Wednesday, March 23, 2016

  • 03/23/2016

Bernie Sanders (James Adomian) and Donald Trump (Anthony Atamanuik) debate their likeness to Jesus and launch attack ads in the @midnight presidential debate.

HARDWICK: All right,uh, it is now time to start

with our candidates in place

the first ever @midnight presidential debate.

Here we go.

-♪ -(cheering, applause)

Welcome to @midnight.

I'm Chris Hardwick, and I'mwearing a very expensive tie.

Our guests tonight are the starsof Trump vs. Bernie, the Debate,

premiering April 27at 9:00 p.m. on Fusion.

But make no mistake, this isdefinitely Trump and Sanders.

-Uh...-(laughter, whooping, shouting)

-Thank you. -Thank you.-Probably.

-Thank you. -Before we begin,I'd like to remind the crowd

to please be respectful--don't shout anything out,

like, "Lick me, Granddaddy,"

or, "Eat (bleep), youracist orange (bleep) stain."

-(laughter) -These arepresidential candidates,

they're not (bleep) boysfor your amusement,

and I would like youto please keep that in mind.

This is very seriousand very important,

perhaps the most important thingyou'll see

on any television network.

-Now we're gonna offer them each-(phlegmy cough)

30 secondsfor opening statements.

Senator Sanders,we'll begin with you.

Thank you, Chris.

My brothers and sisters,

we are winning hearts,

we are winning minds,

and from time to timewe are winning states.

(laughter)

(whooping, applause)

Idaho...

Utah...

Arizona, I thank you.

Uh, two and a half of those,I thank.

(laughter)

We are very pleasedthat as of today,

it's just been announcedwe won the endorsement

of a very important group,

the Soy and Tofu Packers Union.

(cheering, applause)

I thank themfor their endorsement.

We've got sometremendous supporters.

I am backed and endorsedby one half

of Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young,

which is also two-thirdsof Crosby, Stills & Nash.

(laughter)

And look, we are winningamongst some key demographics,

and I think it's importantto keep in mind.

Amongst voterswho shop at Whole Foods

and yet feel guiltyabout shopping at Whole Foods,

we are winning 92% of the vote.

(cheering)

HARDWICK:All right.

Amongst... votersfrom households

where the primary modeof transportation is a bicycle,

we are winning 88% of the vote.

HARDWICK: All right,thank you, Senator Sanders.

-I'm sorry, Senator Sanders...-And if I might, Chris,

-Well, I know, but... -withvoters under the age of 21,

-we are winning 120%of the vote. -All right...

We are winning,and we will continue to win

because the top one percent...(speaking gibberish)

All right, thank you,Senator Sanders.

-(cheering, applause)-TRUMP: Excuse me. Excuse me.

I would... I would like to...I would like to remind everyone

to try to stick to time.

Uh, Senator Sanders wentabout an hour and a half

beyond the 30 seconds, uh...

You'll have to forgive me--

I haven't been on TVthis much all year.

-Unbelievable. -All right.Uh, Mr. Trump, Mr. Trump.

Well, thank you very much, Chip.

-Let me tell you...-Okay.

-(laughter)-this country... this country,

we're losing, we're losing.

We don't win anymore.We don't win anymore.

And we're gonna start winning.I'll tell you first,

I had the same policyon women as I do the Chinese,

which is that 'Ginais our enemy.

And I'll tell you this, 'Gina isour enemy, I'll tell you that.

We started out with 17 peopleon the island,

and Scott Walker,uncanny Valley android face,

got knocked up.

And I have received a rose

in every single ceremonysince then.

We got to go through it.Unbelievable.

I mean, Iowa, I'm gonna testhydrogen bombs in Iowa,

-(laughter)-I can tell you that.

I came in second,I dug a hole in Iowa...

I dug a hole in Iowaon the way out,

and I sexually assaultedthe state, I can tell you that.

But here's the point,very important...

I mean, Jeb Bush,very low energy guy,

very low energy guy.

