Homan, Rush, Smith, Kelly

  • Season 5, Ep 505
  • 11/02/2001

Women's soccer turns J. Scott Homan on, Rudy Rush hates the subway "map seat," Tracy Smith describes her dating style, and Robert Kelly struggles to rake leaves.

DAVID ALAN GRIER>>

HOW'S IT GOIN'?!

NEW YORK CITY!

WHAT'S GOIN' ON?!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NOW Y'ALL GOT TO CALM DOWN

SO WE CAN KICK OFF UP IN HERE.

I SEE EVERYBODY'S FEELING GOOD

TODAY, RIGHT?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WELL, OLD DAVEY HAS A BONE

TO PICK.

YOU KNOW, EVERY WHERE I GO,

ALL I SEE IS OLDER MEN WITH

YOUNGER WOMEN.

I'M SICK OF IT!

I AM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT

I'M NOT GOING OUT LIKE THAT.

OKAY?

I'M GONNA SAY IT OUT LOUD.

I LOVE OLDER WOMEN.

LOVE 'EM!

LOVE THE OLDER WOMEN.

LOOK AT YOU.

I SEE YOU, BABY.

THERE YOU GO.

NICE.

OLDER WOMEN ARE NICE.

THEY'RE RIPPING ON THE VINE.

AGED IN WOOD.

CORKED AND BOTTLED WITH THE

LABEL SMACKED ON YOUR ASS

THAT SAID "GOOD TO GO!"

I LOVE OLDER WOMEN.

THEY MAKE ME PREACH UP IN HERE.

I LOVE 'EM.

OLDER WOMEN ARE COMFORTABLE...

LIKE AN OLD COUCH.

(LAUGHTER)

BROKE IN...

LIKE A PAIR OF LOOSE SHOES.

FAMILIAR...

LIKE ONE OF YOUR BOYS.

OLDER WOMEN, THEY KNOW HOW

TO HANDLE A MAN CORRECTLY.

ALL THE OLD WOMAN NEEDS

IS TWO WORDS...

"SIT.

STAY."

I NOW SHE DIDN'T JUST TELL ME

"SPEAK".

WOOF!

AND THEY'RE GOOD TO GO, MAN.

ALL RIGHT, NEW YORK CITY.

ROBERT KELLY>> WHAT'S UP?

YEAH.

WHOO!

YEAH.

WHAT'S UP, NEW YORK?

NEW YORK CITY.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY)

REPRESENT NEW YORK!

WHOO!

YEAH!

I'M NOT FROM NEW YORK.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M FROM MASSACHUSETTS.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

MASSACHUSETTS STINKS.

IT'S LIKE A LITTLE WIMPY NAME,

AIN'T IT?

MASSACHUSETTS.

JUST--

YOU GET NO FIGHT AND COME FROM

MASSACHUSETTS.

BE LIKE "WHERE YOU FROM, BITCH?"

(LISPING) MASSACHUSETTS.

WHY?

WHAT--

WHAT IS WRONG?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I LIVE IN L.A. NOW, THOUGH.

I LIKE L.A., BUT EVERYBODY

OUT THERE THINKS I'M SPANISH.

I'M IRISH.

MY NAME IS ROBERT PATRICK KELLY.

I KNOW I LOOK LIKE

A LITTLE MEXICAN DISHWASHER,

BUT--

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THEY DON'T EVEN LET ME VALET

MY CAR.

THEY MAKE ME DO IT MYSELF.

THEY'RE LIKE "YOU DO IT, HOLMES.

COME ON, HELP OUT ES-AY."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

PEOPLE WALK UP TO ME

ALL THE TIME.

THEY JUST START SPEAKING

SPANISH.

(TRILLING TONGUE)

MIDA.

MIDA.

(TRILLING CONTINUES)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I'M JUST LIKE " SI.

SI."

I THINK MY MOTHER HAD SEX

WITH RAUL OR SOMETHING.

MY MOTHER'S CRAZY.

SHE STILL HITS ME.

SHE'LL STILL BEAT THE CRAP

OUT OF ME.

