Lisa Kushell & Sarah Silverman

  • Season 2, Ep 231
  • 04/06/2004

Special Ed professes his love for spaghetti, and Cammie wants to perform magic tricks.

( phone ringing )

>> Open Air.

>> Hi.

I used one of your hot tubs two

months ago.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> And I just found out that I'm

pregnant, and I am without a

doubt positive that it's from

the hot tub.

>> Um...

( water bubbling )

You're probably going to want to

call and talk to the, like, the

manager.

>> I'm... I need to talk...

I don't... I want to not get off

the phone until I know that

you're going to do the right

thing by this baby.

>> Oh, okay.

Um, do you want me to leave a

note with your name and number

for the manager?

>> Uh... ( sighs )

I'd rather... I mean, a note?

>> Well, just with your name and

number.

>> I'm pregnant.

You know, um...

>> Mm-hmm.

>> I don't know if I want to

leave a note.

I would like to... be reassured

that things are going to be

taken care of.

You know, this is...

>> Uh-uh.

>> If it's not your fault, whose

fault is it?

The sperm fairies?

I don't believe in sperm fairies

anymore.

You know, I was in that hot tub.

>> Uh-uh.

>> And there was clearly,

obviously looking back, semen in

the water that swam up inside

me, into my vagina, up my labia

tubes, into the egg, into the

yolk of the egg, into the

nucleus, into a baby that swam

into my heart.

And now, I love this kid, and I

don't know what to do.

I... You are my baby daddy, and

I want to know that, you know...

>> And you're positive about

everything and all that?

I mean, there's just no doubt?

>> I am 100% positive, and I am

just praying that you do not

have a lot of Mexican customers,

um, customers that are going to

be, you know... featured in my

child's face.

>> One thing I could do is...

>> I would like... I would like

to have the store DNA-tested.

>> Oh.

>> I want the store to raise my

baby.

>> Uh-huh.

>> While I finish college.

I'm going to bartending college.

>> Have you talked to anybody

about this yet?

>> No, I wanted you guys to be

the first to know, but I-I think

that... Open Air hot tubbing

should do the right thing and

marry me.

>> Well, um, I can take down

your name and your number.

>> Have you ever been

impregnated by a hot tub?

>> No.

>> You know, I don't want people

to tease him.

I don't want them to call him

"Tubby."

"Hot Tubby."

Or if he's fat, you know.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> And I'm... I don't want it

to... I know because you do have

a high level of chlorine... and

I just hope that it doesn't do

anything to my baby

( voice cracking ): unless it's

superpowers, you know.

>> Can you just call back first

thing in the morning?

>> Well, I've been having a lot

of morning sickness.

I'm vomiting a lot and I'm

having a lot of dia.

>> Okay, I-I can't go...

You know, I can't... I...

You're going to have to call

Diane in the morning, okay?

Go ahead and call back.

>> Okay, but I want to organize

the birth to be in the hot tub

that impregnated me.

>> Are you sure you're not crank

calling?

( kazoo playing theme song )

♪ Doh, doh, doh, doh ♪

♪ Doh, doh, doh, doh, doh ♪

Doh, doh, doh, doh, doh, doh. ♪

( phone ringing )

( sneezes )

>> Good afternoon.

...

>> Hi, who's this?

>> Hi, this is Tracy.

>> Hi, Tracy.

This is Ed.

>> Hi, Ed.

How are you?

>> Good.

How are you?

>> I'm really good.

>> That's good, mister.

Do you have spaghetti?

>> Yes, we have tons of

spaghetti.

>> Yay!

Yay, I love spaghetti!

Yay!

>> Yes, I love spaghetti, too.

>> You do? Yay!

I love spaghetti more than you

do.

>> You don't love spaghetti more

than I do.

>> Yes, I do.

Yay! I love spaghetti!

I eat it every day.

>> You eat spaghetti every day?

>> Every day!

>> You are kidding me.

>> No, I love spaghetti.

Yay!

Yay!

>> Me, too.

>> I like spaghetti more than

you do.

>> I don't think so.

>> Yes, I do.

>> Okay, I bet you do.

>> Yay!

I love spaghetti!

Do you have spaghetti?

>> Yes, we have tons of

spaghetti.

>> Yay!

Yay!

I love spaghetti! Yay!

>> You better hurry in and get

your spaghetti, okay?

>> Yay!

Do you have spaghetti?

Do you have spaghetti?

>> Yes, we do.

>> Yay!

Yay!

You say it now.

You go.

>> ( chuckling ): No.

>> Yes.

>> No.

>> You said you love spaghetti,

then you tell me how much you

love spaghetti.

>> I-I love spaghetti so much.

>> Tell me, yell-yell that you

love spaghetti.

>> I can't yell "I love

spaghetti."

>> Yes, you do.

You said you love it.

If you love it so much, you'll

yell like me.

Yay!

>> Yay, I love spaghetti.

>> Ya...

Louder.

>> No, I can't.

>> Yes, go louder!

I do it loud! Yay!

>> No, I can't say it louder.

>> Come on, mister, mister,

mister...

>> Can you hold on for a moment?

>> No. Mister, just one time,

say "Spa... I love spaghetti"

loud.

