Monday, January 20, 2014

  • 01/20/2014

Arden Myrin, Al Madrigal and Rob Huebel create bad reality show titles, figure out whether cats are rich or poor and think of free stuff to give away on Craiglist.

INTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID

REFRESH!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THE FIRST COMEDIAN TO BUZZ IN

WITH THE CORRECT ANSWER GETS 100

POINTS.

IT IS MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY

TODAY AND WHILE MOST OF US

CELEBRATED THE DAY PEACEFULLY

HONORING ONE OF THE GREATEST MEN

IN AMERICAN HISTORY,

SOME OF US WERE MADONNA.

(LAUGHTER)

MADONNA PROVED JUST HOW FAR WE

HAVEN'T COME AFTER INSTAGRAMING

THIS PHOTO OF HER SON ROCCO IN

WHICH SHE USED THE N WORD IN HER

HASH TAG, THAT IS THE CORRECT

REACTION.

SHE LATER APOLOGIZED SAYING

IT WAS USED AS A TERM OF

ENDEARMENT TOWARD MY SON WHO

IS WHITE.

WHICH, BY THE WAY, IS DOUBLY

WORSE.

HOWEVER, BEFORE THAT HER

INITIAL APOLOGY MISSED THE MARK,

WHAT WAS MADONNA'S INSTAGRAM

COMMENT IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING

THE INCIDENT?

WAS IT A) MY TWO ADOPTED KIDS

DON'T MIND THAT I USE THAT WORD

#NOTSORRY, #HATERS.

B) SORRY.

IN BRITAIN THAT WORD IS TOTALLY

OKAY LIKE (BLEEP), (BLEEP).

(LAUGHTER)

C) OKAY, LET ME START THIS

AGAIN.

#GETOFFMYDICKHATERS!

I DON'T KNOW, WHICH ANSWER,

GUYS?

WHICH ONE DO YOU THINK IT IS?

ROB HUEBEL.

>> C, CHRIS.

>> Chris: YOU ARE CORRECT.

YEAH, IT'S C.

#GET OFF OF MY DICK, HATERS.

BY THE WAY, SHE TOTALLY COULD

HAVE GOTTEN OUT OF THIS

GRACEFULLY AND JUST BEEN LIKE,

"GUYS, I AM NOT RACIST, DO YOU

KNOW HOW MANY BLACK GUYS I HAVE

(BLEEP)?

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY?

WOULD A RACIST (BLEEP) THAT MANY

BLACK GUYS?"

>> DENNIS RODMAN!

>> Chris: SERIOUSLY!

SHE'S HAD SO MANY BLACK GUYS HER

VAGINA GETS B.E.T.

(LAUGHTER0

SHE IS CLEARLY NOT RACIST.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> I MEAN, I THINK WHITE PEOPLE

HAVE TO REALIZE THERE IS ONLY

ONE TIME YOU CAN USE THE N WORD

AND THAT IS ABSOLUTELY NEVER.

>> Chris: NEVER!

SO YES, IT IS MARTIN LUTHER KING

DAY, WHICH MEANS THAT AMERICAN

CORPORATIONS TRIED TO

FIND WAYS TO USE DR. KING'S

LEGACY FOR PROFIT.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING REAL

CORPORATE TWEETS RECEIVED THE

MOST FAVORITES.

THESE ARE ALL REAL?

THIS IS FROM @ZZZQUIL.

TODAY IS THE DAY FOR DREAMING.

HAPPY M.L.K. DAY.

(LAUGHTER)

WHY STOP THERE?

WHY NOT JUST HASHTAG IT MARTIN

LUTHER KING DAYQUIL?

B) FROM @ARBYS, HAPPY

M.L.K. DAY, HATS OFF TO MARTIN

LUTHER KING AND HIS DREAM.

OKAY, ARBY'S.

C) FROM PORN HUB, HAPPY M.L.K.,

IN HONOR OF HIS DEATH, MAKE SURE

TO ONLY USE THE EBONY CATEGORY

TODAY.

