Thursday, July 21, 2016

  • 07/21/2016

Ramon Rivas, Dan St. Germain and April Richardson guess what Sarah Palin is up to these days, make #ApocalypseResolutions and catch Pokemon in strange locations.

Next up, incoherentLands' End vulture Sarah Palin,

-uh... the Ala...-(laughter)

the Alaskan rodeo cyborg cameroaring back into the spotlight

to jump on the Trump wagon.

Here she is endorsing himback in January.

Looking around at all of you,you hard-working Iowa families,

you farm families, and...teachers and teamsters

and... cops and cooks,

you rock and rollers,

and holy rollers...

you with the handsthat rock the cradle...

(laughter, shouting)

Total... total courtesy smilefor that.

(like Palin): To all youhands that rock the cradle

and girl interruptedsand single white females

and Jennifer 8,

this is for allthe Rosemary's babies

and the Air Buds

and the big troublein Little Chinas

-(cheering, applause)-and Fridays and Next Fridays,

and especially all you workin'hard down at the road house

by point break.

This campaignwill never die hard!

(laughter, applause, cheering)

Comedians,where is Sarah Palin now?

-April. -I don't know,probably becoming a grandmother

for, like, the ninth time.

Bristol hates condoms!

All right, points. Points.

Uh... up to her tits in pills.

-(laughter)-Points.

Sarah Pillin. Ramon.

Based off of her sweater,Jo-Ann Fabrics.

-Yes, points.-(laughter, whooping, applause)

No.

That's not a...

I'll tell you exactlywhat happened.

A disco ball got loosein Anchorage

and she hunted itand skinned it.

-(laughter)-That is what happened.

-I used every partof the disco ball. -Every part!

It's now timefor the #HashtagWars.

(cheering)

With all that's going onin the world,

from the RNC to Zikato the DNC to Lady Gaga

and Taylor Kinney breaking up,it looks like it's time

to batten downour collective hatches

and prepare for the apocalypse.

It's gonna happen--we might as well just enjoy it.

Survivalists always talkabout survival

in the zombie apocalypse,but even after you put machetes

all up in their undead brains,you still got to live your life.

That is why tonight's hashtagis #ApocalypseResolutions.

Examples might be...

examples might be: Go to warwith Larry over some Pringles,

or: Get out of the bunker more.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-(bell dings)-HARDWICK: Ramon.

Ah, start that newall-Twinkie diet.

HARDWICK:All right, points.

-(bell dings)-HARDWICK: Dan.

Switch over to diet urine.

HARDWICK:All right.

(laughing)

(Hardwick continues laughing)

RICHARDSON:Ew.

Real highbrow over here, Chris.

Also-also known as "Squirt."

(audience laughing, applause)

April.

Become mayor of that cityI started

in that abandoned Walmart.

HARDWICK:Yeah, points.

-(bell dings)-Ramon.

Implement trickle downcannibalism.

HARDWICK:Yes, points.

HARDWICK:Dan.

Be more honestwith the volleyball

I drew a human face on.

HARDWICK:Points.

-(bell dings)-April.

Finally learn to play guitaron that guitar

I made from a human rib cage.

HARDWICK:Points.

-(bell dings)-Dan.

Uh, finish The Good Wife.

Uh... hey, guess what, uh,

a lot of people troll me onlineand I don't give a (bleep),

'cause (bleep) you,I caught a Pikachu today

and I'm super excited about it.

Pika... (bleep) ...chu.

That's a 265 CP-- I'm gonnapower the (bleep) up

with this (bleep).

I'm so excited.

(kissing)

Uh... Pokémon Go is the hot new craze

that forces indoor kidsoutdoors.

I got sunburnedfor the first time ever

catching a Squirtle last week.

The only problemis the GPS-enabled game

can lead youto some pretty (bleep) locations

that you'd normally liketo avoid, like church.

Now, not long ago...

Is that real?

Now, n...

(cheering and applause)

No.

Not long ago,Christians were claiming Pokémon

to be the work of the devil.

Now they're using itto lure kids into church.

How could thispossibly go wrong?

Comedians, I'm gonna show yousome shady locales,

and I would like you to namea Pokémon you'd find there.

First up, this completelyreputable business, Ramon.

A Cold-sore-asaur.

Yeah, points.

Points.

Uh, next up,at this farmers' market. Dan.

Couple-that's-secretly-unhappy-achu.

Points.

Next one.

Sports ball arena, April.

Concuss-asaur?

Yeah, points.

Next up,

what about insidethis Olive Garden, Dan?

"When you're here,you're family,

because you don't havea real one"-achu.