CC Presents: Paul Mercurio

  • Season 8, Ep 23
  • 05/20/2004

Paul Mercurio examines life as a new father, racial stereotyping and North Korean terrorists.

I NEED YOU GUYS IN MY BEDROOM.

[LAUGHTER]

HELLO!

THANK YOU FOR THAT.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THAT'S GREAT.

YOU GUYS SOUND TERRIFIC.

YOU LOOK GREAT.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE JOBS.

YOU'RE DOING WELL.

GIVE ME SOME MONEY.

[LAUGHTER]

NO, SERIOUSLY, I GOT NO MONEY.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

IT HIT ME LAST WEEK HOW POOR

I AM.

IT WASN'T THE BILLS.

I DON'T KNOW.

IT WAS THESE PANTS.

I PUT 'EM ON.

I HADN'T WORN 'EM IN A WHILE.

I REACHED INTO THIS POCKET,

FOUND A $10 BILL.

YOU KNOW THAT FEELING, THAT

MOMENT IN TIME, RIGHT?

YOU GET SO EXCITED ABOUT 10

BUCKS.

THAT'S WHEN YOU KNOW YOU'RE

POOR.

[LAUGHTER]

RIGHT?

YOU'RE LIKE, "WHOO, $10.

"I'M THE RICHEST MAN IN THE

WORLD.

TWENTY MORE OF THESE AND

THEY'LL TURN MY ELECTRICITY

BACK ON."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS IS HOW BAD IT IS FOR ME

NOW.

I'M SHOPPING AT THESE BARGAIN

BASEMENT CLOTHING STORES.

CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR AND SIGN A

PETITION?

I WANNA CHANGE THE NAME OF ALL

THESE PLACES TO--

"CRAP THAT WAS UGLY AT FULL

PRICE AND IS STILL UGLY AT HALF

PRICE."

[LAUGHTER]

SHORT SLEEVE SUITS.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

BURLAP UNDERWEAR.

I HAD A SALESMAN WITH THREE

TEETH, THREE TEETH, I WAS

MESMERIZED BY THEM, THOUGH,

'CAUSE YOU THINK WITH ONLY

THREE TEETH HE'D HAVE TIME

TO MAKE 'EM THE THREE CLEANEST

TEETH IN THE COUNTRY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NO, NOT THIS GUY.

ONE WAS CRACKED.

SECOND ONE WAS BROWN.

THIRD ONE HAD A RETAINER.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY HAVE SECURITY IN THESE

STORES.

THERE'S A MAN STANDING AT THE

DOOR.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT

MEANS?

SOMEBODY MADE A LIFE DECISION

OUT THERE THAT THEY'RE WILLING

TO RISK GOING TO JAIL TO STEAL

SOMETHING FROM A BARGAIN

BASEMENT CLOTHING STORE.

SAY, PAL, WHAT ARE YOU IN FOR?

THESE SEQUIN CULOTTES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LITTLE BAMBINO NOW.

MY WIFE AND I, WE HAVE A LITTLE

BOY.

HIS NAME IS ALEXANDER.

HE JUST TURNED A YEAR ON--

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

JUST TURNED A YEAR.

JUST STARTED WALKING.

IT'S SO CUTE.

DID YOU EVER SEE A KID WHEN HE

FIRST STARTS WALKING?

HOW CUTE IS THAT?

'CAUSE LIKE HE WALKS TEN FEET,

AND THEN HE SITS, THEN HE WALKS

TEN FEET, AND THEN HE SITS,

AND HE WALKS TEN FEET, AND HE

SITS.

AND I REALIZE HE'S A SECURITY

GUARD.

[LAUGHTER]

TIRED ALL THE TIME WITH A KID.

I'M EXHAUSTED.

I'M SO TIRED.

YOU EVER BEEN SO TIRED YOU

LOOK AT A HOMELESS ASLEEP ON

THE STREET, AND GO, "BOY, I WISH

I COULD SLEEP LIKE THAT?"

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T NEED A BOX SPRING.

I NEED A BOX.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

MY WIFE BREAST-FED.

THAT WENT WELL...

FOR HIM.

