Monday, May 12, 2014

  • Season 1, Ep 01063
  • 05/12/2014

Jonah Ray, Emily V. Gordon and Maronzio Vance #RuinANurseryRhyme, guess which Jay Z fight meme got the most retweets and add new hashtags to Rich Kids of Instagram photos.

>> RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH,

MOVE OVER WATERGATE, TMZ.COMUNCOVERED THIS SHOCKING FOOTAGE

I BELIEVE THIS IS BEY-ONCE'SSISTER SOL-ANGE ATTACKING JAYZ

>> I LOVE THAT SOMEONE WILLACTUALLY CORRECT ME FOR SERIOUS

ON THE INTERNET.

"UH, IT'S BEYONCE." I KNOW.

IT'S A COMEDY SHOW, COME ON!

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED.

THIS IMMEDIATELY INSPIRED FOURTRENDING HASHTAGS

BECAUSE THE ONLY THING THEINTERNET LOVES MORE THAN

BEYONCE, JAY-Z, AND CATS ISBEYONCE, JAY-Z, AND CAT-FIGHTING

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWINGSOLANGE/JAY-Z FIGHT MEMES GOT

THE MOST RETWEETS.

A, SOLANGE AS CHUN LI IN "STREETFIGHTER 4."

B, JAY Z AND SOLANGE IN A SHOVELGIRL PARODY.

THEY DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO DO THE PHOTOSHOP ON THAT ONE.

OR C -- THIS ONE IS PRETTYAMAZING.

THIS SCREENGRAB THAT WASACTUALLY ON SOLANGE'S WIKI PAGE

FOR A FEW MINUTES.

UNDER "OCCUPATIONS," "KICKER,STREETFIGHTER, JAY-Z'S 100th

PROBLEM."

>> C, BECAUSE THE INTERNET DOESNOT SLEEP.

> YES, THE CORRECT ANSWER WAS C C.

>> BONUS POINTS, THE HIGHESTTRENDING HASHTTAG WAS WHAT JAY Z

SAID TO SOLANGE, OR WHAT DID HESAY TO GET THAT BEATDOWN.

COMEDIANS, WHAT DID JAY-Z SAY?

>> AFTER YOU, BEYONCE'S SISTER.

>> POINTS.

>> JAPAN'S CONSTITUTION DOES NOTPROHIBITLY FORBID SOMEONE FROM

BEING THE KING OF FARTS. GOODNEWS FOR THE 55-YEAR-OLD WHO

APPEARED ON MONDAY'S LATESHOW TO DO THIS BUSINESS.

RIIIIIICOLA!( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

WHEN ASKED WHAT HIS PROFESSIONWAS, MATSUSHITA SAID HE WAS A

FART SOUND CREATOR.

COMEDIANS, WE KNOW THAT'S NOTGOING TO GET SUJI HIRED, SO

PLEASE GIVE HIM A BETTER JOBTITLE FOR HIS LINKEDIN PROFILE.

JONAH RAY.

>> THE LEAST WEIRD PERSON ONJAPANESE TELEVISION.

>> YES, POINTS!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )EMILY GORDON.

>> MAY I ASK FIRST?

WHAT IS THE PILLOW FOR?

DOES IT HELP WITH THE ANGLING?

DO YOU NEED YOUR COLON TO BE INA SPECIAL PLACE?

>> HOW DOES THAT HELP.>> I CAN ANSWER THAT.

>> YES.

I THINK HE SHOULD BE THE V.P. OFMERGERS AND ASS-QUISITIONS

>> I WOULD SAY ANAL AIRDISTRIBUTOR.

>> WHEN IT ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELYHAS TO BE THERE.

IT'S TIME FOR #HASHTAGWARS

A COUPLE OF DAYS OF AGO ATWITTER USERS

@ALUNSFORD1209 SUGGESTED THEHASHTAG "DIRTYNURSERYRHYMES."

