♪♪>> STEPHEN COLBERT PRESENTS

"MR. COLBERT GOES TOWASHINGTON, D.C. YA LATER

LEGISLATOR: PARTISAN IS SUCHSWEET SORROW" .

A COLBERT VICTORY LAP '014.

♪♪(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Captioning sponsored by COMEDY CENTRAL

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN")>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN!

WELCOME TO "THE REPORT"!

WELCOME TO "THE REPORT"!

THANKS SO MUCH, EVERYBODY!

WELCOME TO "THE REPORT"!

GREAT TO HAVE ME WITH YOU!

(LAUGHTER)TONIGHT'S BROADCAST EMANATES

FROM OUR NATION'S CAPITAL.

THERE'S ELECTRICITY IN THE AIR.

CAN YOU FEEL IT?

(CHEERS) AT LEAST I THINKIT'S ELECTRICITY.

THEY JUST LEGALIZED POT HERE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)LAST NIGHT, I GOT A CONTACT HIGH

JUST WALKING DOWN TO STREET, ANDENDED UP IN MY HOTEL ROOM

BINGE-WATCHING C-SPAN.I THINK IT WAS C-SPAN.

IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN MY SHOWERCURTAIN, I DON'T KNOW

WE'RE HERE AT BEAUTIFUL GEORGEWASHINGTON UNIVERSITY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)GEORGE WASHINGTON UNIVERSITY, OF

COURSE, NAMED FOR OUR FIRSTPRESIDENT, GEORGE UNIVERSITY.

(LAUGHTER)D.C. HAS BEEN "THE REPORT"'S

SECOND HOME FOR THE PAST NINEYEARS AND PART OF ME WILL ALWAYS

BE IN THE CAPITOL -- MYPORTRAIT IS IN THE

SMITHSONIAN.

MY WAX FIGURE IS IN MADAMETUSSAUD'S, AND MY iPhone IS IN

THE PANDA PEN AT THE NATIONALZOO.

COUGH IT UP, BAO BAO!

IN 2010, JON STEWART AND I HELDTHE RALLY TO RESTORE SANITY

AND/OR FEAR.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)AND THE NATION THRONGED TO THE

WASHINGTON MALL TO FINALLY GETSOME ANSWERS...

ABOUT WHY WE ASKED THEM TO COMETO THE WASHINGTON MALL.

I CAN FINALLY REVEAL IT WAS AGROUPON THING.

I NEEDED A QUARTER MILLIONPEOPLE TO GET 20% OFF A

MEMBERSHIP AT SOUL CYCLE.

(LAUGHTER)AND BECAUSE THIS IS OUR NATION'S

CAPITAL, TONIGHT, I'M PROUD TOLAUNCH PART ONE OF MY ONE-PART

SERIES.

BETTER KNOW "A" AMERICA.

TONIGHT, AMERICA: THE FIGHTIN'US.!

AMERICA BEGAN 270 MILLION YEARSAGO AS PART OF PANGEA, UNTIL IT

SPLIT OFF, THANKS TO JESUS.

(LAUGHTER)IT WAS JUST A HAPPY ACCIDENT --ALL

HE WAS TRYING TO DO IS SEND ANEARTHQUAKE TO PUNISH GAY

DINOSAURS.

(LAUGHTER)THEN CAME THE PEOPLE WITH THE

FEATHERS ON THEIR HEADS.

AND THE PEOPLE WITH THE BUCKLESON THEIR HATS.

THEN, IN 1776, AMERICA HAPPENED.

THE FOUNDING FATHERS GATHERED INPHILADELPHIA AND UNANIMOUSLY

DECLARED -- WE SHOULD REALLYMOVE THE CAPITAL SOMEWHERE ELSE.

(LAUGHTER) FAMOUS RESIDENTS OF AMERICA

INCLUDE CONGRESSMAN JOHN LEWIS,APPLE C.E.O. TIM COOK, AND

JEFFERY DONOVAN OF "BURNNOTICE."

(APPLAUSE)WHEN VISITING AMERICA, DON'T

MISS OUT ON ITS SIGNATURE DISH:FOOD.

(APPLAUSE)LOOK FOR IT UNDER THE MELTED

CHEESE.

AND WHO HAS THE OVAL OFFICES TOREPRESENT THIS GREAT NATION?