OH, YEAH, BEAUTIFUL BREASTS

WERE AROUND THE HOUSE.

I COULDN'T TOUCH 'EM, CAUSE

THEY'RE ALL FULL OF LITTLE

POOP MACHINE, YOU KNOW?

OH, IT'S A HUGE TEASE.

MY KID WOULD TAUNT ME.

IN THE MIDDLE OF BREAST-FEEDING,

HE'D JUST TURN, MMM, MMM, MMM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MA.

MY LIPS ARE HUGE, AREN'T THEY?

[LAUGHTER]

SEE, THE WAY YOU LAUGHED,

YOU'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT

SINCE I GOT UP HERE.

OKAY, SIR, THEY'RE NOT THAT BIG.

WHEN I WAS EIGHT, MY LIPS WERE

THE SAME SIZE AS THEY ARE NOW.

I COULD WHISPER IN MY OWN EAR.

MY FATHER WOULD TAKE ME FISHING,

STICK MY FACE IN THE WATER,

AND SAY, "OKAY, CALL YOUR

FRIENDS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GOD, DID NOT HAVE TO MAKE MY

LIPS THIS BIG.

I THINK HE'S PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE.

LOOK WHAT HE DID TO THE

KANGAROO.

LOOK AT THAT POOR ANIMAL.

CUTE FACE, HUGE, POWERFUL LEGS,

MASSIVE TAIL, ONLY ANIMAL WITH

A POCKET.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT DOES GOD DO?

MAKES HIS ARMS TOO SHORT TO

REACH IT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SEE, I THINK THEY SHOULD HAVE

MIRRORS IN THE WILD, 'CAUSE IF

SOME OF THESE WILD ANIMALS SAW

THEMSELVES, THEY WOULDN'T BE SO

COCKY.

THINK ABOUT IT, HOW YOU LOOK

AFFECTS HOW YOU FEEL.

AND WHY WOULDN'T THAT BE TRUE

FOR THE WILD ANIMAL KINGDOM?

LIKE THE PANDA BEAR.

THAT'S A WILD ANIMAL.

IN HIS HEAD, HE'S A BAD ASS

BEAR.

[HISSING SOUND]

BUT IF HE SAW HIMSELF IN A

FULL-LENGTH MIRROR, HE WOULDN'T

BE SO COCKY.

HE'D BE LIKE, "HUH?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M ADORABLE."

Paul Mercurio: NO MONEY.

IT HAUNTS ME.

AND THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN

NOT HAVING ANY MONEY IS HAVING

HAD SOME MONEY AND THEN NOT

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW?

RIGHT?

THAT WOMAN, YOU KNOW.

RIGHT?

YEAH.

AND THAT'S MY STORY, SEE--

I WAS A LAWYER.

[LAUGHTER]

SCREW YOU.

I WAS A LAWYER.

STOP LAUGHING AT ME.

LOOK, IT'S RIGHT HERE.

LOOK, THERE'S THE THING,

AND THE LADY AND EVERYTHING.

LOOK, WITH WHATEVER THEY CALL

IT-- THE LADY AND THE ESQUIRE.

I DID THE WALL STREET LAW.

I WORKED FOR A BIG WALL STREET

FIRM.

AND I DID MERGERS AND

ACQUISITIONS LAW.

I MEAN, HERE'S THE WHOLE STORY.

READY?

I WAS A LAWYER, A COMIC,

A FURNITURE SALESMAN, THEN A

COMIC.

HERE'S A TIP FOR YOU KID'S OUT

THERE.

TRY NOT TO GET HIGH ON CAREER

DAY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HERE'S HOW IT ALL STARTED.

I'M DOING WALL STREET LAW.

START DOING COMEDY AT NIGHT.

I LIVED A SECRET, DOUBLE LIFE.

I SWEAR.

I JUMP IN A CAB.

I TAKE MY SUIT COAT OFF.

I TAKE OFF MY TIE.

I MESS UP MY HAIR.

I TRY TO LOOK AS DOWNTOWN AS

I COULD.

AND I CRUISE AROUND TO DIVE

BARS IN NEW YORK CITY TO DO

OPEN MIKE NIGHTS.

THE WORST PLACES IN THE CITY.

