The A-List
Season 1

Cathy Ladman & Barry Sobel

  • Season 1, Ep 0162
  • 02/24/1992

THEY COULDN'T GET ENOUGHTHE FIRST TIME.

Man:YEAH!

HI, SWEETIE.

HI, HONEY.

I CAN NEVER GET ENOUGH EITHER.

WHAT'S THAT?

OH, IT'S A SCRIPT.

IT'S A BOOK.

OH, MY GOD-- THE AIDS CHRONICLES.

SHOULD I START READING IT NOW?

( laughter )

ARE YOU GETTING IT PUBLISHED?

OH, IT IS-- BRAVE SOLDIERS PRESS.

I'LL HELP YOU,I'LL SEND IT TO MY PUBLISHER.

GOD KNOWS THAT THEY SHOULD DOSOMETHING DECENT

INSTEAD OF ALL THE TRASH THEY'REPUBLISHING LIKE MY BOOKS.

( laughter )

GREAT, AND YOU'RE IN A.A.

OKAY, SO WE'RE 12-STEPPING.

I'LL CALL YOU LATERAND APOLOGIZE FOR EVERYTHING.

BUT FIRST, LET ME HURT YOU.

I'LL BE GUARDING THIS...

I BET IT'S FABULOUS.

I'LL READ IT AND I'LLCATCH UP WITH YOU GUYS.

I'D LIKE TO SPENDTHE WHOLE NIGHT TALKING TO YOU

BUT THE REST OF THE AUDIENCEMIGHT GET OFFENDED.

I DON'T WANT TO HURTANY OF THEM.

SO, GOD, WHAT ISHAPPENING TONIGHT?

NOTHING.

THE USUAL KOOKINESS,THE COMEDY REVUES.

WHAT HAS HAPPENEDTO YOUR SHIRT, HONEY?

NO, NEXT TO YOU.

DID YOU GET IN A BRAWL

OR IS IT SUPPOSEDTO LOOK LIKE THAT?

SO WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR SHIRT?

Woman:I COULDN'T FINDANYTHING TO WEAR.

YOU COULDN'T FINDANYTHING TO WEAR?

AND THAT'S STILLIN YOUR WARDROBE?

YOU KNOW WHAT, LET ME SEE IT.

LET ME GET A LITTLE CLOSER,COME HERE.

NO, LET ME SEE THE ARM ON IT.

CAN I JUST RIP ITA LITTLE BIT MORE?

( cheering )

BUT I'M NOT GOING TO TAKETHAT FABRIC HOME, BECAUSE...

LIKE LATER IF SOMETHINGHAPPENED TO YOU, GOD FORBID

AND THEY FOUND THAT LITTLEPIECE OF FABRIC AT MY HOUSE

THEY WOULD ACCUSE MEOF THE MURDER.

( laughter )

LIKE JUST A THREAD EMBEDDEDIN LIKE MY CARPET SOMEWHERE

BUT THEY WOULD FIND IT.

( laughter )

YES, THIS ISA VERY LOVING BUSINESS.

ISN'T IT LOVING?

LET'S HEAR IT AGAINFOR SANDRA BERNHARD.

THE LOVELY...

UH-OH.

I ALMOST FELL, I ALMOST FELL.

THIS IS THE FIRST TIMEI'VE EVER WORN HIGH HEELS.

THIS IS THE FIRST TIMEI'VE WORKED IN HIGH HEELS.

I THINK HIGH HEELSARE RIDICULOUS.

IT'S LIKE PUTTING A BUILDINGON THE HEAD OF A PIN.

( laughter )

NOT THAT I THINKI'M LIKE A BUILDING.

YES, ACTUALLY I DO THINKI'M A BUILDING.

I THINK EVERY WOMANTHINKS SHE'S A BUILDING.

I SHOULD BE WORKING OUTRIGHT NOW.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'MDOING HERE, I HAVE TO LEAVE.

I HAVE TO BE EXERCISING.

I'VE BEEN THINKINGA LOT ABOUT SEX...

AND DEATH...

TOGETHER.

I'D LIKE TO DIE IN BED.

YOU KNOW, WHILE MAKING LOVE, NOTWHILE TAKING A NAP OR ANYTHING.

THAT WOULD BE A REAL LETDOWN.

OH, I'M KIND OF TIRED.

OH, I'M DEAD, OH.

I TOOK IT TOO FAR.