NONE OTHER THAN TWO-TERMPRESIDENT BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)I RECENTLY SAT DOWN WITH

PRESIDENT OBAMA LATER ON INTONIGHT'S SHOW.

(LAUGHTER)OF COURSE, THE REPUBLICAN

LANDSLIDE IN THE MIDTERMS WAS ASTINGING REBUKE OF THE

PRESIDENT.

I CHECKED, HE DIDN'T GET ONEVOTE.

(LAUGHTER)AND YET, RIGHT AFTER THE

MIDTERMS, HE ISSUES AN EXECUTIVEORDER SHIELDING UP TO 5 MILLION

ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)YEAH.

SHIELDING THEM.

HE IS SHIELDING THEM.

NOW HE'S MAKING THEMS.H.I.E.L.D. AGENTS?

(LAUGHTER)NICK FURY MUST BE...

VERY ANGRY.

ONLY WORD I COULD THINK OF.

THEN THE PRESIDENT SIGNED ACLIMATE CHANGE ACCORD WITH

CHINA, PUSHED THE F.C.C. TOADOPT NET NEUTRALITY, AND WANTS

TO PUT CAMERAS ON COPS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)OBAMA IS TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL.

HE'S LIKE BOTH GUYS IN LETHALWEAPON: HE'S A CRAZY

RENEGADE WITH NOTHING TO LOSEAND A BLACK GUY WHO'S THIS

CLOSE TO RETIREMENT!

(LAUGHTER)WORST OF ALL, I'M GETTING TOO

OLD FOR THIS (BLEEP)!

WORST OF ALL, OBAMA ISTHREATENING TO GIVE US

HEALTHCARE AGAIN, BECAUSE FROMNOW UNTIL FEBRUARY 15th IS THE

ObamaCare OPEN ENROLLMENTPERIOD, WHEN YOU CAN GO ONLINE

AND SELECT WHICHEVER DEATH PANELYOU PREFER TO SMOTHER YOU IN

YOUR SLEEP.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)BUT DON'T FALL FOR IT.

NO!

DO NOT FALL FOR IT!

OR ANYTHING THIS GUY SAYS.

HE CAN'T MAKE THINGS HAPPEN.

THE PEOPLE WITH REAL POWER INTHIS COUNTRY ARE PUNDITS LIKE ME

AND PAPA BEAR.

>> I HAVE MORE POWER DOING WHATI'M DOING, OKAY, THAN GETTING

INVOLVED WITH THE POLITICALPROCESS.

PLUS, YOU HAVE TO KISS BUTT TOGET MONEY.

YOU KNOW, 150 MILLION TO RUN FORPRESIDENT.

I CAN GET THINGS DONE LIKE THAT.AND THAT KIND OF POWER

I COULD NEVER HAVE IN ELECTEDOFFICE EVER

>> Stephen: OH, YEAH.

O'REILLY CLEARLY HAS MORE POWERTHAN THE PRESIDENT.

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME OBAMA SOLDSELF-LUBRICATING CATHETERS?

(LAUGHTER)POINT IS, I COULD BE A

POLITICIAN LIKE THAT --(SNAP)

-- BUT A POLITICIAN COULD NEVERDO MY JOB, WHICH IS WHY EVERYONE

SHOULD LISTEN TO MY CURE FORObamaCare, AND THAT BRINGS

US TO TONIGHT'S --(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: PRESIDENT OBAMA IDIDN'T EXPECT YOU TO BE OUT HERE

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: THANKS SO MUCH!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)PRESIDENT OBAMA, I'M THRILLED

YOU'RE HERE BUT I DID NOT EXPECTYOU FOR ANOTHER THREE MINUTES.

>> STEPHEN, YOU HAVE BEEN TAKINGA LOT OF SHOTS AT MY JOB.

I DECIDED I'M GONNA GO AHEADAND TAKE A SHOT AT YOURS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)I WANT YOU TO GET OUT OF THE WAY

WHAT PART OF THE SEGMENT ARE WEIN NOW?

WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO BE DOING?

>> Stephen: I WAS ABOUT TO DO"THE WORD," SIR.

>> "THE WORD."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)HOW HARD CAN THIS BE?

I'M JUST GOING TO SAY WHATEVERYOU WERE ABOUT TO SAY.

>> Stephen: OKEY-DOKE.