(LAUGHTER)

FOR REALS, PORN HUB.

#FORREAL.

YES, ARDEN?

>> I AM GOING TO GO WITH B.

BECAUSE THEY'VE STAKED THEIR

CLAIM SELLING ROAST BEEF AND

THEY DARE TO DREAM, THAT'S

TOUGH.

>> Chris: WELL, LET'S SEE WHAT

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS.

IN FACT, C FOR PORN HUB.

C FOR PORN HUB.

BY THE WAY, THEY LATER TWEETED

AN APOLOGY TWEET, M.L.K. WOULD

HAVE EVERYONE WANTED TO WATCH

THE INTERRACIAL CATEGORY TODAY.

#IHAVEADREAM.

HASHTAG WARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WELL, AFTER YOU WATCHED

"SHERLOCK" LAST NIGHT I AM SURE

YOU CHECKED OUT THE NEW SEASON

OF "KEEPING UP WITH THE

KARDASHANS".

(LAUGHTER)

SHERLOCK IS TOO SMART.

I NEED SOME BRAIN SORBET.

IN HONOR OF THE WORLD'S

WORST REALITY SHOW TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG IS WORSE REALITY SHOWS.

EXAMPLES OF--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YES.

GOOD.

OH, IT IS ABOUT TIME.

WHY I DON'T CARE WHO I TAKE

DOWN.

EXAMPLES OF THIS MIGHT BE

AMERICAN MIDOL, THE

NAP-PRENTICE, SEWAGE WARS, THOSE

ARE EXAMPLES OF WORSE REALITY

SHOWS, YOU CAN PLAY ALONG WITH

US AT THE @MIDNIGHT TWITTER

ACCOUNT.

READY, 60 SECONDS AND GO.

YES, AL MADRIGAL.

>> KEEPING UP WITH THE

SANTORUMS.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

YES, ROB HUEBEL.

>> FINDING BIGFOOT'S BALL SACK.

>> Chris: IF YOU FIND THE

BALL SACK, YOU FIND THE BIGFOOT,

I FOLLOW THE TRAIN OF LOGIC.

POINTS.

YES, ARDEN.

>> TODDLERS AND THE TIJUANA

DONKEY SHOW.

>> Chris: THAT WOULD BE A

REALLY BAD REALITY SHOW.

POINTS!

YES, ARDEN?

>> SO YOU THINK YOU CAN

DIAPER MICKEY ROURKE?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YOU THINK YOU CAN BUT

YOU CAN'T, THE WHOLE SEASON.

>> WE CAN'T, HE'S TOO FAST.

>> Chris: POINTS.

YES, ROB HUEBEL.

>> CUPCAKE WHORES.

>> Chris: OH, I AM ONE OF THOSE,

MY FRIEND.

I AM WAY ONE OF THOSE.

POINTS.

YES, ARDEN?

>> THE BIGGEST LUGER, IT'S ABOUT

A REALLY FAT BOBSLEDDER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: GOD, THAT IS

BRILLIANT.

POINTS!

I LOVE IT.

YES, AL.

>> DANCE UNCLES.

(LAUGHTER)

CREEPY, IT'S A CREEPY SHOW.

>> Chris: DEFINITELY POINTS.

ARDEN?

>> OH, AH, AH, AH, AH.

>> Chris: OH, NO.

>> THE AMAZING RACIST.

IT'S A STORY OF--

IT'S MADONNA'S WORLD TOUR.

>> Chris: YES, WELL DONE.

POINTS.

THAT IS THE END OF HASHTAG WARS!

VINE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU'RE CLAPPING, YOU DON'T EVEN

KNOW WHAT THAT GAME IS BECAUSE

WE HAVEN'T PLAYED IT YET SO SHUT

UP.

