CC Presents: Reggie McFadden

  • Season 1, Ep 3
  • 12/14/1998

HOW Y'ALL DOING, MAN?

THANKS FOR COMING OUT, MAN.

THANKS FOR COMING OUT, REALLY.

I NEED THE MONEY.

( chuckles )

I REALLY DO NEED THE MONEY.

I WAS JUST IN VEGAS, MAN.

I LOST IT ALL DOWN THERE, MAN.

MAN, I LOST IT ALL.

YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL

WHO'S LOSING IN VEGAS,TOO, YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE WE'RE JUST WALKINGDOWN THE STREET

ALL DEPRESSED, YOU KNOW?

YOUR WIFE IS RIGHT NEXT TO YOUDOING, "YOU'RE AN IDIOT."

THE WORST IS, LIKE, TO LOSEALL YOUR MONEY AT THE TABLE

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T LEAVE

BECAUSE YOUR DRINKSTILL HASN'T COME YET.

WHERE THE HELL IS THAT WAITRESS?

I NEED SOME BIG MONEY, THOUGH.

I NEED SOME MONEY.

I GOT TO MOVE, MAN.

GOT THE WORST APARTMENTIN THE WORLD, MAN.

I GET NO SLEEP.

JEHOVAH WITNESSESALWAYS KNOCKING ON MY DOOR.

AND THE WORST PARTABOUT IT IS I LIVE

RIGHT NEXT TO THE TEMPLESO I'M, LIKE, THEIR FIRST STOP.

I LET 'EM IN. I LET 'EM IN.

I TALK TO THEM.

I DON'T CARE, YOU KNOW?

ONE TIME

I LET THIS DUDE IN, RIGHT?

IT WAS, LIKE, AROUND 5:30IN THE MORNING.

I LET HIM INSIDE, RIGHT?

WALKED INTO THE LIVING ROOM,I SAT HIM DOWN

I SAID, "WHAT IS ITTHAT YOU HAVE TO TELL ME?"

AND HE LOOKED AT ME.

HE SAID, "I DON'T KNOW.I NEVER MADE IT THIS FAR."

I WAS ABOUT TO GIVEHIM A CHANCE...

YOU KNOW?

SOME PEOPLE KNOW

WHAT TO TELL THEM.

MY FATHER, HE DON'T LIKE THEMAT ALL, MAN.

MY FATHER, HE COMES TO THE DOORBUTT NAKED...

"WHAT Y'ALL WANT?"

"WANT TO COME INSIDE?

COME ON."

YOU SHOULD SEE THEIR FACES.

"UH, THAT'S OKAY.

WE'LL COME BACK TOMORROW."

HE SMOKES PHILIP MORRIS REGULAR.

YOU EVER SEE THAT CIGARETTE?

THAT CIGARETTE

DOES NOT ( bleep ) AROUND.

THEY DON'T EVEN KEEP ITIN THE FRONT AT 7-ELEVEN.

THAT'S, LIKE, IN THE BACKWHEN YOU ASK FOR IT.

"PHILLIP MORRIS REG...?

"LET ME GET THAT FOR YOU.

"HOLD ON A SECOND.

"WE NEED YOU TO SIGNTHESE CONSENT FORMS.

YOU DO UNDERSTANDTHAT YOU WILL CATCH CANCER?"

"YES, I DO."

"HAVE YOUR LUNGS BEENIN YOUR POSSESSION

THE WHOLE TIME?"

"UH, YES, THEY HAVE."

HE'S BEEN SMOKINGFOR YEARS, MAN.

HE SMOKES ABOUT THREE PACKSA DAY, TOO.

THAT'S A LOT, RIGHT?

IF YOU SMOKE THREE PACKS A DAY

YOU MIGHT AS WELLSTART CHEWING TOBACCO.

IT'S PROBABLY THE SAME THING

'CAUSE OBVIOUSLY THE SMOKEFROM THE PLANT

AIN'T DOING IT NO MORE.

YOU NEED THE JUICEFROM THE ROOT.