ONE PLACE IN THE BOWERY I

WORKED, IT WAS CALLED DOWNTOWN

BEIRUT II.

[LAUGHTER]

"II"!

NOW THEY WERE EITHER

FRANCHISING THESE HELLHOLES,

OR ISRAELI FIGHTERS TOOK OUT

ONE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND BASICALLY, YOU HAD TO HAVE

COME BACK LINES FOR DRUNK

HECKLERS.

THAT'S WHAT IT WAS ALL ABOUT.

SURVIVAL.

COME BACK LINES.

AND I GOT GOOD AT IT.

REALLY GOOD AT IT.

REALLY GOOD AT IT.

SO, ONE DAY THERE'S A BIG

MEETING AT THE LAW FIRM.

[LAUGHTER]

HUGE CONFERENCE ROOM, A BUNCH

OF LAWYERS.

LAWYER ON THE OTHER SIDE OF

THE DEAL STANDS UP, AND IN

FRONT OF EVERYBODY, STARTS

CRITICIZING ME.

ME.

THIS DOCUMENT I HAD WRITTEN

WASN'T RIGHT.

WHAT WERE THE WORDS HE USED?

OH, YEAH, IT WAS ILLEGAL.

I DON'T KNOW WHATEVER.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEN HE SAID TO ME,

"I COULD HAVE DRAFTED A BETTER

DOCUMENT IN MY SLEEP."

AND I SAID, "WELL, I COULD HAVE

BEEN YOUR FATHER.

BUT THE DOG BEAT ME OVER THE

FENCE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IN MY LIFE.

I'M REALLY INTO THE COMEDY

THING.

AND I'M THINKING ABOUT DOING

IT FULL TIME.

BUT IT'S SCARY.

OR DO I STAY WITH LAW, WHICH

IS SECURE, BUT I'M NOT REALLY

INTO.

CONFUSED.

DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

AND I'M LOOKING FOR A SIGN.

SOMEBODY, TALK TO ME, GIVE ME

A SIGN, ANYTHING.

GOD, GIVE ME A SIGN.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

GOD, GIVE ME A SIGN.

THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, MY FATHER

DIES UNEXPECTEDLY.

AND I HAVE TO GO HOME TO RHODE

ISLAND TO HELP RUN THE FAMILY

FURNITURE BUSINESS.

SO, NOW I'M THINKING, OKAY,

GOD, COULD I HAVE ANOTHER SIGN?

[LAUGHTER]

I GO HOME.

I GO HOME FOR THE FUNERAL.

AND THIS PROBABLY HAPPENED TO

YOU.

THE FIRST THING THAT STRIKES

YOU WHEN YOU GO HOME, AND

YOU'VE BEEN AWAY FOR AWHILE

IS YOU BECOME A DIFFERENT

PERSON FROM YOUR FAMILY.

NOT BETTER, NOT WORSE,

JUST DIFFERENT.

OKAY?

LIKE I GREW UP IN A VERY ITALIAN

FAMILY.

AND I FELT A LOT--

HEY, PAISONS.

[CHEERING]

AND I FELT OUT OF PLACE.

I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE I FIT IN

ANYMORE.

I FELT LIKE A SQUARE PEG IN A

MENTAL INSTITUTION.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SEE?

YOU KNOW?

TAKE MY COUSINS, BILLY AND

VINNY.

BILLY IS A COKE ADDICT.

VINNY IS A SMALL TIME HOOD FOR

THE MOB.

HE RUNS NUMBERS IN RHODE ISLAND.

AND HE SELLS CAR ALARMS.

CAR ALARMS HE STOLE OUT OF

OTHER CARS.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THIS IS HOW VINNY CAME

DRESSED TO MY FATHER'S FUNERAL,

NO WORD OF A LIE.

BIG POOF OF HELMET HAIR,

ORANGE, SILK SHIRT, UNBUTTONED,

GOLD CHAINS, WHITE PATENT

LEATHER BELT, WHITE SLACKS,

YOU GETTIN' THE PICTURE?

[AUDIENCE AGREEING]

IMAGINE IF ELVIS WERE ALIVE,

BUT THE GOOD HUMOR MAN.