(LAUGHTER)

VINE IS A PLACE WERE PEOPLE GO

TO MAKE SURE THEY'LL ALWAYS

REMEMBER MOMENTS THEY'D RATHER

FORGET.

OFTEN THE NAMES ARE SO LONG AND

FULL OF HASHTAGS THAT THEY'RE

LONGER TO READ THAN WATCH.

SO COMICS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU

A VINE AND IF YOU CAN THINK OF A

TITLE THAT MAKES MYSELF AND THE

AUDIENCE LAUGH YOU WILL GET 250

POINTS.

ALL RIGHT?

LET'S US BEGIN.

THIS ONE.

>> I JUST STOLE A KISS.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT

IT?

(LAUGHTER)

YES, AL, I'M GOING TO CALL ON

YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT

IT?

>> SUZE ORMAN PICKUP ARTIST.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS, FOR SURE.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

(LAUGHTER)

DID ANYONE ELSE FEEL A DEEP

SADNESS AFTER WATCHING THAT?

YES, ARDEN?

>> GOLLUM GOES TO REHAB.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

>> YOU KNOW, THAT'S ACTUALLY MY

MANAGER, SO--

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, LET'S JUMP

TO THE NEXT ONE.

>> GET YOUR PHONE OUT OF MY

FACE.

>> Chris: ROB HUEBEL.

>> DON'T YOU EVER TALK ABOUT ME!

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT

THAT'S--

>> RICHARD SHERMAN.

>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS, WELL

DONE!

RICHARD SHERMAN OF THE SEATTLE

SEAHAWKS.

>> THAT'S LIKE THE VALEDICTORIAN

OF THE CHRIS BROWN SELF-DEFENSE

SCHOOL.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: I GOT TO GIVE YOU

POINTS FOR THAT, ARDEN.

I HAVE TO GIVE YOU POINTS FOR

THAT.

ARDEN TOOK A COMMANDING LEAD IN

IT IS TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,

RICH CAT, POOR CAT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IF YOU'VE WATCHED OUR SHOW AT

ANY LENGTH YOU KNOW THERE IS NOW

A TUMBLR WHERE PEOPLE POST

RIDICULOUS PICTURES OF CATS,

SURROUNDED BY MONEY CALLED CASH

CATS BECAUSE THESE PEOPLE HAVE A

LOT OF FREE TIME, AND CATS AND

STUFF TO PUT AROUND THEM.

SO I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU A

PICTURE AND YOU HAVE TO TELL ME

IF IT IS FROM A CASH CAT OR IF

IT'S A PICTURE OF CAT BEING

HUMILIATED SOMEWHERE ELSE ON THE

INTERNET, ALL RIGHT?

SO FOR 250 POINTS, YOU SAY

RICH CAT OR POOR CAT.

READY, HERE IS THE FIRST ONE.

RICH CAT, POOR CAT.

YES, AL?

>> POOR CAT.

>> YES, THAT IS A POOR CAT.

OH!

(LAUGHTER)

>> I WONDER WHICH LUCKY LADY

CAUGHT THE CAT.

>> Chris: IT'S THE ONE WITH

THE SCRATCH MARKS ALL OVER HER

FACE.

"I AM GETTING MARRIED NEXT."

JUST BLEEDING.

>> IT'S LIKE A LADY WHO LOVES

"CATHY" COMICS AND SHE GETS TO

MARRY THE CAT.

>> SO ARE WE TO BELIEVE THAT SHE

HAD THAT STRAPPED AROUND HER LEG

A MINUTE AGO?

>> Chris: THE ENTIRE TIME.

YEAH, THE ENTIRE TIME.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

RICH CAT, POOR CAT?

ROB?

>> POOR CAT?

>> Chris: YEAH, THAT IS A POOR

CAT.

MEOW!

THAT'S FROM CATS THAT LOOK LIKE

DAVID BOWIE.

(LAUGHTER)

♪ GROUND CONTROL TO MEW-JER

TOM. ♪

(LAUGHTER)

GOD I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH.