I'D LIKE TO DIEWHILE MAKING LOVE.

THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

BUT AFTER THE ORGASM.

OH!

IT WOULD BE TERRIBLE TO DIEBEFORE THE ORGASM.

I'LL BE UP IN HEAVEN,PEOPLE WILL BE POINTING AT ME

"OH, SHE LOOKS SO TENSE."

( laughter )

"SOMEONE SHOULD SEND HER BACKFOR LIKE AN HOUR, I THINK."

I'D LIKE TO HAVE KIDS.

I WOULD LIKETO HAVE KIDS ONE DAY

BUT I ONLY HAVE ONE EGG LEFT.

( grunts ) UH-OH,THERE IT WENT, SORRY.

I'M OVULATING RIGHT NOW.

( groaning )

OOOH!

YOU PEOPLE.

I WOULD LIKE TO WEAR MYFALLOPIAN TUBES ON THE OUTSIDE

BECAUSE THEY'RE SO PRETTY.

( laughter )

HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU HEAR"FALLOPIAN" IN A COMEDY PLACE?

FALLOPIAN.

THREE TIMES.

THAT'S A GREAT AGE.

SHE LIKES TO CHOOSE WORDSAT RANDOM

AND THEN REPEAT THEMINCESSANTLY.

LIKE I WENT TO VISIT THEM ANDSHE'S WALKING AROUND THE HOUSE

SHE'S GOING, "GREAT, GREAT,GREAT, GREAT, GREAT, GREAT..."

SHE FINALLY STOPS HOURS LATER.

SHE GOES, "YOU KNOW, I'M STILLSAYING GREAT... IN MY HEAD."

( laughter )

REALLY?

SO IS EVERYONE ELSEIN THE HOUSE.

( laughter )

SHE HAD A BIRTHDAYSO I HAD TO GET HER A GIFT

SO I WENT TO TOYS R USBECAUSE SHE'S REGISTERED THERE.

AND I WAS GOINGTO GET HER A BARBIE DOLL.

DO YOU KNOW THERE'S NOTJUST ONE BARBIE ANYMORE?

THERE'S THIS HUGE VARIETYOF BARBIE DOLLS.

THEY HAVE "FUN TIME" BARBIE,"AVIATION" BARBIE.

OH, GET THIS ONE--"GIFT-GIVING" KEN.

( laughter )

YEAH, I REALLY DON'T THINK THISIS GOING TO PREPARE MY NIECE

FOR ADULT RELATIONSHIPS.

HOW ABOUT "DATE-BREAKING" KEN?

( applause )

"I STILL LIVEWITH MY MOTHER" KEN.

( laughter )

"OH, YOU DON'T MINDIF MY FRIEND BOB JOINS US?" KEN.

SO I GOT THIS BARBIE DOLLAND I WAS JEALOUS

BECAUSE I NEVER HAD A BARBIEWHEN I WAS GROWING UP.

I HAD A TAMMY DOLL.

SHE WAS LIKE "BRAND X" BARBIE.

YOU KNOW, THE DOLL THAT CAMEWITH HER OWN LOW SELF-ESTEEM.

SHE HAD A STRINGON HER NECK, I PULLED IT

SHE SAID, "YEAH, I KNOW,I'M NOT BARBIE."

BARBIE HAD ALLTHESE GREAT ACCESSORIES.

SHE CAME WITH THE DREAM HOUSE.

TAMMY CAME WITH A STRAIGHT RAZORWITH BAND-AIDS

TO COVER THE CUTS ON HER LEGS.

WHAT A LOSER.

TAMMY.

YOU KNOWWHERE MY TAMMY DOLL LIVED?

MY TAMMY DOLL LIVEDIN THE BOTTOM OF MY CLOSET

IN A BOOT BOXAND SHE WAS LUCKY TO HAVE IT.

THAT'S RIGHT,BECAUSE I TREATED HER

JUST LIKE MY PARENTS TREATED ME.

MY PARENTS WOULD SAY,"YOU'RE LUCKY TO HAVE THAT!"

I WOULD TURN TO TAMMY,"YOU'RE LUCKY TO HAVE THAT!"

( laughter )

OH, MY FAVORITE TOY.

NOT REALLY A TOY,BUT CRAYOLA 64 BOX.

SEE?

IT'S LIKE A CHILD'S ORGASM.

IT'S SO GOOD.

