Week of 1/7/2013 - Lampanelli, Jeselnik, Lee

  • Season 2, Ep 1
  • 01/08/2013

Lisa Lampanelli, Anthony Jeselnik and Bobby Lee lampoon a Korean toilet-based theme park; Jeff doles out New Year's resolutions from his Roaster Coaster.

>> IT IS THE BURN.

TONIGHT BOBBY LEE.

>> [APPLAUSE]

>> WOW.

>> THE BURN IS BACK EVERYBODY.

ROASTING THE WORLD ONCE AGAIN

AND I MISSED YOU GUYS SO MUCH.

SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED SINCE WE

WERE LAST ON THE AIR.

I CAN'T STRESS THIS ENOUGH.

STAY AND - SPAY AND NEWTURE

YOUR KARDASHIANS.

I AM SERIOUS.

IT IS SPREADING.

CONGRATULATIONS TO OUR PALS KIM

AND KANYE WHO ARE EXPECTING IT

IS TOUGH TO DELIVER BECAUSE IT

IS A BLACK) [BLEEP] IN THE

BIRTH CANAL.

SHE WILL BE EATING TONS OF ICE

CREAM AND CAN YETHAT IS HER

SISTER KHLOE.

YES.

OF COURSE, KIM'S EX, KRIS

HUMPHREYS WILL BE JEALOUS WHEN

HE LEARNS HOW THE BABIES ARE

MADE.

[APPLAUSE]

HILL BILLIES ARE ALL PISSED OFF

THEY ARE FEELING

DISENFRANCHISED OFF.

THE NEW REALITY SHOW AND GROUP

OF NINE FRIENDS.

SNOOKI WILL BE REPLACED BY AN

ACTUAL PIG.

[APPLAUSE]

IT IS IN THE JERSEY SHORE.

THE SITUATION THEY HAVE TO DEAL

WITH IS INCEST.

AND ONE WEST VIRGINIA CRITIC

GAVE IT THREE THUMBS UP.

BLEEP).

YOU GET IT.

PEOPLE WORRY ABOUT THE ALCOHOL

CONSUMPTION IN THE SHOW AND THE

LEGAL DRINKING AGE IN WEST

VIRGINIA IS PREGNANT, RIGHT?

[APPLAUSE]

AND PHILADELPHIA HAS AN STD

EPIDEMIC.

52 HIGH SCHOOLS HAVE INSTALLED

CONDOM DISPENSER.

ONE IN EIGHT TESTED POSITIVE

FOR CLAMYDIA OR GONORRHEA.

PROBABLY THE ONLY (BLEEP) TEST

THEY CAN PASS.

HEY, PHILADELPHIA, IF YOU WANT

YOUR KIDS TO WEAR CONDOMS, SHOW

THEM THE MOVIE PHILADELPHIA.

[APPLAUSE]

OH, YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS

ONE AND THERE ARE REPORTS THAT

JUSTIN BIEBER IS SMOKING WEED

DAY OR NIGHT.

WE CAN GET BEHIND HIM, AM I

RIGHT, PEOPLE?

SUPPORT GUY.

HE'S STRESSED OUT OVER THE

BREAK UP WITH CELINA GOMEZ

MAINLY BECAUSE HE NEEDS TO FIND

ANOTHER MEXICAN TO BUY HIS WEED

FROM.

>> WHAT'S UP, MEXICAN?

A LOT OF MEXICANS HERE.

THE BEIB WAS STONED.

I WISH HE WOULD DO HEROIN SO HE

WOULD DO A DECENT STONE.

I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH POT HE

SMOKES, 420 IS STILL HIS NAP

TIME.

IT IS RIDICULOUS.

HONDY HAS INTRODUCED A CAR

TARGETED FOR FEMALE DRIVERS.

>> YEAH, THIS IS THE REAL

THING.

ONCE A MONTH THE GPS WILL

REFUSE TO GIVE YOU DIRECTIONS.

WE HAVE OTHER GREAT FEATURES.

SEATS AND MIRRORS CAN REMEMBER

THEIR LAST --

HERE IS THE BURN.

TONIGHT BOBBY LEE AND JEFF

THEY CAN STING TO.

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION.

HOW ARE YOU DOING.

>> I AM FINE.

>> WHAT WAS YOUR NEW YEAR'S

REDS LUSION.

>> SAME AS LAST YEAR.

TO LOSE WEIGHT.

>> YOU LOOK FABULOUS.

YOU LOOK LIKE A CHOCOLATE M&M.

CAN I GIVE YOU'S RESOLUTION.

STOP DRESSING LIKE A RAPPER.

HAVE YOU STUCK TO YOUR NEW

YEAR'S RESOLUTION.

>> MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION IS

TO BE GRATEFUL.

>> CAN I GIVE YOU A NEW YEAR'S

RESOLUTION.

TELL YOUR PLASTIC SURGEON TO

SEE AN EYE DOCTOR.

>> I AM A NATURAL BEAUTY.

>> THINK ABOUT ME WHEN YOU ARE

HAVING A THREE-WAY TONIGHT.

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION TO BE TO

STAY IN SCHOOL.

>> WE ARE NOT IN SCHOOL.

>> THEN DON'T TALK TO

STRANGERS.

>> OH, MY GOD, DOES THAT HURT?

WHAT IS YOUR NEW YEAR'S

RESOLUTION.

SMOKING SOUNDS LE NUMBER 8.

HERE'S NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION

AND SPEND MORE TIME WITH FAMILY

AND MOVE CLOSER TO THE PRISON.

>> OH, I GOT THAT.

>> AND I THINK YOUR RIDE IS

HERE.

HAVE YOU BEEN KEEPING YOUR NEW

YEAR'S RESOLUTION?

>> YES.

>> WHAT IS IT?

>> THE PARADE --

>> THE WHAT?

>> YOU HAVE ANY NEW YEAR'S

RESOLUTION AND LIKE THINGS

ABOUT YOURSELF THAT YOU WANT TO

MAKE BETTER?

>> YES, I WANT TO FEEL MUCH

MORE BETTER.

>> AND I WILL GIVE YOU A NEW

YEAR'S RESOLUTION.

>> OKAY.

>> ENGLISH LESSONS.

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

[APPLAUSE]

PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND LISA

AND ANTHONY.

AND THEIR ADOPTION BABY BOBBY

LEE.

>> YEAH.

[APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHING]

MAYBE YOUR RESOLUTION CAN BE TO

DRESS NICER.

>> O, I HAVE A RESOLUTION.

>> WHAT IS IT.

I AM FIVE FOOT TWO AND ASIAN

AND MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION IS

TO PAT MYSELF ON THE BACK.

>> I DON'T NEED IT >> YEAH.

MARGET SHOWED THAT.

I DIDN'T KNOW THEY HAD A BABY

GAP IN KOREA.

YES, IT IS FANTASTIC IF YOU

DATE YOUNG BROADS OR YOU ARE

([BLEEP]) APPROXIMATE UGAM I

RIGHT.

THAT IS THE LAST TIME I CAN SEE

HAIR THAT NAPPY, I WAS GIVING

SNOOKI A PAP SMEAR.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

>> I FEEL YOU TAKE PUBLIC

SPEAKING LESSONS FROM THE

MUPPETS.

[LAUGHING]

>> ROD STEWART AND MARTHA

STEWART HAD A BABY.

>> THEY ARE THE ONLY PERSON I

KNOW WHO NEEDS TWO HOURS OF

PRIMPING TO JUST LOOK HOMELESS.

>> I FEEL LIKE I AM WATCHING MY

PARENTS FIGHT AND MY PARENTS

SUCK.

>> I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING NICE

ABOUT ANTHONY.

YOU ARE TALL AND FUNNY AND

HANDSOME.

YOU ARE ORIGINAL.

HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE TO DIE

BEFORE YOU ARE A STAR.

I KNOW.

THAT IS MY FAVORITE JOKE OF THE

SEASON.

>> ANTHONY THAT IS A SPECIAL.

>> THAT IS SUNDAY NIGHT.

YOU ARE LAUGHING TOO HARD.

IT IS AN HOUR LONG.

CUTELL MORE JOKES.

I AM NOT LIKE YOU.

>> IT IS THE SAME POOR JOKES.

[LAUGHING]

>> THANK YOU.

>> DID I TELL YOU HOW HANDSOME

THIS GUY IS.

EVERY TIME I LOOK AT HIM.

I GET THE BIRD FLU.

AWESOME.

RIGHT AWAY.

I HAVE SARS.

THEY ARE DIFFERENT.

THEY ARE DIFFERENT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO MOVE FROM

BEHIND.

PEOPLE CAN SEE YOU.

LISA, YOU HAVE A SHOW UP AT THE

APOLLO.

THAT IS AWESOME.

BOBBY, YOU CAN FIND BOBBY ON

TWITTER.

[LAUGHING].

AND NO ONE ASKED A QUESTION

YET.

>> WELCOME BACK.

WHAT IS NEXT.

IT IS OVER 300,000 PEOPLE

SIGNED UP THE POITITION IN

WESTBORO HATE GROUP.

THAT IS MORE THAN SIGNED THE

WHITE HOUSE PETITION EVER.

>> IT IS ALWAYS HIDING AROUND

THE FIRST AMENDMENT.

YOU GREW UP IN A HATE GROUP.

I HATE THE WESTBORO BAPTIST

CHURCH ALMOST AS MUCH AS I HATE

ANY OTHER CHURCH.

IT IS TRUE, JEFF.

THEY SHOULD CHANGE IT TO CHURCH

OF LATTER DAY TAINTS.

>> IT IS AN AREA BETWEEN YOUR

(BLEEP) AND YOUR (BLEEP)

THESE PEOPLE PROTEST MILITARY

FUNERALINGS.

>> EVIL.

>> AND THEY EVEN PROTESTED IN

THE NEWTOWN FUNERALS.

>> AND THE HELLS ANGELS BLOCKED

THEM.

[LAUGHING]

IT IS REALLY FUNNY, DANIEL.

THANKS, DOCTOR.

ANYWAY, I WENT THERE TO

WESTBORO.

>> YOU DID?

>> YES.

IT IS ABOUT TWO HOURS FROM

WHERE I SPEND CHRISTMAS WITH MY

GIRLFRIEND'S FAMILY AND

E-MAILED THE HATERS AND TOLD

THEM I WAS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

AND I WAS GOING TO GO THERE AND

DO MY PROTEST AND HERE'S WHAT

HAPPENED.

PRAY FOR ME.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

HERE WE ARE.

CHRISTMAS IN THE WESTBORO

BAPTIST CHURCH.

I AM REALLY FLATTERED YOU GUYS

MADE A SIGN FOR ME.

>> YOU KNOW.

>> YOU ARE A FAG PIMP.

YOU ARE A FAG ENABLER.

PIMP IS LIKE COMMON VENACULAR

FOR A ENABLER.

>> I WILL TAKE IT AS A

COMPLIMENT.

>> YOU WOULD.

>> WHO IS YOUR BUDDY.

>> SAM.

>> HOW LONG HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN

DATING?

>> WE NEVER DATED.

>> THE FACT THAT WE ARE HAVING

A CONVERSATION.

WE CAN TELL YOU AND THE FILTHY

AUDIENCE GOD HATES FAGS AND HE

WRITES JEFF ROSS, AND HE

HARDENS YOUR HEART.

>> I WAS UP ALL NIGHT WRITING

JOKES.

WESTBORO.

YOU ARE EXERCISING YOUR FIRST

AMENDMENT AND I WISH YOU WOULD

EXERCISE YOUR FIFTH AMENDMENT

RIGHTS AND REMAIN SILENT.

THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

EXERCISING YOUR FIRST.

ONLY EXERCISE YOU GUYS GET.

LOOK AT YOU.

>> HEY LAUGHED.

HE HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR.

>> IT IS THE 22ND AMENDMENT AND

LIMIT YOU TO TWO TERMS.

THOSE ARE (BLEEP)

>> AMERICAN SOLDIERS DIED FOR

YOUR RIGHT TO PROTEST FUNERALS.

RETURN THE FAVOR AND DIE, GET

IT.

HOW DO YOU FEEL TO KNOW YOU ARE

MOST HATE THAT INCLUDES MADEA'S

FAMILY?

>> JUST LET YOU KNOW.

MOST PEOPLE WHO PROTEST.

EVERYBODY IS OPPOSED TO WHAT WE

BELIEVE.

BUT YOU ARE A PRETTY NICE GUY.

I APPRECIATE IT (BLEEP BLEEP).

THANK YOU TO LISA, ANTHONY AND

BOBBY.

LISTEN, GO TO THE BURN BLOG AND

FIND OUT WHERE THEY PERFORM

NEXT AND HOW YOU CAN SIGN THE

PETITION TO LABEL WESTBORO A

HATE GROUP.

STICK AROUND.

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