CC Presents: Bil Dwyer

  • 09/09/2001

IF YOU'RE A COMIC THIS HAS GOT

TO BE ONE OF THE GREATEST GIGS,

I THINK MAYBE WHAT MIGHT BE

BETTER BEING THE OPENING ACT

FOR THE ROLLING STONES ON THEIR

NEXT STADIUM TOUR--

70,000 PEOPLE AT

THE ROSE BOWL...

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

PLEASE WELCOME YOUR OPENING ACT,

BIL DWYER"

(MIMICKING A CHEERING CROWD

OF THOUSANDS)

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

HEY, WHO REMEMBERS RAZZLES?

(CHEERING CROWD NOISE)

ARE THEY GUM OR CANDY OR WHAT?

(CHEERING CROWD NOISE)

COULD WE GET SOME STUDIES

DONE ON THIS, SOME OF THOSE

GOVERNMENT GUYS IN THEIR

LAB COATS.

(CHEERING NOISE CONTINUES)

THANK YOU.

THAT'S MY TIME.

I'M GONNA BRING OUT YOUR

HEADLINERS THEY CALL THEMSELVES

THE GREATEST ROCK-N-ROLL BAND

IN THE WORLD, YOU'VE SEEN THEM

ON DON KERSHNER'S ROCK CONCERT,

THE MIDNIGHT SPECIAL,

YOU MAY REMEMBER THEM

FROM ALTAMONT,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THE ROLLING STONES!

AND THEN I WALK OFF STAGE,

"FOLLOW THAT YOU SKINNY LIMY

BASTARDS, YES!"

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I WAS RAISED A CATHOLIC.

AND AS A CATHOLIC,

I WAS TAUGHT TO FEAR GOD.

AND, YOU KNOW, HE CAN SMELL IT

ON YOU-- LIKE A DOG.

AND THAT'S THE ONLY RELIGION

I KNOW, CATHOLICISM,

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT

ANY OTHER RELIGIONS.

YOU KNOW, LIKE LUTHERANS.

WHO DO THOSE PEOPLE WORSHIP--

LEX LUTHER?

THAT'S THE BALD GUY FROM

SUPERMAN.

THAT'S CERTAINLY A FALSE ICON

I WOULD THINK.

SO I GO TO THE BIBLE SOMETIME

FOR INSPIRATION.

I KNOW I DON'T LOOK LIKE IT,

I MEAN, I KNOW I LOOK LIKE

AN ARYAN MAGICIAN I DON'T KNOW.

"VATCH ME PULL AN INFERIOR RACE

OUT OF MY HAT, FOR THAT IS WHERE

THEY BELONG, IN MY HAT!"

I GREW THE GOAT-TEE SO I DON'T

LOOK SO MUCH LIKE ANN HESCH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

PEOPLE ALWAYS STOPPING ME

ON THE STREET, "HEY, YOU STILL

A LESBIAN?"

HOW DO I ANSWER THAT?

"WELL, I SHARE SIMILAR

INTERESTS."

I DON'T LIKE THE INDIGO GIRLS,

WRONG EQUIPMENT.

SO I LIVE JUST OUTSIDE OF L. A.

IN A NICE LITTLE TOWN THAT

HAS A HUGE ARMENIAN POPULATION.

WE HAVE THE MOST ARMENIANS

THIS SIDE OF ARMENIA,

APPARENTLY, AND SO I HAVE

A LOT OF ARMENIAN NEIGHBORS

AND FRIENDS AND I KNOW THEY'RE

MY FRIENDS, BECAUSE THEY CALL ME

"BIL, MY FRIEND," WHICH I LOVE,

I LOVE THAT.

AND THEN THE OTHER THING I LOVE

ABOUT THEM IS THAT THEY HAVE

ALMOST ENGLISH SOUNDING NAMES.

IT'S ALWAYS OFF BY JUST ONE

LETTER OR SOMETHING.

THERE'LL BE A KNOCK AT THE DOOR,

"HELLO, BIL, MY FRIEND.

HEY!

HOW'S IT GOING, MARF?

ALL RIGHT!

GOOD TO SEE YOU, PAULP.

YEAH, YOU BET.

WHAT'S UP, BRIAB?

WHERE'S DOVID?

AND WE HAVE A LOT OF

HOMELESS PEOPLE OUT IN L. A.

AND THERE WAS A SIGN AT

THE GROCERY STORE THAT SAID

"PLEASE DO NOT ENCOURAGE

THE PANHANDLERS."

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I'M GOING

UP TO THEM, "WAY TO GO,

PANHANDLER!

YOUR DOING A GREAT,

JOB PANHANDLER!

YOU HOLD ON TO THOSE PANHANDLING

DREAMS!

NEVER LET THAT PANHANDLE GO!"

YOU NEVER SEE A PAN OR A HANDLE,

DO YA?

I'D LIKE TO SEE SOMEBODY

MAKING EGGS OUT THERE,

"HEY LOOK A PANHANDLER!"

I WAS IN LAS VEGAS RECENTLY,

WENT INTO A STRIP CLUB-TOTALLY

NUDE.

SURE MY TESTICLES KEPT STICKING

TO THE SEAT, BUT OTHER THAN

THAT, IT WAS GREAT.

JUST HAD TO KEEP ADJUSTING.

ALL RIGHT!

DON'T WANT TO SIT ON THESE

BABIES.

THEY DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU

TIP THEM WITH QUARTERS DO THEY?

THE STRIPPERS?

NO.

IT DOESN'T MAKE THEM HAPPY,

'CAUSE THEY'RE GENERALLY

SUCH A HAPPY BUNCH.

(MIMICS A STRIPPER) "I'M SO

PLEASED WITH MY LIFE CHOICES."