I WOULD GET A 64 BOXLIKE, "O-OH!"

"IT'S GOT A SHARPENER? OHHH!"

( laughter )

"HOLD MY CALLS."

I'D GO UPSTAIRS TO MY BEDROOM

I'D BE FONDLING THE GOLD,SILVER, COPPER AND BRONZE.

THESE DON'T COMEIN THE SMALLER BOXES.

AND I WOULDN'T LET ANYBODYTOUCH MY NEW CRAYONS.

"DON'T TOUCH THOSE,THOSE ARE MY NEW CRAYONS.

YOU CAN'T PEEL THE PAPER,ONLY I CAN PEEL THE PAPER."

THEN I WOULD COLOR IN SOME REALANAL RETENTIVE FASHION.

YOU KNOW, OPEN A COLORING BOOK.

MY EYE RIGHT ON THE CRAYON,OUTLINING THE COLORS.

( groaning )

CRACK!

OH, HERE YOU GO.

YOU CAN PLAY WITH THAT NOW.

I HATE BEING A GROWN-UP.

I LIVE BY MYSELF.

NOW, HOW MANY PEOPLELIVE ALONE HERE?

( mild applause )

DO YOU LIKE IT?

DO YOU LIKE IT OKAY?

I GET SO SCARED AT NIGHT.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I'M AFRAIDTO WASH MY FACE AT NIGHT

WHEN I'M BY MYSELF

BECAUSE I THINK AS SOONAS I GET SOAP IN MY EYES

THE KILLER IS GOING TO GET ME.

HE'S STANDING BEHINDTHE BATHROOM DOOR

"SHE'S GOT THE SOAPIN HER EYES-- NOW!"

SO NOW I HEAR THESE NOISES.

I DO THE STUPIDEST THING.

I CALL MY MOTHER.

SHE GOES, "OH, DON'T WORRY.

THE HOUSE IS JUST SETTLING."

RIGHT, THE HOUSE IS SETTLING.

SEE, THIS IS WHAT MY FATHER TOLDHER HIS ENTIRE LIFE

SO HE WOULDN'T HAVETO FIX THINGS.

YOU KNOW, BEAMS ARE FALLINGOUT OF THE ATTIC.

"OH, DON'T WORRY, THE HOUSEIS SETTLING, ON YOUR HEAD."

SO I'M HOME

AND I KEEP HEARING ALL THESECREAKS AND SQUEAKS.

I'M GETTING REALLY NERVOUSSO I FIGURE I'LL WATCH TV

THAT WILL SOOTHE MEAND THEN I'LL GO TO SLEEP.

SO NOW I'M WATCHING HUSH, HUSH, SWEET CHARLOTTE

WITH BETTE DAVIS.

I MEAN, IT IS SCARY ENOUGH

TO SEE THIS WOMAN WEARINGTHAT MUCH LIPSTICK AT ONE TIME

MUCH LESS WITH AN AXEIN HER HAND.

SO I WATCH THE WHOLE MOVIE,EVERYBODY'S DEAD.

I FIGURE, GREAT,THE MOVIE'S OVER.

I'LL GO TO SLEEP NOW.

RIGHT-- SO I CHECKTHE CLOSETS 12 TIMES.

THOROUGHLY.

I LOOK IN THE POCKETS, INTHE SHOE BOXES, TAMMY'S HOUSE.

EVERY PLACE THAT BETTE DAVISCOULD POSSIBLY BE.

PUT A CHAIR AGAINSTTHE FRONT DOOR, I GET INTO BED

I PULL THE SHEETS UP TO MY CHIN.

I'M LYING IN BED

MY EYES ARE WIDE OPEN JUSTIN CASE ANYONE'S WATCHING.

AND THEN EVERY FIVE SECONDSI WOULD HEAR THIS SOUND.

( whistles )

( whistles )

( whistles )

AND THEN I REALIZED THATMY NOSE WAS WHISTLING.

( laughter )

I WAS SO EMBARRASSED.

I WANTED BETTE DAVIS TO KILL ME THEN, I REALLY DID.

AND DO ANOTHER SET FOR THEM

THEY SAID, "YOU KNOW, CAN YOU DOSOME OF YOUR CLASSIC ROUTINES?"

KENNY ROGERS-- I HAD NO IDEATHE CELEBRITIES WERE HERE.

AND THEY SAID, "CAN YOU DOSOME OF YOUR CLASSIC JOKES?"

