Wednesday, June 3, 2015

  • 06/03/2015

Janet Varney, Felicia Day and Steve Agee suggest some culturally appropriate lyrics for Chet Haze, list their best #GeekPickUpLines and sell some useless items from SkyMall.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

CHILD OF THE STARS ANDQUOTE RAPPER UNQUOTE

CHET HAYES MADE HEADLINESPOSTING A SINCE-DELETED

INSTAGRAM VIDEO DEFENDING HISUSAGE OF THE N-WORD.

>> I KNOW THE MAJORITY OF YOUALL ARE NOT GOING TO GET THIS

BECAUSE THE HISTORY IS STILL SOFRESH IN OUR COUNTRY

BUT HIP HOP ISN'T ABOUT RACE.

IT'S ABOUT THE CULTURE YOUIDENTIFY WITH AND CAN'T NO ONE

TELL ME WHAT I CAN'T SAY.

>> Chris: CHET HAZE IS THE WORSTTHING TOM HANKS PRODUCED SINCE

"BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES."

WHEN WHITE DUDES ARE ALL LIKE,"NO FAIR!

BLACK PEOPLE AREN'T THE ONLYGROUP THAT GETS TO SAY THE N-

WORD."

YEAH, THEY ( BLEEP ) ARE.

THEY ARE VERY SPECIFICALLY THEONLY GROUP THAT GETS TO SAY IT.

I'M SORRY, SON OF FAMOUS WHITEACTOR TOM HANKS

WHO IS THE NICEST GUY IN THEWORLD, ONE GROUP CAN'T TAKE

SOMETHING BACK THEY FORCED ON TOANOTHER GROUP.

NOW CHET-- OR MR. HAZE-- I DON'TWANT TO BE A FORREST GRUMP BUT

IT'S NOT VERY BIG OF YOU TOCAST AWAY YOUR ENTITLED

UPBRINGING AND TRY TO MAKE ASPLASH BY PRETENDING YOU'RE FROM

PHILADELPHIA WHEN YOU'REACTUALLY FROM THE 'BURBS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )BECAUSE AFRICAN-AMERICANS ARE

IN A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN-- OH,THAT DOESN'T SOUND RIGHT.

NOT THAT ONE.

NOT THAT ONE.

THIS IS WHY PEOPLE SHOULDN'TTALK ABOUT THIS STUFF!

YOUR BOY VANILLA PRIVILEGEHERE SAID HIMSELF HIP-HOP IS

ALL ABOUT THE CULTURE YOUIDENTIFY WITH

SO, COMEDIANS, WHY DON'TYOU GIVE CHET HAZE SOME

SUGGESTIONS FOR RAP LYRICS MOREAPPROPRIATE TO THE CULTURE HE

GREW UP AROUND.

JANET VARNEY.

>> YO, I SIT ON A BIDET.

I DON'T TAKE NO LOW-CLASS DUMP.

BITCH, YOU PAID FOR THIS TOILETWHEN YOU WENT TO FORREST GUMP.

>> Chris: POINTS.

( APPLAUSE )FELICIA DAY.

>> YOU HATERS MAY THINK I GOT ITALL, BUT MY ( BLEEP ) DAD WISHED

I WAS A VOLLEYBALL.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Chris: POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, MEANWHILE IN JAPAN,THIS HAPPENED.

WHY, YES, YOU'RE CORRECT.

THAT'S GODZILLA BEING MADE ANOFFICIAL CITIZEN OF JAPAN.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )I'M GLAD THEY'RE ALL EXCITED

ABOUT IT.

THEY, OF COURSE, DECIDED TOIGNORE THE BILLIONS IN PROPERTY

DAMAGE AND THOUSANDS DEAD ANDMADE THIS RADIATION BABY THEIR

OFFICIAL CULTURAL AMBASSADORWHICH I'M SURE CHET HAZE

IDENTIFIES WITH.

HOPING THAT THIS WILL DISTRACTTHE REST OF THE WORLD FROM THEIR

ATTEMPT TO TAKE IT OVER WITH

THEIR BIG-EYED CUTE THINGS AND(BLEEP) ROBOTS.

STOP TRYING TO GIVE ME A(BLEEP), JAPAN!

I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )COMEDIANS, PLEASE GIVE ME A LINE

FROM AMBASSADOR GODZILLA'SSPEECH TO THE UNITED NATIONS.

JANET.

>> MY FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS INUNITING THE WORLD WILL BE TO EAT

KANYE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Chris: POINTS.

STEVE.

