ULTIMATE SKETCH ARCHIVE
The host of "Judge Jessie" proves to be a jack-of-all-trades, the valets bond over their love of Robert Downey Jr., and Decker heads to Afghanistan for his latest mission.
(male announcer)Today on Judge Jessie,
Judge Jessie turns up the heat.
You signed a piece of paper.
He gave you the snake.
Then you bring a snake
into the homewith two small Chihuahuas.
I had not been made aware
that the snakewould get rid of its skin,
and then the sprinklerscame down with the snakeskin,
ruined my carpet.
(Jessie)What--what set offthe sprinklers?
Unrelated popcorn fire,Your Honor.
(announcer) Judge Jessie.
As a police officer,he defended the streets.
As a trial lawyer...
(announcer)He fought for the truth.
As a black belt...
(announcer)He mastered discipline.
As a carpenter,
he learned the valueof craftsmanship.
As a surgeon,he mastered a cool head.
As a crack ho,
he learned to go dayswithout sleep.
And as an announcer,
he does the voice-overon this show.
Coming up on Judge Jessie...
Mr. Simmons, before you speak,I know from experience
that the police have completelymishandled your case,
and there is legal precedentfor you to win,
and any good defense attorneywould have told you that.
I also know that obviously theplace where you hurt your back
wasn't structurallyup to code, Mr. Oyama.
And furthermore,as a sensei,
you should know a manof his skill set
cannot do a Mike Yaki.
You should know that.
Obviously, I can tellby looking at your alignment
that you've herniated a discsomeplace in your L4 or your L5.
I'm finding for the plaintiffnot $2,500,
$2,700, Mr. Oyama.
Thank you, Your Honor.
You're quite welcome.
(announcer) Judge Jessie.
Dusty, can I suck your dick?
Noah Sanders.Here for the job interview.
Please take a seat.Mr. Weinstein will see you next.
Job interviews, huh?
I get it.Stay focused.
Cool, cool, cool, cool,cool, cool, cool, cool.
- Yeah.- Whoo-hoo!
That was a big laugh.
- I did it!- No, you didn't!
- I did it.- [laughter]
Is this a job interviewor The Carol Burnett Show?
- You know what I mean?- [laughter]
Oh, sir, sir, sir.
- Oh, my God, that is too rich.- Oh, well.
Thanks so muchfor coming in, Adam.
Of course,and you better stay away
from that Chinese food there.
Oh, my God,you got that right.
That's done--it's done a numberon my stomach.
- [martial arts shouts]- [grunting]
Here's your fortune.
You're gonna be sickin a half hour.
Oh, my gosh,what an absolute delight, Adam.
It's been great, and--can Itell you something real quick?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't even careif I get this job
because I knowI've made a friend for life.
What a terrific attitude.
What a great goddamn attitude.
You son of a gun.
You know what?
Right quick, before you leave,I want to give you something.
No, sir,I can't take any more gifts.
This whole thinghas been a gift.
My brother passed away.
21 years ago.
We were estranged,
and he became ill,
and he gave this to meas a peace offering.
And then one daywhen we were on the ocean,
he fell overboard on a boatvery much like this one
I saw him strugglingall the way
as a riptidejust pulled him down.
That bitch ocean.
Would you please accept thisas a--as a token
of my gratitude for youbringing joy back into my life?
Under any other circumstance,I would refuse,
but I will acceptthis gift today
because I knowhow much it means to you.
So I will.
How is that funny?
- Are you hearing any of this?- Oh, my God.
This guy. How do you keepa straight face all day?
She's--isn't she sweet?
Sweeter than pie.Sweeter than pie.
Oh, my God.
God damn it,I love your fucking energy.
Well,what can I say, sir?
I am solar powered.
You like--you like that one, huh?
Oh, thanks so much, Adam.
Best interview I've ever beena part of in my entire life.
Okay, who's next?
You? Ready?Let's go. Chop-chop.
Here we go.[clapping]
Come on, let's go.
Requesting permissionto come on board, sir.
Hi, Noah Sanders the name.
Sorry to hearabout your brother.
Maybe we could getsome Chinese food after this?
- [clicks tongue]- All right. All right.
Okay, take it easy.
Jeez, settle down, turbo.
[phone dings and vibrates]
Oh, hold on a second.Mm-hmm.
Oh, hell no.
He did not just text mehe working late.
That shit is weak.
You know what,working late, my ass.
If he don't walkthrough that door
in the next half an hour,
he may as well not evencome home tonight
'cause I'm not gonna be therewaiting for his cheating ass.
- Okay!- All right, girl?
I ain't playing.You know what I'm saying?
I mean, I will be therewaiting because--
But he gonna have to put upwith a lot of shit from me.
And if he thinkhe gonna do this shit again,
he is sorely mistaken...
Because my mangets one chance.
- Okay!- One.
- Okay!- And then after that,
- he get one more...- Okay...
And then after that,he gonna get three strikes.
- Then you're out.- Okay...
And if I ever find out thatmy man was messing around on me,
he better get as faraway from me as he possibly can
because he do not want to getwhat I'm gonna give to him.
I got my motherfuckingreal estate license...
But if and when he doescome home, that's fine...
'Cause he can go out
and get all turnt upwith these little side hos
and whatnot'cause you know what, bitch?
He always gonna come home.
- All right?- Okay.
I'm the queen bee, and healways gonna come home to me.
- You know what?- Okay...
But you know what, but youknow what, but you know what?
- I don't even care.- Oh, okay.
But I'll tell you what happenif he do come home.
He ain't gonna be pullingany of that shit in my house.
He can come to the houseif he wants to,
but he ain't never gonnado that when I'm home.
- Okay.- You know what?
Even if I'm home,it's fine.
You knowwhat I'm talking about?
'Cause I don't givea good goddamn.
- Okay.- That's what I'm talking about.
But he ain't gonna bringthat shit into my bedroom.
I tell you that much right now,okay?
'Cause there ain't notrifling-ass nigga
gonna wake me up while he'scheating on me in my bed again.
And I told him.I looked him right in the face.
I said, "This is the fifthand last time that you"--
I couldn't havesaid it better myself, girl.
- You're right.- Okay?
You just been spouting wordsof wisdom all evening.
I ain't listening to a
[high-pitched] goddamn thingyou saying.
I don't even know whatthe hell I was thinking, girl.
The second that that manwalks through that door,
I'ma dump his ass.
- Okay?- Okay.
Oh, my gosh,speak of the devil.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What'd you get upto this weekend, though, dog?
Ah, you know me, man.
Got up all upin that Redbox.
- Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah?- Yeah.
- You know who's good, though?- Who that, dog?
Robert Downeys Juniors.
Robert Downeys Juniors,though, dog? Which one?
- Which one?- Tony Starks, dog.
Tony Starks! Yeah, man.
- Tony Starks. Iron Mans.- Yo.
That man be buildinghis own suit and everything
and getting all wittywith Pepper Pottsies.
Yeah, yeah. Yo, yo, my man's gota glowing heart in that one.
(both)Wan, wan, wan.
You give that nigga a statuefor that alone.
- That's right there, man.- Whoo!
Definitely, dog, yo,but yo,
another thingabout RD Squared real quick?
- Go to it.- Sherlocky Holmes.
- Sherlocky Holmes.- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
When Sherlocksy Holmesis in that pit
and he's fighting that dude.
Yeah, and he fightingthat dude.
And then all of a suddenin his mind
he made everythinggo in slow motion.
[British accent] "I've got todo this, and I got to do this,
and then statisticallyI should do this."
And then the cane,and then he went back
to real-life speed,and he did it.
[overlapping chatterand shouting]
What?That was my jam.
- That was my jam right there.- That was my jam.
He knew what was goingto happen using statistics!
Yo, and then rememberthat one scene
where he woke up inhis neighbor's daughter's bed,
and he was all on drugsand shit?
- Oh, yeah!- Yo.
No, no, that was RD Squared inreal life, though, right there.
It was. It was.It was. It was.
That was real life, though.
He was good in that one, though.He was good.
- He was good in that one.- That was very realistic, yup.
You know who else is good,though, dog?
- Who, who, who, who, who?- Vally Kilmers.
Oh, we talking 'boutVally Kilmers right now.
We talking 'bout Vally Kilmersright now, dog.
Which one? Which one?Which one?
Which one? Oh, you know,Vally Kilmers in Tombstones.
[imitating hooves clopping]
What?Come on, man.
- [imitates whipping]- [imitates horse neighing]
That's my shit right there.Doccy Hollidays, dog?
Oh, my God.My man's talking about...
[inhales and exhales]"I'll be your huckleberry."
Ooh, and they was upin that O.K. Corral.
- Talking about--- Oh, the shootout?
- Earps. Earps. Earps. Earps.- Buck. Buck.
Okay. Okay.Okay. Okay.
Oh, you ain't okay.Ha ha!
- That's my jam right there.- That's my jam.
But what about my boy VallyKilmers in Willows, though?
What about Vally Kilmersin that Willows, though, right?
Vally Kilmers in that Willows,dog, yo!
When he was Madmartigans
and they wasin that medieval toboggan.
[imitating sleddingand adventure music]
[both imitating sword fighting]
And the little leprechauntalking about, "You are great."
He wasmagically delicious, dog!
- Magically delicious, dog.- That was my jam.
Oh, but what about Val Kilmersin The Saints? What?
Oh, Vally Kilmersin The Saint.
Vally Kilmers in The Saint,though, what?
When my man--my man was like--
And--and then--and then he--
and then he was like--he--
I-I didn't see that one.
Just the coverlooked enticing.
Yo, yo, you knowwhat I'm realizing right now
for the first time?
What's that, dog?
It's like if there was a graphof RD Square...
- Yeah, a graph.- And Vally Kilmers' careers...
RD Squarewould start down here.
Right, and Vally Kilmerswould be starting right up here.
And RD Square would getthis trajectory going.
Right, and then Vally Kilmersbe on this trajectory
- right here like this, right?- And they just making movies.
They just making movies.Making movies.
Making movies.Making movies.
Making movies.Getting a little crazy.
Just doing a little drugs.Just getting a little bit--
Yup, doing crazy.Making--still making movies.
And then they meetat this point.
In the same movie.
Which is why the best movieof all time is--
- Kiss Kiss-- - Bang Bang.
(both) Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
is my shit!