Homan, Rush, Smith, Kelly

  • 11/02/2001

David Alan Grier hosts Comedy Central's original stand-up series featuring J. Scott Homan, Robert Kelly, Tracy Smith and Rudy Rush.

DAVID ALAN GRIER>>

HOW'S IT GOIN'?!

NEW YORK CITY!

WHAT'S GOIN' ON?!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NOW Y'ALL GOT TO CALM DOWN

SO WE CAN KICK OFF UP IN HERE.

I SEE EVERYBODY'S FEELING GOOD

TODAY, RIGHT?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WELL, OLD DAVEY HAS A BONE

TO PICK.

YOU KNOW, EVERY WHERE I GO,

ALL I SEE IS OLDER MEN WITH

YOUNGER WOMEN.

I'M SICK OF IT!

I AM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT

I'M NOT GOING OUT LIKE THAT.

OKAY?

I'M GONNA SAY IT OUT LOUD.

I LOVE OLDER WOMEN.

LOVE 'EM!

LOVE THE OLDER WOMEN.

LOOK AT YOU.

I SEE YOU, BABY.

THERE YOU GO.

NICE.

OLDER WOMEN ARE NICE.

THEY'RE RIPPING ON THE VINE.

AGED IN WOOD.

CORKED AND BOTTLED WITH THE

LABEL SMACKED ON YOUR ASS

THAT SAID "GOOD TO GO!"

I LOVE OLDER WOMEN.

THEY MAKE ME PREACH UP IN HERE.

I LOVE 'EM.

OLDER WOMEN ARE COMFORTABLE...

LIKE AN OLD COUCH.

(LAUGHTER)

BROKE IN...

LIKE A PAIR OF LOOSE SHOES.

FAMILIAR...

LIKE ONE OF YOUR BOYS.

OLDER WOMEN, THEY KNOW HOW

TO HANDLE A MAN CORRECTLY.

ALL THE OLD WOMAN NEEDS

IS TWO WORDS...

"SIT.

STAY."

I NOW SHE DIDN'T JUST TELL ME

"SPEAK".

WOOF!

AND THEY'RE GOOD TO GO, MAN.

ALL RIGHT, NEW YORK CITY.

J. SCOTT HOMAN>> THANK YOU.

WOW.

WOW.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WHEW!

YEAH.

WHEW TANG, BABY.

WHAT A DAMN NIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

NEW YORK CITY.

I AM SO EXCITED TO BE HERE,

I COULD WORK UP A STAIN.

I'M IN A GOOD DARN MOOD.

I FEEL LIKE I BEEN SNORTING

ST. JOHN'S WART ALL DAY.

I'M GEEKED UP, BABY.

WOW.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE

TO START.

REALLY, I--

I FEEL LIKE I'M HIGH.

I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU.

I FEEL HIGH.

NOT LIKE MARIJUANA HIGH, EITHER.

I MEAN, NOT LIKE--

I CAN'T SMOKE MARIJUANA.

I WISH I COULD.

I MEAN, PEOPLE LOOK LIKE THEY

HAVE A GRAND OLE TIME, AND AH--

I FEEL LIKE THE POLICE ARE

COMING AND THEY WANT TO TALK

TO ME.

(LAUGHTER)

OH, NOT THAT KIND OF HIGH,

THOUGH.

I FEEL LIKE A KIND OF BUZZ

WHEN I WATCH GIRLS SOCCER.

THAT KIND OF HIGH IS WHAT

I AM RIGHT NOW.

YEAH.

YOU EVER DO THAT?

I DIDN'T KNOW I LIKED

GIRLS SOCCER UNTIL LAST SUMMER.

I SAT DOWN TO WATCH THAT GAME,

YOU KNOW, I HAD A BUCKET OF

POPCORN, SODA POP--

THIRTY MINUTES INTO IT,

I HAD TO THE DOOR LOCKED,

I WAS BUCK NAKED...

YEAH, BABY!

KICK THAT BALL!

WHOO-WHO!

OH, YEAH!

TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF AGAIN.

YEAH, THAT'S IT!

GO AMERICA!

AHHH!

AH-HA!

YEAH!

OH, HO.

JUMP IN A GIRL PILE.

YEAH!

OH!

LEAVE ME ALONE, MOTHER.

I'M TRYING TO WATCH SOCCER

IN HERE!

