CC Presents: Vanessa Hollingshead

  • 02/26/2004

Vanessa Hollingshead: AND LIKE

THE WHOLE THING ABOUT YOU KNOW

OUR COUNTRY IS LIKE ABOUT

BEING FREE.

YOU KNOW, AND I THINK OUR

COUNTRY DOESN'T WANT US FREE.

I THINK THEY WANT US SEDATED,

YOU KNOW, SO WE DON'T NOTICE

THINGS LIKE YOU KNOW WHO'S

RUNNING IT-- HA-HA!

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW, AND BUSH IS LIKE

"WELL, WE GOTTA FIND THE

EVIL-DOERS.

WE GOTTA FIND 'EM.

WE GOTTA HUNT 'EM DOWN.

YOU KNOW, WE'LL FIND 'EM."

I'M LIKE WHY DON'T YOU LOOK

IN YOUR CABINET, OKAY?

AS A MATTER OF FACT, WHY DON'T

YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR?

[LAUGHTER]

THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, I LOVE THE FRENCH,

AND I FEEL THAT THE FRENCH

HAVE GOTTEN SUCH A BAD RAP,

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE THEY DIDN'T

WANNA RUSH INTO THE WAR.

HAVE YOU EVER GONE TO A FRENCH

RESTAURANT.

YOU WAIT LIKE FOUR HOURS TO GET

SERVED.

LIKE "I GET TO YOU KNOW WHEN

I GET TO YOU."

YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW, IF THEY'RE NOT GONNA

RUSH TO SERVE YOU, THEY'RE NOT

GONNA RUSH TO BOMB YOU.

YOU KNOW?

AND I FEEL AS AMERICANS WE'RE

ALWAYS RUSHING.

YOU KNOW, WE ALWAYS--

SOMETIMES WE RUSH TO GO DO

NOTHING.

WE JUST GOTTA RUSH.

WE GOTTA THE GADGETS AND THE

PALM PILOTS, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE

WE NEVER FEEL GOOD ENOUGH,

'CAUSE IT'S ENGRAINED IN US

THAT WE GOTTA BE THE BEST.

WE GOTTA DO OUR BEST, YOU KNOW.

I MEAN, IT'S LIKE IF YOU'RE A

GUY, YOU GET MARRIED.

AND AFTER A FEW YEARS YOU

TRADE YOUR WIFE IN FOR LIKE A

THINNER, YOUNGER VERSION OF

THE SAME ORIGINAL WIFE,

JUST LIKE A CAR.

AND THEN YOU GOTTA GET THE

BIGGER BETTER HOUSE AND THE

BIGGER BETTER JOB TO PAY FOR

THE NEWER THINNER WIFE,

YOU KNOW?

AND THEN IF YOU'RE A WOMAN,

THERE'S NO FORGIVENESS,

EVEN IF AFTER YOU'VE PUSHED OUT

FIVE KIDS.

YOU CAN'T HAVE A GUT.

YOU GOTTA GET THAT LIKE TUCKED

IN.

IF YOU HAVE ANY CELLULITE YOU

GOTTA GET THAT SUCKED OUT.

IF YOU HAVE ANY BOTOX Y--

ANY LINES ON YOUR FACE,

YOU GOTTA GET THAT BOTOXED OUT

ON YOUR LUNCH HOUR, 'CAUSE YOU

DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF TIME.

IF YOU'VE GOT SMALL BREASTS,

YOU CAN'T HAVE SMALL BREASTS.

YOU GOTTA GET EGGPLANTS PUT IN

THERE.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS GETS A LITTLE DEPRESSING,

BUT WE CAN'T BE DEPRESSED.

THAT'S WHY WE TAKE THE RITALIN

AND THE PROZAC AND THE ELEVILS.

WE GOTTA BE REAL HAPPY.

YOU KNOW?

AND THEN YOU GO TO THE GYM TO

WORK OUT, 'CAUSE YOU GOTTA HAVE

LIKE A SIX PACK AND YOUR ASS

HAS GOTTA BE HIGH AND HARD

LIKE J.LO.

OH, YEAH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M NOT DONE.

AND THEN YOU GOTTA GO TO THE

GYM-- AND THEN YOU'RE WORKING

OUT AT THE GYM AND THEN YOU CAN

NEVER EAT ANYTHING THAT

RESEMBLES FOOD.

YOU KNOW?

YOU GOTTA LIKE GOD FORBID

YOU HAVE ANYMORE THAN LIKE

FOUR CARBS, YOU KNOW.

SO YOU GOTTA HAVE THOSE SOY

PROTEIN BLEND [BLEEP] SHAKES

WHICH TASTES LIKE DAY OLD SEMEN.

DON'T ASK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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