CC Presents: Bonnie McFarlane

  • Season 12, Ep 11
  • 02/14/2008

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I-- I SHOULDN'T SAY "JUST."IT WAS LIKE TWO HOURS AGO.

STILL A LITTLE HIGH ON PERCOCET,SO FORGIVE ME.

BUT SHE IS SO PERFECT.SHE IS REALLY-- YOU KNOW,

WHICH ISWHAT A LOAD-OFF, REALLY.

BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE PREGNANT,SO MANY THINGS CAN GO WRONG

AND IT'S VERY STRESSFUL.YOU KNOW WE HAD AN ULTRASOUND,

BUT AN ULTRASOUNDCAN'T TELL YOU EVERYTHING.

SO WHEN SHE WAS BORN,MY HUSBAND AND I WERE JUST

SO THRILLED AND RELIEVED,YOU KNOW, THAT SHE WAS WHITE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- WE'RE GONNA KEEP HER.- [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

WHEN YOU'RE PREGNANTPEOPLE JUST FEEL LIKE

THEY CAN COME UP ANDGIVE YOU UNSOLICITED ADVICE.

AND WHEN I WAS LIKENINE MONTHS PREGNANT,THIS WOMAN CAME UP

AND SHE SAID, "I HAVEONE WORD FOR YOU: EPIDURAL."

AND I WAS LIKE,"OH, MY GOD. THANKS.

BUT WE ALREADY PICKED A NAME."YOU KNOW-- I MEAN, "EPIDURAL"?

WHAT IS THAT, GERMAN?IT'S TERRIBLE.

WE WENT WITHTHE NAME KATRINA. YEAH.

- Woman: AW!- YEAH. YEAH.

TO COMMEMORATETHE TRAGIC EVENTS OF 1651,

QUEEN KATRINAOF THE NETHERLANDS.I THINK EVERYBODY'S

FAMILIAR WITH THE STORY.I'M NOT GONNA GO INTO IT.

[LAUGHTER]

WHEN I WAS PREGNANT,STRANGERS WOULD COME UPAND WANNA TOUCH MY BELLY

SO THEY COULD FEEL THE BABY.WHICH MADE ME SO UNCOMFORTABLE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THESE CREEPYFETUS MOLESTERS WERE THINKING,

YOU KNOW, THAT THEY COULD DOTHIS RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. GOD!

WAIT UNTILSHE'S OLD ENOUGH TO HAVEA MYSPACE PAGE,

FOR GOD SAKES.GIVE HER A FIGHTING CHANCE!

[LAUGHTER]

BUT UM-- I WAS VERY PROTECTIVEOF MY BABY IN UTERO.

RIGHT NOW,SHE'S WITH THE JANITOR. BUT--

WHEN SHE WAS IN MY BELLY,I WAS REALLY CAREFUL ABOUT

WHAT I ATE, AND WHAT I DRANK.YOU KNOW, NO ALCOHOL,

BECAUSE WHEN YOU DRINK,YOUR BABY DRINKS.

AND IT'S SO DANGEROUS,YOU KNOW, FOR THE DEVELOPMENT

OF YOUR BABYWHEN SHE'S IN YOUR WOMB.

SO I DIDN'T HAVE ANY ALCOHOLTHROUGHOUT MY ENTIRE PREGNANCY.

BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,THE MINUTE SHE WAS BORN,

I GOT HER ALL THESELITTLE AIRLINE BOTTLES.AND SHE JUST LOVED 'EM.

- YEAH, SHE...- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE'S SUCH A GOOD BABY.

SHE ALREADY SLEEPSTHROUGH THE NIGHT.

TWO LEMON GINS, SHE IS OUT.[CHUCKLES] SO...

IT'S SUCH A GREAT TIMETO HAVE A BABY.

'CAUSE EVERYBODY'S HAVING BAB--BABIES ARE SO HOT RIGHT NOW.

EVERYBODY'S-- BABIES--THEY'RE NOT JUST FORPUERTO RICANS ANYMORE.

- HA-- YEAH, SO... YES.- [CHEERS, OH'S & APPLAUSE]

I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLEARE REALIZING THEY DON'T

HAVE TO START A FAMILYTHE OLD FASHIONED WAY.

YOU KNOW,GETTING ROOFIEDAT A PARTY.