I'LL LOOK FOR A JOB TOMORROW.

OH, MY GOODNESS.

I'M GONNA TRY TO FIND ME A

GIRLFRIEND WHILE I'M OUT HERE

IN MANHATTAN.

(WHOO-WHO!)

I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO TAKE HER

ON A DATE, THOUGH.

IT'S HIGH DOLLAR IN MANHATTAN.

I'M CHEAP, TOO.

THAT FIRST DATE--

ESPECIALLY THAT FIRST DATE'S.

I WONDER WHY I'M NOT BITTER

AT THE END OF THE NIGHT, THOUGH.

"OH, BUT I BOUGHT YOU SOME

SURF 'N TURF.

I WANT SOME PU-NANNY."

(LAUGHTER)

YOU WON'T HEAR THAT FROM ME.

REMEMBER THAT?

YOU ATE A PORTER HOUSE

AND SOME CRAB CLAWS.

THAT'S PU-NANNY FROM WHERE

I'M FROM.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT GOOD AT

FIRST DATES, ESPECIALLY.

I MEAN, I LOOK ALL SLICK UP

HERE, BUT...

BOY, I--

OH, YEAH.

I SEE A GIRL ONE-ON-ONE,

THAT'S A DIFFERENT DANG STORY.

I GET NERVOUS AND SWEAT--

I'LL START SWEATING LIKE

JOHN ROCKER ON THE 7 TRAIN.

I'LL SWEAT, BABY.

WHOO!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

I SAW A GIRL THE OTHER DAY

AND OH, SHE WAS PRETTY.

I WAS GONNA LAY A SLICK LINE

ON HER--

SAY SOMETHING CLEVER, YOU KNOW.

I WAS GONNA SAY SOMETHIN' LIKE

"BOY, YOU SURE ARE PRETTY.

HEY, THERE."

(LAUGHTER)

AND I WALKED UP TO HER

AND I STARTED SWEATIN'

AND I LOST MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT.

I SAID "SO, WHERE DID YOUR

MOTHER TAKE YOUR TEMPERATURE

WHEN YOU WERE A LITTLE GIRL?"

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, FOLKS.

I APPRECIATE IT.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING)

ROBERT KELLY>> WHAT'S UP?

YEAH.

WHOO!

YEAH.

WHAT'S UP, NEW YORK?

NEW YORK CITY.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY)

REPRESENT NEW YORK!

WHOO!

YEAH!

I'M NOT FROM NEW YORK.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M FROM MASSACHUSETTS.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

MASSACHUSETTS STINKS.

IT'S LIKE A LITTLE WIMPY NAME,

AIN'T IT?

MASSACHUSETTS.

JUST--

YOU GET NO FIGHT AND COME FROM

MASSACHUSETTS.

BE LIKE "WHERE YOU FROM, BITCH?"

(LISPING) MASSACHUSETTS.

WHY?

WHAT--

WHAT IS WRONG?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I LIVE IN L.A. NOW, THOUGH.

I LIKE L.A., BUT EVERYBODY

OUT THERE THINKS I'M SPANISH.

I'M IRISH.

MY NAME IS ROBERT PATRICK KELLY.

I KNOW I LOOK LIKE

A LITTLE MEXICAN DISHWASHER,

BUT--

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THEY DON'T EVEN LET ME VALET

MY CAR.

THEY MAKE ME DO IT MYSELF.

THEY'RE LIKE "YOU DO IT, HOLMES.

COME ON, HELP OUT ES-AY."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

PEOPLE WALK UP TO ME

ALL THE TIME.

THEY JUST START SPEAKING

SPANISH.

(TRILLING TONGUE)

MIDA.

MIDA.

(TRILLING CONTINUES)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I'M JUST LIKE " SI.

SI."

I THINK MY MOTHER HAD SEX

WITH RAUL OR SOMETHING.

MY MOTHER'S CRAZY.

SHE STILL HITS ME.

SHE'LL STILL BEAT THE CRAP

OUT OF ME.

SHE JUST WHACKED ME ACROSS

THE FACE.

BAM!

"SHUT THE HELL UP!"

I'M LIKE "I'M TWENTY-NINE.

I'LL BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF YOU

NOW."

"I'M YOUR MOTHER."

GEEZ, GEEZ, GEEZ!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"I'LL HIRE SOMEBODY TO BEAT

THE CRAP OUT OF YOU.

