Dry Guys

  • Season 2, Ep 2
  • 09/27/2011

After a hard night of partying the guys try to go sober for a week.

[birds twittering]

[car alarm chirps]

[dog barking]

- OH...GOOD MORNING.

[dog continues barking]

[glass shatters]

[door creaks]

[[exhales sharply]

OH--

- OH, MY BRAIN IS [bleep].

- LOOK AT THIS DUDE.

- OH, BLAKE, HOW LONG HAVEYOU BEEN UP, MAN?

BLAKE!- BLAKE!

- I'M UP. I'M UP.

I'M UP.

GOOD MORNING.

OUR HOUSE SMELLS LIKESWEATY TAINT.

IT SMELLS EXACTLYLIKE SWEATY TAINT.

- THAT MIGHT BEYOUR UPPER LIP, MAN.

- GOOD ONE. BURN!YOU'RE BURNIN' ME.

- UH-UH. SERIOUSLY.LIKE, DO YOU NOT REMEMBER

SMEARING THE POO MOUSTACHE

AND CALLING YOURSELFADOLF SHITLER?

- I REMEMBER THAT.THAT WAS--

THAT WAS WEIRDLY EARLYIN THE NIGHT, ACTUALLY.

THAT WAS--THAT WAS FUN.

- I MEAN, WHAT TIMEDID EVERYTHING EVEN END?

- WHO SAID IT ENDED?

- HEY, WHAT'S UP, FELLAS?

NOW, I KNOW YOUR BELLIES READYFOR SOME OF THIS EGGS TYRONE.

IT'S OFF THE CHAIN, BABY!

YOU READY TO FILLTHEM STOMACHS UP

WITH SOME HOT CHEESEAND EGGS?

- WHAT UP?

- OH, MAN,THIS IS COLD-BLOODED.

Y'ALL CHANGED OVERNIGHT.

- THAT'S WHAT WE DO.WE CHANGE. OKAY.

- OH, HELLO.DON'T SLAM IT, DUDE.

- I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN.

- WE SAID THE SAME THINGLAST WEEK.

- I WANNA DIE.- NO, YOU DON'T.

THAT'S JUST THE HANGOVERTALKING.

WE SHOULD JUST DRINK MORE.IT'LL MAKE US FEEL BETTER.

- NO, I'M NOT 16.I CAN'T DRINK LIKE THAT ANYMORE.

- OH, COME ON, BLAKEYPOO.

HAVE A BEER FOR MAMA.HAVE A--

- NO, GET THAT AWAY.I'LL PUKE IF I SMELL IT.

- GUYS, I HAVE A HEADACHE,SO QUIET.

- WHOA-HO-HO!BLON-DERS IN THE BUILDING!

- OH...[laughs]

- WHAT-DERS?

- TAKE A PEEKSEY.

- OH, MY--AAH!

OH, MY GOD, IS THAT REAL?

DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?- NO.

OH, NOW I REMEMBER.REMEMBER LAST NIGHT,

HE KEPT TALKING ABOUTJARED LETO FROM FIGHT CLUB?

- OH, YEAH!

- AND HERE WE ARE.[laughter]

- MY GOD, I WAS. OKAY--ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.

THAT'S IT. I PUT MY CAREERIN JEOPARDY FOR THE LAST TIME.

WE'VE GOT TO STOP DRINKING.

- WHAT?- YEAH.

YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU'RE RIGHT.

LET'S DO IT.LET'S--LET'S DO IT.

LET'S MAKE SURE WE DON'T HAVEONE OF THOSE WEIRD PROBLEMS.

- YEAH.- QUIT DRINKING?

WHA--I--I--I DON'T--I CAN'T EVEN--I'M--

- I'M SORRY. IF YOUPROBABLY COULDN'T HANDLE IT,

THEN WE'LL DO IT--THAT'S FINE.

- NO, I COULD HAN--I CAN QUIT.

I'M NOT DRINKINGRIGHT NOW.

FULLY IN CONTROLOF MY ADDICTION, SO...