OKAY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)NATION -- NATION, INSTEAD OF THE

WORD, LET'S MAKE THIS A LITTLEMORE PRESIDENTIAL,

WHICH BRINGS US TO TONIGHT'S"DECREE"...

(PLAYING "HAIL TO THE CHIEF,"THEN CLANG)

... TO HEALTH IN A HAND BASKET.

NATION, AS YOU KNOW, I, STEPHENCOLBERT, HAVE NEVER CARED FOR

OUR PRESIDENT.

(LAUGHTER)THE GUY IS SO ARROGANT, I BET HE

TALKS ABOUT HIMSELF IN THE THIRDPERSON.

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

BUT EVEN I HAVE TO ADMIT THATObamaCare IS THE LAW OF THE

LAND.

AND WHILE IT'S BEEN POLITICALLYDIVISIVE, THERE ARE THINGS THAT

PEOPLE FROM BOTH PARTIES LIKEABOUT ObamaCare.

(LAUGHTER)FOR INSTANCE, THAT CHILDREN CAN

STAY ON THEIR PARENTS' POLICIESUNTIL AGE 26.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)NEARLY 7 MILLION PEOPLE SIGNED

UP LAST YEAR AND ALMOST1 MILLION MORE HAVE SIGNED UP IN

JUST THE PAST FEW WEEKS.(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NOW, NATION THE QUESTION IS HOWDO YOU STOP SOMETHING

THAT MORE AND MORE PEOPLE ARESTARTING TO LIKE?

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

WELL, FIRST OFF, NOW THAT THEREPUBLICANS CONTROL BOTH THE

HOUSE AND THE SENATE, THEY COULDPASS A BILL REPEALING

ObamaCare.

BUT THE PRESIDENT STILL HAS THEVETO.

AND IF I KNOW THAT GUY, HE'SWILLING TO USE IT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)AND LET'S FACE IT. EVEN IF

REPUBLICANS SOMEHOW DID REPEALIT, THEY'D HAVE TO REPLACE IT

WITH THEIR OWN HEALTHCARE PLAN.

(LAUGHTER)AND ONCE THEY TOUCH IT, THEY OWN

IT.

THEN IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG,SUDDENLY EVERYBODY WILL BE

COMPLAINING ABOUT MITCHMcCONNELL-CARE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)OF COURSE, ANOTHER STRATEGY IS

TAKING ObamaCare TO THESUPREME COURT AND TRYING TO GET

IT THROWN OUT.

BUT LAST TIME WE TRIED THAT, ITDIDN'T WORK.

I BELIEVE THERE'S ONLY ONE SUREFIRE WAY TO KILL THIS THING.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

WE HAVE TO MAKE SIGNING UP FORObamaCare UNAPPEALING TO

YOUNG PEOPLE.

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WE CAN SCARE THEM AWAY BYREMINDING THEM THAT LAST YEAR'S

WEB SITE ROLLOUT WAS A LITTLEBUMPY.

(LAUGHTER)REMEMBER THE ORIGINAL

HEALTHCARE.GOV WEB SITE?

I THINK THAT'S WHERE DISNEY GOTTHE IDEA FOR "FROZEN."

(LAUGHTER)NOW, THE NEW WEB SITE WORKS, AND

MOST YOUNG PEOPLE CAN GETCOVERED FOR LESS THAN $100.

BUT HOW'S THE PRESIDENT GOING TOGET THAT MESSAGE OUT TO THE

KIDS?

(APPLAUSE)HE COULD TRY TO APPEAL TO THEM

DIRECTLY THROUGH A SPEECH OR APRESS CONFERENCE, BUT YOUNG

PEOPLE DON'T WATCH REAL NEWSSHOWS LIKE THIS ONE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THEY WATCH COMEDY SHOWS, AND I

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THEY WATCH COMEDY SHOWS, AND I

JUST DON'T SEE THE PRESIDENTGOING ON ONE OF THOSE.

THEY'RE BENEATH HIS DIGNITY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)BESIDES, EVEN IF HE DID GET HIS

MESSAGE ACROSS, YOUNG PEOPLEDON'T THINK THEY NEED ANY

INSURANCE.

AFTER ALL, THEY'RE YOUNG!

THEY DON'T REALIZE THAT EVERYONEEVENTUALLY GROWS OLDER...