[LAUGHTER]

WHITE MESH LOAFERS, NO SOCKS,

'CAUSE IT WAS THE SUMMER.

BUT YOU GOTTA PUT POWDER ON

YOUR FEET TO KEEP 'EM DRY.

BUT VINNY BEING THE GUIDO THAT

HE IS, PUT TOO MUCH POWDER.

SO EVERY TIME HE'D STEP TOWARDS

THE CASKET PUFFS OF WHITE

SMOKE WOULD COME OUT OF THE

TOPS OF HIS SHOES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND COUSIN BILLY, THE COKE

ADDICT, SNIFFING AT HIS HEELS

ALL NIGHT.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I GOTTA GIVE VINNY CREDIT,

THOUGH.

HE PAID RESPECTS TO MY FATHER.

AS THEY WERE CLOSING THE CASKET,

HE SLIPPED IN A CAR ALARM.

[LAUGHTER]

SO, I'M HOME.

AND I'M THINKING, OKAY,

I'M GONNA RUN THIS LITTLE MOM

AND POP STORE WITH MY MOTHER.

AND I'M GONNA TAKE MY EXPERIENCE

WITH BIG COMPANIES ON

WALL STREET.

AND I'M GONNA EXPAND IT AND

MAKE IT PROFITABLE.

AND OF COURSE, THE FIRST THING

I WANTED TO DO WITH ALL MY

MERGER AND ACQUISITION

EXPERIENCE WAS FIRE MY MOTHER

BECAUSE SHE'S A MOTHER.

SHE'S NUTS.

SHE'S 65-YEAR-OLD ITALIAN WOMAN

STUCK IN HER WAYS.

AND I REALLY THOUGHT I'M GONNA

COME IN AND WE'RE GONNA TAKE

THIS THING TO THE NEXT LEVEL.

NO!

YOU'RE ALWAYS A CHILD IN YOUR

PARENTS' EYES.

SHE GAVE ME NO RESPONSIBILITY.

SHE TREATED ME LIKE I WAS

12 AGAIN.

MY JOB WAS TO BE HER SERVANT,

HER CHAUFFEUR.

HUH?

TO DRIVE HER AROUND ON SUNDAY

NIGHTS TO TAKE HER GARBAGE

CANNING.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

MY MOTHER GOES THROUGH OTHER

PEOPLE'S TRASH, LOOKING FOR

"GOOD GARBAGE".

[LAUGHTER]

RADIOS, CLOCKS, STUFF THAT CAN

BE EASILY FIXED.

OH, YEAH, YEAH.

YEAH.

WHEN I WAS DRIVING HER HOME

ONE NIGHT SHE HAS ME PULL OVER.

SHE JUMPS OUT OF THE CAR AND

SHE MAKES A BEELINE FOR THIS

GARBAGE CAN WITH THESE

ALUMINUM-COOKING PANS ON TOP.

OKAY?

AND THEY'RE REALLY EXPENSIVE

PANS, AND-- OH, BY THE WAY,

SHE WEARS A HEARING AID.

BUT SHE'S TOO CHEAP TO BUY A

GOOD HEARING AID.

SO, IT'S THE KIND THAT WHISTLES

ALL THE TIME.

SO, YOU CAN NEVER HAVE A

COHERENT CONVERSATION WITH HER.

'CAUSE IT'S ALWAYS LIKE, "MA,

WE'RE GONNA GO TO THE STORE,

AND GET [WHISTLING SOUND]."

IT'S LIKE TALKING TO A TEA

KETTLE IN A HOUSEDRESS, OKAY?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO, GET THE IMAGE.

IT'S MIDNIGHT ON THE STREETS

OF RHODE ISLAND.

SHE'S IN A HOUSEDRESS, CURLERS,

HER HEARING AID HAS ATTRACTED

A PACK OF DOGS.

SHE'S HOLDING THESE PANS IN THE

MIDDLE OF THE STREET.

AND SHE ACTUALLY SAID TO ME,

QUOTE, "I CAN'T BELIEVE THESE

PEOPLE THREW THESE PANS OUT."

THEY'RE CRAZY."

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

THEY'RE CRAZY?

