After Adam suffers an injury during a golf match, Jak Knight, Brandon Wardell and Vladimir Caamano find a way to make sure he's still able to host the show.
- All right!
Man, today's gonnabe stresful, guys.
I'm gonna admit it.
The Comedy Central execsare coming
and they're judging us,okay?
So I'm here to relievea little stress with weed
and this gamethat I made up.
It's called speed golf.
And the rulesare pretty simple.
You hit the ball,you sprint after it,
and then the next guycomes up,
he counts to five,then he hits the ball,
then he sprints after it,
then the next guycomes up,
he counts to five,then he hits the ball,
then he sprints after it,and it--it keeps going.
You guys get that.
The goal is to get done playinggolf as fast as possible,
because golf sucks.
- Are you going to keeptalking and smoking,
or are you actuallygonna play?
- All right, having a--
having a high moment there.
Okay, good.Thank you, Vlad.
Keep me on my toes, baby.
- You're killing me.- Pfft pfft pfft pfft pfft.
Now remember, the goal isto go as fast as possible.
[club hits ball]
[intense percussive music]
- All right,you're up, Jak.
- This is going tobe great.
- One, two,
three, four, five.
- Oh, my God,it's going to hit Adam.
What do you yell?I'm from the Bronx.
I don't know what to say.
- Uh, fore.- Fore! Fore! Fore, fore!
- Not four, five.
Ow!- Ooh, shit.
- Come on.
- That was--that was awesome.
[theme music plays]
Hmm, I call white women swans.You know?
'Cause they're whiteand majestic
and people get upset whenI chase them through parks.
This is what I do.
I get a whole bunchof white girl bread crumbs,
like, Taylor Swift albums,
and animal cruelty petitions
and I put 'emin a little clump
and I goand hide in a bush
and wait for a whole flockof y'all to come,
and I wait,and I go, "Ah-aaaah! "
I don't want catch you.I like watching you run.
Hop in your Mini Cooperor your Yaris or some shit.
She dropping "People" magazinesand shit,
like, "Where you going?Where you going?"
I'm glad we're all here.
We can talk shita little bit.
It's good.Here's the thing, uh, ladies.
When you're a dude,young dude,
sometimes you gointo a girl's house
and think you're gonnahave sex with her,
and you don't.
And that's justhow shit goes.
Yeah, you just got to wake upin the morning with a dead arm
with not your hair on it,
a wrinkled shirt,and a double-hard dick.
Like, a double-hard dick,
because the intentionsof you having sex
and morning wood overlapped.
That happened to me recently.
I thought I was gonnahave sex with this girl
and she was,like, "Nah,"
so instead of tryingto, like, charm my way
past what she was saying,
I grabbed a whole bunchof grapes off her desk
and went downstairs and watchedNetflix with her mom.
Yeah, she stilllived with her mom
so we were bothdisappointed in her.
Her mom was trying to havea conversation with me
like I didn't havea hard dick for her daughter.
She's like, "What do youthink about 'Narcos'?
Really catching on.I'm on the third episode."
I'm just pushingthis pillow down
on this angry hard dick.
Like, angry hard, like,with a vein on its forehead,
banging on my basketball shorts,like,
"Nigga,you made me a promise.
"You said in the carI was gonna be getting some
"and now you can'teven follow through
"'cause you're talking too much.Shut up.
"Just let her do--don't put yourhands on me in the bathroom.
This is not the time."
So I watch a lot of, uh,
there's this YouTube talk showthat Snoop Dogg hosts
where it's just, uh,, like,ten-minute videos
of him talking withother rappers and, uh,
he has this video where he'stalking to Big Sean about sex
and the whole conversationis just Snoop being like,
"Oh, so, Big Sean, you everbeen with an Asian woman?"
And then Big Sean's like, "Oh,yeah, that Asian persuasian."
And Snoop's like,
"Big Sean, you ever beenwith a Hawaiian woman?"
Big Sean's like,"Oh, yeah, that Maui wowee."
And, like, the more I watched,the more I was just like,
"Oh, Big Sean'sjust never had sex.
"He's just rhyming.That's it.
Big Sean's for surea virgin."
And so, like, I had been tellingthat joke on stage for a while,
and then a friend of mine wasat the same party as Big Sean,
and got black-out drunk,
walks up to Big Seanand goes, uh,
"Hey, man, there's this comedianBrandon Wardell.
He says you get no pussy."
And then, like, Big Sean'sgirlfriend at the time,
Ariana Grande,is on his lap
and goes,"Uh, yeah, he does."
Which, like, everythingabout that interaction
is fucking insane.
it's like if youwalked up to Jay Z
and you were like,
"Hey, uh, Jay Z,I heard you have no money."
And then Jay Z's accountantwas just on his lap like,
"Uh, yeah, he does."
All right,my name's Brandon Wardell.
Just like, you know,the other sign
you live in an impoverishedneighborhood is the ATM.
Right,you ever go somewhere nice,
they have a name brand ATM.
You ever notice this?
You ever go somewhere poor,the ATM is outside.
There's no name brand.It just says "ATM."
There's just a flickering light;all you see is "AT."
For some reason the keypadis always wet.
You put the wrong pin numberand it still goes through.
The debit card doesn't evenwant to go in the machine.
The debit card says,"You gon' put me in here?
You're not gonna puta condom on me?"
The debit cardcomes out coughing.
"I think I lost my CVV codein there.
And then, you don't evenget regular money.
You ever go to a niceneighborhood, you get $20 bills
and the money comes out crisp.
It smells like opportunity.
Poor neighborhood, the machinegives you fives and tens.
The machine is programmedwith low expectations.
At the factory,they have a meeting about it.
Like, "Where is that going?The Bronx?
"All right, do me a favor.
"Put a couplesingle dollar bills,
"a couple loose cigarettesand a metro card.
"Put it in there.Give them what they like.
"Do me a favor, make it looklike a junk drawer.
"I want to seesome rubber bands,
"a couple soy sauce packets,
"and when the money comes out,make sure it's crumpled up.
"Crumple it up.
"And write some random phonenumbers on the money.
They like thatin those neighborhoods."
It's my firm belief thatevery ATM machine in America
should come with an oldblack woman right next to it.
Just right next to itto cheer you up.
You know, you get your receipt,you see that low balance,
you're like,"Oh, God."
She comes upright behind you,
"It's gon' be all right, baby.We gon' make it through.
Go on and grabthat soy sauce packet."
Guys, you been more than great.Thank you so much.