HA-HA!"

I'M NOT JOKING.

SHE BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF ME

MY WHOLE LIFE.

SHE HAD A WOODEN PADDLE.

HAND CARVED.

HUNG IT ON THE WALL.

IT SAID "(BLEEP) PSYCHOLOGY."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

AND SHE BEAT THE HELL OUT OF ME

WITH ANYTHING.

YOU EVER GET THE CRAP KICKED OUT

OF YOU WITH A BAG OF ORANGES?

ONE DAY SHE DIDN'T HAVE

ANYTHING.

SHE PICKED THE CAT UP, SHOOK IT,

PISSED IT OFF, AND THREW IT IN

MY FACE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I DON'T LIKE MY DAD.

ALL THREE OF THEM SUCK.

(LAUGHTER)

I LIKE THE LAST ONE.

THE LAST ONE'S COOL.

BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

HE MADE ME DO ALL HIS CHORES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

THAT'S HOW FATHERS--

THEY MAKE YOU DO ALL THE CRAP

THEY DON'T WANT TO DO.

SHOVEL, RAKING THE LEAVES,

MOWING THE LAWN.

RAKING THE LEAVES IS THE WORST

JOB EVER.

EVER.

FIRST OF ALL, I GREW UP IN

NEW ENGLAND.

I HAD EIGHTY-FIVE OAKS TREES

IN BY BACKYARD.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU BE RAKING--

AS YOUR RAKING, THEY'RE FALLIN'.

YOU RAKE--

THEY'RE FRIGGIN' THERE AGAIN.

THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT "FALL".

ALL THE FRIGGIN' LEAVES FALL.

I'M LIKE "HEY, DAD.

COME UP WITH ANOTHER SEASON

CALLED "FELL".

ALL LEAVES FELL, I DO THIS ONCE.

THIS SUCKS.

YOU KNOW?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

GOD NAMED 'EM "LEAVE",

LEAVE 'EM THERE!

I DON'T EVEN LIKE TREES.

I DON'T LIKE THE WOODS.

THE TREES.

IT SCARES THE HELL--

I'M A WIMP.

I'M A WIMP.

I'LL ADMIT IT.

I DON'T CARE.

I'M AFRAID OF THE DARK.

I'M AFRAID OF, LIKE, MONSTERS.

I BELIEVE IN ALL THE GHOSTS

AND ALL THAT BOOGIE MAN CRAP.

I AM A WIMP.

SERIOUS.

MY MOTHER'S LIKE "GO IN THE

BASEMENT"--

"NOPE.

KISS MY ASS.

NO.

NO.

YOU SHOULD ASK ME IN THE

AFTERNOON, LIKE, 9 O'CLOCK.

NOW KISS MY ASS.

AIN'T HAPPENING."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I'M NOT GETTING POSSESSED

BY SATAN FOR A TOWEL.

IT AIN'T HAPPENING.

IF YOU EVER WANT TO SCARE

SOMEBODY, THIS IS THE BEST.

IF YOU'RE EVER IN A CAR AT NIGHT

AND THERE'S A RED LIGHT AND

THERE'S A CAR IN FRONT OF YOU,

SNEAK OUT OF YOUR CAR.

SNEAK UP TO THEIR WINDOW.

JUST BE LIKE THIS...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

RIGHT?

'CAUSE THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW.

THEY JUST SIT THERE LIKE...

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

"I HATE YOU!

YOU KILLED MY KIDS!

I PIED MY PANTS.

IS THAT WHO YOU ARE?

YOU'RE THE "PISSED THE PANTS

MONSTER"?

YOU GUYS, THAT'S ALL MY TIME.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING)

TRACY SMITH>> AH!

HA, HA, HA!

STOP IT.

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

STOP.

STOP.

I'M SUCKIN' IT UP.

I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE FAKIN'

IT.

I'M EATIN' IT UP.

I FEEL LIKE I COULD JUST

DIVE OFF THE STAGE AND

YOU'D JUST CATCH ME.

WHOO!

MAN, I'M IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD

TONIGHT.

TOMORROW NIGHT, I HAVE MY FIRST

DATE WITH THE GUY I'VE BEEN

SLEEPING WITH FOR A YEAR.

(LAUGHTER)

I DON'T KNOW WHAT DO WEAR.

OF COURSE, MY BEST FRIEND

HAD TO ONE-UP ME.