>> HEY, YOU GUYS KNOW I'M JUST AGUY IN A SUIT, RIGHT?

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> NO, IT'S GODZILLA.

THAT'S A MAN.

GODZILLA.

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S"HASHTAG WARS."

IT'S BEEN A BUSY COUPLE OF WEEKSFOR THE ONLINE STORE AND NERD

HEAVEN KNOWN AS THINKGEEK.

THINKGEEK WHICH IS AN AMAZINGPLACE YOU SHOULD VISIT ONLINE.

I HAVE MANY THINKGEEK IMPLEMENTSLIKE THE "STAR TREK" PIZZA

CUTTER AND THE TAUNTAUN SLEEPINGBAG.

HOT TOPIC WAS SET TO ACQUIRE IT,BUT THEN GAMESTOP SWOOPED IN AND

DID THE DEAL, GIVING THOSE GOTHSONE MORE THING TO MOPE ABOUT.

BUT IF YOU WANT TO HIT ON AGEEK, YOU CAN'T USE JUST ANY

PICKUP LINE.

IF YOU SAY, "ARE THOSE SPACEPANTS?"

THEY'LL BE LIKE, "OBVIOUSLY,THEY'RE SPACE PANTS.

I'M AN AERONAUTICS MAJOR WITH AMINOR IN PLANETARY SCIENCES."

THESE ARE PLANTS THAT YOU WEARIN SPACE

SO TO HELP YOU SEAL THE DEAL,TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

#GEEKPICKUPLINES#GEEKPICKUPLINES

SOME EXAMPLES MIGHT BE:WHAT DO WE SAY--

WAIT, WHAT IS THIS ( BLEEP )HIPSTER MUSTACHE?

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO SEE IT!

IT IS OFFENSIVE TO MY PEOPLE!

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK AND BEGIN.

FELICIA.

>> HEY, BABY, MY FAVORITEPOKEMON IS LICKITUNG.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JANET.

>> YOUR PLACE OR MINE, KRAFT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

STEVE.

>> MY MOM MADE LASAGNA.

>> Chris: POINTS.

FELICIA.

>> I HOPE YOU LIKE AQUAMANBECAUSE I WANT YOU TO TAKE A

DEEP DIVE IN MY SWAMP THING.

>>Chris: POINTS

JANET.

>> HI, I'M FELICIA DAY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )YES!

YES!

YES!

YES!

THIS IS WHAT AMERICA NEEDED!

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> ROLL FOR PREMATUREEJACULATION.

>> Chris: DAMN IT!

STEVE.

>> I HAVE A ROOM AT THE HYATTFOR COMIC-CON.

>> Chris: THAT'S ACTUALLY VERYVALUABLE.

THAT'S VERY VALUABLE TO HAVE.

YEAH.

THE HYATT'S REAL CLOSE TO THECONVENTION CENTER.

THAT'S PRIME LOCATION.

YEAH, THAT'S GOOD STUFF.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY "CRYMALL."

WAIT A MINUTE, THOUGH.

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, IT GIVESME GREAT PLEASURE TO REPORT THAT

OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE ISOVER BECAUSE SKYMALL IS BACK!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )WE WANT TO HONOR THE MOST

EXCITING THING TO DO ON A PLANEIF YOUR PHONE IS DEAD AND YOU

DON'T HAVE A BOOK AND YOU'REBORED OF CHEWING ON YOUR COLD

SORE.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU A PRODUCTFROM SKYMALL.COM AND FOR 250

POINTS I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME ATAGLINE TO HELP SELL IT.

FIRST UP, THIS GLOW-IN-THE-DARKTOILET SEAT

FELICIA.

>> IT'S LIKE HAVING A RAVEFOREVER YOUR BUTT.

>>Chris: JANET

>> FIND OUT WHAT IT'S LIKE TOPOOP INSIDE TRON.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Chris: SORRY I GOTTA GO

DELETE A FEW BITS OFINFORMATION.

NEXT ONE:THE STATUE OF MARCELLUS

FELICIA.

>> A SKETCHY GUY IN YOUR BUSHESIN A CLASSY WAY.

>> Chris: YES, YEAH.

FOR ONLY 200 BUCKS, TOO.

( APPLAUSE )CLUTCH: KEEPER OF THE MYSTIC ORB

JANET.

>> MIGHT AS WELL BITE.

YOU'RE NOT GETTING LAID ANYWAY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> PERFECT FOR GUARDING YOUR

GLOW-IN-THE-DARK TOILET SEAT.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME"LAMERGATE."