AT SOMETIMES A FASTER RATETHAN OTHERS.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

AND THAT'S THE DECREE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THELEADER OF THE FREE WORLD.

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY!

MY GUEST TONIGHT IS THE LEADEROF THE FREE WORLD, AND WAS

RECENTLY NAMED PERMANENT GUESTHOST OF THE "THE COLBERT

REPORT."

PLEASE WELCOME PRESIDENT BARACKOBAMA!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> THANK YOU!

THANK YOU!

>> Stephen: HAD TO GIVETHEM A LITTLE TASE. SORRY.

DIDN'T MEAN TO STEAL YOURTHUNDER THERE, SIR.

SORRY ABOUT THAT.

>> I WILL HAVE TO SAY, I FELTMORE POWERFUL BEHIND THAT DESK.

>> Stephen: WITH GREAT POWERCOMES MEDIUM CABLE RATINGS.

NOW, TO SPEAK OF WHICH,YOU'RE THE

LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD.

>> I AM.>> Stephen: GOT YOUR FINGER ON

THE NUCLEAR TRIGGER, YOU STEEREDTHE COUNTRY

THROUGH THE WORST FINANCIALCRISIS SINCE THE GREAT

DEPRESSION --(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: -- I AM THE HOSTOF A CABLE SHOW FOUR NIGHTS A

WEEK.

GUYS LIKE US UNDERSTANDLEADERSHIP.

OKAY?

(LAUGHTER)WE UNDERSTAND LEADERSHIP.

ARE YOU STILL PRESIDENT AFTERTHE MIDTERMS?

BECAUSE THE REPUBLICANS AREQUITE SURPRISED THAT YOU'RE

DOING ANYTHING AT ALL(LAUGHTER)

THAT SHELLACKING DIDN'T RATTLETHE PRESIDENTIAL SEAL OFF YOUR

PODIUM?

(LAUGHTER)>> LOOK, THE ELECTION DIDN'T GO

AS I WOULD HAVE LIKED...(LAUGHTER)

YOU'LL NOTICE I MADE A LITTLE CORRECTION THERE.

I HAD A LITTLE THOUGHT BUBBLE.

(LAUGHTER)BUT AS PRESIDENT, THE ONLY

OFFICE WHERE YOU'RE ELECTED BYPEOPLE ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY,

YOU'VE STILL GOT A LOT OFRESPONSIBILITIES, AND MY

INTENTION IS OVER THE NEXT TWOYEARS IS TO MAKE SURE,

WHEREVER POSSIBLE, WORKING WITHCONGRESS, WE CAN GET EVERYTHING

WE CAN DO DONE TO HELP WORKINGFAMILIES GET AHEAD, TO MAKE SURE

YOUNG PEOPLE CAN AFFORD TO GO TOCOLLEGE --

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: LET'S TALK ABOUT

THE YOUNG PEOPLE.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: WE HAVE A BUNCH OFYOUNG PEOPLE OUT HERE TONIGHT.

THE YOUNG PEOPLE DID NOT TURNOUT TO VOTE FOR THE DEMOCRATS IN

THE MIDTERM ELECTIONS.

CAN WE SEE A SHOW OF HANDS, HOWMANY PEOPLE VOTED.

(CHEERING)THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

>> NOT BAD.

>> Stephen: THOUGH I HAVE TOSAY A CROWD OF YOUNG PEOPLE

RAISING THEIR HANDS TO THEIRCHARISMATIC LEADER IS

DISTURBING.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.

WHY, SIR -- AND DON'T GIVE THEMANY HINTS -- WHY DO YOU THINK

THE YOUNG PEOPLE DID NOT COMEOUT TO VOTE?

>> I THINK THEY FELT DISCOURAGEDABOUT WHAT WAS HAPPENING IN

WASHINGTON.

>> Stephen: MM-HMM.

WHEN YOU LOOK AT THE ISSUES,YOUNG PEOPLE AGREE WE SHOULD

RAISE MINIMUM-WAGE, HAVE EQUALPAY FOR EQUAL WORK, THEY AGREE

WE SHOULD MAKE SURE A FAMILY,WHEN THE CHILD GETS SICK, YOU

CAN STAY HOME WITHOUT LOSINGYOUR JOB.

THEY BELIEVE IN MAKING COLLEGEAFFORDABLE.