He was the Terri Schiavoof presidential candidates,

I can tell you that.

Those eyes clickingback and forth.

Someone put a needlein his neck.

-(laughter)-And... you know,

and here's the thing,I love Chris Christie.

Great guy.I love Chris Christie.

But he is a big guy.

I threw a paper clip at himduring one of the debates,

and it went into orbit,and I promise you

if I become presidentwe will name it a moon

in our solar system,I guarantee you that.

-Uh, Mr. Trump... Mr. Trump...-And I will tell you this,

Carly Fiorina will bethe new White House horse,

I'll tell you that,

-I'll tell you that. -All right,thank you, Mr. Trump.

All right, that's all the timewe have for intros.

-Uh...-I think there is some contrast

between the candidatesyou see on stage.

This might not bethe debate you get,

but this is the debateyou deserve!

Sarah Palin is getting her ownJudge Judy style courtroom show.

This is not a sketch.This is a real thing

happening in your real world.

Now, some critics havepointed out that Sarah Palin

doesn't even have a law degree,but on the other hand,

not being qualifiedto do something

has never stopped Sarah Palinfrom doing anything.

-So... some legal experts-(laughter)

are concerned about she'sgonna pass sentence on others

when she can't even getpast a sentence herself.

Take a listen.

We believe...

Wait, I thoughtfast-food joints?

Eh. Don't you guys thinkthat they're, like,

of the Devil or something?That's what...

Liberals, you want to sendthose evil employees

who would dare workat a fast-food joint

that you just don't believe in,thought you wanted to...

I don't know, send themto purgatory or something.

And it just goes on and on.

Since the frighteninglyunqualified Sarah Palin

will now be judgingin a court of law,

please suggest a caseJudge Palin might preside over.

Uh, Senator Sanders,let's start with you.

Okay, fair. Look,I have a class action lawsuit,

it is called Sanders v. Vlasic Pickles.

I am suing them. I'm tiredof trying to take the lid off

and having to run itunder hot water.

And I think that big picklesshould be broken up

into its constituent spears.

-(laughter)-But I will add,

I did not voteto confirm Judge Judy,

and I will not voteto confirm Judge Sarah Palin...

All right. Thank you.Points. Points, Senator Sanders.

(cheering, applause)

Mr. Trump.

Sarah is a beautiful woman.

Very, very beautiful woman.

Wonderful female.Great skin.

Incredible skin.

I'll tell you this right...I wouldn't even be

paying attention to this, okay?

-I'm sorry, Kyle. I willnot pay attention to it. -Okay.

I don't care.I don't care what she says.

I'm just looking at herand thinking

about me sliding somewhere,I'll tell you that.

And here's the most...I'll tell you,

like a sloop,it's like the Olympics.

And I'll say this,I put the mute on,

because she does,she makes no sense.

It's gobbledygook.I'd have her...

I will have her mouth sewn shutif I become president.

-All right. Thank you. I guess.-(cheering, applause)

Audience seems to support that.

I will give you pointson behalf of the audience.

Candidates,throughout the debate,

we're gonna be asking youquestions

submitted from people online.

Our first one coversthe important topic of religion.

Top of religion--always a topic

people are comfortablespeaking reasonably about.

-Uh...-(laughter)

Twitter user@WayneASchneider asked:

Uh... Trump,let's start with you.

I love the Bible.I've read the whole book.

I love the Bible.Great book. Incredible book.

I love Corinthians.I love both of them.

I think they're incredible.

-(laughter)-I love their leather.

I love their leather.And I'll say this,

I really do, I love it.And I'll say,

the Book of Jahb,incredible book.

-HARDWIDK: Oh, the Book of Job,yeah. -Incredible book.

Jobs is in the Bible.Jobs is in the Bible.

If our president wasn't readingthe Quran, maybe he'd know that.

-(laughter, gasps)-But here's the point,

very important, very important.

Jesus, most boring partof the book, are you kidding me?

He's a very boring guy.

They should've chopped him upinto pieces.

They should've chopped him up.Why did they crucify him?