I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANY JOKES.

I BARELY KNOW SOME PUNCHLINES.

( applause )

PING-PONG BALLS?

I THOUGHT YOU SAIDKING KONG'S BALLS.

DISASTER, IT KILLED HER.

WOULD I, PEG LEG?

OH, NO, NOW ALL THE FISHWILL SMELL LIKE THAT.

I DON'T WANT NO FRIGGIN' PANCAKES.

ARE YOU PLAYING GOLFOR FOOLING AROUND?

HOW DO YOU THINK I GOTTHIS NIFTY CROSS?

PETER, I CAN SEEYOUR HOUSE FROM HERE.

CAN YOU PUT ME UPFOR THE NIGHT?

THEY BOTH EAT RICE.

NEED ANOTHER SEVEN ASTRONAUTS.

I ASKED FOR A BUD LITE.

WHAT DOES THIS BUTTON DO?

SCREW THE MAILMAN,GIVE HIM FIVE BUCKS.

BREAKFAST WAS MY IDEA.

THIS...

BREAKFAST WAS MY IDEA.

THIS CHINESE GUY COMESOUT OF NOWHERE.

WE'RE LOOKING ALLOVER THE MINE SHAFT.

HE COMES OUT OF NOWHERE, GOES,"SUPPLIES, SUPPLIES."

THEN CLEOPATRA GOES, "NOT NOW, I'M ON MY PYRAMID."

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD TURNSTO THE WOLF AND GOES

"NO, YOU'RE GOING TO EAT MELIKE IT SAYS IN THE BOOK."

THESE ARE JOKES.

I'M TRAVELING ALLAROUND THE COUNTRY

AND I WAS IN NEW YORKTHE OTHER DAY

AND I LOSE MY LUGGAGEAT KENNEDY AIRPORT.

KENNEDY AIRPORT-- MAYBEWE SHOULDN'T STOP THAT.

KENNEDY AIRPORT--

THE MOST UNSYMPATHETIC PLACEIN THE WORLD.

UNSYMPATHETIC, LOOK AT MY FACE.

YOU GO TO THE PERSONBEHIND THE COUNTER

WHOSE JOB IT IS TO HELP YOU.

I SAY, "I'VE LOST MY LUGGAGE."

IN TYPICAL NEW YORK STYLE,THE PERSON GOES

"YEAH, THAT'S ALL I NEED NOW,YOU AND YOUR BAGS.

( laughter )

"WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TOPICK UP THE FRIGGIN' AIRPORT

"AND SHAKE IT TILLYOUR BAGS FLING OUT?

"AS IF THEY WERE TO FLING.

"WHO AM I, KRESGIN?

"WHAT AM I, URI GELLER?

"WHO AM I, DAVID COPPERBALLS?

"I'M SITTING THERE FROM6:00 A.M. LIKE A PUTZ.

"I'M LIKE A SCHMUCK ON WHEELS.

"YOU'RE FLYING THROUGH THE AIRLIKE A DAMN WALLENDA.

"HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, YOU KNOWWHAT YOUR BAGS LOOK LIKE

AND YOU CAN'T FREAKIN'FIND THEM."

( laughter )

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

"FORGET IT, I DON'TEVEN CARE ANYMORE.

THANKS ANYWAY, LADY."

LADY-- BOOM! IT'S A JOKE.

THESE ARE ALL JOKES.

AND IF YOU FORGET TO EAT ANDYOU'RE STUCK AT THE AIRPORT.

IT'S ONLY LIKE A MILLION DOLLARSTO EAT FOOD AT AN AIRPORT.

LIKE WHEN DID THE AIRPORT

BECOME LIKE THE MOST EXPENSIVE,COOLEST RESTAURANT IN TOWN?

OH, L.A.X., YOU MUST GO.

IT'S THE AIRPORT.

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE PLAYINGWHEEL OF FORTUNE.

UM, FOR $7,500 MAY I HAVETHE NACHOS, PLEASE?

I WAS THINKING ABOUTTHAT HOME IN VERSAILLES

BUT THEN I THOUGHT

NAH, MAYBE I'LL JUST HAVETHE PEPPERONI SLICE.

SILLY AUDIENCE,SEGUES ARE FOR KIDS.

I'M WATCHING THIS TWO-HOURNBC SPECIAL IN PRIME TIME--

"BLACK ATHLETES ARE BETTERTHAN WHITE ATHLETES."

