Patton Oswalt & Nick Kroll

  • Season 1, Ep 2
  • 02/26/2013

Anthony discusses child mortality stats and group sex; Patton Oswalt and Nick Kroll act out a threesome.

MAKE PANELADE.

IT'S TIME FOR PANEL.[cheers and applause]

PLEASE WELCOMEMY TWO FRIENDS.

HE STARRED OPPOSITECHARLIZE THERON IN YOUNG ADULT,

AND CURRENTLYGUEST STARS ON JUSTIFIED.

THE GREAT PATTON OSWALT.

[cheers and applause]

AND YOU KNOW HIMFROM THE LEAGUE ON FX,

AND NOW HIS VERY OWN SHOWON COMEDY CENTRAL, KROLL SHOW,

NICK KROLL.

[cheers and applause]

NOW, PATTON,DO I HAVE THIS RIGHT?

YOU WERE NAMED AFTER THE GUY WHODID THE VOICE OF RATATOUILLE?

- I--[laughs]

I GET THAT--I GET THAT ALL THE TIME.

I--PATTON OSWALTIS MY STAGE NAME.

SO IT'S NOTMY ACTUAL REAL NAME.

- OKAY.- YEAH.

- WHAT'S YOUR REAL NAME?

- UH, NICHOLAS KROLL.- [laughs]

- NICK, NOT A LOTOF PEOPLE KNOW THIS,

BUT YOU'RE LIKEA STRAIGHT EDGE GUY, RIGHT?

NO BOOZE, NO DRUGS?- BASICALLY.

I MEAN, I SMOKE A LITTLE BITOF POT CONSTANTLY.

[audience cheers]

- I'D STILL CALL THATSTRAIGHT EDGE.

- YEAH.- THAT'S GOOD.

OKAY,LET'S GET RIGHT INTO IT

WITH THE BEST WORSTTHING OF THE WEEK.

OF ALL THE AWFUL NEWS STORIES,THIS ONE'S MY FAVORITE.

ON YOUR MARK, GET SET,KILL YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

SOUTH AFRICAN SPRINTERAND DOUBLE AMPUTEE

OSCAR PISTORIUS

HAS BEEN CHARGEDWITH PREMEDITATED MURDER

AFTER ALLEGEDLY SHOOTINGAND CRICKET BATTING

HIS GIRLFRIEND TO DEATH.

[sad trombone]

[laughter]

- IS THAT THE SOUTH AFRICANNATIONAL ANTHEM?

[laughter]

- IT COULD BE.

- I THINK THAT'STHE INTERSTITIAL STUFF

ON LAW & ORDER: SVU, RIGHT?

EACH ONE...

"SO MUCH SEMEN."[imitates sad trombone]

- THIS REALLY IS

ONE OF MY FAVORITE STORIESOF THE YEAR SO FAR.

I MEAN, LOOK AT HOW HOTTHIS GIRL USED TO BE.

- OH...[laughs]

- YEP.

- WELL, I THINK THATHE WAS TRYING TO SAY

THAT, YOU KNOW,HE COULD MURDER HIS GIRLFRIEND

JUST LIKE ANYABLE-BODIED ATHLETE.

- YEAH.

- IT'S TRUE. IT'S TRUE.- YEAH.

- WELL, AND ALSO THE FACT THAT--THE CRICKET BAT, WHICH, UM--

IT'S A TERRIBLE STORYJUST LIKE THE LAST ONE.

ONLY WORSE.

MIND IF I CUT IN?

DURING A THREESOMEBETWEEN TWO MEN AND A WOMAN,

ONE GUYSTABBED THE OTHER GUY

OVER REFUSINGTO SWITCH POSITIONS.

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS

WHENEVER YOU BRING A KNIFETO A SWORDFIGHT.

- WOW.- YEAH.

- IT'S--YOU KNOW,IT'S WEIRD.

IT'S JUST ODDTHAT YOU BRING THIS STORY UP

BECAUSE MY SAFE WORD IS,

"I WILL STAB YOUIF YOU DON'T SWITCH VAGINAS."

THAT'S JUST ODD.

SO IT JUST KIND OFHITS CLOSE TO HOME FOR ME.

- I KNOW THAT IS A FACT.

[laughter]

WHAT I'M TAKINGAWAY FROM THIS STORY

IS THAT THISLITTLE PRINCESS IS SINGLE.

- SHE SOUNDS...

SHE SOUNDS GREAT.

- YEAH,AND SHE'S VERY ADVENTUROUS.

- YEAH.- YEAH.

- SOMETIMES WHEN HOT SINGLESARE IN YOUR AREA,

YOU GOTTA JUMP ON IT,NO MATTER WHAT.

