Bender's Game Pt. 3

  • Season 5, Ep 11
  • 04/26/2009

Bender leads the Planet Express team on a quest of his own imagination.

Oh, my poor, littleshnuzzy wuzzums.

Are theytreating you okay?

No, they're force-feeding us

so we poop moredark matter.

It's horrible!(dings)

(grunts, chickens squawk)

(belches)

Those are good.

You've got to help us.

Help us, forGod's sake!

Please, save us!

(overlapping pleading)

(whimpers)

Aw, Nibbler made a bo-bo.

But not on my terms.

I will not be treated like--hey, wait!

Aren't you amazed I can speak?

Well, actually, no.You forgot to blank

our memories afteryou spoke last time.

Then why did youlet me eat Friskies

and make bo-boin a litter box?

Well, you'recuter that way.

Cute as a baby'sbuttocks.

So what happened?

How did Mom captureall you Nibblonians?

(sighs)

It all began 36 years ago...

now, on the planet Vergon 6.

It was a veritable Eden,

brimming with unique and irreplaceable species.

(chomps)

Most of which were delicious.

I was Supreme Fuzzler

of a Nibblonian scientific outpost.

It was paradise until they came.

(rumbling)

(whirring)

One of your DOOP ships struck dark matter,

little realizing it was not a natural deposit,

but rather centuries of Nibblonian fecal material.

The big fecalenchilada.

Anyone else hungry?

NIBBLER: The DOOP contracted a ruthless businesswoman

to spearhead the mining operation.

Let me guess. Mom?

The very same.

Can I also guess Mom?

(Nibblonians groaning)

NIBBLER: To reduce costs, she started a new enterprise,

"Mom's Friendly Robots," to build robot slaves.

Remember, this was back in the days

before Robot Lincoln.

Faster! Faster!

I'm going exactly as fastas you built me to go!

Oh, wise guy, huh?

(whirs, cracks)

Zow!

NIBBLER: Eventually, the planet was mined down to a hollow shell,

and my people were forced to evacuate.

Alas, I had eaten a day-old swinosaur for lunch,

and while doing some evacuating of my own,

(straining) I was left behind.

MOM:So that's where it comes from!

We may have a whole new sourceof dark matter on our hands.

Ew!

NIBBLER: As it turned out, I was the lucky one.

Unbeknownst to me, Mom captured my colleagues

and enslaved them here in this... this crap farm!

(indistinct shouting)

There's nothing to dobut eat and crap.

Eat and crap!

It's like visitingmy parents!

NIBBLER: As for me, I emerged

from behind the bush of many uses

to find I had been left behind.

(sighs) I was doomed. Doomed!

Hello there.

NIBBLER: Startled, my cuteness reflex kicked in.

(sniffing)

LEELA:Hmm.

(Nibbler chatters)

Aw, I'll call him Nibbler.

NIBBLER: A silly name for a high-ranking Fuzzler,

but, hey, I was glad to be rescued.

(explosion)

(whimpering)

But then, how did you end uphere with the others?

I was kidnapped yesterdayby Mom's vile sons

in their moronicdisguises.

I was an owl exterminator.

(all gasping)

Do you have the cryssle?

It's pronounced crystal,you lump!

(metallic thuddingand clanging)

Go!

Run fast!

(approaching footsteps)

(door squeaks open)

Did you see anyone?

Me?

Yes, you. You'rethe only one here!

If I'm the only one here,then how could I see anyone?

He's got apoint, Walt.

So doesmy knee.(grunts)

(coughing and spitting,chickens cackling)

PROFESSOR:Oh!

This wouldn't be so badif it weren't for the chickens.

(high-pitched whirring)

(metallic clunking)

Don't worry.

Those clamps arefor my own protection.

Do you knowwhere you are,

(deep voice):Bender?

Sure do. I'm in the magical landof Cornwood,

frolicking with wenches.

Close. You're in theloony bin for a robotomy.

(high-pitched whirring)

Can't you just usethe access panel?

Either way is fine.

(sniffing)

Does anyone else smellburning dragon beak?

(door squeaks)

(all gasping)

(Nibbler squawks)

MOM:Wherever you are, Farnsworth,

my boys'll find you.

They've eluded us,Mother.

But rest assured,

we've alreadyslapped each other,

so there'sno need to...

ALL:Ow!

You'll thankme someday

when you're slappingyour own kids.

I know Farnsworth's game.

He's going to tryto poke his clammy old crystal

at my hot fiery crystal.

Mom!

If the crystals get

within six inchesof each other, wham!

Ow!

All my dark matterwill be worthless.

(startled scream)

Oh!

Get them!

(all whimpering and panting)

Oh!

(high-pitched yelp)

(Leela shouts,brothers grunt)

(zapping)

(moaning):Oh, that feels good.

Oh, for crying out...

(both whimpering)

(high-pitched whirring)

Oh, the freakin'battery's dead!

Walt, where'sthe charger?

In the hardware drawer, Mother.

(grunts)Ooh!