THAT'S WHAT'S GOING TO COME OUTNEXT-- TOBACCO JUICE.

'CAUSE IT'S GOING TO QUIETDOWN THOSE PEOPLE

WHO ARE WORRIEDABOUT SECONDHAND SMOKE.

STARBUCKS WILL BE CARRYING IT.

YOU'LL BE WALKINGIN STARBUCKS...

"UH, LET ME GET TWO LATTES

"AND LET ME GET A LOW-FATPHILLIP MORRIS DOUBLE MOCHA...

"WET GRANDE TO GO.

AND LET ME TRY ONE OF THEMCARCINOGEN BUNS WITH IT."

EVERYWHERE YOU GO

SOMEBODY SMOKING SOMETHING,THOUGH, RIGHT?

IT'S EITHER...

IT'S EITHER CIGARETTES

OR WEED.

I CAN'T EVEN GO TO A CLUB

WITHOUT SMELLINGSOME WEED WHEN I GO IN A CLUB.

I'M IN THE CLUB DANCING.

I'M, LIKE, "SOMEBODY...

SOMEBODY SMOKING SOME WEEDUP IN HERE."

YOU KNOW, YOU BE LOOKINGFOR THE GUY, TOO.

YOU BE LOOKING--"WHO'S SMOKING?"

"WHO THE HELL IS SMOKINGWEED UP IN HERE?"

NO, BUT IF THE PARTY'S JUMPING

I'M GOING TO STAY AND HAVEA GOOD TIME, YOU KNOW?

IT'S NOT LIKE THE GUYIS SMOKING CRACK OR ANYTHING

'CAUSE THAT'S WHEN IT'S TIMETO GO RIGHT THERE.

IF YOU SMELL CRACKIN THE AIR

IT'S, LIKE, PARTY OVER.

EVEN THE GUY SMOKING WEEDGETS MAD.

"MAN, I DIDN'T KNOW THEY GOINGTO BE DOING DRUGS UP IN HERE.

"THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

"I AM GETTING THE HELLOUT OF HERE.

THIS IS NOT FOR ME."

HE COMES BACK WITH THE COPS.

"THERE HE IS RIGHT THERE,OFFICER.

THERE HE IS RIGHT THERE."

( coughing )

"YOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMEDOF YOURSELF!

"YOU NEED SOME HELP, MAN.

"TAKE HIM AWAY.

"TAKE HIM AWAY.

"HE'S MESSING UP THE PARTY.

( bleep ) I'M GOINGTO GET ME SOMETHING TO EAT."

TRYING TO GET SOME JOKES TODAY,WALKING AROUND.

I SAW THIS DUDE GET ARRESTEDRIGHT ON THE CORNER.

YOU KNOW, AND I'M WALKING

BY HIM, RIGHT,AND I STOP TO WATCH

AND THE DUDE GOT MAD AT ME,YOU KNOW?

THEY WERE PUTTING THE CUFFSON HIM.

HE LOOKS AT ME.

HE SAYS, "WHAT THE HELLYOU LOOKING AT?"

I SAID, "I'M LOOKING

AT YOUR ASS GOTO JAIL, ( bleep )."

BUT YOU CAN SAY ANYTHINGWITH THE CUFFS ON.

"YOU WANT TO MAKE SOMETHINGOF IT, HUH?

"LET HIM... LET HIM GO.

YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME, HUH?"

MAN, I MESSED WITH HIM ALL DAY.

THEY PUT HIM IN THE SQUAD CAR.

I CAME BY THE WINDOW.

I WAS KNOCKING ON THE WINDOW.

YOU KNOW, HE IN THE CAR,"I'M GONNA KILL YOU."

I'M LIKE, "WHATEVER."

NOW, I CAN STOP AND WATCH.

I PAY MY TAXES.

I HATE TO SEE BLACK PEOPLEGET ARRESTED, THOUGH, YOU KNOW.

SEE, EVERY-EVERY TIME I WALKBY A BROTHER GETTING ARRESTED

HE ALWAYS LOOKS AT MELIKE I'M SUPPOSED

TO HELP HIM ESCAPE...

