June 16, 2015 - Donald Trump 2016 & Soul Daddy on Mexico

  • 06/16/2015

Lewis Black, Ricky Velez and June Sarpong join Larry to discuss a controversial marijuana ruling in Colorado and Donald Trump's 2016 presidential candidacy.

>> THANK YOU, VERY MUCH.

WELCOME TO THE "NIGHTLY SHOW."

>> Audience: LARRY, LARRY!

Larry: SUCH A GOOD CROWD.

YOU CAN FEEL THE LOVE.

FEEL THE LOVE.

I'M LARRY WILMORE, YOU'REABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

[LAUGHING]>> Larry: THAT WOULD OF BEEN

HORRIBLE TO SAY "LARRY, LARRY,LARRY" AND I'M NOT LARRY.

AN EXCITING SHOW.

CAGE MASTER JON STEWART RAPPERBATTLE DELUXE.

NO ACTUALLY LEWIS BLACK ISJOINING US TONIGHT.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Larry: FIRST OFF I MADE A

JOKE EARLIER.

I WANT TO CONGRATULATE THECHICAGO BLACK HAWKS FOR WINNING

THE STANLEY CUP.

YOU DID IT. GOOD JOB, CHICAGO.

YOU GUYS ARE LIKE, REALLY,LARRY, A BROTHER'S INTO HOCKEY?

STOP BEING RACIST, YOU GUYS.

BLACK PEOPLE LIKE HOCKEY.

WE DO.

IN FACT HERE IS SOMEONE WHORECENTLY IDENTIFIED RECENTLY AS

A BLACKHAWK FAN.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Larry: NOT MAKING THAT UP.

SHE IS ACTUALLY A WHITEHAWK FANBUT -- ALRIGHT.

TURNING NOW TO THE TOP STORIES.

MAN, SO MANY CANDIDATES ARETHROWING THEIR HATS INTO THE

RING.

THE RING IS SATURATED WITH HATS.

TOO MANY HATS IS WHAT I'M SAYINGHERE.

THE POINT IS IT'S TIME TO CHECKIN ON THE UNBLACKENING.

>> Larry: OH, WHAT'S THIS.

OH, A PRESENT.

FOR ME.

LET'S SEE.

TO LARRY FROM THE COMEDY GODS.

COMEDY GODS.

WHAT, WHAT COULD IT BE.

WHY DID THEY GET ME A GIFT THEYDON'T HAVE TO --

>> I AM OFFICIALLY RUNNING FORPRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

[ APPLAUSE ][CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Larry: THANK YOU, THANK YOU,THANK YOU.

>> Larry: YES, MY GOD.

HOW DID YOU KNOW, COMEDY GODS?

I HAVE A SHOW AND TRUMP'SRUNNING FOR PRESIDENT-- GOOD

NEWS FOR ME. HORRIBLE NEWS FORTHE WRITERS.

BECAUSE ALL OF THE JOKES AREOFFICIALLY WRITING THEMSELVES.

TAKE IT UP WITH THE GUILD[BEEP].

OKAY.

ALRIGHT.

OKAY.

LET'S START ON OUR DELICIOUSBUFFET OF TRUMP SOUND BITES.

>> WHEN DO WE BEAT MEXICO?

AT THE BORDER.

THEY'RE LAUGHING AT US, OURSTUPIDITY.

WHEN MEXICO SEND THEIR PEOPLETHEY'RE NOT SENDING THEIR BEST.

THEY ARE SENDING PEOPLE WITHLOTS OF PROBLEMS.

THEY BRING DRUGS.

THEY BRING CRIMES.

THEY'RE RAPISTS.

>> Larry: OH. IT'S ALL TOOPERFECT

>> Larry: MEXICO SENDS RAPISTSPACKED WITH DRUGS

THAT'S WHO COMES TOAMERICA.