I GO FROM WALL STREET, MARBLE

OFFICES, MEGA DEALS.

I'M NOW LOOK OUT ON THE STREETS

OF RHODE ISLAND FOR

MRS. SANFORD AND SON.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT WAS JUST LITTLE THINGS

I WANTED TO DO.

LITTLE THINGS TO BRING THE

STORE TO THE NEXT LEVEL.

NOTHING MAJOR.

JUST TO EXPAND IT, TO UPDATE IT,

TO MODERNIZE IT, TO BRING IT

INTO THE 21st CENTURY.

WE'LL START SMALL, MA.

WE'LL GET A PHONE.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEN A FILING CABINET,

BECAUSE MY MOTHER DOESN'T USE

FILING CABINETS.

MMM, MMM, MMM.

SHE PUTS ALL OF HER BILLS

IN FILES, IN STYROFOAM COOLERS

BECAUSE THEY'RE LIGHTWEIGHT AND

EASY TO CARRY AROUND.

I SW-- SHE'S GOT LIKE A DOZEN

OF 'EM.

YEAH.

WHEN SHE GETS CALLED IN FOR

AN AUDIT, IT LOOKS LIKE SHE'S

GOING ON A PICNIC.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, AND IT DOESN'T STOP THERE.

SHE PUTS BATTERIES IN THE

REFRIGERATOR.

NOT JUST GOOD BATTERIES, LIKE

A LOT OF PEOPLE DO TO KEEP 'EM

FRESH.

NO, NO, NO.

OLD BATTERIES, DEAD BATTERIES.

SHE'S CRYOGENICALLY FREEZING

BATTERIES UNTIL SCIENCE COMES

UP WITH A CURE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT I CAN'T PUT MY BEER IN THE

REFRIGERATOR, CAUSE IT TAKES UP

TOO MUCH ROOM.

SO, YOU KNOW WHERE I HAVE TO PUT

THAT?

THE OVEN.

SHE DOESN'T USE HER OVEN.

AND SHE PUTS CHEESE IN THE CAR.

SHE KEEP-- I SWEAR, SHE PUTS A

BLOCK OF CHEDDAR CHEESE IN THE

GLOVE COMPARTMENT OF THE CAR,

IN CASE SHE GETS STUCK ON THE

SIDE OF THE ROAD, SHE HAS

SOMETHING TO CHEW ON.

DO YOU SEE WHAT I WAS DEALING

WITH UP THERE?

THE BILLS ARE IN THE COOLER.

THE BATTERIES ARE IN THE FRIG.

THE BEER'S IN THE OVEN.

THE CHEESE IS IN THE HONDA.

I'M IN A MENTAL INSTITUTION.

AND I'M FATHER'S IN THE GROUND

LAUGHING SO HARD HE SET OFF THE

CAR ALARM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Paul Mercurio: YOU KNOW WHAT

I LOVE WATCHING THESE DAYS?

I LOVE WATCHING MTV CRIBS.

DON'T YOU LOVE THAT?

THAT'S A SHOW, IF YOU DON'T

KNOW, IT'S A RAPPER TAKES YOU

ON A TOUR OF HIS MANSION.

HERE'S SOMETHING YOU NEVER

HEAR ON THAT SHOW.

YO, YO, YO, THIS HERE BE MY

LIBERRY.

[LAUGHTER]

THIS BE A BOOK I BE READING.

[SQUEAKY VOICE] THAT'S MY

CROSSWORD.

DON'T BE TOUCHING MY CROSSWORD.

[LAUGHTER]

IT REVELS IN ITS IGNORANCE.

IT'S NOT ABOUT ANYTHING EXCEPT

THE STUFF.

THERE'S NOT A BOOK IN THE HOUSE,

NOT A MAGAZINE.

EVEN IN THE TOILET, THERE'S NOT

A "LANDS END" CATALOG,

A "HIGHLIGHTS", NOTHING.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW I KNOW THAT JOKE, COMING

FROM A WHITE GUY IS SLIGHTLY

RACIST, BUT HMM.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

WE'RE ALL A LITTLE BIT RACIST.

I AM.

I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT

BECAUSE I'M A WHITE MALE.