SHE JUST WHACKED ME ACROSS

THE FACE.

BAM!

"SHUT THE HELL UP!"

I'M LIKE "I'M TWENTY-NINE.

I'LL BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF YOU

NOW."

"I'M YOUR MOTHER."

GEEZ, GEEZ, GEEZ!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"I'LL HIRE SOMEBODY TO BEAT

THE CRAP OUT OF YOU.

HA-HA!"

I'M NOT JOKING.

SHE BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF ME

MY WHOLE LIFE.

SHE HAD A WOODEN PADDLE.

HAND CARVED.

HUNG IT ON THE WALL.

IT SAID "(BLEEP) PSYCHOLOGY."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

AND SHE BEAT THE HELL OUT OF ME

WITH ANYTHING.

YOU EVER GET THE CRAP KICKED OUT

OF YOU WITH A BAG OF ORANGES?

ONE DAY SHE DIDN'T HAVE

ANYTHING.

SHE PICKED THE CAT UP, SHOOK IT,

PISSED IT OFF, AND THREW IT IN

MY FACE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I DON'T LIKE MY DAD.

ALL THREE OF THEM SUCK.

(LAUGHTER)

I LIKE THE LAST ONE.

THE LAST ONE'S COOL.

BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

HE MADE ME DO ALL HIS CHORES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

THAT'S HOW FATHERS--

THEY MAKE YOU DO ALL THE CRAP

THEY DON'T WANT TO DO.

SHOVEL, RAKING THE LEAVES,

MOWING THE LAWN.

RAKING THE LEAVES IS THE WORST

JOB EVER.

EVER.

FIRST OF ALL, I GREW UP IN

NEW ENGLAND.

I HAD EIGHTY-FIVE OAKS TREES

IN BY BACKYARD.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU BE RAKING--

AS YOUR RAKING, THEY'RE FALLIN'.

YOU RAKE--

THEY'RE FRIGGIN' THERE AGAIN.

THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT "FALL".

ALL THE FRIGGIN' LEAVES FALL.

I'M LIKE "HEY, DAD.

COME UP WITH ANOTHER SEASON

CALLED "FELL".

ALL LEAVES FELL, I DO THIS ONCE.

THIS SUCKS.

YOU KNOW?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

GOD NAMED 'EM "LEAVE",

LEAVE 'EM THERE!

I DON'T EVEN LIKE TREES.

I DON'T LIKE THE WOODS.

THE TREES.

IT SCARES THE HELL--

I'M A WIMP.

I'M A WIMP.

I'LL ADMIT IT.

I DON'T CARE.

I'M AFRAID OF THE DARK.

I'M AFRAID OF, LIKE, MONSTERS.

I BELIEVE IN ALL THE GHOSTS

AND ALL THAT BOOGIE MAN CRAP.

I AM A WIMP.

SERIOUS.

MY MOTHER'S LIKE "GO IN THE

BASEMENT"--

"NOPE.

KISS MY ASS.

NO.

NO.

YOU SHOULD ASK ME IN THE

AFTERNOON, LIKE, 9 O'CLOCK.

NOW KISS MY ASS.

AIN'T HAPPENING."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I'M NOT GETTING POSSESSED

BY SATAN FOR A TOWEL.

IT AIN'T HAPPENING.

IF YOU EVER WANT TO SCARE

SOMEBODY, THIS IS THE BEST.

IF YOU'RE EVER IN A CAR AT NIGHT

AND THERE'S A RED LIGHT AND

THERE'S A CAR IN FRONT OF YOU,

SNEAK OUT OF YOUR CAR.

SNEAK UP TO THEIR WINDOW.

JUST BE LIKE THIS...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

RIGHT?

'CAUSE THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW.

THEY JUST SIT THERE LIKE...

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

"I HATE YOU!

YOU KILLED MY KIDS!

I PIED MY PANTS.

IS THAT WHO YOU ARE?

YOU'RE THE "PISSED THE PANTS

MONSTER"?

YOU GUYS, THAT'S ALL MY TIME.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING)