Everything is great.

Only they wanted meto wear a tie, homey.

What?!That's what I said.

A tie?

Who the hell we gonna tie up?

(laughing)

You need a porno, bro.

I think we got enough moneyfor...

Well, for you,you're...

I think you could makea porno, bro.

I'm down, bro.With, like,a Flip cam.

(laughing)

You imagine Martin with a porno?

Freaking Martin walkingin the room, you know.

Porno, right?

I'm down.

O-Ozo, can we get...can we get, like,

a little pornomusic for Martin?Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah,we can do that.

(playing funky tune)

Two minutes later.

(trumpet playsdescending notes)

(Iglesias cackling)

Two minutes?

Hey, that includes foreplayand walking you to the car.

(laughing)

(cheering)

Man, that was freakingcool, man.

You got into it, bro.

You got...

Hey, that was Ozo putting mein the mood, bro.

And see, Ozo puts youin the mood, right?

Hey, can I try toget some of that?

What if I dida porno? Huh?

(playing slow funk)♪ Yeah, baby

(cheering)

♪ Are you down for me, baby?

♪ Get down with the Fluff

♪ I'm gonna get downwith you, baby ♪

♪ Yeah

♪ Mm-hmm

♪ Ay!

♪ Yeah, baby

♪ Yeah. IGLESIAS:Yeah, yeah...

Sorry. Sorry.(music stops)

Yeah. Short people,we're always getting nicknames.

"Hey, come here, squirt!

Hey, little man, come here."

I go to the gym,I always get that one.

"Hey, little man,give me a spot. Give me a spot."

What the hell?What am I, a superhero?

It's Little Man!

Able to do thingstall people can't.

"I lost my contact."

"Here it is!"

"Oh, thanks, Little Man."

"Anytime!"

I know that's not right to say'cause everybody--

if you're married,that's your trophy,

but I'm, I'm just saying

not everybody gota first-place trophy.

(laughter)

Some people end upwith a plaque.

(laughter)

You marrythe neighborhood hoochie,

you get a participation ribbon.

one of us wins on the lottery.

(imitates droning static)

All right, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome back to The Big Spin.

Let's see if wecan't find ourselves

another lucky contestant fortheir big chance at $1 million.

Who do we have next?

All the wayfrom Goodyear, Arizona,

ladies and gentlemen,give it up for our good friend,

Mr. Armando Cosillo!

(cheering and applause)

How are you doing,Mr. Cosillo?

You... you the...the TV guy.

That's right.

I'm the TV guy.I am Phil Stevens,

and you're liveon The Big Spin.

E-e-everywhere?

Yes, sir, everywhere.

This television showis nationwide.

In... in Guadalupe, too?

Yes, sir,in Guadalupe, too.

Vieja, I'm on The Big Spin!

(cackling)

(shouting indistinctly)

Yes! Yes!

And, uh...and-and-and...

and Jim...Jim, my boss...

Jim, I'm sorry.

I sorry. I can't do the...the overtime today.

Uh...

and-and mi... mi suegra.

(stammering)

That's my mother-in-law.

Uh, mi suegra, dios me la bendiga. Yes.

God bless my... my mama...my mother-in-law.

Oh, okay. Well, Mr. Cosillo,yeah, bless your mother-in-law.

Uh, Mr. Cosillo, can you pleasetell our viewing audience,

what do you dofor a living?

Uh, I'm a professional boxer.

(laughter)

I'm sorry, Mr. Cosillo.

Did you say youare a professional boxer?

Sí. Yes.

No, my whole family--we professional boxers.

We... we box, uh,

onions, lettuce,uh, tomatoes.

Uh, uvas...

(cheering and applause)

All right, Mr. Cosillo.

All the way fromGoodyear, Arizona, coming...

What... whatare you doing?

I'll... I... oh.

Ladies and gentlemen,apparently it's some type

of Latino ritual,which may explain

why they continue to winthe lottery here in Arizona.

All the way from Good...Hey! Hey!

That's for the... the good luck.

All right, well, good luckto you, too, Mr. Cosillo.

Give this wheel a spin

and let's see if wecan make you a millionaire.

(imitates rattling)

(rapid clicking)

(zany music playing)

(clicking slows down)

$1 million!

(cheering and applause)

Mr. Cosillo,what do you got to say?

Vieja, we'removing to Nogales!

(laughs)

(cheering)

Yes!

Hey, Jim, Jim...

aqui está tu(bleep) overtime!

Y mi suegra... la chingare!

Ladies and gentlemen,Mr. Armando Cosillo!

It doesn't matterhow old you are.

I still play video games-- Call of Duty: Modern Warfare

on PlayStation 3.

(cheering)Yeah.

And my ex-girlfriendthought I was going crazy

'cause I was playingall the time.

She thought it was affectingmy brain, you know.

She goes,"Are you going to kill me?

"'Cause that's all you dois play the game.

"You wake up, and you play it.

Are you going to shootsomebody?"

I'm like,"What are you talking about?

"You watch the Cooking Channelall the time.

You don't cook anything."

(laughter, applause)

She was like, "Oh, yeah?You watch porn all the time,

and you still don't knowhow to have sex."

(laughter, cheering)

"I'm sorry, babe!"

That's when yougot to be nice, huh?

"I'm sorry, babe. I'm sorry!

"I'm sorry!

Could you make me a sandwich?"

"I don't know how to cook.Remember?"

Everybody's tryingto look tougher with tattoos.

People are gettingthe slave tattoos.

Guys, right?That's what guys get.

Look at that man, I got itall the way to my... right there

to my wrist, bro.

And, ladies,you're doing that, too.

Is that sexy, ladies?Is that really...

(women shouting)Yeah, you like that? All right.

Yeah, it's sexy!Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Right? I don't know, man,'cause it's kind of weird,

you know what I mean?Guys, we're kissing women

and kissing on the skinright here, skin,

all of sudden it's a cemetery,all of a sudden it's...

a pirate ship."Why'd you stop?"

"I didn't want to giveJack Sparrow a hickey."

(laughter)

And I just got a little dog.

I haven't named him yet.

I like the waywhite people name their pets.

You name 'em after real people.

You're like,"This is my dog Benjamin."

Latinos-- we don't carewhat we name our pet.

We'll name it after any object.

I went overto my cousin's house.

"Hey, bro, I just got a new dog,he's right over here.

"Spark Plug!

Sparky!"

Black people-- you always getbig old tough dogs, huh?

Rottweilers, pit bullsright there...

(barks)

I've never seen a black guywith a cat.

(laughter)

I've never seen a black guyin the street

in the middle of the nightlooking for his cat.

"Where'd you go, kitty kitty?!

"Come on, kitty kitty!

Boots!"

(laughter and applause)

(cheering and applause)

"Boots!

"Where's my little pussy at?

"Here, kitty kitty, here,kitty kitty kitty!

Aw, kitty kitty."

"Here you go, sir,I found your cat."

"Oh, thanks, Little Man."

"Anytime."

(cheering and applause)

They sayblack makes you look thinner.

Ladies know that secret, right,black makes you look thinner?

I think it's true 'causeI always see fat white women

with black boyfriends.

(cheering)

Maybe not in Arizona, but, uh...

I-I... so I've been married21 years.

(cheering and applause)

Three wives, three wives, but...

(chuckles)

Every year countstowards the pension, man.

I just hit the ten-year markwith my wife, man,

and we hada little anniversary weekend.

She pulled a new one on me.

She said, "Let's role-play."

I've never done anything kinkylike this.

I said, "What do you mean,role-play?"

She said, "You tell mewhat you want me to be

and I'll tell youwhat I want you to be."

Now, I thought it was a trap.

I was like, "Baby, I like youjust the way you are."

She got mad, she was like,"Stop being a punk."

So she convinced me.

I said, "All right."

I've spent three weekendsa month on the road in hotels.

I'm a traveling man.

Every traveling man's fantasyis what?

(tapping)

(singsongy):"Housekeeping."

I said, "Baby, I want youto be housekeeping.

Knock on the door, come in,and surprise me."

She liked that one, so I said,"What you want me to be?"

She goes, "A black guy."

(audience exclaiming)

You're lucky I don't thinkI'm R. Kelly right now."

(chuckles)

I got a trophy wife, too, man,I got a trophy wife.

I know that's not right to say'cause everybody--

if you're married,that's your trophy,

but I'm, I'm just saying

not everybody gota first-place trophy.

(laughter)

Some people end upwith a plaque.

(laughter)

You marrythe neighborhood hoochie,

you get a participation ribbon.

(laughter)

(cheering)

'Cause pot smokersdon't hurt nobody.

We dial Domino's Pizza,get the pizza, we're in heaven.

I've been smoking weedsince I was 15 years old.

I'm 54 now,so it's safe to assume

I'll be smokingwhen Jesus come back.

(cheering and applause)

Hell, I done smokeso much weed,

I thought I was smokingwith Jesus.

And ain't nothing wrongwith smoking with Jesus.

Any man that could turn an ounceinto a pound

is all right with me.

(cheering and applause)

You smoke weed,your reality is different.

You don't even feel like messingwith your kids when you high.

You be like...

(breathy):"Quit it.

(laughter)

"I'm not playing with you.

(laughing)

Give Mommy a biteof your cookie."

(laughter)

And there's some stuff that onlyreal Buddha heads understand.

But have you ever been downto the last of your good stuff?

The lastof your good, good stuff?

You know, the stuff that's

so-good-you-got-to-stick-it-in-the-microwave-

to-dry-it-out-so-you-can-roll-it-up good stuff?

And for those of youthat do not partake

in the herbage experience,

(voice breaking):when...

(laughter)

I'm sorry.It's hard to talk about it.

(crying):When you roll your last joint...

...it's like a ceremony.

WOMAN:Oh, yeah...

You know how you do.WOMAN:Yup.

(humming "Taps")

(laughter)

(humming faster)

(humming continues)

(laughter and applause)

(inhaling)

(humming continues)

(laughter)

(applause and cheering)

And you get downto that last little doobie,

and you just high.

You ain't messing with nobody.

Don't want nobody messingwith you.

All you want to do is be high

and watch South Park.

(laughter)

And you sitting up here

having the best giggly gigglyof your life,

'cause you know they finnakill Kenny.

(laughter)

And some old messed-up personcome to your house,

like your mama.

(laughter)

And she start asking youa whole lot of questions,

so now you got to think.

Oh, she asks you hard questions,too, like,

"How come you eatingCool Whip and cornbread?"

(laughter)

And if you a true pot smoker,you know

the best food commercialscome on late at night.

And the best food commercialin the world is Red Lobster.

Have you ever been so high,when they squeeze that lemon,

you actually grab your eyelike they got you?