GUY IS TRYING TO MAKE A LIVINGIN THE RAPE GAME. TRYING TO

SCRAPE UP ENOUGH RAPE MONEYTO SEND BACK HOME TO THE FAMILY.

PLEASE, PLEASE, GO ON.

>> ISLAMIC TERRORISM IS EATINGUP LARGE PORTIONS OF THE MIDDLE

EAST.

THEY HAVE BECOME RICH.

I'M IN COMPETITION WITH THEM.

THEY JUST BUILT A HOTEL INSYRIA.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?

THEY BUILT A HOTEL.

WHEN I HAVE TO BUILD A HOTEL IHAVE TO PAY INTEREST.

THEY DON'T HAVE TO PAY INTEREST.

>> Larry: HUH-UH, OKAY.

SO, SO, THE REAL THREAT FROMISIS IS THEIR ENTRY INTO THE

HOSPITALITY INDUSTRY.

HUH-UH, HUH-UH.

AND THE VICTIM WHO SUFFER THEMOST AT THE HAND OF ISIS, DONALD

TRUMP.

CONTINUE.

>> I WOULD BUILD A GREAT WALL.

NOBODY BUILDS WALLS BETTER THANME, BELIEVE ME.

I WILL BUILD THEM VERYINEXPENSIVELY.

I WILL BUILD A GREAT, GREAT WALLON OUR SOUTHERN BORDER.

I WILL HAVE MEXICO PAY FOR THATWALL.

MARK MY WORDS.

>> Larry: OKAY FIRST ORDER OFBUSINESS YOU BUILD WALLS BETTER

THAN ANYBODY.

SO [BEEP] GREAT WALL OF CHINA.

OKAY.

AND --[LAUGHING]

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Larry: AND, AND YOU'RE GOING

TO INEXPENSIVELY BUILD A WALL TOKEEP OUT MEXICANS AND THEN HAVE

THEM PAY FOR YOUR LOW COSTRACIST WALL.

THAT'S PRETTY [BEEP] AMAZING.

>> OUR ENEMIES ARE GETTINGSTRONGER AND STRONGER BY THE

DAY.

AND WE AS A COUNTRY ARE GETTINGWEAKER.

EVEN OUR NUCLEAR ARSENAL DOESN'TWORK.

[LAUGHING]>> Larry: OUR NUKES DON'T WORK?

KIND OF SUCKS TO FIND OUT THISWAY, RIGHT.

[LAUGHING]>> Larry: I DON'T HAVE TIME TO

SHOW YOU EVERYTHING HE SAID.

DONALD TRUMP IS THINKING ABOUTUS.

>> I WILL TELL YOU THIS.

I HAVE LOBBYISTS THAT PRODUCEANYTHING FOR ME.

I KNOW THE SMARTEST NEGOTIATORSI DON'T NEED ANYBODY'S MONEY.

I AM USING MY OWN MONEY.

I MADE ALL THE RIGHTPREDICTIONS ABOUT IRAQ.

HAVE WEB SITES ALL OVER THEPLACE.

I THINK I'M ACTUALLY A VERY NICEPERSON.

I'M PROUD OF MY NET WORTH, I'VEDONE AN AMAZING JOB.

I DON'T HAVE TO BRAG, I'M REALLYRICH.

>> Larry: I AM SPARTACUS. I'MTHE ONE WHO KNOCKS.

I'M SO SICK AND TIRED OF THIS[BEEP] GUY.

DONALD TRUMP SHOW ME YOUR BIRTHCERTIFICATE.

THEN I WILL TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY.

THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID TO THEBLACK MAN.

WHO ELSE HAS ANNOUNCED RECENTLY?

>> I'M A CANDIDATE FOR THEPRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

OF AMERICA.

WE WILL TAKE THE POWER OF CHOICEAWAY FROM THE UNIONS AND

BUREAUCRATS.

>> Larry: WOW.

NON IRONIC U.S.A. CHANT.

DID YOU IT JEB. CANDIDATEACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED

ANY OTHER RED MEAT THROWN OUT TOTHE CROWD.