- COOL. HOW LONG ARE WETHINKING? MAYBE, LIKE...

- A MONTH?- LIKE TWO DAYS.

- TWO DAYS?

- IF I WASN'T SO DRUNKRIGHT NOW, I'D SMACK YOU.

- A WEEK.- A WEEK.

- TOTALLY SOBER FOR A WEEK.WHAT DO YOU GUYS SAY?

- THIS IS ME SAYING YES.

- ALL RIGHT. DEAL?- DEAL.

- YEAH.- OKAY.

LET'S DO IT, THEN.LET'S MAKE A PINKY PROMISE,

MAKE THIS OFFICIAL.

- ALL RIGHT.- DO WE HAVE TO?

- COME ON NOW,GET IN HERE, YOU TWO.

- GET UP IN THE MIX.

- I ACTUALLY LIKE IT.

all: MMMMMMWAH!

- I DON'T THINK THIS ISGONNA BE THAT HARD. RIGHT?

WE JUST DO WHAT WE DO...WHENEVER WE DO WHAT WE DO,

BUT WITHOUT DRINKING.

- DUDE, ADAM BETTER HURRY UP.

IT'S LIKE THE GUY NEVERLISTENS TO ME.

- [making flatulence noises]CHAPSTICK.

- OKAY, I'M GOING TOSOCK YOU IN THE MOUTH

IF YOU DON'T CUT IT OUTWITH THAT CRAP!

- IT'S NOT CRAP, IT'S FARTS.- WHOA! T.M.I.

THAT STANDS FORTOO MUCH INFORMATION.

- OH, WE WEREN'T EVEN--THAT'S--- OH, I DON'T CARE.

COME ON, HAVE A SEAT.NOT THIS ONE.

[chuckles]- OKAY.

- LITTLE B.G. ON ME...I DO H.R.

MEANS HUMAN RESOURCESHERE AT T.A.C.

MY NAME IS ERIC ROSSDALE.SOME PEOPLE CALL ME "COOL ERIC."

THEY CALLED ME THAT ONCE.SOME YOUNG PEOPLE TOO.

SOME YOUNG--SOME--ONE YOUNG PERSON DID THAT.

I LOVE PEOPLE.TO SAY THAT ANOTHER WAY,

I LOVE PEOPLE!

THAT ONE'S GOT A LITTLE MOREFUN TO IT, DOESN'T IT?

OKAY, WE ARE HERE TODAY...

- UH...- WHY ARE YOU POINTING AT US?

- HELP OUTWITH SUBSTANCE ABUSE--

WELL, I'M JUST TRYING TOBRING EVERYBODY INTO IT.

HELP OUT WITH SUBSTANCE ABUSE.

OKAY? AND HOW DO IDO THAT?

WELL, ONE WAY ISTO WORK THROUGH THIS WORKBOOK,

START TO FINISH.

WE DO EVERY SINGLE DRILLIN THIS THING.

I SIGN A PIECE OF PAPER SAYINGYOU'VE CLEANED UP YOUR ACT,

BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY,WE HAVE DUG OUT

THE ROOTSOF YOUR ADDICTION.

AND YOU'RE LOOKING AT MELIKE "WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT GUY

WE CALLED COOLTWO SECONDS AGO?"

HE'S RIGHT HERE.HOW 'BOUT THIS INSTEAD?

HOW 'BOUT WE FIRE UP SOME STEP BROTHERS ON THE BLU-RAY,

WE CHILL OUT A LITTLE BIT...HOW DOES THAT SOUND TO YOU?

- YEAH, THAT SOUNDS...AWESOME.- YEAH.

- OKAY, GREAT.

BEFORE WE START, LET ME DOSOME ATTENDANCE, IF THAT'S OKAY.

UH, BLACK ANDERSON.

- UH, I--I THINK THAT'S ME.

- OH, TERRIFIC. OH,'CAUSE OF THE CURLY HAIR,

LIKE A BLACK MAN.THAT'S FUN.

ANDERS HOLMVIK.

- YEAH, RIGHT HERE.- YEAH, NORWEGIAN.

