Safety

  • Season 1, Ep 5
  • 03/11/2009

Demetri's safety tips: Employ scented candles as a fire alarm, use pubic hair for home security, and maintain a healthy fear of pinatas.

"OH, MAN, NOW I'M GOING TO GETTWO KINDS OF BURN?

YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME."

AND THEN SOMEBODY SAYSSOMETHING SASSY TO YOU.

THAT'S A TRIPLE BURNRIGHT THERE.

I THINK ABOUT SAFETYALL THE TIME.

I'M REALLY CAREFUL TOO,EVEN IN MY OWN HOME.

YOU KNOW, I HAVESCENTED CANDLES,

LIKE, ALL OVER THE PLACE.

I NEVER LIGHT THEM;I JUST HAVE THEM THERE.

BUT I HAVE THEM BECAUSE I KNOW

THAT IF I WAKE UPIN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

AND I'M, LIKE:[sniffs]

"LILAC.

"CRAP, THERE'S A FIRE.

"WE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

TO DO A QUICK ANALYSISOF SAFETY.

I LOVE THE SAYING"SAFETY FIRST,"

'CAUSE IT MAKES ME WONDER,"WHAT'S NEXT?"

SAFETY FIRST.

THEN DANGER.YES!

DESSERT.I CAN'T WAIT.

LET'S GET SAFETY DONESO I CAN HAVE A SNACK.

A LOT OF CREATURES TELL YOUWHAT TO DO

WHEN YOU'RE AROUND THEMIN ORDER TO STAY SAFE.

WRITE IN THEIR NAME...

LIKE A DUCK.

DUCK! WATCH OUT.

THERE'S A DUCK COMINGTOWARD YOUR HEAD. DUCK.

THERE'S A BAT.BAT IT AWAY.

THERE'S A BADGER.

BADGER IT.BOTHER IT.

BADGER THAT BADGER.

BUT SOME ANIMALS ARE TRICKY,LIKE THE LION.

IT'S THE OPPOSITE.

DO NOT LIE ON.

THAT'S A TRICK.

EVEN TRICKIER: BLOWFISH.

WHEN THE VAN FIRST CAME OUT,CREEPS MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE,

"OKAY.

"A ROOM WITH NO WINDOWSTHAT MOVES? YEAH!

DEFINITELY."

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>> HEY, GRAB THE LAPTOP.

>> YEAH, YEAH.

OH, GOD.>> WHAT?

>> I'M NOT TOUCHING THAT.

>> WHY NOT?

>> THERE'S A PUBE ON IT.

A PUBIC HAIR.

>> HOW SAFE IS YOUR HOME?

DOES YOUR HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

HAVE THE PROVEN STRENGTHAND POWER OF PUBES?

>> AT PUBE-SAFE,OUR TRAINED TECHNICIANS

WILL PLACE PUBESON ALL YOUR VALUABLES.

OTHER HOME SECURITY SYSTEMSARE EFFECTIVE MOST OF THE TIME,

BUT NO ONE EVER WANTSTO TOUCH A PUBE.

THAT'S WHY THEY'VE BEENNATURE'S THEFT DETERRENT

FOR CENTURIES.

USE IT ON YOUR CAR...

YOUR WALLET.

PROTECT YOUR CHILDRENFROM KIDNAPPERS.

>> DAMN IT, I HATE PUBIC HAIRS.

>> YEAH.

YOU AND EVERYONE ELSEON THIS PLANET.

>> PUBE-SAFE.

DON'T GET ROBBED.GET PUBES.

SETTLE DOWN.

SAFE SEX.

[giggling]

DURING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE,

THE MAN LIES DOWNWITH THE WOMAN

AND PUTS HIS MEMBER INSIDE HER.

[snickering]

A WITCH THEN CASTS A SPELL,

AND SOME TIME LATER, THE WOMANEMITS A SMALLER PERSON.

NOW, THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT.

IF YOU DON'T WANT YOUR PARTNERTO BECOME PREGNANT, GENTLEMEN,

YOU HAVE TO BE RESPONSIBLEAND TAKE THINGS SLOW.

SLOW:

"SMEAR LAMB'S BLOOD ON WINDOW."

THE LAMB'S BLOOD REPELSTHE WITCH.

WITCHES HATE LAMB'S BLOOD;THEY'RE ACTUALLY ALLERGIC TO IT.

THAT IS HOW YOU PREVENTTHE WITCH FROM CASTING THE SPELL

THAT MAKES THE WOMAN PREGNANT.

NOW, ANY QUESTIONS?GREGOR.

>> WHAT IF YOU'RE HAVINGSAFE SEX

AND THE WINDOW BREAKS?

>> YOU SHOULD STOP HAVING SEXIMMEDIATELY

AND LEAVE YOUR HOUSE, BECAUSETHERE'S A WITCH IN THERE.

NOW, I'M GIVING EACH OF YOUA SMALL VIAL OF LAMB'S BLOOD.

THIS IS CONTROVERSIAL,

BUT I'D RATHER YOU GET IT HERETHAN BE TOO EMBARRASSED

TO GO TO THE APOTHECARYAND GET IT.