>> SECRETARY CLINTON INSISTSWHEN THE PROGRESSIVE AGENDA

ENCOUNTERS RELIGIOUS BELIEFS TOTHE CONTRARY THOSE BELIEFS "HAVE

TO BE CHANGED."

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

[LAUGHING]>> Larry: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

JEB, DON'T YOU KNOW HOW THAT'SWHAT SHE SAID WORKS.

YOU BLEW IT.

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

[ APPLAUSE ]SEE THAT'S HOW DO YOU IT.

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

DAMN IT.

I GET IT THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.

HE SAYS IT SOMETIMES TOO.

ALRIGHT TRY IT AGAIN, JEB.

THIS TIME TAKE YOUR TIME ANDYES, THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

>> THIS IS A PLACE THAT WELCOMESEVERYONE.

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

LEADERS HAVE TO THINK BIG.

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

IF WE DO ALL OF THIS, IF WE DOIT RELENTLESSLY.

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

IT BEGINS HERE AND NOW.

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

>> OH, WELL.

I DID NOT KNOW SHE IS BILINGUAL.

I HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION TOMULTIPLE LANGUAGES NOW IF THAT'S

IN FACTS WHAT SHE SAID.

>> OKAY.

NOW AGAIN WE DON'T HAVE TIME TOSHOW YOU THE ENTIRE

ANNOUNCEMENT.

MAYBE WE CAN CRYSTALLIZE THEJEB PLATFORM.

>> ENTITLEMENT SYSTEM ISUNSUSTAINABLE.

ENTITLEMENT.

ENTITLEMENT.

NO WAY WE WILL GET OUT FROM OURENTITLEMENT MESS.

>> Larry: ENTITLEMENTS ARE AMESS.

YES.

FINALLY SOMEONE STANDING UPAGAINST ENTITLEMENTS.

>> IN THIS COUNTRY OF OURS THEMOST IMPROBABLE CAN HAPPEN AS

WELL.

TAKE THAT FROM A GUY WHO MET HISFIRST PRESIDENT ON THE DAY HE

WAS BORN.

AND HIS SECOND ON THE DAY HE WASBROUGHT HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL.

>> Larry: SO RELATABLE THERE.

RIGHT.

I FEEL LIKE, MAN.

, I FEEL LIKE WE'RE HOMEYS ANDYOU KNOW ME.

SO MANY OF US DON'T MEET OURFIRST PRESIDENT UNTIL NEVER.

JEB, WE KNOW YOU'RE LIKELYTO BE THE NOMINEE HERE.

WE KNOW TRUMP IS A CLOWN.

ONE THING ABOUT THE DONALD HEKEEPS IT A HUNDRED.

HE DOESN'T ACT LIKE HE'S NOTENTITLED

DON'T PRETEND LIKE WE DON'T KNOWWHO YOU ARE. JUST OWN IT

YOUR FAMILY OWNS A LOT OF[BEEP], MAN.

YOUR LAST NAME DOESN'T HAVE TOBE EXCLAMATION POINT.

IT CAN BE BUSH.

WHAT DO YOU THINK.

>> I WILL TAKE NOTHING AND NOONE FOR GRANTED.

IT'S NOBODY'S TURN.

IT'S EVERYONE'S TEST AND IT'SWIDE OPEN.

>> Larry: IT'S WIDE OPEN.

>> THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

Larry: YES.

YES.

WELL DONE, SIR.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK.

THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Larry: WELCOME BACK.

BIG GAY ANNOUNCEMENT FROM OURNEIGHBOR TO THE SOUTH.

>> MEXICO'S SUPREME COURT HASRULED IT'S UNCONSTITUTIONAL FOR

MEXICAN STATES TO BAR SAME-SEXMARRIAGES.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]♪

>> Larry: YA, MAN.

OKAY.

STOP THAT.