- YEAH.- YEAH. HVORDAN GAR DET?

- OH, IS THAT--NO, I DON'T SPEAK...

- HVORDAN GAR DET?- MUCH OF THE LANGUAGE.

- OH. OH, YOU SHOULD.

OH, NO,IT'S A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY.

AND ADAM DEMAMP.

- ACTUALLY, ADAM'S RUNNINGA LITTLE--

- UH, I AM ADAM.

- WELL, I HOPE YOU LIKESANDWICHES, ADAM,

'CAUSE I GOT A BACKPACKFULL OF 'EM.

YOU HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, BUD.

- WELL, WELL, LOOK WHO'STOO GOOD FOR HIS FRIENDS.

BUDDY, IF YOU WANT TODITCH ON THE CLASS,

I GET THAT...BUT WE TOOK AN OATH!

- YEAH, WE DID OURSECRET PINKY PROMISE.

YOU HAD YOUR FINGERIN MY MOUTH.

- NO, I KNOW THAT.SLOW YOUR MOUTH DOWN, OKAY?

I DIDN'T BREAK ANY OATH.

SO DON'T EVEN GO THERE,OKAY?

- NO, YOU'RE THE ONEWHO'S GOING THERE.

WE'RE HERE, YOU'RE THERE.

- NO, I'M HERE, YOU'RE THERE.

YOU'VE BEEN UP THERETHE WHOLE TIME.

YOU DON'T KNOWWHAT'S GOING ON OUT HERE.

I DIDN'T DRINK ANYTHING.- WELL, WE'RE HERE NOW!

- OH, YOU DIDN'T DRINK ANYTHING?- NO!

HE HANDED--HE PASSED METHE BEER, I DIDN'T DRINK--

- WHAT ABOUT THAT LITTLE THINGYOU HAD ON YOUR HEAD, HUH?

I FEEL LIKE I'M AT THE DOORSOF THE LABYRINTH,

AND EVERYTHING HE'S SAYINGIS A LIE.

- YEAH.- IS THAT HOW WE'RE GONNA DO?

GUESS WHAT, I'M GONNA DO THISRIGHT NOW.

- NO, YOU PUT IT DOWN.ADAM, GIMME THAT BEER.

- I'M JUST GONNA SHOOT HIMWITH THIS NAIL GUN.

IS THERE A SAFETY ON THIS?- HEY, PUT IT DOWN.

[all talking at once]

- OH, AND IT'S GONNA BESO GOOD TOO.

THIS IS SUCH A DUMB PLAN!

- GET DOWN RIGHT NOW!

- HEY, YOU PUT THAT BEER DOWN.- I'M DRINKING IT NOW.

- DROP THE BEER, MAN!- DON'T--

- WE'RE DOING THISFOR YOU, YOU MORON!

I'M DOING THIS FOR YOUR--

- OH, WE GOT IT.- I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU.

- YOU SEE, ADAM,THE THING ABOUT THIS STUFF IS...

IT'S POISON.IT REALLY IS.

- NO. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

GOD, DON'T YOU GUYSHAVE ANY RESTRAINT?

YOU SHOULD SEE YOURSELVES.IT'S PATHETIC.

OKAY? WE'RE DONE WITH THIS BEER.LET'S GO BACK TO WORK.

- DROP THAT.

- UGH!

- OH, GREAT.

YOU GUYS WANT IT,YOU GOT IT.

- OH, MY GOD!OOH--OH...

FUNKY BUTT-LOVIN'!

- DID HE JUST SAYFUNKY BUTT-LOVIN'?

- YEAH.

AND THE LAST ONE IS SOCKPUPPETS.

I KNOW--I KNOW IT SOUNDS RIDICULOUS,

BUT YOU'RE NOT GETTING PAIDUNTIL YOU DO IT.

PLUS, IT SAYSIT'S A LOT OF FUN.

ON THE OTHER HAND, IT ISA SOCK PUPPET SAYING THAT.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CANREALLY TAKE HIS WORD FOR IT.

[ethereal music]

OKAY, THOSE ARE...GREAT, ACTUALLY.