Oh! Ah!(yells)

(grumbling)

Damn tangled mess of wires!

We're almost there.

The crystals are beginningto engorge!

(high-pitched rhythmic buzzing)

(grunts)(whimpers)

Aah!Oh!

(grunting)

I can't quite... reach!

Fry, grab onto my EZ-fit waistband.

(grunts)

Oh, oh!

Oh, oh, oh!

Just a few more inches!

Come on, really wedgie iton in there!

(grunting)

Whoa!

Whoa!(crunching)

Huh. So that's whythey call me the Cat Man.

(pained grunt)

Nobody move!

I found the charger.

(clicking)Oh, hang on.

Why won't it...?

Okay, there!

Save us, Cat Man.

It's over, Hubert.

Give me theanti-backwards crystal!

Never!

(gulps)

(coughing)

(swallowing)

(chuckles)

(high-pitched rhythmic buzzing)

Oh, bravo.

You're in a crap-harvestingfactory, genius!

Walt, Larry-- start harvesting!

No!

(evil cackling)

(high-pitched rhythmic buzzing)

I will now delicatelyjerk out your imagination,

severing fantasy's gripon your nerd circuit.

Cornwood!

(whooshing)

Illogical. Illogical.

But, Doctor,I love you.

(explosion,glass breaking)

(fiendish cackling)

Oh, what now?

(brothers whimpering)

(yelling)

(birds singing)

(rumbling)

(rocks clattering)

(grunts, gasps)

Oh! This is crazy.

Ow!

What the...?

You okay, Leela?

I think so.

Wait a second.

Is there something differentabout your hooves?

(shrieks)

Oh, Lord.

I'm half horseand half naked.

Where the hell are we, Hell?

(metal squeaking)

Bender?!

I know not of this Bender.

I am Titanius Anglesmith.

Welcome to Cornwood!

(medieval music playing)

(excited crowd chatter)

Wretched peasants,put aside your cares

and feast on the succulent flesh

of the roast munchkin!

Ew!

Uck!

Care for aslice of Scroto?

Uh, that's his name, right?

'Tis also that, sir.

We are honored this eve

by a visit from my friendsof old, Frydo and Leegola!

So let the dwarvesdo their gay dance,

and let the gnomes playtheir sissy piccolos!

(playing whimsical tune)

Dance! Dance,you little freaks!

Faster!

(playing rapidly)

Faster!

(playing faster still)

Aah! My ankle!

To the kitchen with him!

Eh... wait, wait, wait!

I do impressions!

Behold, the swamp hag!

Get out of my swamp, you kids!

Don't let him get too crispy!

Lord Anglesmith!

You have ridden hard,noble squire.

May I offer you a horn of aleand a shank of dwarf?

'Tis dire news, Sire.

Dark riders approach.

(gasps)

Ye shall be handsomelyrewarded, Sir Knight.

We ride at once!

(grunts, metal clunking)

Oops.

(creaks and thuds)

Frydo, saddle upthy trusty steed!

What's happening, and whyam I enjoying it so much?!

(metallic clank)

Foul beast-bags,

meet thy doom!

Whoa!

Follow me!

Ooh!

(laughing)

Ooh!Aah!

Damn thee, Ignus!

But you saidto follow you.

Well, now I sayfollow this!

Ooh!Aah!

Oh. Oh!

Oh!The dieof power!

He's rolling it!

Oh, no!(all whimpering)

I'm back, baby.

(gasps)

DIE OF POWER:♪ Seven! ♪

(whooshing)

"Banish foes?" Cool!

No. No!(guttural utterance)

(whooshing and zapping)

(animal trilling)

(crackling zaps)

I got to say,I had no idea

the die of powerwas so powerful.

Did you haveany idea of...

Get out of my swamp,you kids!

I can't believe I'm saying this,but that was really exciting!

I've never felt so alive!

(moans and coughs)

What else can we slay?

Is that a hobbitover there?

Nah, that's ahobo and a rabbit.

But they're making a hobbit.

Thank God--an outhouse!

Hush!

This be no outhouse,

but the lairof the great wizard Greyfarn!

(door creaks open)

Who is it?

'Tis I, Titanius!

Just a moment.

(jabbering)

Methinks the wizard be castinga powerful spell indeed.

(zippering)

(door creaking)

Come in, come in!

Yes!

'Tis a powerful objectin both our worlds.

If you failed to destroy itin yours,

perhaps you were brought here

that you might havea second chance.

So this land is real?

Oh, dreadfully real!

If you die here,you'll really be dead.

But instead of science,we believe in crazy hocus-pocus.

It's like Kansas.

God help us.

Cornwood's troubles beganhundreds or perhaps millions

of years ago.

Deep in the Geysers of Gygax,

Momon herself injection-molded the dice of power

from the living plastic!

(laughing)

Damn, these are hot!

LEELA:Aha!

In our universe,she's called Mom.

In your universe,are you taught not to interrupt?

Evidently not.

