We Be Ballin'

  • Season 1, Ep 2
  • 04/13/2011

The guys will stop at nothing to get tickets to a sold-out basketball game.

- FUR SURE.

- HO-HO!LOOKIN' STRAIGHT GRIZZLY.

- BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY!

- OH. OOH. BEAR PUNS.I LIKE THOSE.

- DUDE, I CAN'T BELIEVEYOU SPENT YOUR ENTIRE PAYCHECK

ON THAT JACKET.

- WELL, I DIDN'T SPENDMY ENTIRE PAYCHECK.

I MADE $350 AND CARL GAVE MEA DEAL ON THE COAT.

$345.- THAT'S GOOD.

THAT'S A GOOD DEAL.- SO YOU SAVED FIVE BUCKS.

WAY TO GO.

- WELL, I INVESTED MY SAVINGS

IN A LITTLE BOTTLE OF IPECAC.

IT'S THE STUFFTHAT MAKES YOU BARF.

- SMART MOVE.

- BASICALLYA GET-OUT-OF-WORK-FREE PASS.

- YEAH, IT MAKES YOU BARF,DUDE.

'CAUSE NOTHING MAKES ME BARF.IT'S WEIRD.

I'VE GOT A STOMACH OF STEEL.

- ADAM, SCIENTISTSDEVELOPED THAT.

IT WOULD MAKE YOU VOMIT.

- BECAUSE SCIENTISTS MADE THIS.- YEAH.

- WHO BELIEVESIN SCIENTISTS, DUDE?

LET ME GIVE THISA LITTLE TESTEROO.

HMM. THAT'S WEIRD.

DEFINITELY DON'T FEELLIKE BARFING RIGHT NOW.

OH, WAIT. UGH!NO, I'M BARFING.

UGH! I'M BARFING RIGHT NOW.I'M NOT BARFING.

- OKAY.- WAIT I'M BARFING.

UGH! I'M BARFING.

THOSE SCIENTISTS BETTER CHECKTHEIR HYPOTENUSES, DUDE.

OH, GOD.

SHORTEST TO TALLEST.

MAKE ME LOOK COOL, PLEASE?

- COURSE.- DO MY BEST.

- ALL RIGHT.

WHO ARE THOSE OLD DUDES?

- CAN YOU TOUCH YOUR ELBOWSBEHIND YOUR BACK?

- SWEETIE, NO.

- WHY DON'T YOU GO GET1980s JOCK STYLE

ON THOSE DUDES, PLEASE.

- ALL RIGHT.- THANK YOU.

OOHOO HOO, DERS EFFECT.

- CAN I HELP YOU?

- YEAH, YOU CAN GET MEANOTHER BEER.

- HA HA. ACTUALLY, WE CAN'TBECAUSE WE RAN OUT OF BEERS

TEN MINUTES AGO.

SO WHY DON'T YOU GUYSTELL THAT STORY WALKIN',

CHRISTOPHER.

HO HO HO HO!YEAH. SLAM.

WHAT'S UP, CHELSE?

- FYI, JERK-OFF,WE LIVED IN THIS HOUSE

FROM '88 TO '92 SO WE'VE GOTA LIFETIME PARTY PASS.

YOU KNOW THE DEAL.BEER IT UP.

- ALL RIGHT, I DON'T THINKYOU GET IT, GRANDPA.

- NO?- I SWAM VARSITY IN COLLEGE.

I WENT 20 POINTIN THE 50, OKAY?

- MM-HMM.- I CAN FIGHT WITHOUT BREATHING.

- YEAH. AND I TRIED OUT

FOR THE HIGH SCHOOLWRESTLING TEAM.

AND GUESS WHAT,I ALMOST MADE IT TOO.

BUT THEY SAID BEING A MASCOTWAS MORE MY SKILL SET.

[stomps foot]GO PATRIOTS. RIGHT?

- SO WHEN YOU GUYSARE 69ING IT,

DOES CAPTAIN CAVEMANCRANK IT IN THE CORNER?

- OHO HO HO, OKAY.

IF WE DO THIS,THERE'S GONNA TWO HITS.

ME HITTING YOU

AND KID ROCK'S BAWITDABAPLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.

DERS, YOU HAVE THAT CUED UP,RIGHT?

- YEAH.- MM-HMM.

CLIPPERS TICKETS.FREE FREE FREE!

- CLIPPERS TICKETS? AY, CARAMBA. YES!

[man speaking Spanish]

- HELLO, AMIGO.WHAT'S THE DEAL?

- IT'S A CONTESTTO WIN CLIPPER TICKETS

AND A GIFT CARDAT JAMBA JUICE.

YOU EVER HAVE THAT RAZZMATAZZWITH THAT IMMUNITY BOOST?

- OKAY, SORRY, UM,WHAT'S THE CONTEST?

- WHOEVER HOLDS THEIR BREATHTHE LONGEST

IN THAT HORCHATA TANK WINS.

[man speaking Spanish]

- CAN'T BELIEVE YOU KEEPYOUR SPEEDO IN THE TRUNK, DUDE.

- YEAH, WELL, NEVER KNOWWHEN THERE MIGHT BE

A SWIM-ERGENCY.- OOH. I LIKE THAT.

- WAIT A SECOND,SO WHAT IS HORCHATA, EXACTLY?

- IT'S LIKE A REFRESHINGMEXICAN LEMONADE.

OH. NO, NO, NO. THIS IS NOTWHAT I THOUGHT IT WAS.

OH, MY--SMELLS LIKE--THAT SMELLS LIKE CAT FARTS.

THAT SMELLS EXACTLY LIKEA CAT'S FART.

YOUR TIME TO SHINE.PHYSICAL CHALLENGE.

- I DON'T THINK I WANTTO DO IT ANYMORE.

- OH, COME ON.YOU GOT THIS, BOY. YEAH!

- LET'S GO, DERS.- ESCALADE. ESCALADE.

ESCALADE. ESCALADE.WHEW.

- HEY, HEY, COMO TE LLAMAS?

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?- ANDERS HOLMVICK.

- AHAI! LET'S GIVE IT UPFOR ANDREAS!

- YEAH!- YEAH! ANDREAS! YEAH!

- YEAH!- ANDREAS, LET'S GO!

- [retches] OH, MY GOD.

- 20 POINT. COME ON, BUD.YOU GOT THIS!

- I NEVER WENT 20 POINT.- SUCK IT UP, DUDE!

MY THIRD LOVE'S ON THE LINE.LET'S GO!

- SHE DIDN'T EVEN KNOWYOU EXISTED.

- DID THE WORLD KNOWLUDACRIS COULD ACT?

- WHAT?- HUH? 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS, BRO.

HE MURDERED IT.START THE CLOCK. START IT.

- GO, DERS!- WHAT'S THE TIME TO BEAT?

- HEY, YOU CAN'T HOLD HIM UNDER,GRINGO.

THAT'S AGAINST THE RULES.- OKAY.

- ARE YOU CRAZY?- CRAZY IN LOVE, ANDERS.

BLAKE, LET'S GO!- WHAT--WHAT ABOUT--?

- BLAKE, YOU'RE MY BEST FRIENDIN THE WORLD

AND I NEED YOU HEREWITH ME NOW. LET'S GO!

- HELLO?[dog barks]

[crowds cheering on TV]

HO HO.[rubbing hands together]

OH, YEAH, BABY.OH, YEAH. YEAH!

- YO, BLAKE.WHICH PUKA SHELL NECKLACE?

CLASSIC? SHARK TOOTH?- I DON'T KNOW.

- DID YOU GET THE TICKETS?- I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

- WHAT HAPPENED?

- LOOK, I DIDN'T GETTHE TICKETS, OKAY?

- LOOK AT ME.

JESUS. YOU SAW DICK,DIDN'T YOU?

DIDN'T YOU?- YEAH.

IT WAS MONTEZ'S.AND HE SAW ME.

AND THERE WAS A LOT OF SCREAMINGAND RUNNING AND I JUST--

- SHHHHHH. IT'S OKAY.IT'S OKAY, BRO.

WHO CARES? GET IN HERE.

WE'VE ALL SEEN PENISES

WE WEREN'T SUPPOSEDTO SEE, RIGHT?

WHEN I WAS IN THE BOY SCOUTS,

I ACCIDENTALLY SAWRYAN COE'S PENIS

ON A CANOEING TRIP.

- REALLY?- YEAH.

I COULDN'T LOOK AT HIM.HE COULDN'T LOOK AT ME.

WE WERE BEST FRIENDS, BRO,AND WE COULDN'T EVEN BE

IN THE SAME ROOM TOGETHER.

YOU KNOW WHY?- WHY?

- 'CAUSE THERE WAS AN IMBALANCEIN OUR RELATIONSHIP.

- SO WHAT'D YOU DO?- I FOUND A BALANCE, DUDE.

I SHOWED THAT KID MY PENIS

AND RESTORED ORDERTO THE UNIVERSE.

IT'S CALLED THE BOY SCOUTRULE OF "D"s.

AND IT ALWAYS WORKS.

YOU'VE GOT TO SHOW MONTEZYOUR PENIS.

- THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSETO ME.

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