Tommy Johnagin

  • 06/13/2014

Tommy Johnagin covers everything from teaching his mother to use technology to buying his girlfriend lingerie to accidentally getting drunk before the birth of his daughter.

I had to explain iTunes to mymom on the phone recently

and that may bethe last phone call

we ever have together.

She... she wanted iTunes.

I said, "It's easy,just go online,

"find iTunes, download it,create a user name

and a passwordand you have iTunes."

And she said,"Are there spaces in that?"

She asked if there were spacesin a sentence

I said out loud to her,

because she was typing it all

into the browser bar,as I spoke.

Just, "w-w-w dot, go online,find iTunes, download it,

create a user nameand a password,"

and was gonna hit dot com

and just fling all of thatinto the Internet;

just, there'sall the information...

bring me iTunes by tomorrow.

And she hangs a lanternon her door.

At one point,she asked the question,

"Is there Internet on iTunes?"

Well, I'm gonnahang up now, Mom.

I'll call you on your birthday.

I said, "No, there's notInternet on iTunes,"

and she said,"So should I cancel

my Internet?"

Well, that's actuallythe best idea you've ever had.

You should cancel your Internet,

then throw your computerout of a window

and beat it with a stick.

I would rather pay a bandto play for my mom

every night of her life,

than to explain iTunesto this woman one more time.

She called me an hour laterand she goes,

"I downloaded a song,

is it supposed to open inMicrosoft Works?"

No. No, it is notsupposed to open

in Microsoft Works.

I don't even know howyou made that happen.

I'm not smart enoughto be dumb enough

to work backwards...

...and understandthe amount of things

you did wrong in a row...

to open a songin Microsoft Works.

Bill Gatescouldn't open a song...

in Microsoft Works.

How many times didyour computer say,

"Are you sure?"...

before that waseven allowed to happen?

The computer's like,

"I don't think we're supposedto be here, lady."

I live with my girlfriendin Los Angeles, which I like.

I just didn't know thatwhen you move in with someone,

you have to eat and go to sleepat the same time,

like two cellmatesthat got processed together.

Hmm.

That was a nice detail;

I feel like a warningwould have helped, a bit.

Move in together,

just give me a toothbrushand a schedule.

"Welcome to The Rock:

Lights out at 10:00, House Hunters till 11:00."

International...

I have no interestin seeing someone buy a house

in Cleveland.

You know what I mean?

"This new couple'slooking for a starter home

in the outskirts of Cleveland."

Get out of my TV,you're ruining my night.

I don't want to see it.

Sounds like a bummer to me.

I don't carewhat your budget is,

it's the outskirts of Cleveland.

She's nine years older than I amand I enjoy it, I like it.

I like being withan older woman.

I like it.

Aside from constantly worryingthat she's going to pass away...

I...

love it.

I think it's the bee's knees,as she would say.

I...

find it, just to be,the cat's pajamas.

Don't take a drink while you doa joke, is what they say.

"Let me drink."

The problem isn't that she'snine years older.

The problem is that her friendsare nine years older

and I don't, uh,do well with those people.

I get warningsevery time we go out.

One time, she actually saidthe words, "Don't embarrass me,"

and I got upset, until,literally, two hours later,

I was, like, "I'm sorrythat I embarrassed you.

I thought it would be funny."

That was the exact apology.

We went to Thanksgivingdinner one night.

Uh, it was Thanksgiving.

Um, I don't know why

"one night" happened just then.Um...

We went to Thanksgivingat her friend's house,

and, uh, before we go in,she said,

"Don't get into any arguments."

I like to drink,and I like to argue for fun.

And she said, "Don't get intoany arguments," and I said,

"I'm not going to argueon the day of our Lord."

"What are you talking about?"

So, we go into Thanksgiving, andthere's this British woman there

who shouldn't evenbe celebrating Thanksgiving

if... you ask me.

So, we go in,and the news is on,

which is never good,and the news is on,

and there's a storyabout a pedophile.

And she said,"Pedophiles are the worst."

And I was, like,"No arguments here.

They're real bad."

And then she said,"If I met one, I would know

that they're a pedophileas soon as I met them."

And I said, "No, you wouldn't."

And then she goes,"Oh, I totally would.

I'm really goodat reading people."

And I said, "You're crazyif you think that."

I called her crazy,and then, I said,

"If that's a power you have,

"we would just have you meetall the people,

and then, we would get ridof that problem."

And then, my girlfriendsqueezed my leg real tight

like we were on a plane that wasexperiencing light turbulence.

And I knew that she meant,"You have to win this argument."

(laughter)

I won the argument,and I found out

our non-verbal communicationisn't quite as good

as I had thought.

It's definitely notwhat she meant.

and our waiter comes outand he is gorgeous.

He is so good-lookingI cannot stop looking at him.

And then I realizeI'm looking at him

more than she's looking at him,

which means I have a type

and I'm not completelycomfortable with that.

So I said, "Hey, lookhow hot our waiter is."

And she goes,"I'm not into blonds."

"Well, I'm not into men.

"What's happening right now?

"You can't switch hair colors?

"I switched teams.

"For this conversation.

"Now, let's talk about his eyes

"and how he gets his skinto look so soft.

It's like the hairjust falls off."

He's Gosling hot.He was Gosling hot.

(scattered whoops)If Ryan Goslingfrom The Notebook

had a baby with Ryan Goslingfrom Crazy Stupid Love,

then that baby

grew into a teenager

and hung out with Ryan Goslingfrom Drive,

it would've been this waiter.

(audience whooping)I know.

Makes you wet.

He could've kissedeither one of us

and I wouldn't have saida word about it.

He could've kissed my girlfriendand I wouldn't have done shit,

except make her tell methe story every night

before I fell asleep,

because I betit would've been wonderful.

"Tell me againhow soft his lips were

"and how he wrote you a letterevery day for a year.

"And even thoughyour mom hated him,

"she saved those letters.

Because she knowswhat true love is."

You know, the coal miner.

Noah!

and, uh, I wentto a lingerie store

to buy the lingerie and realized

I am not mature enoughto be in one of those places.

It was giggles for days.

Just chuckling, couldn't evenlook the girl in the eye.

She's like,"What are you looking for?"

"You know what I'm looking for."

She showed me a pieceof lingerie that cost $600.

I'd have better luckin the bedroom

if I just gavemy girlfriend $600.

I'm not sayingshe's a prostitute.

I'm not a prostitute either.But if you gave me 600 bucks,

I'd do a lot of thingsI wouldn't normally do.

We go to the bedroom,you start peeling off six bills.

"How do you feel?"

"Open-minded.

I feel real open-minded."

She tried to give methe hard sale.

She said,"This is a great piece.

"She can wear it in the bedroom,

"she can wear it aroundthe house, she can cook in it."

That's gonna cost way morethan $600 at my house.

She's not gonna cook in it.She doesn't cook in jeans.

You think the reasonmy girlfriend doesn't cook

is 'cause her butthole'snot hanging out?

That's what's been holdingher back this whole time?

Plus, I don't want her cookingin sexy lingerie.

I don't want my girlfriendto cook in sexy lingerie.

I get all hot and horny,then the food's done--

I have to make a decision.

She turns around,

"What do you want, big boy?""I'm not sure right now.

If I pick that one,the other one will dry out."

(laughter)

(whistling, cheering)

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