>> THAT WAS AMAZING.

THAT LAST CAT, I HAVE NEVER

DONE COCAINE BUT IF I DID I

WOULD LIKE TO BUY IT FROM THAT

LAST CAT.

>> Chris: FROM THE LAST CAT?

YEAH, NICE.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

RICH CAT, POOR CAT?

YES, ARDEN.

>> I'M GOING TO GO POOR CAT

BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE A TABBY.

>> WELL, IT'S A MISDIRECT THIS

IS, IN FACT, A VERY RICH CAT.

>> WHOA!

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> WHOA!

>> DO YOU THINK THAT CAT IS

SINGLE?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: OKAY, FIRST OF ALL

THERE ARE JUST SOME $20s AND

SINGLES SO THAT IS REALLY ABOUT

$300.

$300, AND SOME RIFLES AND A FOUR

LOCO.

>> IT'S ALSO THAT'S NOT A FOUR

LOCO, THAT IS QUITE A FEW FOUR

LOCOS.

>> I SPENT A LOT OF TIME STAGING

THAT.

IT WAS HARD TO GET THE CAT TO

STAND THERE, CHRIS.

>> THAT CAT ALSO KILLED TWO

WOLVES.

>> Chris: OH, MY GOD, IT

TOTALLY DID!

(LAUGHTER)

ON CRAIGSLIST, FREE ON

CRAIGSLIST!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IF ANYONE HAS EVER SAID YOU

CAN'T GIVE THAT THING AWAY THEY

HAVE CLEARLY NEVER BEEN ON

CRAIGSLIST.

THERE ARE COUNTLESS FREE ITEMS

AVAILABLE ON THEIR WEBSITE

DAILY ALL FOR THE TAKING.

UNFORTUNATELY, THEY ARE ALL

THINGS THAT NO ONE IN THEIR

RIGHT MIND WOULD WANT.

SO I WANT YOU TO NAME AS MANY

FREE ITEMS THAT YOU WOULD GIVE

AWAY ON CRAIGSLIST AND IF THE

ITEM MAKES US LAUGH, WE WILL

GIVE YOU 250 POINTS.

READY, 60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK,

AND GO.

YES, ROB HUEBEL.

>> A BOX OF FARTS FROM FAMOUS

PEOPLE THAT I KNOW.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: THAT YOU ALREADY

KNOW, YES POINTS.

YES, AL.

>> COMPLETE DVD SET OF "HUMAN

GIANT," UNOPENED.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: OH, MAN, WHAT A SHOT.

ARE YOU OKAY, ROB?

>> THERE WAS ONLY ONE DVD SO

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, POINTS TO

AL MADRIGAL.

ARDEN.

>> TEAR-STAINED WEDDING DRESS,

UNUSED.

(LAUGHTER0

>> Chris: OH, THAT MAKES ME SAD,

BUT HAPPY TO GIVE YOU POINTS.

WELL DONE.

YES, ARDEN.

>> ADOPTED RUSSIAN TODDLER, DOES

NOT CLICK WITH SURVIVING MEMBERS

OF FAMILY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: AND THAT'S FREE?

>> THAT'S FREE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

YES, ROB HUEBEL.

>> SOME KARATE BOARDS, BARELY

BROKEN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: DID YOU BREAK THEM?

>> I DID THAT, YES.

>> Chris: ALMOST BROKEN.

ALL RIGHT, GOOD, POINTS.

YES, ROB HUEBEL.

>> A DREAM CATCHER I STOLE FROM

A DEAD GUY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: DUDE, HE TOTALLY

SHOULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING.

POINTS.

ARDEN.

>> BIRTHING TUB, SLIGHTLY USED,

MAKES FUN COOLER AT PARTIES.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: I THINK THERE'S A

BEER UNDER ONE OF THESE BABIES.

POINTS, AL.

>> INFLATABLE AZIZ ANSARI DOLL,

BITE MISSING.

(LAUGHTER)

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