THE STORIED ANNALS OF VIDEO GAMEHISTORY ARE LITTERED WITH

MOSTLY-FORGETTABLE MOVIES, TVSHOWS, AND CELEBRITIES THAT WERE

ONCE DEEMED NOTABLE ENOUGH TO BEPRESERVED IN 8- AND 16-BIT

PIXELATED FORM.

SOME OF THESE SPIN-OFF GAMES AREVERY BIZARRE AND NONSENSICAL

THAT THEY MAKE PLUMBERS WHO TAKEMUSHROOMS TO HELP THEM KILL

TURTLES SEEM TOTALLY REASONABLE.

I'M GOING TO DESCRIBE TWOPECULIAR TIE-IN GAMES AND FOR

250 POINTS, YOU'RE GOING TO TELLME WHICH ONE YOU THINK IS REAL.

A "JURASSIC PARK" BREEDING GAMEWITH EXPLICIT DINO MATING, OR

A "STAR WARS" DANCING GAME THATCHANGES "LEAN LIKE A CHOLO" TO

"I'M HAN SOLO"STEVE AGEE.

>> "JURASSIC PARK" BREEDING.

>> Chris: YOU WISH.

>> OR NOT.

PROBABLY NOT.

>> Chris: IT'S TOO LATE!

TOO LATE!

LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

WHAT? YOU DON'T REMEMBER THISGAME?

I REMEMBER WHEN THIS CAME OUT.

>> I PRAY THAT THEY DON'T NOTLICENSE THINGS LIKE THIS IN THE

FUTURE.

>> Chris: YEAH, NO, THIS ISACTUALLY A SCENE FROM THE "FORCE

AWAKENS." I THINK IT'S GOING TOBE OKAY.

ALF-- HELP THE TV ALIENAIMLESSLY WANDER AROUND TOWN, OR

"FULL HOUSE" FIGHTER--THEWHOLESOME TANNER FAMILY FIGHTS

TO THE DEATH.

FELICIA.

>> IT'S GOT TO BE ALF BECAUSE IWAS TERRIFIED.

HE LOOKS LIKE A PENIS.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>>Chris: YES, THE CORRECT ANSWERIS...

>> SEE?

SEE?

>>Chris: HEY, WILLY, I GOT ADICK FOR A FACE!

I GOT TO SAY, THOUGH,PRETTY DISAPPOINTING BECAUSE

THIS GAME IS SOPORNOGRAPHICALLY BORING, AND THE

"FULL HOUSE" FIGHTING GAME WOULDBE AWESOME.

WHAT'S THAT?

I'M GETTING WORD THAT OURDIGITAL TEAM HAS SPENT LITERALLY

TWO MINUTES MOCKING THAT UPFOR US.

ROLL THE TAPE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )WE'VE GOT TO MAKE THIS GUY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )WE'VE GOT TO MAKE THIS GUY.

MY BUTTHOLE IS SORE FROMSITTING ON A PILE OF GOLD LIKE

THAT.

AS I GO TO OUR NEXT

GAME, "BAD CASTING CHOICES."

CAMERON CROWE APOLOGIZED FORCASTING A LILY-WHITE ACTRESS AS

A LILY-BLACK CHARACTER IN"ALOHA," A MOVIE THAT IS IN

THEATERS FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS.

EMMA STONE PLAYED A DELICATEASIAN-HAWAIIAN BLEND WITH A

STRONG NON-WHITE FINISH NAMEDALLISON NG.

>> UNBELIEVABLE.

>> Chris: EMMA STONE, AS YOU MAYHAVE NOTICED, IS NOT ANY OF

THOSE THINGS.

THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIMEHOLLYWOOD HAS BLOWN IT BIG TIME

WITH CASTING.

REMEMBER WHEN YAPHET KOTTOPLAYED PAUL MCCARTNEY?

REMEMBER WHEN THAT HAPPENED?

THAT WAS WEIRD.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME

AS MANY BAD CASTING CHOICES ASYOU POSSIBLY CAN IN 60 SECONDS.

>> ME, AS SOMEONE FROM BOSTON!

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

STEVE.

>> STEPHEN HAWKING AS LARRY THECABLE GUY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )IT JUST DOESN'T WORK!

>> Chris: JANET.

>> STEVE AGEE AS TYRIONLANNISTER

>> Chris: POINTS.

FELICIA.

>> PAULA DEEN AS MADEA.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JANET.

>> CHET HAZE AS TOM HANKS.

>> Chris: POINTS.