SO LET'S USE 'EM.- THIS IS SO DUMB.

I'M NOT GONNA DO THIS.

- DUDE, IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.OKAY? SOCK UP.

- USE THE PUPPET.

- FINE. THIS IS DUMB.

ALMOST AS DUMB AS NOT DRINKINGFOR AN ENTIRE WEEK.

- EVERYTHINGYOU DON'T WANT TO DO IS DUMB.

- AND FARTSI'S A GENIUS IDEA!

- YEAH.FOR ONCE, ADAM'S RIGHT, BLAKE.

IT'S TIME YOU GREW UPAND PUT YOUR TIME TOWARDS

SOMETHING THAT'S WORTH SOMETHINGTO SOMEBODY

ANYWHERE ON THIS PLANET.

- GET HIM!

- DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME,YOU FAKE-ASS GROWN-UP.

- OOH...

- OH, I'M SORRY, MAYBEIF YOU WEREN'T SO IMMATURE,

I WOULDN'T HAVE TO HOLD YOURHAND AND WIPE YOUR ASS FOR YOU.

- OKAY, THAT WAS ONE TIME.

AND I TOLD YOU, I'D NEVER BEENCAMPING BEFORE.

- HEY, GUYS, WHY DON'T WETALK ABOUT ME NOW?

- OH, OF COURSE.WHO COULD FORGET YOU?

I LOVE HOW IT TAKES USTO QUIT DRINKING

TO REMEMBER HOW SELFISH ADAM"THE MAIN ATTRACTION" DEMAMP

REALLY IS.

- OH, I LIKE HOW YOU'RE USINGTHAT NICKNAME

TO HURT MY FEELINGS,BUT GUESS WHAT, ANDERS.

- YEAH?- I LOVE IT.

AND I'M GONNA USE ITALL THE TIME NOW.

- DO YOU EVER STOP TALKING?

- YEAH, BLAKE, I'LL AGREE.BUT AT LEAST HE KNOWS

HOW TO WRITE A RENT CHECKON TIME, LIKE AN ADULT.

- MM-HMM.- OH. YOU WANT ME TO GROW UP?

YEAH, I'M IMMATURE.I'M REAL IMMATURE.

BUT I'M IMMATUREBECAUSE I KNOW, WHEN I GROW UP,

IT MEANS I'M GONNA BETHAT MUCH CLOSER

TO MOVING AWAY FROM YOU GUYS,

AND MARRYING GIRLS AND STUFF.

- COME ON, MAN,DON'T SAY THAT.

- NO...HE'S RIGHT.

[voice breaking]I'M SORRY TOO.

I KNOW I CAN BESELF-CENTERED SOMETIMES,

BUT...I NEVER HEARD "NO" GROWING UP.

NOW THAT I'VE LOGGED10,000 HOURS OF BEING A BRAT,

I'M JUST A TOTALSELF-SERVING OUTLIER,

AND THAT'S NOT HOW ADAM"THE MAIN ATTRACTION" DEMAMP

WANTS TO LIVE!

- OH, MAN. ADAM, LOOK...[sniffs]

IT'S HARD TO SAY NOTO THAT FACE.

IT'S A CUTE ONE.- IT IS.

- THANK YOU.

- I KNOW I CAN BECONTROLLING SOMETIMES,

BUT IT'S JUST BECAUSEI CARE ABOUT YOU,

AND I WANT THE BESTFOR YOU.

BUT SOMETIMES I DON'T KNOWWHAT'S BEST.

AND THAT--THAT SCARES ME.

- LIFE...IS...SCARY.

- I KNOW THAT I CANTELL YOU GUYS THIS,

AND YOU WON'T JUDGE ME.

I...LIKE...YOU GUYS!

- [crying]I LIKE YOU TOO, MAN!

I LIKE YOU.LET'S STOP FIGHTING.

- LET'S STOP FIGHTING.I LIKE YOU GUYS!

I LIKE YOU GUYS!

- WOW.THAT WAS INTENSE.

THIS BOOK WORKS.

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