DUH!

HELLO, IS THIS FOR PEOPLE

WHO DON'T GET THE N.B.A.GAME OF THE WEEK?

WHO DON'T KNOW BLACK ATHLETESARE BETTER THAN WHITE ATHLETES?

WHAT'S HIS NEXT QUESTIONGOING TO BE LIKE?

JEWS ARE GOOD AT BUSINESS.

OKAY, FINE,NO STEREOTYPE IS TRUE, FINE.

FILIPINOS DON'T EAT DOGS, FINE.

A LOT OF ITALIAN BUSINESSESARE VERY LEGITIMATE, FINE.

NO, I'VE NEVER SEEN AN ITALIANWOMAN WITH A MUSTACHE, FINE.

ARABS DON'T SMELL, FINE.

IRANIANS HAVE NOTHINGTO DO WITH GAS STATIONS

7-ELEVENS,EVERY A.M.-P.M. MINI MARKET...

( mumbling incoherently )

OKAY, FINE, CHINESE PEOPLEARE EXCELLENT DRIVERS, FINE.

RECENTLY THEY PURCHASEDA CLUE, FINE.

JEWISH PEOPLE RUNTO PICK UP A CHECK, FINE.

A BLACK MAN'S BUTTIS NOT HIGHER UP

THAN A WHITE GUY'S BUTT, FINE.

BLACK PEOPLE HAVE SELF CONTROLIN MOVIE THEATERS.

SOMETIMES THEY SHUT UP, FINE.

JAPANESE TOURISTS NEVERHAVE PHOTO EQUIPMENT

ARE ALWAYS WELL-ENDOWED, FINE.

PUERTO RICANS ARE ALWAYSUSING BIRTH CONTROL.

THEY CAN'T WAITTO INVENT A NEW ONE, FINE.

RASTAFARIANS SMOKELITTLE JOINTS, FINE.

MILLIONS OF MEXICANS AREAT HOME RIGHT NOW

WITHOUT A VELVET PAINTING, FINE.

I WANT TO DO THIS NEXT JOKE

AND DEDICATE THISTO THE LATE SAM KINISON

WHO WAS A FRIEND OF MINEAND HE WAS VERY SUPPORTIVE

WHEN I STARTED WORKINGAT THE COMEDY STORE.

WHEN EVERYONE ELSE WASN'T,HE WAS THERE, MAN.

IRONICALLY, THIS WASHIS FAVORITE JOKE

AND IT'S ABOUT HOWARD COSELL.

HOWARD COSELL, THE COLDESTANNOUNCER, HE WAS CRUEL.

EXCUSE ME, SANTA MONICA,HE WAS COLD.

A FEW YEARS AGOIN A WORLD SERIES

SOMEONE'S MOM DIEDBEFORE GAME TIME.

COSELL MENTIONED THIS ALLTHROUGHOUT THE GAME.

( as Cosell: )THE PLACE--

THREE RIVERS STADIUM,PITTSBURGH, PENNSYLVANIA.

TONIGHT THE PIRATES ARE DOWNTHREE BIG GAMES TO ONE.

OH! BUT THERE'S NO ONE FURTHERDOWN THAN BUCK JACKSON'S MOTHER.

SIX FEET UNDERBEFORE GAME TIME HERE TODAY.

THE PIRATES DESPERATELYTRYING TO WAGE A COMEBACK.

BUT THERE'S ONE PERSONWHO WON'T COME BACK

THE DEAD BUCK JACKSON'S MOTHER.

SHE'S KICKED THE BUCKET

GONE TO THAT GREAT SEVENTH-INNING STRETCH IN THE SKY.

HER MAGIC NUMBER IS ZERO.

THERE BEHIND THE PIRATE DUG...

OH! DUGOUT, BUCK JACKSON'SMOTHER WON'T GET DUG OUT.

SHE'S BEEN CREMATED.

NOW, MY YOUNG FRIEND,LET'S GO ON RECORD.

LET'S CALL THISWHAT APPEARS FROM HERE

TO BE A TOPSY-TURVY SERIES.

TOPSY OR TURVY?

TURVY OR TOPSY?

( laughter )

AUTOPSY! AUTOPSY!

BUCK JACKSON'S MOTHER.

THEY'RE DIGGING HER UP.

THEY'RE BRINGING QUINCYONTO THE FIELD.

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