Christopher Titus: Angry Pursuit of Happiness

  • Season 1, Ep 101
  • 05/09/2015

Christopher Titus sticks to simple subjects, like how to solve all of the world’s problems, giving his own eulogy and his father's erectile dysfunction.

It's a rough-ass world we'relivin in right now, man.

We've got schoolshootings, terrorism, Bank

of America customer service.

[laughter]

Sorry.

I told the guy on the phone, I'mgoing to talk about every show.

I swear to God, fix it. orI talk about you every show.

[cheering]

Thank god Iraq worked out, andwe're cool with Russia now.

And we're not importing Ebola.

What a great time to live.

[laughter]

We've got a new boutiqueterrorist group.

Now, do terrorists dodemographic research?

You know, terrorists aresupposed to terrorize us.

They have bombedBoston and New York.

You don't terrorize though.

You can stabsomeone in New York.

And they go, I'm walking!

People in Boston beat eachother's ass over hockey

when they like the same team.

[laughter]

That's who you bomb?

Terrorists, go after Seattle.

It's just stonersand lesbians, man.

You can, you can terrorizeSeattle with pimento loaf.

Hey man, they've got some weirdmeat, and it's not gluten free.

Get the Subaru and the kayak.

We're out of here!

[cheering]

Boston?

Really, Boston?

The second that bomb went offin Boston, everybody in Boston--

(BOSTON ACCENT) we'regoing to find these guys,

and they're going to endup bleeding out in a boat.

[laughter]

And what is yourpolitical stance bombing

the Boston Marathon?(SHOUTING) We

will never let the Reebokcovered foot of oppression

hold us down!

How bad can you hate sweatbands,booty socks, and Kenyans?

[laughter]

Those are black people thatrun really fast, Santa Barbara.

[laughter]

Yeah, look it up.

I know.

[cheering]

What is this blackperson he speaks of?

Armageddon's coming.

They've been talking about itsince the beginning of time.

Well, I say, bring it on,because some of us need to go.

[laughter]

Do you know who I'm pissed atmore than anybody right now?

The Mayans.

I'm sorry.

World was supposed toend December 21st, 2012.

I didn't buy anybodyChristmas presents.

I look like a dick.

[laughter]

Do you know how much driedfood I own right now?

I have four months of dryfood for three people.

And you can't just snackon it during the playoffs,

because what ifArmageddon happens?

Then you screwed the box all up.

You get to the endafter Armageddon,

you've got to eatone of the kids.

And which kid do you eat?

The big one thatfeeds more people?

The little one whomakes a better sauce?

What do you do?

[laughter]

Aren't you guys preppers?

If you have not decidedwhich child you're going

to eat first afterArmageddon, you

cannot call yourself a prepper.

[laughter]

I spray painted mine 1 and 2.

Kids, what are you guys doing,playing soccer in the backyard?

Get in here, andplay video games.

Don't get tough.

[laughter]

So because the Mayansscrewed it up, because how

could a 5,000 year old deadsociety that wore loin cloths

and threw teenagersinto volcanoes

possibly have missedthe Armageddon date?

I think we need tolegislate Armageddon day.

Here's my pitch.

For the next sevenyears, five days

a month, we have Armageddon day.

No rules whatsoever.

Total anarchy, like whenDetroit wins a championship.

[laughter]

That's right.

Just bullets and fire man.

And the people thatdon't have their heads

on swivels that aren'tpaying attention

will get taken out as well.

They should.

So who do I think isthe first group should

be taken out on Armageddon day?

Level one person?

Anybody who wearspajamas in public.

[cheering]

Now, that, that isn't the actualproblem that you're wearing

pajamas.

But you made that decision.

You're going to get usall killed in Armageddon.

If you have the balls to wearSpongebob flannel pajamas

in the mall, you needto climb into the wood

chipper on your own.

[cheering]

We need a tune up.

We need a tune up man.

And I know I'm makingfun of us right now.

I know I'm makingfun of human beings

right now, becausewe're in a bad place.

But the other sideof us is amazing.

The things we've come upwith, we're incredible.

We're the baddest ass speciesto ever walk this planet man.

That's why we arethe apex predator.

My god!

We survived the ice age,because we used our big brains,

and we invented hot chocolate.

[laughter]

I'm not a scientist.

When the Black Plaguetried to wipe us out--

I'm not talkingabout Civil Rights--

what I'm talkingabout-- is the plague

that swept through Europe.

And I'm not talkingabout the French.

What I'm talking about--but we got smart.

We started coppinginto our sleeves.

You stop wipingboogers on our friends.

We stopped makingcheeseburgers from the dead.

[laughter]

We are the only animal thatthinks about the future.

No other animal thinksabout the future.

We're the only animal thatthinks about the future.

That's it.

That's why we invented vaccines.

No other animal cameup with vaccines.

You don't see thedogs getting together.

Guys, this parvo thingis really jacking us up.

Everybody kick in a T-bonefor a research grant,

I think we'll be cool.

Maybe we could make some moremoney by selling t-shirts.

I know we all hatewearing t-shirts.

And these vaccinesare incredible.

We've eradicated horriblediseases with these vaccines.

And sure, these vaccinesmay or may not cause autism.

But you've got tobreak a few eggs.

[laughter]

We invented airplanes.

That's metal that flies.

And those planes get wherethey're going most of the time,

if they stay out ofRussian airspace.

All right.

I've got another one.

[laughter]

Those planes get where they'regoing most of the time,

if we can locate them.

[laughter]

Yeah.

You do realize that we just kindof forgot about 300 people that

went down in the ocean, right?

Yeah.

We looked aroundfor three months.

But the NFL starteda new season.

Fuck it.We've got to move on.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

We gave it a shot.

We gave it a shot.

My dadwas his own alarm clock.

My father woke up everymorning like this.

[yelling]

Dad, you OK?

Yeah, I just gotto change brands.

Ha, ha.

Man had six heart attacks.

He had a large heart.

It's when a giant sack ofwater forms around your heart.

Yeah, I always saidI had a giant sack.

Ha, ha, ha.

Those are my father'sactual jokes.

And because he wassuch a tough badass,

we didn't get alongvery well growing up.

He didn't believe in coddlingthe kid at all, you know.

We used to get in my fist fightsgrowing up, I mean, fistfights.

I don't understand parents.

I really don't.

I have two kids now, andI don't quite get this.

You know, Jonathan,you're acting up.

Let's go see a therapist.

If I got mad at mydad when I was a kid

and really gotlike in a tantrum,

I just woke up two dayslater not mad anymore.

[laughter]

And we used toget in fist fights

growing up man and brawls.

But the one placewe always got along

was the Oakland Road Show.

We're big car guys.

We'd go to the big car showthey had up in Oakland.

It's actually in LA now.

But we'd go to Oakland.We'd go every year.

And we went from when I wasfive until I was a grown man.

And once we walkedthrough those doors,

it didn't matter howbad my grades were

or what a drunkidiot he was being.

The second we wentthrough there,

it was just father and son,as close as we ever were.

And as I became older andyou know, grew to a man,

we started sharing real intimatedetails about our lives.

And sometimes, when you'rethat close to somebody,

you wish they had someoneelse they were that close to.

[laughter]

Because there were somethings I didn't need to hear.

Now, there's going tobe an age where I'll

get to either we don'tcare what we say anymore

or you forget sound travels.

My father and I are in theOakland Colosseum one day,

the convention part atthe Oakland Road Show,

just walking through it.Just walking through it.

I'm a grown man, we're justwalking through the thing.

And my dad just blurts this out.

Ah, can't get hard anymore.

[laughter]

What do you want me to do?