THEY BELIEVE IN THESE THINGS.

UNFORTUNATELY, WE HADCONSISTENTLY HOUSE REPUBLICANS

BLOCKING ACTION ON THOSE ITEMSAND AT A CERTAIN POINT FOCUS

FIGURED, YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT'S JUST NOT GOING TO MAKE ADIFFERENCE.

PART OF MY JOB IN THE NEXT TWOYEARS AND HOPEFULLY PART OF THE

JOB OF MITCH McCONNELL ANDJOHN BOEHNER IS TO CONVINCE

PEOPLE THAT, EVEN IN DIVIDEDGOVERNMENT, WE CAN STILL PUT THE

AMERICAN PEOPLE AHEAD OFPOLITICS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WELL, YOU'VE GOT

SOME GOOD NEWS.

YOU KNOW, I'M FIRM BUT FAIR ANDYOU HAD SOME GOOD NEWS

THIS WEEK I'D LIKE TO TELL THEPEOPLE ABOUT.

THE JOBS REPORT CAME OUT FORNOVEMBER.

321,000 NEW JOBS IN NOVEMBER(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THE ECONOMY IS GROWING AT AFASTER RATE THAN IN YEARS.

WHY DIDN'T YOU FIX THE ECONOMYBEFORE THE MIDTERM ELECTIONS?

YOU KNOW YOUR JOB, BUT I WOULDHAVE DONE IT BEFORE THE

ELECTIONS SO PEOPLE WERE HAPPYWHEN THEY VOTED.

AND YOU WIN AND THEN MAYBE YOUDON'T HAVE TO COME ON "THE

COLBERT REPORT."

>> ACTUALLY, THE TRUTH IS THEECONOMY HAD BEEN ON A PRETTY

GOOD RUN. WE'VE HAD 57 STRAIGHTMONTHS OF PRIVATE SECTOR JOB

GROWTH, OVER 10 MILLION JOBSCREATED, MANUFACTURING

STRONGEST SINCE THE '90s.

THE AUTO INDUSTRY HAS REBOUNDEDBACK.

>> Stephen: I'LL GIVE IT TOYOU, YOU'VE EMPLOYED A LOT OF

PEOPLE -->> WE HAVE.

>> Stephen: -- MOSTLY ASSECRETARY OF DEFENSE.

>> WELL, THAT BOOSTED OURNUMBERS A LITTLE BIT.

(APPLAUSE)WHAT WE HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO SEE

ENOUGH OF UNTIL RECENTLY ISWAGES AND INCOMES GOING UP.

THIS LAST JOBS REPORT STARTED TOINDICATE SOME WAGE GROWTH, BUT

WE'VE STILL GOT MORE WORK TO DO.

>> Stephen: LET'S TALK ABOUTCREATING JOBS AND TALK ABOUT OUR

NORTHERN BORDER.

LET'S TALK ABOUT THE KEYSTONE XLPIPELINE.

CONGRESS IS GONNA PASS THAT NOWTHAT THE REPUBLICANS ARE IN

THERE, THE AMERICAN PEOPLE

WANT IT, IT'S GONNA CREATE JOBS,THE STATE DEPARTMENT SAYS

IT'S NOT GONNA RAISE THEPOLLUTION IN THE ATMOSPHERE,

YOU'RE GOING TO SIGN THAT,RIGHT?

(AUDIENCE BOOING)>> OBVIOUSLY, THESE YOUNG PEOPLE

WEREN'T POLLED.

>> Stephen: NO, THEY'RECHANTING "DOOO-IT"!

(LAUGHTER)YOU'RE GOING TO SIGN THAT,

RIGHT?>> KEYSTONE IS GOING THROUGH AN

EVALUATION PROCESS NOW, BEINGHELD UP BY A COURT IN NEBRASKA,

MAKING A DECISION ABOUT WHETHERTHE ROUTE IS LEGAL OR NOT.

YOU KNOW, IN THE FIRST INSTANCE,I DON'T MAKE THE INITIAL

DECISIONS.

THE STATE DEPARTMENT EVALUATESIT.

>> Stephen: BUT YOU'RE GOINGTO SIGN IT WHEN THE BILL COMES

TO YOU?