SHE ANNOUNCED SHE'S GETTING

MARRIED...FOR HER SECOND TIME.

I'M THIRTY-FOUR YEARS OLD...

I THOUGHT I'D BE DIVORCED

BY NOW.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I THOUGHT I'D BE COLLECTING

CHECKS BY NOW FROM SOME

ASS-(BLEEP).

I GOT TO CONCENTRATE ON MY

CAREER NOW, I GUESS.

YOU KNOW, CAREER ORIENTED.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT A CAREER

IS...

IT'S JUST SOMETHING YOU HAVE

SO COULD SCREW A BETTER CLASS OF

PEOPLE.

(LAUGHTER)

EVERYBODY NOT LAUGHING'S

GOT A (BLEEP)-Y JOB.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

OR YOU'RE IN YOUR TWENTIES.

AH-HA!

YEAH.

FUN TO BE IN YOUR TWENTIES,

ISN'T IT?

YOU DON'T CARE.

YOU CAN GO THROUGH MEN LIKE

THEY'RE FRIGGIN' KLEENEX.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S LIKE--

WHOO!

♪ YOU'RE TOO TALL

♪ AND YOU CAN'T DANCE

♪ I DON'T LIKE

♪ THE PLEATS IN YOUR PANTS

♪ LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA!

BUT THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW,

YOU'RE THIRTY YEARS OLD.

AND THAT BOX IS EMPTY.

AND YOU ARE DIGGIN' THROUGH

THE TRASH FOR A WAD YOU HAVEN'T

USED UP YET.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WHERE'S THAT GUY WHO LIKED ME

TOO MUCH?

WHERE'S THAT ONE WHO WAS

TOO NICE?

TOO NICE.

WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?

(SOBBING)

STUPID.

STUPID.

DON'T EVER DO THAT.

NO, NO, NO.

TELL HER.

YOU GO OUT WITH SOMEONE WHO'S

TOO NICE...

SOONER OR LATER, HE'S GOING

TO NORMAL OFF.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU GO OUT WITH AN ASS-(BLEEP),

HE'S GONNA BECOME A BIGGER

ASS-(BLEEP).

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ONLY SINGLE GIRL LEFT.

ONE OF MY SISTERS IS PREGNANT

FOR THE FIFTH TIME.

I SPENT TEN MINUTES WITH HER

FOUR KIDS, AND MY OVARIES

TIED THEMSELVES IN A KNOT.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

SHE CALLED ME UP THE OTHER NIGHT

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT--

SHE'S SO RETARDED--

SHE CALLS ME.

SHE SAYS TO ME "TRACY,

I DON'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY

HAVE A PERSON INSIDE OF ME."

I SAID "SO DO I.

I'LL CALL YOU BACK."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EVERYBODY.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING)

RUDY RUSH>> WHAT'S UP,

NEW YORK?!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT!

THANK YOU.

YEAH, I JUST CAME ON THE SUBWAY.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO ON FIRST,

BUT I GOT HERE KIND OF LATE.

THAT'S MY FAULT.

YOU KNOW, RIDING THE SUBWAY'S,

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DEAL WITH.

YOU KNOW?

A LOT OF PEOPLE LOOKING AT ME

LIKE, YEAH, I KNOW.

BUT PEOPLE DON'T REALLY KNOW

SOME THINGS--

ANYBODY KNOW WHAT THE WORSE SEAT

ON THE TRAIN IS?

ISN'T THAT MAP SEAT.

(LAUGHTER)

RIGHT?

'CAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW THAT

YOU'RE SITTIN' THERE.

YOU NEVER KNOW YOU'RE SITTIN'

THERE UNTIL WHEN?

UNTIL SOMEONE COMES UP IN YOUR

FACE.

RIGHT?

AND IT'S USUALLY SOME

FOREIGN GUY LOOKIN' FOR BROOKLYN

OR SOMETHING.

"EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME.

I DON'T MEAN TO PUT MY PENIS

IN YOUR FACE.

I'M SO SORRY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

MAN, THAT TOUCHED MY LIP.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE)

I WAS SO EXCITED, MY FRIEND.

THE ONES THAT I HATE THOUGH

ARE THE ONES THAT COME ON LIKE

THEY'RE CRAZY.

AND THEY'RE TALKING

TO THEIRSELF.