Anyway, Momon spawnedthrerotten sons

whom you've already hadthe displeasure of meeting.

Waltazar, Larius,and the dumbest of all,

the half-wit Ignus,

bastard son of Momonand a brainless he-demon!

Curse you, Momon,

queen of all that is eviland not very good in bed!

And I'm notjust saying that

because shedumped me.

Yes, I was once her consort.

I was blinded by love,

and later, scorpion venom.

I'm blind!

But Momon hasone weakness.

She put too much ofher power into this,

the Generalissimoof dice!

Well, bite my shinymetal face!

(grunting)

Don't be foolish,Titanius.

If you had paid attentionin freshman alchemy,

instead of frequentingthe bawdy house,

you'd know there's onlyone way to destroy it.

In the boiling plasticfrom which it was molded!

Like that machine that makeswax lions at the zoo!

Quiet, you.

We must infiltratethe Geysers of Gygax--

the impenetrable strongholdof Momon!

(thunder crackling)

Impossible!

Impossible, I say!

No, Titanius.

For we maintainone advantage--

the elementof surprise.

(sinister laughter)

(hissing sinister laughter)

(buzzing)

Verily,

our quest is begun!

Stop right there!

(all gasp)

Hermes?

LEELA:He's a centaur, like me!

You wish.

I am Hermafroditee,

most beautifulof Centaurs!

Gaze upon me and weepat my loveliness!

Very well.

Loveliestof Centaurs,

we seek to endMomon's reign of evil.

Have you stout fightersat your command?

1,000 archers of truest aim!

Fire!

Hey, guys, I forgotI had this pumpkin.

Oh, no!

LEELA:I knew it!

My people aremighty warriors!

Our enemies will belike Swiss cheese

with blood comingout of the holes!

(neighing):Nay.

We centaurs arecreatures of peace!

Oh, Lord.

Violence is never justified!

We shall not join your quest;

and furthermore,if mayhem be your intent,

you may not cross our lands!

Or what?

Or... uh...

huh-hmm.

(bridge creaking)

We're not there,we're here.

No, this way.I mean here.

(bridge creaking)

Thank you kindly,Treedle-Dum.

Duh, okeydoke.

Anything else I can do?

(fire crackling)

You know whoI'm gonna miss?

That tree guy.

Bad news, Fancy Men.

Momon's guards standwatch at the pass.

'Tis as if she somehowanticipated us!

And so our questcomes to an end.

I only regretnot giving up sooner.

Fret not, Titanius!

For we still have one hope.

The Cave of Hopelessness!

Let me knowhow that turns out.

Halt!

Are you on the list?

I'm not seeing youon the list.

I'll split thisdoofus in half.

Wait, I got it.

Uh,

yeah, my cousin'sin the band.

The bandof merry men?

Please?

We were already in there.

I just need to go backfor my coat.

(water bubbling)

(gasping)

I am Gynecaladriel,

queen of the water nymphos.

All right, I'll splitthis doofus in half.

Stand aside,

and I will use my powers

to overwhelmthe guard.

(humming)

(guard snoring)

Behold, the deed is done.

Ho!

Mr. Wizard?

Why is this placecalled the Caveof Hopelessness?

Oh, fear not, lad.

'Tis namedfor its discoverer,

ReginaldHopelessness.Whew!

The first man to be eaten alive

by the Tunneling Horror!

(footstepsapproaching)

(gasps):What's that?

The Tunneling Horror?

No!

It's Morcs!

(speaking gibberish)

Oh, God, no!

They're so aggravating!

Oh, fantastic.

Nanoo, nanoo...

(overlapping chatter)

(grunting)

(laughing)

(overlapping chatter)

(grunting)

Mmm. Mindy, Mindy,Mindy, Mindy.

Shut up! Shut up!

Maybe it'll go away if wejust don't laugh at it!

It doesn't!

MORC:Nanoo, nanoo.

(grunting)

(panting)

Oh, shazbot.(grunting)

Well,

at least we didn'thave to face

the TunnelingWhatchamacallit.

(rumbling)Uh-oh.

Enough already with the banging

and the swashbuckling!

(all screaming)

Ooh, I'm going to enjoykilling you.

Ow!

Watch where you're shootingthat thing!

(groans):Again?

What am I,talking to myself over here?

Mutilate!

(grunting)

Okay, now I'm gettinga little mad, even.

(screaming)

Whoa!

Oh!(screams)

Whoa!

(all screaming)

(all groan)

I'll kill you and eatyour heart, you abomination!

(groans)

(laughing)

Don't make me laugh.

The very idea that removing onlyone of my two hearts could...

Hey, what are doing down there?!

Now I'm dead.

(grunting)Leela, it's over!

You killed him enough!

I'm not taking any chances

with the Tunneling Horror!

What?

I'm not the Tunneling Horror!

I hate that guy!

Always with the tunneling.

Anyway, I'm dead.

So you're justan innocent monster?

Oh, God, what have I done?!

(rumbling)

Oh, there he goes again.

(growling)

(all screaming)

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