>> WHAT I SAID IS I'M GOING TOMAKE SURE THAT IF WE LOOK AT

THIS OBJECTIVELY, WE'VE GOT TOMAKE SURE THAT IT'S NOT ADDING

TO THE PROBLEM OF CARBON ANDCLIMATE CHANGE BECAUSE, YOU

KNOW, THESE YOUNG PEOPLE AREGOING TO HAVE TO LIVE IN A WORLD

WHERE WE ALREADY KNOWTEMPERATURES ARE GOING UP, AND

KEYSTONE IS A POTENTIALCONTRIBUTOR OF THAT.

WE HAVE TO EXAMINE THAT ANDWEIGH THAT AGAINST THE AMOUNT OF

JOBS IT'S ACTUALLY GOING TOCREATE, WHICH AREN'T A LOT.

ESSENTIALLY, IT'S CANADIAN OILPASSING THROUGH THE UNITED

STATES TO BE SOLD ON THE WORLDMARKET.

NOT GOING TO PUSH DOWN GASPRICES HERE IN THE UNITED

STATES.

IT'S GOOD FOR CANADA.

IT COULD CREATE A COUPLETHOUSAND JOBS IN THE INITIAL

CONSTRUCTION OF THE PIPELINE,BUT WE'VE GOT TO MEASURE THAT

AGAINST WHETHER OR NOT IT ISGOING TO CONTRIBUTE TO AN

OVERALL WARMING OF THE PLANETTHAT COULD BE DISASTROUS

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: CAN I MAKE A

SUGGESTION?

I HAVE A SUGGESTION.

I HAVE A SUGGESTION THAT I THINKMIGHT KILL TWO BIRDS WITH ONE

KEYSTONE HERE, ALL RIGHT?

>> GO AHEAD.

>> Stephen: THIS ONE'S FREE, OK?YOU CAN USE THIS.

WE DON'T BUILD IT DOWN TOLOUISIANA. WE TAKE IT OVER

THE CANADIAN BORDER, BUILD THATPIPE ALL THE WAY OVER THE

MEXICAN BORDER, WE LEAVE THEOTHER END OF IT OPEN WITH A

SIGN THAT SAYS MUCHO JOBSO.

THE PEOPLE TAKE THE THING ALLTHE WAY OVER THE BORDER, THEY

END UP IN CANADA, AND THECANADIANS ARE TOO POLITE TO KICK

THEM OUT AND THERE'S YOURIMMIGRATION POLICY.

TAKEN CARE OF. THAT'S FREE.

(APPLAUSE)>> THAT SOUNDS LIKE A RIDICULOUS

IDEA.

(LAUGHTER)BUT THAT'S WHY YOU'RE WHERE YOU

ARE AND I AM WHERE I AM.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: CAN YOU STICK

AROUND FOR JUST ONE MOMENT?

>> YES.

>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHTBACK WITH PRESIDENT BARACK

OBAMA.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WE'RE BACK WITH

THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITEDSTATES!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)PRESIDENT BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA!

MR. PRESIDENT, THANK YOU FORBEING HERE.

IT'S VERY EXCITING.

YOU AND I DON'T ALWAYS SEE EYETO EYE ON THINGS --

>> I'M GLAD ABOUT THAT, BY THEWAY.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE GLAD WE DON'TSEE EYE TO EYE?

YES, I WOULD BE WORRIED IF I SAWEYE TO EYE WITH YOU.

>> Stephen: I WOULD LIKE TOLOOK IN YOUR EYES BUT I'M ONLY

ABOUT 5'10 AND A HALF.

IT'S EXCITING TO SAY THE WORDSPRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

DO YOU STILL GET EXCITED OR HAVEYOU EVER BEEN EXCITED WHEN

YOU HEAR THE WORDS PRESIDENTBARACK OBAMA?

>> NO.

>> Stephen: DO YOU LIKE THEJOB?

>> I LOVE THE JOB.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)IT'S AN INCREDIBLE PRIVILEGE,

BUT WHEN YOU'RE IN IT, YOU'RENOT THINKING ABOUT IT IN TERMS

OF TITLES, YOU'RE THINKING ABOUTHOW DO YOU DELIVER FOR THE

AMERICAN PEOPLE, AND ALSO WHEN IGO HOME, MICHELLE, MALIA, SASHA

GIVE ME A HARD TIME AND THEREARE NO TRUMPETS AND THEY TEASE

ME MERCILESSLY FOR MY BIG EARSOR MY STODGY SUITS --

>> Stephen: DO YOU DO NORMALTHINGS LIKE LEAVE YOUR SOCKS ON

THE FLOOR AND STUFF LIKE THAT?