AND I'M THE OPPRESSOR IN

SOCIETY.

AND EVERYBODY'S PISSED AT ME.

I MEAN, OH-- IT'S A--

BUT I REALIZE, I SPEAK FOR A

DISENFRANCHISED GROUP IN THIS

COUNTRY.

WHITE MEN.

WE CAN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT

ANYONE WITHOUT PISSING SOMEONE

OFF.

BLACK COMICS TALKS ABOUT RACE

ALL THE TIME, AND THEY GET AWAY

WITH IT, 'CAUSE THEY'VE BEEN

OPPRESSED, AND IT'S INTERESTING,

IT'S REALLY COMPELLING STUFF.

AND THAT'S FINE.

WELL, I HAVE RACIST THOUGHTS.

I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT

'CAUSE I'M THE WHITE MALE.

AND EVERYBODY'S MAD AT ME.

GAYS, JEWS, BLACKS, PUERTO

RICANS, WOMEN, EVERYBODY'S

PISSED AT ME.

BUT I HAVE RACIST AND I'M THE

OPPRESSOR.

I'M THE BAD GUY.

BUT FIRST OF ALL, LOOK AT ME.

WHO AM I GONNA OPPRESS?

I'M A BROKE, BIG-LIPPED GUINEA.

I GOT NOTHING UP HERE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

RACIST STEREOTYPES APPLY

TO EVERYONE INCLUDING BLACKS.

I KNOW IT'S BEEN 500 YEARS OF

OPPRESSION.

BUT LET'S BE HONEST.

BLACK MEN, YOU LOVE PURPLE,

NEON LICENSE PLATE HOLDERS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE BROTHER'S LAUGHING RIGHT

THERE.

HE KNOWS.

THIS IS REAL.

AND THIS IS HONEST STUFF.

IT'S UNSAFE.

BUT IT'S REAL AND IT'S HONEST.

[LAUGHTER]

BLACKS MAKE RACIST STEREOTYPES

ABOUT WHITES ALL THE TIME.

THEY GET AWAY WITH IT 'CAUSE

THEY'VE BEEN BLACK.

THAT DOESN'T MAKE-- BLACK--

THAT DOESN'T MAKE 'EM, RIGHT,

RIGHT?

YOU WATCH A BLACK COMIC.

EVERY BLACK COMIC FOR THE MOST

PART WILL DO THIS JOKE IN THEIR

ACT.

I GUARANTEE YOU.

THEY DO THIS BROAD

GENERALIZATION OF THE BLACK GUY

VOICE AND THE WHITE GUY VOICE.

RIGHT?

FIRST THEY DO THE BLACK GUY,

ALL SMOOTH, YEAH, BABY, COME ON,

MMM, MMM, YEAH.

[LAUGHTER]

AH, HONEY, MOMMY, YEAH, COME ON.

THEN THEY DO THE WHITE GUY

VOICE.

HEY, THERE MR. BUDDY BOY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

APPARENTLY THE ALL WHITE MEN

ARE COMPLETE NERDS.

HEY.

PLEASE DON'T BEAT ME UP.

I HAVE A POCKET PROTECTOR.

OW.

HEY, I'M A WHITE GUY.

I DON'T SPEAK THAT WAY.

IN FACT, I SPEAK FOR EVERY

WHITE MAN IN AMERICA WHEN

I SAY WE DON'T ALL TALK LIKE

SCREECH FROM SAVED BY THE BELL.

THAT'S A RACIST STEREOTYPE.

THAT'S LIKE ME SAYING, "EVERY

BLACK MAN TALKS LIKE THIS.

WELL, HELLO THERE."

"WELL, HELLO THERE.

I WANT SOME CHICKEN AND

WATERMELON.

HELLO THERE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S LIKE SAYING COLIN POWELL

GOES TO THE U.N.,

[SQUEAKY VOICE]

"WHAT'S UP, U.N.?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Paul Mercurio: NEVER BEEN A

BETTER TIME TO BE A BLACK MAN IN

THIS COUNTRY 'CAUSE THE WAR ON

TERRORISM, WE'RE NOT RACIAL

PROFILING THE BLACK MAN ANYMORE.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, RIGHT?