BUT AS SOON AS THEY SEE US,

THEY WANT TO ASK US FOR CHANGE.

YOU EVER SEE 'EM?

"WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO TODAY?"

"AH, I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT YOU GONNA DO?"

"HOW YOU DOIN'?"

"AH, HEY, BRA.

(LAUGHTER)

AH...

AH, CAN I HAVE A DOLLAR?"

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND I'M LIKE "WHY DIDN'T YOU

JUST ASK THAT BROTHER YOU WERE

JUST TALKIN' TO FOR SOME MONEY?

THEN COME BACK AND ASK ME."

BUT IT'S COOL, MAN.

THEY ALWAYS SAY NEW YORK

IS LIKE, YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE

A LOT OF RACIAL TENSION HERE.

YOU GUYS AGREE WITH THAT?

NAH.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

IT'S SO MANY DIFFERENT PEOPLE

FROM SO MANY DIFFERENT PLACES.

YOU CAN'T HELP BUT TO ARGUE WITH

SOMEBODY FROM SOMEPLACE ELSE.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW?

BUT ONE THING I WISH I WAS--

I WISH I WAS ITALIAN.

(AUDIENCE AGREEING)

YOU GUYS ARE SO SLICK.

YOU GUYS ARE SO SLICK.

YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE WHAT YOU GUYS DO--

YOU GUYS CAN HAVE AN ARGUMENT

AND YOU--

PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE YOUR

DISSIN' 'EM.

THIS IS WHAT YOU GUYS DO.

YOU CALL A PERSON--

THE MOST FAMOUS PERSON IN THEIR

NATIONALITY--

AND THEY DON'T REALIZE IT

UNTIL THEY GET HOME.

(LAUGHTER)

REALLY.

'CAUSE I'M UP IN WASHINGTON

HEIGHTS.

AND THERE'S A LOT OF

DOMINICAN'S, RIGHT?

DOMINICAN'S IN THE HOUSE?

(CHEERING)

NOW, I'M UP IN WASHINGTON

HEIGHTS--

A DOMINICAN CAB DRIVER GOT INTO

AN ACCIDENT WITH AN ITALIAN GUY.

AND THE ITALIAN GUY IS

EXPLAINING TO THE COPS--

(ITALIAN ACCENT) "I'M COMIN'

DOWN THE FREAKIN' ROAD HERE

MINDING MY FREAKIN' BUSINESS

AND SAMMY SOSA HERE CUTS ME

THE HELL OFF.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU JUST TALKED TO SAMMY SOSA.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

AND THEY DO IT TO EVERYBODY.

ASIANS--

THEY DO IT TO YOU GUYS, TOO.

(ITALIAN ACCENT) I WANT SOME

EXTRA FREAKIN' DUCK SAUCE AND

JACKIE CHAN HERE'S GONNA TELL ME

I CAN'T HAVE NO MORE FREAKIN'

EXTRA DUCK SAUCE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

BRUCE LEE GUY HERE.

BLACK PEOPLE--

I SEE Y'ALL LAUGHIN'.

DON'T LAUGH.

THEY DO IT TO US, TOO.

I'M IN THE MOVIE THEATER WITH

MY LADY HERE TRYIN' TO GET SOME

EXTRA POPCORN AND PUFF DADDY

AND QUEEN LATIFAH, HERE...

COME YAPPIN' IN MY EAR.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

BUT THE FUNNY THING ABOUT

BLACK PEOPLE--

WE HEAR ABOUT PUFFY AND ALL

THE MONEY HE GOT--

WE'RE LIKE "WORD UP."

(LAUGHTER)

THEN WE GET HOME, WE LIKE

"HE CALLED ME PUFF DADDY."

FUNNY THING--

ONE TIME I DID A SHOW LIKE THAT.

THERE'S THIS ITALIAN GUY

WHO'S PISSED OFF AT ME.

HE CAME UP TO ME AFTER THE SHOW.

HE'S LIKE "HEY, LISTEN, GUY.

WE'RE A RESPECTABLE GROUP OF

PEOPLE, RIGHT?

DON'T DISRESPECT ME, ALL RIGHT?

WE DON'T TALK TO PEOPLE LIKE

THAT.

ALL RIGHT, SPIKE LEE?

(LAUGHTER)

HEY, YOU GUYS BEEN GREAT.

MY NAME'S IS RUDY RUSH.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

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