Katt Williams: Live

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 12/11/2006

Katt Williams psyches the crowd up during this hour-long special as he tackles topics ranging from how one becomes a hater to men who embarrass his entire race. He also touches on raising kids, explains how to be happy with your life and outlines the rules of pimping. Williams lives up to his reputation as one of the most energetic, unpredictable comics in the game.

BAD.

YOU GOT TO BE HAPPY WITH HOWEVER

YOUR LIFE IS, RIGHT NOW.

THAT DON'T MEAN YOU DON'T WANNA

DO BETTER, BUT YOU GOTTA BE

HAPPY WITH WHATEVER YOU GOT

RIGHT NOW.

IF YOU GOT A RAGGEDY CAR, STOP

TALKING SHIT ABOUT YOUR RAGGEDY

CAR.

THAT'S YOUR RAGGEDY CAR.

YOU NEED TO GO HOME AND WASH THE

SHIT OUT THAT MOTHERFUCKER.

PUT ARMOR ALL AND EVERYTHING ON

IT.

THAT WAY, WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE TO

HAVE THAT RAGGEDY CAR

CONVERSATION.

NOW WE ALL KNOW THE RAGGEDY CAR

CONVERSATION.

SOME OF Y'ALL CAN'T LAUGH RIGHT

NOW, 'CAUSE YOU MIGHT HAVE TO

USE IT LATER.

BUT WE ALL KNOW THE RAGGEDY CAR

CONVERSATION.

YOU LEAVE THE CLUB, YOU JUST...

[HEAVY EXHALING]

[LAUGHING]

"I DON'T NEED NO BULLSHIT.

I DON'T NEED NO BULLSHIT."

YOU FUCK AROUND AND CRANK THAT

MOTHERFUCKER AND HEAR...

[IMITATING CAR TRYING TO START]

YOU GOTTA ACT LIKE YOU AIN'T

READY TO LEAVE THE CLUB.

"WHAT Y'ALL NIGGAS DOIN'?

WHAT Y'ALL DOIN'?

I'MA HANG OUT FOR A MINUTE.

SEE WHAT'S GOIN' ON."

[LAUGHTER]

JUST GOTTA BE HAPPY WITH

WHATEVER YOU GOT.

THAT WAY YOU DON'T ACCIDENTALLY

END UP BECOMING NO HATER.

YOU MAD 'CAUSE YOU GOT A RAGGEDY

CAR, NOW WHEN YOU PULL UP AT

THE STOP LIGHT, YOU GOTTA LOOK

AT THE NIGGA IN THE ESCALADE

LIKE HE MADE A FUCKED UP

DECISION.

YOU JUST IN THE CAR, JUST...

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S BULLSHIT.

YOU GOTTA BE HAPPY WITH

WHATEVER YOU GOT IN YOUR LIFE.

LET ME GIVE YOU PERFECT EXAMPLE:

MARRIED PEOPLE, MAKE SOME NOISE.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]

NOW DID YOU HEAR HOW DEPRESSING

THAT SHIT SOUNDED?

WHO WOULD EVER WANNA BE MARRIED

WITH YOU MOTHERFUCKERS CLAPPING

LIKE THAT?

LET'S TRY IT AGAIN.

MARRIED PEOPLE, MAKE SOME NOISE.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

YES...

I DON'T CARE HOW FUCKED UP YOUR

MARRIAGE IS...

IF YOU DONE FOUND A MOTHERFUCKER

TO WALK WITH YOU, DAY IN AND

DAY OUT, THAT IS SOME BEAUTIFUL

SHIT.

YOU GOT TO BE HAPPY ABOUT THAT.

>> YOU SEE, I DON'T KNOW

HOW YOU RAISE YOUR KIDS.

WE ALL RAISE OUR KIDS DIFFERENT.

AND I KNOW A LOT OF COMICS

MESS WITH WHITE PEOPLE,

AND TELL WHITE PEOPLE

THEY NEED TO BEAT THEIR KIDS.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

IT AIN'T THAT,

IT AIN'T LIKE NIGGAS

GOT IT ALL DOWN PAT

WHEN IT COME TO RAISING KIDS,

WE ALL GOT PROBLEMS.

WE JUST GOT DIFFERENT PROBLEMS.

IT WOULD SEEM LIKE WHITE PEOPLE

ARE A LITTLE BIT TOO LENIENT

ON THEIR CHILDREN,

AND NIGGAS ARE A BIT TOO HARSH

ON OURS.

ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT

THE WHITE FAMILY'S HOUSE,

YOU CAN GET TIME OUT

FOR SETTING THE FAMILY DOG

ON FIRE.

[LAUGHTER]

AT THE NIGGA HOUSEHOLD,

YOU CAN GET BEAT HALF TO DEATH

FOR FORGETTING TO FEED

THE FAMILY DOG.

NOW THAT'S THE SAME GODDAMN DOG.

[LAUGHTER]

WE JUST DO SHIT DIFFERENTLY,

BUT WHITE PEOPLE, PLEASE TAKE

THIS BACK TO YOUR COMMUNITY.

[LAUGHTER]

PLEASE STOP PUTTING

YOUR CHILDREN

ON THEM GODDAMN LEASHES.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT IS JUST ENTERTAINMENT

FOR NIGGAS, WE...

[LAUGHTER]

OH, WE CAN'T WAIT TO SEE

THAT SHIT IN THE STORE.

WE GET RIGHT BY THE REGISTER,

JUST...

[LAUGHTER]

THAT WHITE LITTLE KID'S WAKE UP,

GROW UP TO BE 26 AND

KILL EVERYBODY IN THE FAMILY,

'CAUSE YOU DONE HAD THEM

ON THE LEASH LIKE A DOG.

THEY JUST IN THE TOY STORE,

JUST, "I WANT IT, I WANT IT..."

[LAUGHTER]

AND BLACK PEOPLE LAUGHING

LIKE WE GOT THE SHIT DOWN PAT,

WE AIN'T NO GOOD, NEITHER.

YOU GOT TO STOP BEATIN'

YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' KIDS

IN THE GODDAMN GROCERY STORE.

YOU JUST HEAD IN

THE CHECKOUT LINE,

SOON AS YOUR BABY TOUCHES

THE SKITTLES, YOU,

"DIDN'T I TELL YOU NOT-?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

JUST, "MA'AM, THAT BABY IS

A TODDLER, YOU CAN'T BEAT THAT."

[LAUGHTER]

JUST SAYING, DON'T LET

YOUR KIDS STRESS YOU OUT.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU RAISE

YOUR KIDS, BUT I'M A PIMP.

[LAUGHTER]

NOT BECAUSE I PUT WOMEN

ON THE STREET,

I THINK PIMP.

THEREFORE I AM.

I SEE SOME NIGGAS WRITING IT

DOWN, FEEL FREE, FEEL FREE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO THE FIRST RULE OF PIMPING IS

YOU DON'T LIE.

SO I DON'T LIE TO MY SON

ABOUT NOTHING.

HE'S NINE, HE AIN'T

NEVER BELIEVED IN SANTA CLAUS,

I'M SORRY.

I CANNOT AFFORD FOR HIM

TO WALK AROUND THINKING

IT'S A WHITE MAN GOING THROUGH

THE GHETTO GIVING NIGGAS

PLAYSTATIONS.

[LAUGHTER]

NO, NO.

DADDY BOUGHT THAT WITH

HIS WEED MONEY, BABY.

[LAUGHTER]

CAN YOU SAY "SACRIFICE"?

[LAUGHTER]

SACRIFICE.

CINCINNATI, NOW.

ALL OVER THE WORLD IS HATERS.

YOU GOT TO BE CAREFUL, 'CAUSE

IT'S EASY TO BECOME A HATER.

SEE MOST REAL NIGGAS THINK THAT

HATERS ARE BORN.

[LAUGHTER]

HATERS ARE MADE.

THEY START OUT JUST LIKE US:

REAL NIGGAS.

THEY WANNA DO GOOD SO BAD THAT

NIGGAS NO LONGER RESPECT THE

GRIND, THE JOURNEY, THE

STRUGGLE, THE SHIT YOU GOTTA DO

IN BETWEEN.

THESE NIGGAS WANNA BE BALLERS

OVERNIGHT.

I SAW SOME SHIT IN CINCINNATI

TODAY THAT HURT MY SPIRIT AS A

NIGGA.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I HOPE THAT THE NIGGA I

FIXIN' TO TALK ABOUT IS IN THIS

MOTHERFUCKER TONIGHT SO I CAN

TALK ABOUT HIS ASS PERSONALLY.

Y'ALL NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS

SHIT.

I'M IN THE LIMO, AND IN MY

PERIPHERAL...

[LAUGHTER]

I SEE SOME NIGGAS LOOKIN'

CONFUSED, THAT MEAN OUT HIS

SIDE VISION, OUT HIS SIDE

VISION.

NIGGA IN THE BACK THOUGHT IS WAS

A CAR.

"THAT NIGGA GOT A PERIPHERAL?

[LAUGHTER]

FUCK A PHANTOM, THAT NIGGA GOT A

PERIPHERAL.

THAT AIN'T EVEN SUPPOSED TO COME

OUT TILL 2006."

IN MY PERIPHERAL TODAY...

[LAUGHTER]

THAT NIGGA STILL THINK IT'S A

CAR.

"I DON'T BELIEVE HIM.

IT'S A CAR.

HE DON'T WANT NOBODY TO HAVE

IT."

[LAUGHTER]

I SAW A NIGGA TODAY...

[LAUGHTER]

I KNOW Y'ALL WANNA KNOW, I'M

GON' TELL YOU.

I SAW A NIGGA WITH SPINNER

HUBCAPS.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT PART OF THE GAME IS THIS?

THEM MOTHERFUCKERS DIDN'T EVEN

SPIN ON THEIR OWN.

THIS NIGGA HAD TO GET OUT THE

CAR AND SPIN THEM BITCHES

MANUALLY TOO.

[LAUGHTER]

THIS IS BULLSHIT.