ANYBODY WHO'S LOOK IS ISLAMIC,

YOU'RE NODDING YOUR HEADS.

THE ENEMY LOOKS ISLAMIC, OR

MIDDLE EASTERN, RIGHT?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, RIGHT?

YOU ARE, I AM, YOU ARE, I AM,

YOU ARE.

YOU'RE LYING.

YOU SAY YOU DON'T.

YOU'RE LYING, RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

SURE, HE'S HANDING ME A FALAFEL,

BUT...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BLACK MAN'S OFF THE HOOK.

YOU HAVE DONE MOVED UP THE FOOD

CHAIN, MY BROTHER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE.

BUT IT'S THAT DEEP SECRET THAT

WE ALL HAVE INSIDE.

I'M NOT PROUD OF THAT.

BUT MY ENVIRONMENT MAKES ME

THAT WAY.

THEY HAVE ME CHECKING MY

FINGERNAIL CLIPPER AT THE

AIRPORT AS PART OF OUR WAR ON

TERRORISM.

IS THAT THE PROBLEM?

IT'S A FINGERNAIL CLIPPER.

IT'S A FINGERNAIL CLIPPER.

WHAT, SOME CRAZY, CRAZY GETS

ON THE PLANE AND ALL HELL

BREAKS LOOSE, ALL OF A SUDDEN,

YOU HEAR THE PILOT, "ATTENTION

PASSENGERS-- OW."

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

"HEY, WHAT'D YOU PINCH ME FOR?

THAT'S GONNA LEAVE A MARK?

NOW GET OUT OF HERE.

I DON'T WANT A FRENCH MANICURE.

GET OUT OF HERE."

IT'S A FINGERNAIL CLIPPER.

THAT'S NOT THE PROBLEM.

THE PROBLEM IS YOU'VE GOTTA

FIND THE TERRORISTS, RIGHT?

WHY CAN'T WE FIND THESE GUYS?

WHY CAN'T WE FIND BIN LADEN?

WE'RE THE MOST SOPHISTICATED

TECH-- WELL, LET ME BACK UP.

HE'S SIX EIGHT.

HE'S SIX EIGHT!

CAN'T SOMEBODY JUST STAND ON A

STOOL, AND GO, "OH, YEAH, THERE

HE IS.

I SEE HIM.

HE'S RIGHT THERE"?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

THE GUY WITH THE EIGHT-FOOT

TURBAN, THE 12-FOOT BEARS, AND

THE VIDEO CREW, THAT GUY.

HE'S MAKING JIHAD GONE WILD

FOUR.

THAT'S THE GUY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

EVERYONE HAVE YOU BELIEVE THAT

NORTH KOREA IS THE PROBLEM

BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE BOMB.

THEY SAID THEY'RE GONNA TEST

THE BOMB, THE HECK WITH THE REST

OF THE WORLD.

NO. NORTH KOREA, THEY HAVE THE

BOMB.

THE BOMB, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

WHO CARES IF NORTH KOREA HAS

THE BOMB?

EVERYBODY'S GOT THE BOMB NOW.

INDIA, PAKISTAN, I HAVE THE

BOMB.

I GOT IT LAST WEEK.

I GOT IT AT LL BEAN.

I GOT IT SANDSTONE.

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT THE BOMB, AND I GOT A FREE

BACKPACK WITH THE BOMB.

AND THE BACKPACK COMES WITH A

WATER BOTTLE, SO I CAN HYDRATE

MYSELF AS I'M BEING MELTED BY

THE NUCLEAR FIRE BALL.

NORTH KOREA HAS THE BOMB.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

FOLKS, THEY'RE KOREA.

CAN WE BE HONEST WITH

EACH OTHER?

HAVE YOU EVER OWNED ANYTHING

MADE IN KOREA THAT'S WORKED?

NO.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY'RE GONNA BE WHEELING THAT

PIECE OF CRAP TO THE SILO.

HURRY, HURRY, HURRY, HURRY, OH,

NO, FALL APART.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

NO WORLD DOMINATION TODAY.

THIS IS THE PROBLEM,

MADE IN KOREA.

FOLKS, GOOD NIGHT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]