THEY'RE SAYING TO THEMSELVES,"HEY, WE HAVE OPTIONS.

WE COULD ADOPT.OR WE COULD ABDUCT."

[LAUGHTER]

ISN'T IT WEIRD THATANYONE WOULD STEAL A BABY?

THAT IS SO CRAZY TO ME,THAT ANYONE WOULD STEAL A--

WHEN THEY ARESO EASY TO MAKE.

I DID IT IN THE FRONTINSTEAD OF THE BACK ONE TIME.NINE MONTHS LATER, KATRINA.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S DIRTY.THAT'S DIRTY.

NOT EVERYONE CAN MAKE--I GUESS THERE'S KINDA THIS

PHENOMENON GOING ON RIGHT NOW,THERE'S ALL THESE

UPPER MIDDLE CLASS WOMENTHAT DESPERATELY, DESPERATELY

WANNA HAVE BABIESBUT THEY CAN'T CONCEIVE.

AND NOBODY REALLY UNDERSTANDSWHY THAT IS.

AND IT'S ACTUALLY,IT'S VERY SAD, YOU KNOW.

BUT LIKE WHAT I DON'T GETIS LIKE THERE'S ALL THESE

CRACK WHORESHAVING UNWANTED BAB--AND BY "CRACK WHORES,"

I DON'T MEANREALLY GOOD WHORES.YOU KNOW, I MEAN,

THEY'RE ON THE PIPE,THOSE ONES.

BUT THEY'RE HAVINGALL THESE UNWANTED--

WHY DON'T THESE RICH WOMENWHO REALLY WANNA HAVE KIDS--

WHY DON'T THEY TRYSMOKING CRACK, RIGHT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YES, EXACTLY.IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME

BEFORE THE FDA APPROVES ITAS A FERTILITY DRUG.

THEN THE PRICE OF CRACKIS GONNA SKYROCKET.

I SORTA WISH NOWTHAT I HAD HAD TWINS.BECAUSE THEN

I COULD SELL ONE.MAKE SOME REAL CASH.

I HAVE AN IDENTICAL TWIN SISTER.AND-- SHE IS SMOKIN' HOT.

WOW, IT'S CRAZY.I'M NOT KIDDIN' AROUND.

IT'S SICK.IT'S LIKE LOOKIN' IN A MIRROR.

[LAUGHTER, CATCALLS & APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOWWHAT I'D DO WITHOUT HER.I REALLY DON'T.

WE'RE SO CLOSE.OBVIOUSLY, WE'RE VERY SIMILAR.

WE LOOK THE SAME.WE SOUND THE SAME.

WE HAVE THE EXACT SAMESENSE OF HUMOR.

THE ONLY THING THAT'SDIFFERENT ABOUT US IS THAT

SHE'S ON THE WAITING LISTFOR A NEW KIDNEY

AND I HAVETWO PERFECTLY HEALTHY ONES.

- SO...- [LAUGHTER]

I'M NOT GONNA GETMIXED UP IN HER DRAMA.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I WOULD NEVER DONATE AN ORGAN.I JUST THINK IT'S TACKY.

IT'S LIKE REGIFTING...NO.

[LAUGHTER]

MY SISTER LOVES THAT JOKE.SHE'S HERE TONIGHT.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE.SHE'S PROBABLY IN THETOP BALCONY SOMEWHERE.

BUT SHE'S VERY SUPPORTIVE.AND IF YOU SEE HER,

YOU'LL KNOWIT'S HER IMMEDIATELY.

SHE'S GOT ADIALYSIS MACHINE. SO...

[LAUGHTER]

OOH, CONNIE, WAY TO GO.SHE'S OUT AND ABOUT.

PROBABLY MY FAVORITE SPORTTO ACTUALLY PARTICIPATE IN

- IS HUNTING.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S SO WEIRD BECAUSEI DON'T LOOK GOOD IN ORANGE.

BUT-- I JUST LOVE THE OUTDOORS.

AND I LOVE MY HUNTING DOG.I LOVED MY HUNTING DOG.

[LAUGHTER AND AW'S]

I'M NOT THAT GOOD AT HUNTING.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU CAN'T THINK OF 'EM AS PETS.

THEY'RE HUNTING ACCESSORIESSO...YOU CAN'T GET ATTACHED.

IF YOU WANT TO BEA GREAT ATHLETE

- YOU HAVE TO SACRIFICE SO...- [LAUGHTER]

I KNOW PEOPLE THINKHUNTING IS APPALLING.

'CAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE AREUNDER THE MISGUIDED IMPRESSION

THAT HUNTING IS CRUEL.BUT HERE'S THE ONE THING

YOU PROBABLY DON'T REALIZE.AND THIS IS SOMETHING

ANIMAL RIGHTS' ACTIVISTSDO NOT WANT YOU TO KNOW.

THE DEER LOVE IT.THEY ARE HAVIN' A BALL.

THEY WOULD MISS ITIF IT WAS ILLEGAL.

THEY REALLY WOULD.THEY LOVE THE FALL.

IT'S AN EXCITING TIME FOR THEM.

[LAUGHTER]

THE ONE THINGI WOULD NEVER DO IS,

EAT MY KILL.THAT'S DISGUSTING.THAT IS SO GROSS.

EW, I'M A VEGAN, SO--EW, I WOULD NEVER--

I'D JUST LEAVE IT THERE. YEAH.

IT'S BIODEGRADABLE.SO THAT'S GOOD.

I'M A VEGETARIAN, BUT I CHEAT.I DO CHEAT A LITTLE BI--

I EAT VEAL. IT'S SO GOOD.SO GOO-- SO TENDER.

HOW DO THEY GET IT LIKE THAT?

I DON'T KNOW.I MEAN, I LOVE IT.

AND I CARE ABOUTTHE ENVIRONMENT.

IF YOU READ MY BLOG,YOU'LL KNOW THAT. I'M GREEN.

DO YOU READ MY BLOG?YEAH. RIGHT?

YOU AND TENS OF OTHERSDEFINITELY DO.

I THINK WE COULD ALL DO MORETO HELP SAVE THIS PLANET.

I DON'T THINK YOU HAVE TO BETHAT EXTREME ABOUT IT EITHER.

IT'S ALL ABOUT MAKING SOMESMALL CHOICES IN YOUR LIFE,

TRYING TO FIND SOME BALANCE.LIKE FOR ME,

I WOULD NEVER DRIVE AN SUV.I JUST WOULDN'T.

BUT I LITTER.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YEAH, DO WHAT YOU CAN.DO WHAT YOU CAN.

[LAUGHTER]

I KNOW ENVIRONMENTALISTS EXIST.

BUT WHENEVERI SEE A GUY ON A BIKE,I DON'T THINK,

"OH, SWEET. THERE GOESAN ENVIRONMENTALIST."

I'M ALWAYS LIKE, "TSSK.THAT POOR SUCKER GOT A DUI."

AND THAT'S WHYWE'RE IN THE MIDDLE EAST.BECAUSE GOD, THAT SO--

I'M SO CONFLICTED ABOUTWHAT'S GOING ON. I REALLY AM.

I MEAN, ON THE ONE HAND, I THINKFIGHTING OVER OIL IS DISGUSTING.

BUT ON THE OTHER HAND,I LOVE WAR. AND SO, EW!IT'S A GUILTY PLEASURE.

HMM. FOREIGN CHICKEN WINGS,I LOVE 'EM.

I DON'T KNOW WHYI TRY TO TALK ABOUTPOLITICS PUBLICLY,

WHEN I HAVE NO IDEAWHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD BEAUDITIONING FOR THE VIEW. SO--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND I'M NOT. I'M NOT SMART.I MEAN, I'M NOT STUPID, PERSEE.

- BUT UM...- [LAUGHTER]

I'VE BEEN WATCHINGTHE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES.

AND TO ME, THEY'RE RIDICULOUS.I'M NOT GONNA VOTE. I'M NOT--

WELL, I'M AREGISTERED SEX OFFENDER.SO, REALLY, I CAN'T--

JUST KIDDING.I'M NOT REGISTERED.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M JUST KIDDING.I'M NOT A TEACHER. UM...

ISN'T THAT A WEIRD THING?TEACHERS CAN'T STOP

BOFFING THEIR STUDENTS.WHAT'S HAPPENED IN THIS COUNTRY?

TEACHERS JUST KEEP HAVINGSEX WITH THEIR STUDENTS.

I'M GONNA START MARKETINGTHE INFLATABLE MIDDLE SCHOOLER.

I'M GONNA TRY TOCASH IN ON THE TREND...

[LAUGHTER]

I GET ASKED TO DO A LOT OFBENEFITS AND FUNDRAISERS

FOR SOME REALLY--SOME VERY, VERY GOOD CAUSES.

- AND I ALWAYS SAY NO.- [LAUGHTER]

I'M NO STOOGE FOR THECOMMUNIST LEFT, ALL RIGHT?

NO, I DID DO ONE BENEFIT.I DID A BENEFIT FOR WOMAN

WHO WAS HIV POSITIVEAND WHAT A SWEET LITTLE LADY.

AND SHE WAS JUST VIVACIOUSAND FUN TO BE AROUND.

AND IT WAS A GREAT BENEFIT.WE RAISED $40,000 FOR HER.

AND IT FELT REALLY GOOD. IT DID.UNTIL AFTERWARDS

WHEN SHE GOTINVESTIGATED FOR FRAUD,'CAUSE THERE WAS

A LOT OF QUESTIONS AS TO WHETHERSHE REALLY DID HAVE AIDS OR NOT.

AND NOT ONLY IS THAT ADISGUSTING THING TO LIE ABOUT.

IT'S ACTUALLY REALLY ILLEGAL.AND THE FBI GOT INVOLVED.

AND THEY TOLD US,"IF SHE'S ACTUALLY LYING,

SHE COULD GO TO PRISONFOR LIKE TEN YEARS."

"TEN YEARS"?AS SOON AS I HEARD THAT,I WAS LIKE,

"OH, MY GOD.I HOPE SHE HAS AIDS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, YEAH, PRISON WOULD BEA DEATH SENTENCE

FOR A LITTLE WOMANLIKE THAT, SO...

OKAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE?AND THIS IS GONNA SOUNDSO QUEER-- LESBIANS.

- [LAUGHTER]- I DO. I DO.

I LOVE YOU GUYS.YOU'RE SWEET.

I COULD NEVER BE A LESBIANBECAUSE I HAVE A REALLY GOOD

- SENSE OF HUMOR.- [LAUGHTER, OH'S & APPLAUSE]

THIS IS MY IMPRESSIONOF A LESBIAN LAUGHING.

[Hesitates] YEAH.

SEE I SHOULDN'T DO THAT JOKE,'CAUSE THAT'S SO STEREOTYPICAL.

YOU KNOWLESBIANS ARE GOOD PEOPLE.THEY DON'T DESERVE THAT

YOU KNOW WHY? THEY'RE ACTUALLY,YOU KNOW, THEY'RE TOO BUSY

TO BE FRIVOLOUS. YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE THEY'RE BUSYCHANGING THE WORLD

AND THEIR BIRKENSTOCKSAND THEIR FLANNELS

AND THEIR LITTER BOXESAND THEIR NIPPLE RINGS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT-- YOU KNOW LESBIANS AREALWAYS LIKE GOOD FOR A CAUSE.

LIKE THEY'LL GOAND THEY'LL MARCH FOR SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW STRAIGHT WOMENWON'T DO THAT.

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE IT'S SO HARDTO MARCH IN HEELS.

IT'S UNLADYLIKE.AND-- HMM, NO.

I WAS RAISEDNOT TO MAKE FUN OFGAY PEOPLE.

I DON'T USE WORDS LIKE"[BLEEP]" OR "[BLEEP] PIRATE."

[LAUGHTER]

AND I CERTAINLY DON'T USETHOSE WORDS AROUND MY DADS. SO.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THE GROUP IS--LIKE REALLY EMPOWERED WOMEN

SORT OF FREAK ME OUT A LITTLE.YOU KNOW THE ONES.

THEY'RE LIKE, "EH,WE'RE THE NUMBER ONE GENDER.

CHICKS RULE."AND IT KINDA MAKES ME CRINGE.

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE IF YOUREALLY ARE SUPERIOR,

YOU DON'T GO AROUNDSAYING YOU'RE SUPERIOR.UNLESS YOU'RE JEWISH.

AND LOOK HOW THAT TURNED OUT.NOBODY LIKES THEM. SO...

LET'S LEARN FROM THEIR MISTAKES.THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

[LAUGHTER]

IN OTHER COUNTRIESI'M TALKING ABOUT,NOBODY LIKES THEM.

- IN THIS COUNTRY, WE DO.- [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

NOT YOU, BUT OTHERS.I LOVE JEWS. I LOVE--

I MARRIED A MONEYGRUBBER.SO THERE YOU GO.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'VE ALWAYS DATED JEWISH MEN.AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.

WHAT AM I SAYING?I KNOW EXACTLY WHY THAT IS.

IT'S-- IT'S BECAUSEI HAVE A REALLY LITTLE VAGINA.

SO YEAH, IT JUST WORKS OUT.IT WORKS OUT. IT'S A WIN-WIN.

- EVERYBODY'S HAPPY.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO WHEN I WAS SINGLE,I LIVED IN A GARAGE.

AND-- LIKE A REAL GARAGE.NOT LIKE FONZY.

I LIVED IN A GAR--WHICH WAS-- YOU KNOW,WHEN YOU'RE DATING

AND YOU LIVE IN A GARAGE,IT DOES GET AWKWARD.

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I--AT THE END OF A DATE,IT'D BE LIKE, "THANKS.

I HAD A GREAT TIME.OKAY, CALL ME. ALL RIGHT."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I LOVE TO SWEAR.I LOVE TO SWEAR AT BABIES.

YOU CAN TOTALLY SWEAR TO A BABY.IT'S FINE.

IT DOES NO PSYCHOLOGICAL DAM--THEY DON'T EVEN DEVELOP A MEMORY

TILL THEY'RE LIKE TWO.SO GO CRAZY. HAVE FUN WITH IT.

"WHO'S MY LITTLE[BLEEP] BABY, HUH?

WHO'S MY LITTLE[BLEEP] BABY?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT'S THE WORSTTHAT COULD HAPPEN?

WHEN THEY GET OLDERAND SOMEONE SWEARS AT THEM,THEY'LL LIKE IT.

- BUT THEY WON'T KNOW WHY.- [LAUGHTER]

AND I GOTTA SAYI HATE-- I HATE THE HOLIDAYS.

IF THERE'S TWO HOLIDAYSI CANNOT STAND,

IT'S CHRISTMASAND MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY.

EW, IT'S SO COMMERCIAL.AH, SEE I FEELTHE TENSION WITH THAT.

'CAUSE PEOPLE CAN'T BELIEVEI'M MAKING FUN OF CHRISTMAS.

- HA. YEAH.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S SUCH APOLITICALLY CORRECT TIME.

I USED TO DOA LOT OF RACIAL MATERIAL.

BUT THEN, PEOPLE WOULD THINKI WAS A RACIST.

AND I'M NOT ANYMORE.AND IT'S VERY COMPLICATED.IT'S VERY COMPLICATED.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE LINE IS.I GUESS I REALLY DON'T.

LIKE MY SISTER,SHE'S VERY POLITICALLY CORRECT.

SHE WON'T EVEN DESCRIBESOMEONE-- RACIALLY, YOU KNOW.

AND THEN, SOMETIMESIT GETS HARD TO FIGURE OUTWHO SHE'S TALKING ABOUT.

SHE'LL BE LIKE,"YOU KNOW THE GUY WITHTHE STRAIGHT BLACK HAIR,

"GLASSES, REALLY GOOD AT MATH,CAN'T DRIVE A CAR.

"DO YOU KNOW WHOI'M TALKING ABOUT?

"HE'S ALWAYS GOT A LITTLESOY SAUCE ON HIS SHIRT.

LOVES KUNG FU MOVIES."HE'S SO HARD TO DESCRIBEBECAUSE HE LOOKS LIKE

- A BILLION OTHER PEOPLE. UM...- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'VE BEEN CALLEDA RACIST BEFORE.

AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.THAT IS HARSH. IT IS.

THAT'S A REALLY UGLY, UGLYTHING, TO CALL S--

THAT'S LIKE BEING CALLEDA MEXICAN. UM, IT HURTS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DO WE HAVE LATINOS HERE TONIGHT,LEGALLY, BY APPLAUSE?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHOA, A LOT. DID YOU GUYSALL COME IN THE SAME CAR?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

JUST KIDDING AROUND.LET'S NOT START A KNIFE FIGHT.

- I UM...- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S A BIG ISSUE RIGHT NOW.

SHOULD WE LEGALIZEILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS?

WHAT DO YOU THINK, MA'AM?YOU THINK WE SHOULD?

YOU HAVE A BIG YARD,OR A RESTAURANT OR SOMETHING?

- UM...- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I THINK WE SHOULD.I THINK IF THEY HAVE A JOB

AND ARE CONTRIBUTINGTO THIS COUNTRY,

I THINK WE NEEDTO STOP JUDGING PEOPLE

BASED ON THE COLOROF THEIR SKIN

AND START JUDGING PEOPLEBASED ON HOW THEY ACT.

- AND IF THEY ACT WHITE--- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]- OH, YOU GUYS, THAT'S SWEET.

BUT DON'T.IT'S NOT WORKING OUT.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S HARD.YOU KNOW, IT'S THE--

"KEEP IT SPICY."THAT'S WHAT EVERYBODY SAYS.

BUT I HATE PORN. I JUST--I MEAN, DON'T GET ME WRONG.

- THE MONEY WAS GREAT.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M A MARRIED WOMAN NOW.I DON'T THINK IT'S APPROPRIATE.

I GUESS THE BIGGEST ISSUE MYHUSBAND AND I ARE GONNA HAVE IS,

"HOW DO WE RAISE THE BABY?"YOU KNOW, BECAUSE

HE'S JEWISH AND I'M PROTESTANTAND THE BABY'S FATHER

IS CATHOLIC.SO IT DOES GET TRICKY. HA.

BUT I DIDN'T KNOWIF I WANTED TO HAVE A BABY.

I DIDN'T UM--UNTIL THE CONDOM BROKE.

AND THEN I MADE SOMETOUGH CHOICES.

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT A NEW DIAPHRAGM.I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

WELL, IT'S NEW TO ME. SO.I LOVE A GARAGE SALE, DON'T YOU?

[LAUGHTER AND OH'S]

- TOO MUCH. TOO MUCH.- [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

NO, YOU KNOW, WE LIVE NEXT DOORTO AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.

AND WHEN I WOULDSEE THOSE KIDS OUT THERE,

GOD, THEY'RE SO ADORABLE.YOU KNOW, THEY REALLY ARE.

AND IT AFFECTED ME.IT DID. IT TOTALLY--

I STOPPED DRIVING AROUND DRUNKAT 3:00 IN THE AFTERNOON.

YES, THEY'RE SO PRECIOUS.THEY DESERVE THAT.

AND MY HUSBAND,HE'S GOT A FEW YEARS ON ME.

HE'S GOT KIDSFROM A PREVIOUS MARRIAGE.WHICH, I WAS LIKE,

"THIS'LL BE GREAT." I'LL GETTO PRACTICE AT BEING A MOM.

BUT THEY DON'T SEE ME AS APARENTAL FIGURE YET, YOU KNOW.

BUT THIS STUFF TAKES TIMEAND THEY'RE AT AN AWKWARD AGE.

- THEY'RE OLDER THAN ME.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M LIKE, "PUT DOWN YOUR SCOTCHAND GO TO BED."

- NOTHING. THEY DON'T LISTEN.- [LAUGHTER]

I THINK I'M GONNA BEA GOOD MOM, THOUGH.

NEVER HIT A BABY.DO YOU KNOW THAT?

EVEN IF THEY START IT, YEAH.YOU GOTTA BE THE ADULT.

MY BABY'S SO GOOD, THOUGH.SHE REALLY IS.

I'VE ONLY HAD TO SHAKE HER ONCE.SO SHE'S--

WOMEN STILL REALLYWANT TO GET MARRIED.

YOU KNOW, WOMEN STILLREALLY WANT TO GET MARRIED,

EVEN THOUGH THERE'S THISWHOLE LIKE WIFE-KILLING

EPIDEMIC GOING ON.MEN ARE KILLING THEIR WIVES.

REMEMBER THE GOOD OLD DAYS,WHEN THEY USED TO JUST

[BLEEP] US AROUND? THAT WASA MORE INNOCENT TIME. WASN'T IT?

I WOULD NEVERSTAY WITH A GUY WHO HIT ME.

I EVEN THINK IT'S CREEPYIF A GUY SAYS,"I WOULD NEVER HIT A GIRL."

'CAUSE THAT SHOULDGO WITHOUT SAYING.

THAT'S LIKEIF YOU HEARD A GUY GO,

"UH, I WOULD NEVERCRAP IN A HOT TUB."

Loading...