>> I'M GOING TO NEEDA BIGGER VIAL.

[laughter]

>> VERY FUNNY.

YES.

>> I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU,

BUT MY FATHER'S BEENTEACHING ME

ABOUT THE SPERM THEORY,AND I'M JUST WONDERING--

>> LET ME GUESS.

YOUR FATHER SAIDTHAT A WOMAN BECOMES PREGNANT

WHEN A MAN EJACULATES SPERMINTO HER BODY.

IS THAT RIGHT?

>> THAT'S EXACTLYWHAT HE SAID, YEAH.

>> RIGHT.

THIS IS FROM THE SAME MAN,IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN,

WHO TOLD EVERYONE IN THE VILLAGETHAT PLAGUE IS CARRIED BY RATS.

[laughter]

OKAY.

HOW ABOUT WE LEAVETHE SCIENCE FICTION

TO SCIENCE FICTIONAND THE SCIENCE TO THE PRIESTS?

>> MY APOLOGIES.

>> WHILE YOU'RE AT IT,YOU COULD TELL YOUR DAD

THAT SPACE IS BULL[bleep].

ALL RIGHT.

REMEMBER,ALWAYS PRACTICE SAFE SEX.

LOOK AT THE NOTES I GAVE YOU.

IF IT'S THE SUMMER SOLSTICE,

SHE'S GOING TO GET PREGNANT.

IF YOU LIGHT A FIREAFTER MIDNIGHT,

SHE'S GOING TO GET PREGNANT.

IF A TOAD HAS CROSSEDTHE BED,

SHE'S GOING TO GET PREGNANT.

IF YOU HAVE SEXWITH AN OLDER WOMAN,

SOMEONE WHO'S OVER 16,

SHE'S PROBABLY GOINGTO GET PREGNANT.

IF YOU HAVE A SEX WITH A LAMB,THE LAMB WILL NOT GET PREGNANT.

THAT'S HOW WE LEARNEDTHAT LAMB'S BLOOD IS USEFUL.

IF YOU HAVE SEX ON A BOAT,YOU MIGHT DIE.

OKAY, I HOPESOME OF THIS SUNK IN.

IF YOU TAKE THESE PRECAUTIONS,

YOU CAN LIVE SAFEAND DISEASE FREE

AND WELL INTO YOUR 20s.

WE KNOW YOU'RE LOOKING FORA SAFE, COMFORTABLE COMMUNITY

FOR YOUR LOVED ONES,AND WE KNOW HOW TO PROVIDE IT.

NOW, YOU MAY HAVE HEARD STORIESABOUT SPRING HAVEN,

SOME OF WHICH WERE TRUE.

BUT UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT,

SPRING HAVEN OFFERS NOTHINGSHORT OF QUALITY SERVICE.

OUR RESIDENTS ENJOYSTATE-OF-THE-ART FACILITIES

WHERE THEY WILL NO LONGER BERACED DOWN THE HALLWAYS

AT TERRIFYING SPEEDSIN THEIR WHEELCHAIRS

JUST SO THE ORDERLYWHOSE OLD PERSON WINS

GETS $5 FROMTHE REST OF THE ORDERLIES.

IN ADDITION, WE HAVE AGREEDTO STOP SERVING PLASTIC FRUIT.

HERE AT THE NEW SPRING HAVEN,WE WON'T MAKE EMPTY PROMISES

THAT TONY BENNETT IS COMINGTO PERFORM,

ONLY TO ANNOUNCEMINUTES BEFORE THE SHOW

THAT TONY CALLED

AND SAID HE DOESN'T PERFORMFOR "LOSERS."

OUR DAYS OF PRINTINGFAKE NEWSPAPERS

WITH DISTURBING HEADLINESARE OVER...

UNLESS IT'S FAKE NEWSPAPERFRIDAY.

WE EMPLOY ONLYTHE MOST COMPETENT NIGHT NURSES,

THE KIND THAT NEVER DRESS UPAS THE GRIM REAPER

AND THEN TELL OLD PEOPLEIN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

THAT IT'S TIME TO GOFOR A WALK.

>> I'M THE FOUNDER OF SPRINGHAVEN HOME FOR THE ELDERLY.

AND AT THE NEW SPRING HAVEN,I'M NOT ALLOWED ON THE PREMISES.

>> AND SPRING HAVENWILL CONTINUE TO IMPROVE

IN THE FUTURE.

WE'LL BE INCREASINGOUR MINIMUM ROOM SIZE.

WE'RE GOING TO RETHINK OUR USEOF EXPERIMENTAL LAXATIVES.

AND OUR FIELD TRIP VANSWILL ONLY BE DRIVEN

BY LICENSED DRIVERS.

WE'RE PUTTING AN ENDTO MANDATORY PIGGYBACK RIDES,

AND IN COMING YEARS, WE WILLNO LONGER SHOOT AT RESIDENTS

WITH PAINTBALL GUNS.

AND WE'RE NOT GOING TO PUT BUGSIN ANYONE'S MOUTH.

THE NEW SPRING HAVEN:WELCOME HOME.

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