[LAUGHING]MEXICO LEGALIZED GAY MARRIAGE.

YOU KNOW, LET ME JUST SAY,THAT'S AMAZING.

EXACTLY MAN.

PEOPLE HAVE SAIDMEXICAN BUT

I ALWAYS BELIEVED MEX-I-COULD.

WAY TO GO, MEXICO, THIS IS HUGE.

>> THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

Larry: NO, YOU HAD YOURCHANCE.

CHANCE IS OVER.

YOU KNOW YOU GUYS I ALWAYSBELIEVED IN MEXICO.

I SAID THEY WERE PROGRESSIVE WAYBEFORE PEOPLE USED THE WORD

PROGRESSIVE IT'S TRUE.

IT'S FUNNY I HAD A CABLE SHOWBACK IN THE 70s.

I DON'T KNOW IF I TOLD YOU ABOUTIT.

I REMEMBER TALKING ABOUT MEXICOAND PREDICTING ALL KINDS OF

STUFF.

IT CAME TRUE.

I DON'T REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT ISAID.

I THINK WE HAVE A TAPE OF ITTAKE A LOOK.

♪♪

>> THIS WEEK I THREW MY ANNUALSWAP MEET AND HOT TUB PARTY

THIS.

YOUNG CAT, JOHN TRAVOLTA STOPPEDBY.

HE WAS DIG I MY MASSIVE 19-INCH[BEEP] DON'T GO THERE.

NO MY HIGH QUALITY ZENITHTELEVISION.

HE SAID, WHERE YOU GET THATFROM.

I SAID SLOW DOWN [BEEP].

LET ME TELL YOU WHERE IT'S FROM.

GET IT ALL IN.

THAT'S RIGHT.

I TOLD HIM THIS AIN'T FROMCHINA.

IT'S FROM MEXICO.

ALL OF THE BEST ELECTRONICS.

ALL THE BEST ELECTONICS GONNA BEMADE IN MEXICO FROM NOW ON.

CHINA IS DONE.

THAT BRINGS US TO TODAY'S TOPICMEXICO.

WHY ARE THEY BEATING US INEVERYTHING.

CINCO DE MAYO WAS ORIGINALLY INAUGUST.

AUGUST IS TOO [BEEP] HOT TOCELEBRATE ANYTHING, RIGHT.

ONE YEAR IT WAS MAY 5th ANDTHEY SAID HEY [BEEP] LET'S START

DRINKING NOW.

BOOM CINCO DE MAYO.

OH, I WANT TO [BEEP] THIS PLATEOF CHIPS RIGHT NOW.

THAT'S SOME GOOD [BEEP].

THAT'S WHY MEXICO IS TAKINGOVER.

EVERYONE IS PLAYING SOCCER BY1988.

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL.

MONDAY NIGHT SOCCER.

BASKETBALL IS ALMOST DONE NOW.

IT WILL TAKE MAGIC TO REVIVETHAT [BEEP].

I DON'T THINK THAT'S IT, RIGHT.

SPANISH PEOPLE ARE NOT OFFENSIVETO WHITE PEOPLE.

THEY FEEL IT'S EXOTIC WHITE ORSOMETHING RIGHT.

YOU KNOW THEY'RE JUST[BLEEP] WITH STRAIGHT HAIR,

RIGHT. WE KNOW THAT'S THE DEAL.

MEXICANS CAN DO IT, MAN.EVERYONE'S AFRAID OF THEM

[BEEP]OH, I TELL YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT IS GOOD.

SPANISH FLY.

YOU EVER TRY THAT, MAN?

YOU EVER HEAR ABOUT THAT.

YOU PUT THE THING IN THE DRINKAND THE GIRL IS BAM, OUT.

15 YEARS EVERYBODY -- THAT'SFROM MEXICO.

IT'S NOT SPANISH.

YOU KNOW WHO TURNED ME ONTOTHAT?

BILL COSBY.