>> I DO.

>> Stephen: HOW DOES THAT GOOVER?

>> NOT WELL.

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: YOU HAVE THE

NUCLEAR LAUNCH CODES, RIGHT?

>> YES, I DO.

>> Stephen: I'M NOT GOING TOASK FOR THEM.

>> GOOD.

>> Stephen: CAN YOU TELL ME IFTHERE'S A 5 IN THERE?

(LAUGHTER)>> NO.

>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, ALLRIGHT.

SPEAKING OF TRUSTING PEOPLE WITHEXTRAORDINARY POWER...

(LAUGHTER)I WANT TO GO BACK ONE SECOND TO

2008.

PART OF YOUR CAMPAIGN WASBELIEVING THAT THE PRESIDENT AT

THE TIME HAD INVESTED THEEXECUTIVE WITH TOO MUCH POWER.

THEN YOU BECAME PRESIDENT, ANDYOU SEEMED TO HAVE A WHOLE LOT

OF POWER.

>> RIGHT.

>> Stephen: DOES THAT HAPPENTO EVERY PRESIDENT, WHERE YOU

GET INTO THE OFFICE AND YOUTHINK, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I MIGHT BE THE ONLY ONE I TRUSTWITH THIS MUCH POWER, SO I'LL

HOLD ON TO IT?

(LAUGHTER)>> WELL, FOR THE FIRST TIME,

YOU'RE ASKING A SENSIBLEQUESTION.

(LAUGHTER)WHAT IS TRUE --

(LAUGHTER)-- THE STRUCTURE OF OUR

DEMOCRACY IS CHECKS ANDBALANCES, AND EVERY PRESIDENT,

EVEN IF ON THE OUTSIDE THEY WERECOMPLAINING, THERE'S ALWAYS THE

TEMPTATION TO WANT TO GO AHEADAND GET STUFF DONE AND DEMOCRACY

IS MESSY AND COMPLICATED.

SO THE TENDENCY IS TO SAY, WELL,LET ME SEE IF I CAN GET THIS

DONE, JUST BECAUSE THINGS ARE SOBOTTLED UP, ESPECIALLY AT A

MOMENT WHEN THERE'S A LOT OFGRIDLOCK.

WHAT I'VE TRIED TO DO IS TO MAKESURE THAT THE OFFICE OF LEGAL

COUNCIL WHICH WEIGHS IN ON WHATWE CAN AND CANNOT DO IS FIERCELY

INDEPENDENT.

THEY MAKE DECISIONS.

WE WORK WELL WITHIN THE LINES OFTHAT.

BUT MY PREFERENCE WOULD BE TOGET A WHOLE LOT MORE DONE

THROUGH CONGRESS, WHICH IS WHY,FOR EXAMPLE, IN THE IMMIGRATION

LEGISLATION, WHAT I SAID TO THEMIS, IF YOU DON'T AGREE WITH HOW

WE'RE APPROACHING THIS EXECUTIVEACTION, THERE IS AN EASY

SOLUTION, PASS A BILL.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)IF YOU PASS A BILL, THEN WE'RE

GOING TO BE ABLE TO GET THINGSDONE.

YOU KNOW, TOO OFTEN WHAT WE HAVEIS A CONGRESS THAT IS STUCK, AND

THEN THE EXECUTIVE AND/OR THECOURTS END UP FILLING THE GAPS.

AND I THINK THAT THE MORE WE CANGET CONGRESS TO ACTUALLY WORK

THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO, THELESS THESE PROBLEMS COME UP.

>> Stephen: LAST QUESTION,SIR.

>> YES, GO AHEAD.

>> Stephen: BARACK OBAMA,GREAT PRESIDENT, OR THE GREATEST

PRESIDENT?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> I'LL LEAVE THAT ONE ALONE,

STEPHEN!

>> Stephen: PRESIDENT BARACKOBAMA, WHAT AN HONOR

TO HAVE YOU! THANK YOU SO MUCH!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)BARACK OBAMA, EVERYBODY!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THANK YOU, SIR.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WELL, THAT'S A

WRAP FOR "THE COLBERT REPORT" INWASHINGTON, D.C.!