>> I love spaghetti.

>> Yay!

>> Can you please hold?

>> Do you have spaghetti?

>> I do.

>> Yay!

>> One moment, please.

>> Yay. Yay!

I love spaghetti!

>> Thanks for holding, can I

help you?

>> Spaghetti! Spaghetti!

Spaghetti! Spaghetti! Spaghetti!

Spaghetti! Pisghetti! Pisghetti!

Pisghetti! Skasketti!

Spedieddies! Spaghetti!

Spaghetti! Spaghettis!

Spaghetti!

>> Sir, is there something I can

help you with?

>> Yes.

>> Okay, then we need to do

that.

>> Okay, do you have spaghetti?

>> Yes, we do.

>> Yay! Spaghetti! Spaghetti!

Spaghetti! Spaghetti!

Skabetties! Skabetties!

I want to come in tomorrow, me

and my puppy, and we're going to

eat spaghetti! Spaghetti!

Spaghetti!

>> Okay, we'll see you tomorrow.

>> Spaghetti! W... Nurse?

>> Yes?

>> Do you have spaghetti?

>> Yes, we do.

>> Yay! Spaghetti! Spaghetti!

>> We'll see you tomorrow.

>> Spaghetti! Spaghetti!

Spaghetti! Yay!

>> Thanks.

( hang up )

>> Spaghetti! Spaghetti!

Spaghetti!

Spaghetti...

( choking )

( high-pitched tone )

( electronic zapping )

>> ( refined accent ):

Spaghetti.

Spaghetti.

( high-pitched tone )

( electronic zapping )

>> ( normal voice ): Spaghetti!

Spaghetti! Spaghetti!

Spaghetti! Yay! Spaghetti!

( phone ringing )

>> Good afternoon, Anthony's

Reporter and K.F. Printing.

>> Oh, good, you're there.

( tapping )

Okay, hi, my name's Ken Rosner,

and, uh, I'm calling about a

potential, uh, breaking story.

>> Okay.

>> Okay, uh, are you familiar

with O.C.D.?

>> Mm-hmm.

>> Well, here's what's

happening.

This morning, um, usually when I

go out of my door, I go through

it four times-- it's part of the

disorder-- and then I tap the

door jamb five times.

I know it sounds crazy, but it's

just something that I have to

do.

Um, well, this morning, I-I went

out, uh, four times, but I

didn't tap the jamb five times

because I got a phone call from

my brother, and, uh, and I can't

subtract ten taps from the

original eight taps, you know?

So, um, anyway, last time that I

did that, something bad

happened, and I just wanted to

make sure that, you know,

nothing was going to happen this

time.

If you just put a "heads-up" to

the people in your paper, you

know, just get it out there?

>> How do you want to do this?

>> You'll need to stop the

presses right now.

>> Well, there's nothing I can

do about it.

>> Okay, could you just tap the

phone for me five times, please?

Just real quick.

>> ( taps five times )

>> Okay, thanks; and then hit

the pound sign.

( pound sign beeps )

Okay, thanks.

Um, yeah, so, anyway, I want to

get this out because I-I'm just,

you know, I don't want to feel

responsible.

>> But I can't put something in

the paper just because of

foreshadowing or somebody thinks

something's going to happen.

>> But I don't think it, because

last time I didn't do, I didn't

tap it five times, and, you

know, and then there's like a

57, you know, car pile-up in

Maine, and I think people

deserve to know.

>> Ken, I need to put you on

hold a second.

I have to answer another phone.

>> Okay.

( tapping )

Come on, pick up the phone, pick

up the phone.

>> Ken, are you still there?

>> Yeah; oh, thank God you're

back.

Thank God.

Okay, okay, so, is there

something I can do?

Can I write an article or

something and send it in and

you put it in the paper?

>> The only way I can put it in

the paper...

>> Hang on, hang on.

( tapping )

Okay.

>> The only way I can put it in

the paper, Ken, is if you want

to pay for an ad and put it in

the ad.

>> It's not even that-- I think

the public deserves to know.

>> Like I said, you can come in

and do a paid ad, and we can

put...

>> C-C-Can you, five, five and a

pound, please?

>> But this is...

>> Five and a pound, please?

>> This is the last time.

( tapping )

>> And a pou...

( pound sign beeps )

Okay, okay, one other thing.

Um, what happened to Andy Capp

in the paper?

>> I have no idea.

>> And, um, okay, just five more

times and a pound, and then we

could, uh, just continue on.

>> Well, no, we can't continue

on, Ken.

I'd really like to help you,

but...

>> Whoa, whoa, whoa.

( tapping five times )

Okay, I'm sorry.

I... This is worse than

Tourette's Syndrome.

>> I'm sorry, Ken, there's

nothing I can do to help you.

>> Are your hands clean?

>> Well, no, my hands probably

aren't clean because I've been

handling newspaper print all

day.

>> And you have print on your

hands?

>> Always.

>> Oh, my God.

Is there anyone else I could

talk to there that doesn't have

print on their hands?

>> Ken, I'm hanging up.

Good-bye.

>> Before you hang up, just

tap...

( dial tone )

( blubbering )

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