[BEEP]MAN, HE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT

KNOCKING BITCHES OUT.

>> Larry: ALRIGHT.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Larry: WELCOME BACK.

I'M HERE WITH MY PANEL.

VARIETY NAMED US ONE OF THE10 COMICS TO WATCH IN 2015.

RICKY VELEZ.

AND WE HAVE THE COHOST OF LOOSEWOMEN, JUNE SARPONG.

HIS NEW MOVIE INSIDE OUT OPENSFRIDAY

ALWAYS HILARIOUS COMEDIAN LEWISBLACK.

WE DIDN'T TALK ABOUT THISEARLIER.

I SAW THIS THIS WEEKEND.

I HAD TO BRING UP.

THE COLORADO SUPREME COURT RULEDTHAT BUSINESSES CAN FIRE

EMPLOYEES FOR THE USE OF MEDICALMARIJUANA.

OKAY.

EVEN IF IT'S OFF DUTY.

NOT TALKING ABOUT SMOKING IN THEBATHROOM, RIGHT.

THE CASE IS A QUADRAPLEGIC WHOWAS FIRED FROM DISH NETWORK

FOR FAILING A DRUG TEST

>> AS IF THINGS WERE NOT [BEEP]BAD ENOUGH.

>> Larry: IS IT FARE TO FIRESOMEONE FOR WHAT THEY DO ON

THEIR OWN TIME.

>> IT DEPENDS ON THE JOB.

THIS GUY WAS CUSTOMER SERVICE.

IF YOU HAVE TO FLY A PLANE ORWORK, DRIVE A BUS.

YA, DON'T -- BE IN SHAPE FORWORK.

I MEAN, YOU WORK AT STAPLES GETHIGH.

[LAUGHING]>> IT SUCKS.

SMOKE CRACK.

>> Larry: I DON'T KNOW ABOUTCRACK.

>> I THINK IT'S KIND OF UNFAIR.

YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS.

AT THE END OF THE DAY IF HE WASDRINKING ALCOHOL THEY WOULDN'T

FIRE HIM.

IT'S LEGAL IN COLORADO.

YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS.

>> Larry: RIGHT.

>> I THINK IT'S BANG OUT OFORDER

Larry: BANG OUT OF ORDER

I LIKE THAT.

>> THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

Larry: DOES THIS SEEM LIKE AVIOLATION OF RIGHTS,

LEWIS?

>> IT JUST SEEMS STUPID AS A LOTOF THINGS WE DO.

SON OF A BITCH WE ALLOW PEOPLETO POP KLONOPIN AND GO TO WORK.

COME ON.

>> Larry: SPEAKING OF [BEEP]HERE IN AMERICA.

DONALD TRUMP IS RUNNING.

FIRST THOUGHTS.

>> MY FIRST THOUGHT.

Larry: YES.

>> IF SOMEONE WERE TO HOLD ASWORD I'D RUN AT IT.

[LAUGHING][LAUGHING]

>> Larry: WHAT IS THE OPINIONOVER SEAS WHEN THEY SEE SOMEONE

LIKE DONALD TRUMP RUN FORPRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

>> DONALD, YOU'RE FIRED.

THAT'S THE OPINION.

DUDE, NO.

>> I DISAGREE.

I DON'T KNOW.

I LOVE HIM.

>> YOU'RE A TRUMP FAN.

>> HE WON MY VOTE TODAY.

HE CAME OUT TALKING LIKE FLOYDMAYWEATHER.

IT WAS AMAZING.

>> Larry: READY FOR THE FIGHT.

>> I'M REALLY RICH.

FLOYD SAID THAT BEFORE HISFIGHT.

>> Larry: HE DID.

>> HE WAS TALKING LIKE A RAPPER.

I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO DROP AMIXED TAPE.

[LAUGHING]>> IT'S AMAZING.

Larry: THERE IS NO WAY TRUMPCAN BACK ANYTHING HE SAID.