SEE YA!

WOULDN'T WANT TO BE YA!

GOOD NIGHT!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: COME ON! WHOO!

>> Stephen: WELL, LET'S TALKABOUT THE JOBS OUT THERE AND HOW

MANY OF THEM WILL BE TAKEN BYALL THE IMMIGRANTS YOU'RE GOING

TO KEEP IN THIS COUNTRY.

(LAUGHTER)YOU REALIZE YOU'RE AN EMPEROR

NOW.

IT HAS BEEN DECLARED.

YOU ARE BARACKUS MAXIMUS THEFIRST

I'M A CHRISTIAN.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO THROW ME TOTHE LIONS?

I WOULD BE DELICIOUS.

(LAUGHTER)WHY DID YOU BURN THE

CONSTITUTION AND BECOME ANEMPEROR?

>> ACTUALLY, STEPHEN, EVERYTHINGWE'VE DONE IS SCRUPULOUSLY

WITHIN THE LAW AND HAS BEEN DONEBY PREVIOUS DEMOCRATIC AND

REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTS.

CONGRESS PASSES LAWS.

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO EXECUTE THEM.

WHEN IT COMES TO IMMIGRATIONLAWS, IN THE SAME WAY THAT

RONALD REAGAN AND THE TWO BUSHPRESIDENTS DID, WE HAVE TO MAKE

DECISIONS.

WE'VE GOT A CERTAIN AMOUNT OFENFORCEMENT RESOURCES.

WHO IS IT THAT WE'RE GOINGAFTER?

>> Stephen: PREVIOUS DECISIONSIN THE WAKE OF LAWS THAT HAD

BEEN PASSED BUT THEY CHANGED THEIMPLEMENTATION OF THOSE LAWS?

THIS IS JUST YOU SAYING,

I DECLARE!

>> NO, ACTUALLY STEPHEN.

WHAT HAPPENED IN THOSESITUATIONS WAS CONGRESS PASSED

LAWS AND DELIBERATELY LEFT OUTSOME THINGS THE PRESIDENT WANTED

BUT THEY STILL THOUGHT IT WASTHE RIGHT THING TO DO.

>> Stephen: BUT LAWS ARE LIKEJAZZ!

IT'S THE PARTS YOU DON'T PASS!

(LAUGHTER)>> HERE'S WHAT'S GOING ON.

YOU WENT FROM THE CAESARMETAPHOR TO THE JAZZ METAPHOR

AND I GOT ALL CONFUSED.

SO WE'RE GOING TO BRING IT BACKTO IMMIGRATION.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

WE CAN'T DEPORT 11 MILLIONFOLKS WHO ARE HERE, THE VAST

MAJORITY OF WHOM ARE GOODPEOPLE, WHO ARE JUST TRYING TO

GET AHEAD AND TRYING TO MAKE --(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO INSTEAD OF DEVOTING A WHOLELOT OF RESOURCES ON SEPARATING

FAMILIES, GRABBING SOME MOMWHO'S WORKING IN A HOTEL OR SOME

DAD WHO'S WORKING IN A KITCHENSOMEWHERE, AND SEPARATING THEM

OUT, LET'S FOCUS ON DEPORTINGFELONS.

LET'S FOCUS ON STRENGTHENING THEBORDER.

LET'S FOCUS ON MAKING SURE THATTHE LEGAL IMMIGRATION SYSTEM

WORKS BETTER. SO WHAT WE'RE DONGIS, WE'RE USING

PROSECUTORIAL DISCRETION TODEPLOY RESOURCES

WISELY, AND WHAT WE KNOW IS THATTHE BEST THING AMERICA HAS GOING

FOR IT IS IMMIGRATION.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)BECAUSE EVERY GENERATION -- EACH

SUCCESSIVE GENERATION YOU'VESEEN THIS WAVE OF SMART,

STRIVING FOLKS WHO NOT ONLYBECOME AMERICANS THEMSELVES BUT

CREATE JOBS, CREATE BUSINESSES.

ABOUT HALF OF SILICON VALLEY'SCOMPANIES WERE FOUNDED BY

IMMIGRANTS, AND THOSE CREATEJOBS FOR EVERYBODY.

SO IT'S GOOD FOR OUR ECONOMY ANDIT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO.