TripTank
Season 1

Ahhh, Serenity

  • Season 1, Ep 5
  • 04/30/2014

A spokesman hawks a device that allows women to pee silently, a trucker has a life-changing experience while on mushrooms, and Billy meets the D**k Genie.

[truck horn blares]

- WELL, IT WAS A NIGHTLIKE ANY OTHER,

EXCEPT I HAD JUSTTAKEN MUSHROOMS

FOR THE FIRST TIME,

AND I WAS TRIPPIN'MY GODDAMN BALLS OFF.

OHH...

- COME IN, WALLY.WHAT'S YOUR 20, GOOD BUDDY?

- YEAH, I'M TRAVELING DOWNHIGHWAY 60.

I DON'T WANT TO SPEAK TOO SOON,BUT I'M THINKING

I MADE IT OUTOF GREMLIN TERRITORY.

- [snarls]- [screams]

NO!

YOU SCARY LITTLE SON OF A BITCH.

AND AS I SAT THERE,

GAZING INTOMY BEADY LITTLE EYES,

WHAT I REALIZED WAS THATI WAS ABOUT TO DISCOVER

THE MEANING OF LIFE.

MOONBEAMS.

LOOK AT THEM SILLY GUMDROPS.

- ALOHA, WALLY.

- GIVE PAPA A LITTLE PEEK.

- MMM, OH, WALLY.

- IT WAS SHAPING UPTO BE QUITE THE NIGHT,

BUT THE NEXT THING I KNEW...

[police siren wailing]

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

OH, GOD DANGIT!

OH, OH, OH, OH!

OH, MY GOD,WHAT'S GOING ON?

GET OUT OF THE WAY!

WELL, MOVE YOUR WHEELCHAIR!

OH, MY GOD, A STROLLER.

NO!

[screaming]

OH, SON OF A BITCH.

- PERCENT OFF TODAY ON ALL--OH, MY GOD!

[voice distorting]OH, MY GOD!

[explosion booms]

[truck horn blares]

[emergency sirens wailing]

- AND THAT, MY FRIEND,

WAS THE LAST TIMEI EVER DID TRY MUSHROOMS.

I CAN'T SAY I REGRET IT THOUGH.

I MEAN, I BELIEVEIT IS IMPORTANT

TO BROADEN YOUR HORIZONS.

HOW ELSE WOULD I HAVE LEARNEDTO LIVE AMONGST THE GRIZZLIES?

WOULD YOU PASS THE POTATOES,DARLIN'?

- [roars]

- OH, BUT THAT'S A STORYFOR ANOTHER NIGHT.

AU REVOIR, [bleep].

- HEY, WOMEN.HAVE YOU EVER HAD THIS PROBLEM?

[urine splashing loudly]

AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT

SECRETLY BEING FILMEDWHILE PEEING.

YOU SEE, AS MEN,WE HAVE THE OPTION

TO EITHER PEE INTO THE WATER,CAUSING HORRIBLE NOISE,

OR JUST SIMPLYPEE ON THE PORCELAIN,

WHICH IS JUST--OH, MY GOD,

IT'S SERENITY.

YOU MAY THINK, WELL,IT'S INEVITABLE, THE SOUNDS.

WELL, YOU'RE WRONG, HONEY,AND I KNOW.

I'M A FEMINIST.[chuckles]

NO MORE OFTHESE SMALL HOUSE PARTIES

WHERE YOU JUST HAVE TO GOTO THE BATHROOM

AND YOU KNOW EVERYONEIS LISTENING

TO YOUR LITTLE DROPLETS.

NO MORE COLLEAGUESMAKING SNIDE REMARKS

AT YOUR EXPENSE.

[toilet flushing]

- HEY, MARY,DID YOU HAVE A HORSE

THERE IN WITH YOU?

- W-WHAT?- SURE SOUNDED LIKE IT.

NOW HIGH-FIVE ME.

- NO.

- WHAT YOU WAITING FOR?

- [sighs]- YEAH.

- NO MORE OFTHESE BLACKMAIL SITUATIONS.

- [raspily] HEY,I GOT A RECORDING OF YOU PEEING.

- OH, MY GOD,JUST TAKE MY SON.

- THE PEE SLIDE IS BASICALLYA SILLY STRAW FOR YOUR PEE.

SO YOU JUST PUT ITIN THE TOILET

AND GO TO TOWN.

WACKY TOWN.

DON'T TAKE MY WORD FOR IT.IT'S MINE.

- I BOUGHT THIS FOR MY GIRLON V-DAY.

SHE LOVES IT.IT'S HER FAVORITE HOBBY NOW.

- AND CLEANING ITCAN'T BE SIMPLER.

JUST USE A TOOTHBRUSHAND SCRUB FOR A LONG TIME.

PURCHASE NOWAND YOU WILL ALSO RECEIVE

THIS GREAT FASHIONABLECARRYING BAG

SO YOU CAN TAKE YOUR PEE SLIDEANYWHERE YOU GO.

CAMPING,YOUR OWN WEDDING--

IT'S OKAY.HE'S COOL WITH IT.

ALL OF THAT GREAT VALUE FOR--HOW MUCH WOULD YOU SAY?

600 BUCKS?NO.

'CAUSE IT'S ACTUALLY $650INCLUDING SHIPPING AND HANDLING.

[smooching]

- WE HAVE TO BE QUICK.

MY WIFE'S GOINGTO BE HOME FROM WORK SOON.

- WELL THEN, LET ME SLIPINTO SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE.

[suspenseful music]

- HOLY SHIT!

FREDDY KRUEGER?

PLEASE DON'T KILL ME.

- OH, I'M NOT HERETO KILL YOU, BILL.

I'M HERE TO GET YOU OFF.

[sexy pop music][zipper opening]

- OH, NO.

YES.

OH...[groans]

[screaming]

- OH, GROSS,YOU HAD A WET DREAM?

- IT WASN'T A WET DREAM.

IT WAS A WET NIGHTMARE.

FREDDY KRUEGERWAS GOING DOWN ON ME.

- ICK.WHATEVER, HONEY. EW.

GO BACK TO SLEEP.

[dreamy harp music]

- OH, YEAH, TWO CHICKSON THE BEACH IN HAWAII,

MY HOTTEST FANTASY.

- WHY DON'T YOU WAIT HEREWHILE WE OIL OURSELVES UP

BEHIND THESE PALM TREES?

[thunder crashes]

- OH, SHIT!

IT'S FREDDY AGAIN.

- ACTUALLY,IT'S YOUR HOTTEST FANTASY,

TWO FREDDIESON THE BEACH IN HAWAII.

[sexy pop music][zipper opening]

- [groaning]

[screams]

- EW, TWO WET DREAMSIN ONE NIGHT?

- WET NIGHTMARES.

OH, GOD, PLEASE, SARAH.

DON'T LET ME GO BACK TO SLEEP.

FREDDY'S GONNAORGASM ME TO DEATH.

- OKAY,AND WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?

- YOU'VE SEEN HIS MOVIES.

HE LIKES TO GET CREATIVEWHEN HE KILLS PEOPLE,

WHICH HE IS TRYING TO DOTO ME WITH HIS MOUTH.

- WELL, YOU CAN NEVER GET IT UPTWICE FOR ME,

SO I'M TAKING THIS AS AN INSULT.

[solemn suspenseful music]

[sad music]

- [coughs]

NURSE,WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DIE?

- I DON'T KNOW,

BUT YOU'LL FIND OUTVERY SOON, BILLY.

NOW, GET SOME REST.

YOU DON'T WANT TO BE TIREDFOR HEAVEN.

- BUT I ALWAYS WISHEDI COULD GO TO PARIS

AND SEE THE EIFFEL TOWER.

NURSE?

OH.

- DID SOMEBODY SAY,"THE EIFFEL TOWER?"

- [gasps]GARY THE WHEELCHAIR?

- HOP ON!

LET'S GO SEE THE WORLD.

WHEE!

- WHOA!

WOW, THE EIFFEL TOWER.

OH, GARY, CAN WE SIT ONTHE VERY TOP OF THE TOWER?

- SURE.

OH, HEY, WHAT'S THAT?

OH, NO, YOU DON'T NEEDALCOHOL ANYMORE, GARY,

AND THAT'S WHY YOU'REA WHEELCHAIR NOW, REMEMBER?

[dreamy harp music]

I'M OKAY TO DRIVE.

OOH, ONE MORE WON'T HURT.

HUH?[tires squealing]

[truck crashing]- [screams]

MY LEGS![crying]

WHAT HAVE I DONE?

[dreamy harp music]

- GARY?

- UH--OH, NO.

NO, I GOT TO STAY STRONG.

- GARY, IT'S HOT UP HERE.

I'M THIRSTY.

- YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.SCREW IT.

HOLD ON, KID.

WHEE!

[club music]

BEEP, BEEP, COMING THROUGH.- WHOA!

- HEY, TOOTS, NEED A SEAT?

- [groaning]GARY?

- [coughing]

HEY, DADDY BOY,WANT A LAP DANCE?

[coughing]

- OKAY,BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DANCE.

- WHEE, HOLD ON, BILLY!

COMING THROUGH.LOOK OUT.

HI, GIRLS.

YEAH, GIRL.

I WISH I COULD THANK YOUR DADDYFOR MESSING YOU UP SO GOOD.

SHAKE THAT.MMM.

- NO, NO, NO, NO.

GET AWAY FROM ME.

- GARY, CAN WE GOTO THE TOWER NOW?

- OKAY, JUST ONE MORE DRINK.

- [coughs]

YOU READY FOR YOUR LAP DANCE?

- ALMOST GOT IT.

- [straining for breath]

- [gasps]YOU KILLED HER, GARY!

- UH, QUICK, KID,GRAB THIS BOTTLE

AND POUR THE BUBBLY DOWNGARY'S THROAT.

- BUT--- JUST DO IT!

SHOW ME HOW STRONGTHOSE LITTLE FINGERTIPS ARE.

[champagne bubbling]

- [burps]

[flies buzzing]

- GARY, WHAT HAPPENSWHEN YOU DIE?

- THAT DEPENDS ONYOUR RELIGIOUS BELIEFS,

BUT STRIPPERS PREFERTO BE SHOVED UNDER A COUCH.

[grunting]

[sighs]

NOW, LET'S GET YOU HOME.

WHEE!

[snores]

- GARY, LOOK OUT!

- UH, WHEE!

- I'M ALL ITCHY, GARY.

- OH, THOSE ARE CALLED CRABS,KIDDO,

OR AS I LIKE TO CALL THEM,STRIPPER FLEAS.

- BILLY WATSON,YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR MURDER.

WE FOUND YOUR FINGERPRINTSALL OVER THE MURDER WEAPON.

- BILLY, HOW COULD YOU?

- BUT IT WASN'T ME!

TELL THEM, GARY.

- UM, I BLACKED OUT.

SORRY,I DON'T REMEMBER A THING.

SEE, BILLY,

AND THAT'S THE DANGERSOF DRINKING ALCOHOL.

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.

WHEE!

- OH, NO, ANOTHER HOT FANTASY,

TRAPPED ON THE INTERNATIONALSPACE STATION WITH NOWHERE TO GO

AND THREE HOTSPACE STEWARDESSES.

- CAPTAIN, US GIRLS ARE GOINGTO GO INTO THE SLEEP CHAMBER

AND CHANGE INTO SOMETHINGMORE COMFORTABLE.

- NO, I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!

YOU'RE ALL GONNA TURNINTO FREDDY KRUEGERS

AND BLOW ME TO DEATH.

- WE'RE BACK, CAPTAIN,

AND WE'RE WAY MORE COMFORTABLE.

- COMFORTABLE FOR SEX.

- YOU'RE STILLHOT SPACE STEWARDESSES?

NOT FREDDIES?

OH, YEAH!

TIME FOR AN EXTRATERRESTRIALMENAGE A TROIS.

[sexy pop music]

- OOH.

OH, YEAH.

CAPTAIN, WHY AREN'TWE TURNING YOU ON?

AREN'T WE SEXY ENOUGH?

- UM, YEAH.

LOOK,YOU ARE ALL TOTALLY SO SEXY,

BUT WOULD YOU MIND MAYBE WEARINGSTRIPED SHIRTS AND FEDORAS?

MAYBE SOME KNIFE HANDS,YOU KNOW, JUST FOR FUN.

[screams]

- IT'S OKAY, BILL.

YOU WERE JUST HAVINGA NIGHTMARE.

- NOT ANYMORE I'M NOT, FREDDY.

- COME HERE, YOU.

[sexy pop music]

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