LIKE I'M SUPPOSEDTO KNOCK OUT THE COP.

"GET THE KEY!"

"WE IN THIS TOGETHER!"

I'M LIKE, "NO, WE NOT.

"THEY AIN'T SAY NOTHING

ABOUT THIS AT THE MEETING."

AND YOU GOT TO BE CAREFUL

WHEN YOU'REANOTHER BROTHER WALKING

BY ANOTHER BROTHERGETTING ARRESTED

'CAUSE SUDDENLY YOU MIGHT BETHE GUY WHO GOT AWAY.

"THERE HE IS."

"I DON'T KNOW HIM."

AN-AND WE DON'T STAND UP.

WHEN THEY ARREST BROTHERS

WE GOT TO LAY ON THE GROUND,YOU KNOW?

WHEN YOU'RE OVER SIX FEET TALL--

"ON THE GROUND.ON-ON THE...

ON THE GROUND."

YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT?

I'M COMING FROM CHURCH."

OH.

MEXICAN ON...

" SENOR, SENOR..."

" LA PISA."

( grunts )

AND WHITE PEOPLE ARE ALLOWEDTO STAND UP

WHEN THEY GET ARRESTED...

STAND UP AND COMPLAIN.

"THIS IS RIDICULOUS."

YOU KNOW,THEY COME WALKING AROUND--

"IS THIS REALLY NECESSARY?"

"LOOK, I WANT MY...

DO I LOOK LIKE A CRIMINAL,( bleep )?"

START GETTING MAD...

USE ALL THEM BIG WORDS.

"THIS IS PREPOSTEROUS."

"WHAT IS YOUR NAME?"

YOU WATCH THAT SHOW?

THAT'S MY SHOW RIGHT THERE.

I LIKE COPS.

THAT'S MY SHOW.

YOU KNOW, I CAN WATCH PEOPLEGET ARRESTED

IN THE COMFORT OF MY OWN HOME.

I NEVER SEE, LIKE,THE BEGINNING, THOUGH, YOU KNOW?

I ALWAYS COME IN, LIKE,IN THE MIDDLE

WHEN, LIKE, EVERYBODY'S RUNNING.

YOU KNOW, EVERYONE...THE CRIMINAL'S RUNNING, MAN

THE CAMERAMAN IS RUNNING.

THE CAMERAMAN'S QUICK, TOO.

HE BE RUNNING ON THE GUY.

AN-AND THE THIEF ISALWAYS SURPRISED

THAT THE CAMERAMAN KEEPING UPWITH HIM.

BE JUMPING OVER FENCES.

( panting )

THE... THE COP...

THE COP IS NOWHERE IN SIGHT.

THE COP'S, LIKE,TWO BLOCKS AWAY, LIKE...

"GET HIM!"

THE CAMERAMAN DOINGALL THE WORK.

MY FAVORITE PART ISWHEN THEY LOSE THE GUY

FOR, LIKE, A LITTLE WHILE

YOU KNOW, LIKE...LOSE HIM IN SOMEBODY'S BACKYARD.

YOU KNOW,THAT'S WHEN THE VOICE-OVER

COMES ON, LIKE...

( panting )

( continuing panting )

( panting stops )

"WE, UH...

WE KNOW HE'SBACK HERE SOMEWHERE."

"WE THINK... WE THINK HE'SIN THOSE BUSHES OVER THERE"

AND YOU BE AT HOME

TRYING TO FIND HIM,TOO, LIKE...

YOU KNOW, YOU'LL BE LOOKINGALL OVER YOUR TV.

"WHERE THE HELL...?"

"WHICH WAY DID HE GO?"

THE DUDE BE IN THE BUSHES,TRYING TO BLEND INTO THE LEAVES.

THAT'S WHAT MY MOMS WANTED METO DO.

SHE WANTED ME TO BE A COP.

( sparse applause )

I GOT...

I COULDN'T DO THAT JOB, SO...

YOU GIVE ME A GUN AND A STICK...

YOU KNOW...GIVE ME A GUN AND A STICK

AND A BADGE THAT SAYSI CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT TO DO

AND EVERY DAY

I'D BE ITCHINGTO USE THAT STICK.

EVERY DAY,I'D WALK DOWN THE STREET...

JUST WALK UP TO SHORT PEOPLE.

"AND KEEP IT MOVING."

TRYING TO LOSE MY BELLY, MAN.

DAMN.

I'M TRYING TO LOSE IT.

THAT'S WHY I'M WEARINGTHIS BIG JACKET.

YOU KNOW YOU GOTTO LOSE SOME WEIGHT

WHEN YOUR GIRLFRIENDWANTS TO LICK YOUR TITTIES.

YOUR... YOUROLD LADY'S

AT THE POINT

WHERE SHE'S... "OH, THIS IS FUN.

JUST LIKE MINE, YOU FAT SLOB."

SEE A LOT OF WOMEN--

A LOT OF DATES HERE TONIGHT.THAT'S GOOD.

MUST BE ROUGH DATING RIGHT NOW.IT'S ROUGH.

YOU'VE GOT TO KICK OUT.

YOU'VE GOT TO KICK OUTSOME MONEY, RIGHT?

YOU GOT TO PAY FOR EVERYTHING.

WOMEN DON'T WANT NO BROKE GUY.

Y'ALL MAKE US PAY FOR EVERYTHINGUP FRONT

FOR THE FIRST SIX MONTHS.

SIX MONTHS...

WE GOT TO PAYFOR EVERYTHING, MAN.

PAY FOR THE MOVIES

PAY FOR DINNER

PAY FOR THE CLUB.

AND WHEN THEY PAY FOR SOMETHING,THEY CALL IT A TREAT.

THEY TELL YOU,"YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GOING TO TREAT YOU TONIGHT."

YOU'RE LOOKING AT HER LIKE,IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME, ( bleep ).

I'VE BEEN WAITING FORMY DAMN TREAT.

MY THING, I JUST DON'T LIKEDRIVING WOMEN HOME, MAN.

THAT'S THE THING.

I ALWAYS MEET THE WOMENWHO LIVE IN BAD NEIGHBORHOODS.

YOU KNOW, THEY ALWAYS SAYTHE SAME THING

WHEN THEY GET OUT THE CAR.

WHEN THEY GET OUT THE CAR,"DON'T DRIVE AWAY

TILL I GET INSIDE MY HOUSE."

YOU KNOW, LIKE IF SOMEBODYOUT THERE

I'M GOING TO GET OUTOF MY CAR.

I MIGHT ROLL DOWN THE WINDOW

LIKE, "HEY, MAN, DON'T BEDOING THAT TO HER."

"YOU BETTER LEAVE HER...THAT'S RIGHT, I'M..."

( imitating car engine )

I GUESSI WON'T BE SEEING HER AGAIN.

I DRIVE AROUND THE BLOCK,TRY TO HELP HER OUT.

"LEAVE HER ALONE."

"RUN, GIRL!

"HE'S RIGHT ON YOUR HEELS!

"WATCH OUT!

WATCH OUT FOR THE KNIFE!"

SOME WNBA WOMEN--THAT'S WHO YOU GOT TO DATE.

THEY DON'T NEED NO PROTECTION.

WALKING EVERYWHERE.

GET A BIG GIRL...

IT'S KIND OF COOLIN THE BEGINNING

BECAUSE YOU CAN PLAYBASKETBALL WITH THEM AND STUFF.

BUT LATE AT NIGHT IN BED

IT'S LIKE SLEEPING WITHYOUR BROTHER OR SOMETHING.

I'M IN THE BED GOING,"MOVE YOUR BIG ASS OVER.

GIVE ME SOME ROOM."

BIG WOMEN DON'T THINKTHEY'RE BIG.

THEY THINK THEY'RE PETITE.

THEY THINK THEY'RE LITTLE GIRLS.

THEY BE RUNNING THROUGHTHE HOUSE GOING

"WHY DON'T YOU CARRY ME?"

I'M...

WHY DON'T YOU CARRY ME, bleep )?

THE WORST WAS LOOKINGAT HER FEET.

SHE HAD SOME BIG FEET, MAN.

SIZE 13 1/2.

AND I'M A SIZE 12.

YOU DON'T WANT YOUR WOMAN'S FEETBIGGER THAN YOUR FEET.

THAT'S A SCARY SIGHT TO WAKE UPTO IN THE MORNING.

SOME MORNINGS, I WOULD WAKE UPAND TOUCH HER THROAT--

MAKE SURE THERE'S NOADAM'S APPLE THERE, YOU KNOW.

I DIDN'T WANT TO BE

THAT GUY ON JERRY SPRINGER.

I DIDN'T KNOW!

OH, GOD!

YOU NEVER KNOW NOWADAYS, YEAH.

SHE WAS TOO BIG.

SHE WAS ONEOF THEM GEMINI WOMEN

WANT TO HIT ON MEWHEN SHE GET MAD, SEE.

THAT'S WHY I LIKE DATINGSMALL WOMEN.

SMALL WOMEN DON'THIT YOU THAT MUCH.

AND IF THEY DO HIT YOU,THEY REALIZE HOW BIG YOU ARE

AND THEN WALK INTO THE BATHROOMLIKE...

BIG GIRLS DON'T GO NOWHERE.

THEY STAND THEIR GROUND LIKE...

YOU BE THE ONE BACKING UP.

"HEY! HEY!

I WAS JUST PLAYING WITH YOU."

WE USED TO GET INTO THOSEPILLOW FIGHTS ALL THE TIME.

EVER DO THAT?

HAVE A PILLOW FIGHTWITH YOUR LADY

AND IT TURNS INTO A REAL FIGHT.

YOU KNOW, IT STARTS UPALL PLAYFUL.

YOU WALKING THROUGH THE HOUSE...

OH, SOMEBODY FEEL LIKE PLAYING,HUH?

IT STARTS GETTING SERIOUS.

( bleep ) GO ON FORLIKE TWO HOURS

YOU KNOW,UNTIL YOU GET HER GOOD.

HONEY, YOU OKAY?

THEN YOU'RE OUTSIDE--

"OFFICER, LOOK, SHE HIT ME

"WITH THE PILLOW FIRST,ALL RIGHT?

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED, MAN."

I HATE SHOPPINGIN THE MALL, 'CAUSE...

YOU KNOW.

SECURITY GUARDS ALWAYSFOLLOW ME AROUND.

YOU KNOW, AND THE WORST PARTIS WHEN I'M LEAVING

LIKE, IF I DON'TBUY SOMETHING...

THE CLOSER I GET TO THE DOOR,I START THINKING TO MYSELF

I'M LIKE, "OH, GOD, I HOPEI DIDN'T TAKE ANYTHING."

HE BE LOOKING AT ME...

WENT INTO THE GAP, TOO.

THERE ARE TOO MANY GAY PEOPLEWORKING IN THE GAP.

I'M NOT HOMOPHOBICBUT I AM A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE

WITH A GAYFITTING ROOM ATTENDANT.

THAT DUDE SCARESTHE ( BLEEP ) OUT OF ME.

"HOW MANY DO YOU HAVE?"

"COME THIS WAY."

YOU KNOW, HE'S PEEKINGOVER THE PARTITION.

"IS EVERYTHING FINE?"

YOU KNOW

BRINGING ME THINGSI DIDN'T ASK FOR.

"TRY THESE ON.

THESE ARE YOUR COLOR."

"CAN I GET SOME PRIVACY, MAN?"

"I NEED TO SPEAKTO THE MANAGER."

"YES, I'M THE MANAGER."

EVERYWHERE YOU GO, GAY...

GAY PEOPLE LIKE TO TALKTO ME, TOO.

THEY ALWAYS FEEL

THAT THEY HAVE SOMETHINGTO COMPARE TO, YOU KNOW.

THEY'RE ALWAYS COMPARINGTHEIRSELVES TO BLACK PEOPLE.

"I UNDERSTANDWHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH.

"I DEAL WITH THE SAME TYPEOF PREJUDICES

THAT YOU GO THROUGH EVERY DAY."

I'M LIKE,"GET THE ( bleep ) OUT OF HERE.

I DON'T REMEMBER SEEINGYOUR ASS ON THE PLANTATION."

"IT'S SO HOT OUT HERE."

♪ "SWING LOW...

♪ SWEET CHARIOT."

I DON'T REMEMBER HEARING ITSUNG THAT WAY.

I WENT TO, UH, I WENTTO MY FAMILY REUNION RECENTLY.

I HAD A COUSINCOME OUT THE CLOSET

AT THE FAMILY REUNION.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW,EVERYBODY WAS SITTING AROUND

EATING FOOD, RIGHT?

EVERYONE WAS EATING FOOD

AND MY COUSIN STANDS UP

AND GOES,"I JUST WANT EVERYBODY TO KNOW

"THAT I AM GAY

AND I'M PROUD OF IT."

YOU KNOW,AND EVERYONE GOT QUIET

EXCEPT FOR MY GRANDMOTHER.

YOU KNOW, SHE'S, SHE'S 87.

SHE'S SITTING AT THE HEADOF THE TABLE, RIGHT?

AND SHE LOOKS AT HIM AND SAYS,"BOY, WHY YOU HAVE TO BE GAY?

CAN'T YOU JUST ( bleep )WOMEN UP ( bleep )?"

AND THE FUNNY THING ABOUT ITWAS THAT HE ACTUALLY STOPPED

TO THINK ABOUT IT, TOO,YOU KNOW, LIKE...

I COULDN'T BELIEVE HE CAME OUTTHE CLOSET AT THE REUNION

'CAUSE THAT'S NOT COMINGOUT THE CLOSET ANYMORE.

THAT'S COMING OUTTHE APARTMENT.

I LIKE LESBIANS.

THAT'S MY FANTASY--

TO BE ALONE WITH SOME LESBIANS.

THAT'LL NEVER HAPPEN.

THAT ONLY HAPPENIN THE PORNO FLICKS, RIGHT?

THAT'S EVERY MAN'S FANTASYTO BE LIKE

ALONE WITH, LIKE,FIVE BUTT-NAKED WOMEN.

THAT'S WHY PORNOS ARE DOINGSO WELL, MAN. IT'S FANTASY.

THEY JUST OPENEDA VIDEO SHOP ON MY CORNER--

JUST ADDED A PORNO SECTIONTO THE BACK

AND IT'S ALWAYS FUNNY,TOO, 'CAUSE GUYS

REALLY WANT TO GOIN THE PORNO SECTION

BUT THEY GOT TO STAND AROUNDTHE ACTION ADVENTURES, YOU KNOW.

YOU KNOW,TILL THE COAST IS CLEAR.

OH, ( bleep ) IT.

YOU KNOW,COME BACK WITH TAPES.

I WATCH THEM NOW AND THEN.

IF I GO TO THE SHOP,I GET TWO REGULAR MOVIES

AND ONE PORNO FLICK.

I ALWAYS GETTHE TWO REGULAR MOVIES

JUST SO THE CASHIERWON'T THINK I'M FULL PERVERT.

YOU DON'T WANT HER THINKING THAT

'CAUSE SHE'LL START TALKINGABOUT YOUR ASS, YOU KNOW.

"HERE HE COMES."

"NO, HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY?"

I SAW THIS ONE DUDE,LIKE, YOU KNOW

COME IN WITH, LIKE, FOUR TAPES.

RIGHT, HE RETURNED FOUR

AND THEN CHECKED OUTTHREE NEW ONES.

HE MUST HAVE BEENWHACKING OFF ALL WEEK.

HE HAD NO ENERGY.

HE CAN'T EVEN CARRY THE BOXES.COME WALKING...

"RING IT UP.

I'VE GOT THINGS TO DOAND PEOPLE TO SEE."

I GOT TO GO.

LISTEN, YOU GUYS HAVE BEENA WONDERFUL CROWD.

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