WE LIKED THE IDEA, BUT ONMONDAY'S WE STARTED DOING "RUIN"

SO TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#RUINANURSERYRHYME.

EXAMPLES WOULD BE LITTLE MISSJIMMY BUFFET,

JACK AND JILL STARRING ADAMSANDLER, ROW ROW V WADE.

SO 60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK, ANDGO. EMILY.

>> LONDON BRIDGE IS FALLING DOWNDUE TO TERRORISM.

>> THERE WAS AN OLD WOMAN WHOLIVED IN A SHOE-- THANKS, OBAMA!

>> POINTS, POINTS.

EMILY.

>> DRY HUMPTY DUMPY.

>> THAT'S WHY HE CRACKED.

JONAH.

>> OLD MOTHER L RON HUBBARD.

>> JACK AND JILL WENT UP THEHILL, BUT JACK SAYS THE SEX WAS

CONSENSUAL.

>> YES!

POINTS, JONAH.

>> JACK AND JILL WENT UP THEHILL TO TALK ABOUT THE ABORTION.

>> SO YOU THINK HE PUSHED HERDOWN THE HILL.

>> THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID.

>> I'LL FORGET ABOUT IT IF YOUGIVE ME THE POINTS.

>> GEORGIE PORGIE PUTIN MAY CRYOR MAY DIE.

>> THIRD EYE BLIND MICE.

>> YES!

DA-DA-DO-DO.

THAT'S ADORABLE!

>> ONCE YOU GO BA-BA-BLACK SHEEPYOU NEVER GO BA-BA-BACK.

"LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH AND

FRAME-US."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )THE HASHTAG #RICHKIDSOFINSTAGRAM

FEATURES INSTAGRAM KIDSFLAUNTING THEIR WEALTH AND IS SO

POPULAR, IT HAS INSPIRED ANOT JUST A TUMBLR-- WHICH IS

REALLY HARD TO GET, BUT EVEN ATV SHOW, WHICH IS NOT THAT HARD

TO GET.

THIS ONE.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOUA LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH

INSTAGRAM PHOTO FEATURED ONTUMBLR, AND YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME

A HASHTAG TO ADD TO THE PHOTO.

>> THIS IS WHAT I IMAGINETURNING AROUND AND GOING HARRY

OSBORN, HOW I CAN HELP YOU.

>> HASHTAG LEAST INTERESTING MANIN THE WORLD.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

I KNOW!

HE CAN'T EVEN LOOK INTERESTINGNEXT TO ZEBRAS, WHO JUST WALKED

UP THERE LIKE HOW DO WE GET THE( BLEEP ) OUT OF THIS HOUSE.

>> IT'S VERY SEXUAL.

WHEN I LOOK AT IT, I HEAR HIMSAYING COME GET STUFFED LIKE

THESE ZEBRAS.

>> LOOKS LIKE A FRED ARMSTONCHARACTER.

>> I'LL GIVE YOU POINT BUT WE DONOT KNOW THAT THEY ARE IN FACT

STUFFED.

THEY MIGHT BE LIVE ZEBRAS.

>> I WOULD HOPE THEY'RE STUFFEDIF HE'S GOING TO DO ANYTHING.

( LAUGHTER )I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S AGAINST THE

LAW, BUT I DON'T THINK YOU CANHAVE SEX IN FRONT OF ZEBRAS.

>> YOU CAN'T HAVE SEX IN FRONTOF ZEBRAS?

>> MAYBE-->> I COULD ONLY HAVE SEX IN

FRONT OF ZEBRAS.

>> I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO GOOGLETHAT FACT BEFORE I SAID IT.

BUT, APPARENTLY, JONAH KNOWS.

THIS SEGWAY RIDER.

THE CAPTION SAYS, "WALKING ISFOR THE 99%."

>> OOOH!

>> HASHTAG FORREST GUMP 2014.

>> SEGWAY, FOREST!

SEGWAY!

>> OH, HASHTAG MY OTHER CAR'S ADICK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

( APPLAUSE )>> POINTS.

NEXT ONE, HOW ABOUT THIS CLASSYLADY.

LOOK AT THIS CLASSY LADY.

>> NO, I'M NOT MILEY.

I GET THAT ALL THE TIME, THOUGH.

>> MARONZIO.

>> HASHTAG POOR JUICE.

>> HASHTAG, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

>> WELL, IT'S ABOUT TO BE.

>> HASHTAG PLAN C?

( APPLAUSE )I THINK SHE WAS HOT.

SHE LOOKS AMAZING.

>> LAST ONE, LAST ONE, NOW WEHAVE THIS MENACING FIGURE.

WHAT IS THIS?

SHOULD TH LOOKS LIKE THE OPENINGSEQUENCE FROM "MIAMI VICE."

MARONZIO.

>> HASHTAG LIVE STREAMINGCAPTAIN PHILLIPS.

>> I'LL GIVE YOU POINT FOR THAT.

>> HASHTAG DAKARNOIR.

>> HASHTAG DAKARNOIR.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I SHOWED YOUTHIS PICTURE OF A BAD-ASS

TWO-YEAR-OLD THAT BLEW UP ONIMGUR WITH THE CAPTION, "THIS IS

CARTER. HE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR TOASK IF HE COULD HAVE A BANANA,

THEN LEFT."

I LOVE THIS, YEAH, THERE WAS ACAR IN MY HAT, BECAUSE CARS ARE

( BLEEP ) AWESOME, BITCH!

I ASKED YOU TO MAKE A MEME OFTHIS PHOTO WITH CARTER'S NEXT

BALLER MOVE.

>> LOOKS LIKE ( BLEEP ) JUST GOTREAL. CALL MY MOM.

I NEED TO BE CHANGED.

( APPLAUSE ).

>> NICE, NICE.

EMILY GORDON.

>> ASK FOR SNUGGLES. GETS TOTHIRD BASE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> WHY DON'T YOU MAKE LIKE A

BANANA AND GET IN MY MOUTH.

DAYS AND CONFUSE.

FROM #FOLLOWFRIDAY TO#THROWBACKTHURSDAY TO

#WOMANCRUSHWEDNESDAY THERE ARESO MANY DAYS OF THE TWITTER

WEEK.

COMEDIANS I WANT YOU TO GIVE MEAS MANY NEW TWITTER DAY THEMES

AS POSSIBLE.

YOU GUYS READY?

60 SECONDS AND GO.

>> EMILY.>> BUTT STUFF SUNDAYS.

>> MORNING AFTER PILL SATURDAY.

>> I GUESS I KNOW WHAT FRIDAY'SWAS.

POINTS.

JONAH.

>> HARDWICK DICK PICKWEDNESDAYS.

>> I GUESS I CAN SWITCH IT FROMTUESDAY, SURE, POINTS.

EMILY.

>> CASES OF MONDAYS TUESDAY.

>> YES, POINTS.

MARONZIO.

>> I GOT TO HEAR ABOUT SCANDALFRIDAY

>> OH, POINTS.

>> ATTENTION WHORE TUESDAY --IT'S EVERY DAY.

>> I THINK MY GIRL IS CHEATINGON ME THURSDAY.

I'M JUST TRYING TO FIEND OUTSOMETHING.

>> I'LL GIVE YOU POINT FOR THAT.

JONAH.

>> DOES THIS LOOK LIKE SYPHILISSUNDAYS?

>> POINTS.

JONAH.

>> THIRD NIPPLE THURSDAYS.

( APPLAUSE ).

>> EMILY.

>> FULL PENETRATION FRIDAYS

>> YEAH.

>> FORGIVE ME FOR SATURDAYSUNDAY.

>> YEAH, SATURDAY, SUNDAY,POINTS.

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