NOW, YOU GUYS SAID SOMETHINGKIND OF INTERESTING.

I WANT YOU GUYS TO DOLIKE AN IMPROV GAME.

YOU KNOW, JUST LIKE IMPROVONLY FUN TO WATCH.

LET'S SAY YOU GUYSARE IN A THREE-WAY WITH A GIRL.

PATTON, YOU NEED NICKTO SWITCH PLACES WITH YOU.

- OH, OKAY.- CONVINCE HIM LIKE A GENTLEMAN.

- HANG ON, HANG ON. MM...- WITHOUT VIOLENCE.

- OKAY.- YOU HAVE YOUR MOMENT BEFORE?

- I GOT--HANG ON, I GOT IT.OKAY, HERE WE GO. YEAH.

GOSH, YOU'RE, UH...

REALLY DIGGINGSOME TUNNELS HERE.

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

- DOING GOOD.- MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ME.

- YEAH, OKAY. BUT I'M JUST--BUT I'M ALSO LIKE, YOU KNOW--

SHE'S, UH--SHE'S LOOKING VERY HAPPY.

I THINK IT'S TIME TO MAYBE--

SHE'S KIND OFGIVING ME THE HIGH SIGN.

- OH, I DON'T KNOW.I THINK I'M GONNA STICK AT IT.

I MEAN, I STICK WHERE I AM.- STICK WHERE--YEAH, MAYBE--

- THIS IS THE HOLE I WANT.

- YEAH, BUT YOU KNOWWHAT YOU DO, YOU JUST--

YOU--YOU PULL OUT AND I THRUSTIN THE SAME BEAT, JUST KIND OF--

- I DON'T KNOW,I'M STICKING--YEAH.

OOH, YOU'RE GETTING ANGRY AT ME,AREN'T YA?

- I'M NOT GETTING ANGRY AT YOU,I'M JUST SAYING--

- I'M GOING FULL CHUB NOW.- WE TALKED ABOUT--

- OH, YEAH!- WE TALKED ABOUT THIS!

- OH, WE TALKINGABOUT IT RIGHT NOW.

OOH, YOU GETTING ANGRY WITH ME?- I JUST WANNA--

- IS IT EXCITING?- DUDE, I'M GONNA START CRYING.

- OH, YOU 'BOUTTO MAKE MY [bleep] CRY.

- REMEMBER, IT'S NOTTHE JOURNEY, IT'S THE PANEL.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACKWITH MORE PANEL.

[cheers and applause]

IT'S DEFENDING YOUR TWEET.[cheers and applause]

YOU TWEETED IT,NOW I'M GONNA READ IT

AND ASK YOU TO DEFEND ITIN FRONT OF ALL THESE PEOPLE.

NICK, ON FEBRUARY 18th,YOU TWEETED...

[laughter]

NICK, DEFEND YOUR TWEET.

- UH, WELL, FIRST,

I'M A HUGE FAN OF ARSON.

- THAT MAKES SENSE.

- NO, BUT I MEAN, COME ON.PRINTER CARTRIDGES?

I MEAN, WHAT'S THE DEAL?

[laughter]

WELL PLAYED, MR. KROLL.

WELL PLAYED.

- WAS THAT A DEFENSE ORA DEFLECTION? I DON'T REALLY--

- IT WAS THE BESTDEFENSE NICK KROLL

COULD POSSIBLYHAVE FOR SOMETHING,

WHICH IS A DEFLECTION.- I WILL GIVE HIM THAT.

- THE JOKEWAS IN THE BATHROOM.

- I THINK A LOT OF THINGSYOU DO ARE IN THE BATHROOM.

- [laughs]

- WAS THAT A TOILET TWEET?

- THAT--NO, THAT WASA PISTORIUS TWEET.

- OH, OKAY.

- I'M GONNA HAVE TO CUT YOU OFFAT THE LEGS THERE, NICK.

[laughter]PATTON, LET'S MOVE ON TO YOU.

ON JANUARY 13th,YOU TWEETED...

[laughter]- UH...

- PATTON,DEFEND YOUR TWEET.

- THAT--LOOK, YEAH, IT SEEMSVERY FRIVOLOUS AND FUNNY.

AND OOH, I'M BEING DIRTY.BUT, UM...

I WAS--I HAD TAKEN SOME AMBIEN.- YEAH. OKAY.

OKAY, WELL, THANK YOUFOR COMMITTING TO THE BIT.

I THINK IT'S JUST--IT'S GREAT--

LISTEN, JUST BE HAPPYYOUR GRANDMOTHER'S DEAD.

[laughter, applause]

NICK--- IT'S FUNNY, BECAUSE...

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