>> WHEN DID WE BEAT JAPAN?

AT ANYTHING?

>> SECOND WORLD WAR.

HELLO.

>> LITTLE LEAGUE WORLD SERIES.

YOU KNOW -- JUST -- JUST.

YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY THE PROBLEMIS HERE, WE HAVE REACHED THE

POINT IN TIME THAT SATIRE ANDREALITY HAVE INTERSECTED.

IT'S THE SAME THING.

IT'S LIKE YOU SAID AT THEBEGINNING OF THE SHOW.

HOW DO WE MAKE THIS [BEEP]FUNNIER THAN IT IS.

>> Larry: IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS REPEAT ITBACK THIS.

IS WHAT HE SAID ABOUT IRAN.

>> I WILL STOP IRAN FROM GETTINGNUCLEAR WEAPONS.

WE WON'T BE USING A MAN LIKESECRETARY KERRY WHO IS MAKING A

HORRIBLE AND LAUGHABLE DEAL.

THEN GO INTO A BICYCLE RACE AT72 YEARS OLD AND FALLS AND

BREAKS HIS LEG.

I WON'T BE DOING THAT.

I PROMISE, I WON'T BE IN ABICYCLE RACE.

>> WE DON'T WANT TO SEE HIM --Larry: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN.

HE'S RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.

>> I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HIM INSPANDEX.

>> Larry: IT'S NOT EVEN MAKINGSENSE.

>> WHAT'S AMAZING IS HE DIDN'TSMOKE.

>> WELL, HE PROBABLY DID.

>> I DOUBT IT.

>> ALL OF THOSE RICH OLD GUYSARE ON EVERYTHING.

>> REALLY.

>> COME ON.

>> THAT'S A SOBER THOUGHT.

>> OF COURSE IT'S A SOBERTHOUGHT.

LOOK AT HIS HAIR.

[LAUGHING]>> Larry: ALL THE HAIR IS COMING

UP -- I THINK THE HAIR IS COMINGUP AND SLOWLY DRAINING THE

BLOOD.

>> THE SIGN FOR HIS CAMPAIGN ISJUST HIS HAIR.

>> IT'S JUST WRONG.

Larry: CHINA.

>> HEY, I'M NOT SAYING THEY'RESTUPID.

I LIKE CHINA. I SOLD ANAPARTMENT FOR $15 MILLION TO

SOMEBODY FROM CHINA.

AM I SUPPOSE TO DISLIKE THEM?

>> Larry: THEY'RE GOING TODISLIKE YOU NOW.

>> ALONG WITH THE REST OFAMERICA.

>> THERE IS A TREMENDOUS STARTTO A FOREIGN POLICY IDEA.

>> Larry: RIGHT.

>> YOU ALWAYS WANT TO START WHATYOU GOT PAID TO SELL AN

APARTMENT.

YOU KNOW LOGICAL STUFF.

>> OF COURSE.

>> LIKE EVERYTHING THERE.

arry: JUST MAKE IT MAKESENSE FIRST, PLEASE.

LEWIS.

>> THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.DONALD TRUMP IS STANDING ON

THE VERREZZANNO BRIDGE BEINGDEDICATED AND OFF

TO THE LEFT IS THE GUY WHO BUILTTHE BRIDGE, THE ARCHITECT.

DONALD TRUMP SAW NOBODY PAIDATTENTION TO THE MAN WHO BUILT

THE BRIDGE.

HE SAID TO HIMSELF AT THAT POINTIN TIME I'M NOT GOING TO BE A

SUCKER.

LIKE THAT GUY WAS.

HE IS LITERALLY DECLARING TO THEPRESS THIS IS THE MOMENT WHEN I

DECIDED I'M GOING TO BE ANASSHOLE.

>> Larry: ASSHOLE OF THE WORLD.

THANK YOU FOR BREAKING THATDOWN.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> IF YOU'RE IN NEW YORK CITYCOME SEE THE SHOW.

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