Ramon Rivas, Dan St. Germain and April Richardson guess what Sarah Palin is up to these days, make #ApocalypseResolutions and catch Pokemon in strange locations.
Next up, incoherentLands' End vulture Sarah Palin,
-uh... the Ala...-(laughter)
the Alaskan rodeo cyborg cameroaring back into the spotlight
to jump on the Trump wagon.
Here she is endorsing himback in January.
Looking around at all of you,you hard-working Iowa families,
you farm families, and...teachers and teamsters
and... cops and cooks,
you rock and rollers,
and holy rollers...
you with the handsthat rock the cradle...
Total... total courtesy smilefor that.
(like Palin): To all youhands that rock the cradle
and girl interruptedsand single white females
and Jennifer 8,
this is for allthe Rosemary's babies
and the Air Buds
and the big troublein Little Chinas
-(cheering, applause)-and Fridays and Next Fridays,
and especially all you workin'hard down at the road house
by point break.
This campaignwill never die hard!
(laughter, applause, cheering)
Comedians,where is Sarah Palin now?
-April. -I don't know,probably becoming a grandmother
for, like, the ninth time.
Bristol hates condoms!
All right, points. Points.
Uh... up to her tits in pills.
Sarah Pillin. Ramon.
Based off of her sweater,Jo-Ann Fabrics.
-Yes, points.-(laughter, whooping, applause)
That's not a...
I'll tell you exactlywhat happened.
A disco ball got loosein Anchorage
and she hunted itand skinned it.
-(laughter)-That is what happened.
-I used every partof the disco ball. -Every part!
It's now timefor the #HashtagWars.
With all that's going onin the world,
from the RNC to Zikato the DNC to Lady Gaga
and Taylor Kinney breaking up,it looks like it's time
to batten downour collective hatches
and prepare for the apocalypse.
It's gonna happen--we might as well just enjoy it.
Survivalists always talkabout survival
in the zombie apocalypse,but even after you put machetes
all up in their undead brains,you still got to live your life.
That is why tonight's hashtagis #ApocalypseResolutions.
Examples might be...
examples might be: Go to warwith Larry over some Pringles,
or: Get out of the bunker more.
I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.
-(bell dings)-HARDWICK: Ramon.
Ah, start that newall-Twinkie diet.
HARDWICK:All right, points.
-(bell dings)-HARDWICK: Dan.
Switch over to diet urine.
(Hardwick continues laughing)
Real highbrow over here, Chris.
Also-also known as "Squirt."
(audience laughing, applause)
Become mayor of that cityI started
in that abandoned Walmart.
Implement trickle downcannibalism.
Be more honestwith the volleyball
I drew a human face on.
Finally learn to play guitaron that guitar
I made from a human rib cage.
Uh, finish The Good Wife.
Uh... hey, guess what, uh,
a lot of people troll me onlineand I don't give a (bleep),
'cause (bleep) you,I caught a Pikachu today
and I'm super excited about it.
Pika... (bleep) ...chu.
That's a 265 CP-- I'm gonnapower the (bleep) up
with this (bleep).
I'm so excited.
Uh... Pokémon Go is the hot new craze
that forces indoor kidsoutdoors.
I got sunburnedfor the first time ever
catching a Squirtle last week.
The only problemis the GPS-enabled game
can lead youto some pretty (bleep) locations
that you'd normally liketo avoid, like church.
Now, not long ago...
Is that real?
(cheering and applause)
Not long ago,Christians were claiming Pokémon
to be the work of the devil.
Now they're using itto lure kids into church.
How could thispossibly go wrong?
Comedians, I'm gonna show yousome shady locales,
and I would like you to namea Pokémon you'd find there.
First up, this completelyreputable business, Ramon.
Uh, next up,at this farmers' market. Dan.
Sports ball arena, April.
what about insidethis Olive Garden, Dan?
"When you're here,you're family,
because you don't havea real one"-achu.