-He came back like Voltron.Unbelievable. -(laughter)

Unbelievable.I would be a way better Jesus.

Way better Jesus.Way better Jesus.

All right, uh, I will, basedon the audiences' reaction,

points to Mr. Trump on that.

-Senator Sanders. -Look,I'm not like Jesus at all.

There's nothing in common.

Uh, I'm far olderthan Jesus ever was.

(laughter)

I don't know, maybehe would have run for, you know,

emperor of Rome or somethingif he'd lived as long as I did.

But let me say this.

I am not particularly religious,

however I do havea holy spirit-like effect

on Vermontersand Vermont-like people.

Wherever two or moreBirkenstocks are gathered,

I am in their midst!

-(applause, whooping)-All right, points.

Points now to Senator Sanders.

Before the break, I gave youa no-holds-barred challenge

asking you to make politicalattack ads against one another.

Let's see what you came up with.Mr. Trump, we'll start with you.

I'm Donald Trump.

Bernie Sanders, this guy isonly three years older than me,

but he looksabsolutely terrible.

He looks like the Templarat the end of Last Crusade,

and America needsto choose wisely.

Bernie Sandersshouldn't be president.

He's gonna be eating alonein a Denny's

for the rest of his life.

Do we really want a presidentwho seems like he always has

old soup on his lip?

It's gonna be like watching Death of a Salesman

for the next four years.

Kids, listen up.He's not your grandpa.

He's gonna slip and diein a bathtub,

and then we'll be stuck withVice President Whoopi Goldberg.

And who wants that?

I am the presidentthat America deserves.

I can tell you that.

-All right.-There we go.

Senator Sanders,let's see your ad.

Okay, look. Uh,yeah, it's me, Bernie Sanders.

They want me to do an attack ad.I don't want to do...

I'm running a clean campaign.

I don't got timefor that bull(bleep).

So in the interestof radical transparency,

I am going to run an attack adagainst myself.

Bernie, you're a jerk.

You're a real piece of doo.

You stink. Literally.

You smell like old bananas, andnobody knows better than you.

You look like Ray Bradbury.

Where do you get off, you bum?

Literally, where do you get off?

You're asleep on the subway.

I'm Bernie Sanders,and I approve this message.

But I do not approveof Bernie Sanders.

We're done.

Very interesting approach.

We now turnto the subject of war,

specifically the Hashtag War.Now...

tonight...

we're wondering what it would belike if Senator Sanders' finger

was on the button, especiallyone that does something

other than alerthis flight attendant.

Uh, what would Mr. Trump doas head of state,

besides negging Angela Merkel?

Well, gentlemen, now is youropportunity to go head-to-head,

mano a mano. Tell the voterswhat the world would look like--

this is your final chanceto get their approval--

if you were sitting in the OvalOffice, with tonight's hashtag,

#IfIWerePresident.#IfIWerePresident.

Uh, examples might be"our national parks would become

national golf courses" or, um,

"the White Housewould get a chairlift."

Either one, either way.

Um, we're gonna go backand forth on this one.

Let's start with you,Senator Sanders.

Okay. If I were president,

"Hail to the Chief" would beplayed by the band Phish,

and it would take 25 minutesevery time I walk into a room.

All right, points.

Mr. Trump.

If I were president,we would have

the first lady-daughterof the United States.

I'm disgusted. Points.Senator Sanders.

If I were president,

I would putthe rich Wall Street bankers

in the same prisonthat Magneto goes in,

but they would not be let outfor any sequels.

All right.Points to Senator Sanders.

Mr. Trump.

If I become president,

I am gonna hunt down RosieO'Donnell like Osama bin Laden.

Points.

Senator Sanders.

If I were president,

I would institutea national Netflix account

with one password

so we are no longer burdeningour seniors

for their Netflix passwords.

Points to Senator Sanders.

You're applauding that,but do you know what that...

you'd end up watchingif everyone were

-on the same account?-They don't even understand.

They don't even understand.It would be Bones all day long.