(LAUGHTER)

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE BIGGEST

GAMBLE IN LAS VEGAS IS?

99ยข SHRIMP COCKTAIL.

THAT'S BARGAIN SHRIMP

IN THE DESERT.

WHERE'S THAT COMING FROM?

LAKE MEAD?

HEY, THESE ARE SEA MONKEYS,

AREN'T THEY?

IT IS!

IT'S A BRINE SHRIMP COCKTAIL.

I JUST ATE THE KING I KNOW."

AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUN

IN VEGAS?

YOU KNOW, IT'S FUN TO GO BY

THE PEOPLE THAT ARE LAYING OUT

500 OR A 1000 BUCKS A CRACK,

BUT OCCASIONALLY HEAD ON OVER

TO THE NICKEL SLOTS AND

CHEER THOSE PEOPLE ON.

"CHERRY, CHERRY.

OH, A PLUM!

DUDE, THAT WAS ALMOST A QUARTER!

OH, MAN!

IMAGINE THAT JINGLE-JANGLING

IN YOUR CUP, HUH?

YOU BIG STUD.

WHO WANTS SHRIMP COCKTAIL?

LET ME SEE IF I GOT ENOUGH.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THERE'S A LOT OF OLD PEOPLE

IN VEGAS.

AND NOT TO RIP OLD PEOPLE,

BUT I'M ABOUT TO.

I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN THEY

PLAY GAMES, "GUESS HOW OLD I AM?

I DON'T KNOW.

107?

I DON'T LIKE THIS GAME.

DO YOU WANT ME TO GUESS YOUR

HEIGHT?

40 YEARS AGO, IT WAS FOUR INCHES

MORE THAN IT IS NOW.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I JUST NEVER WANT TO GET

SO OLD THAT I'M AFRAID OF

ESCALATORS.

YOU EVER GET BEHIND ONE OF THEM

AT THE MALL, AND THEY'RE...

AHH, AHH, EHH, OHH, HERE I GO.

ONE...

TWO...

"HEY, JUMP ON WILL YA?

IT'S NOT A DRAGON.

LET'S GO!

ONE OF MY FRIENDS GOT CAUGHT

ONCE--

WELL, YELL FOR HELP WHEN

YOUR IN A MALL!"

YOU NEVER SEE AN ESCALATOR

IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.

"WELL, HERE I AM IN DEATH

VALLEY, HEY, AN ESCALATOR,

I'LL JUST JUMP ON IT WITH

MY PANTS THAT ARE 6 INCHES

TOO LONG.

I HOPE NOTHING HAPPENS TO ME."

YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT TO BREAK

MY HIP, AND I DON'T WANT TO LIVE

ON FEAR OF IT, EITHER.

THAT'S WHY THEY WALK SO SLOW.

YOU KNOW?

EVERY STEP.

PLEASE DON'T SLIP, NO SLIPPING.

I PRAY TO THE GODS OF SLIPPING

HAVE MERCY ON ME.

I OFFER UP THE SAME PRAYER,

BUT MORE INTENSE.

BIL DWYER>> I'M A FATHER.

WE HAVE KIDS BECAUSE WE DIDN'T

WANT PETS.

YOU EVER MEET THOSE PEOPLE WHO

SAY, "OH, I DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS.

MY CATS ARE MY KIDS."

OH, YEAH?

HOW ARE YOUR CATS DOING

IN SCHOOL?

(LAUGHTER)

YOUR EVER WORRY ABOUT YOUR CATS

HANGING OUT WITH THE WRONG GROUP

OF CATS?

AND WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH YOU

PUTTING YOUR KID TO BED AT NIGHT

AND YOU'RE SAYING TO THEM,

"GOOD-NIGHT, SLEEP TIGHT,

DON'T LET THE BED BUGS BITE"?

SUCH A REASSURING THOUGHT FOR A

CHILD DRIFTING OFF TO DREAMLAND.

"GOOD-NIGHT.

YOU HAVE INSECTS IN YOUR ROOM.

I HOPE SPIDERS DON'T CRAWL

INTO YOUR EARS.

GOOD-NIGHT, BUDDY!

ALL RIGHTY NOW,

IT'S NIGHTY-NIGHT TIME.

HEY, I HOPE A MONSTER

DOESN'T JUMP OUT OF YOUR CLOSET

AND DRAG YOU OFF TO HELL--

GOOD-NIGHT, PAL!"

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT WAS THAT?

OH, I THOUGHT I SAW SOMETHING

UNDER YOUR BED.

ALL RIGHT, NIGHTY-NIGHTY NOW.

ALL RIGHTY.

NIGHTY NIGHTY, MISTER TIGHTY

WHITEY SIGHTY BITEY.

HEY, WHY YOU CRYING?

I'M GOING TO TURN OFF THE NIGHT

LIGHT, SISSY, TIME TO GROW UP."

WELL, THAT'S HIS NAME.

THAT COULD HAVE BEEN A MISTAKE

RIGHT THERE.

AND IF YOU HAVE KIDS,

I SAY YOU CAN DO ANYTHING

YOU WANT WITH THEIR MIDDLE

NAMES, YOU KNOW.

YOU HAVE A SON NAMED JIMMY,

MAKES HIS MIDDLE NAME

CRACK CORN.

HE WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER.

OH, MY FUNNY FATHER.

(MIMICKING COCKING A SHOTGUN)

(LAUGHTER)

"DADDY, WHAT HAPPENS TO DOGS

WHEN THEY GO TO HEAVEN?"

"UH, I DON'T KNOW LETS SEE,

BUDDY.

THEY GO TO A DOG HEAVEN

AND IT'S ALL DOGS, AND, UH,

NO ONE TO FEED THEM.

YEAH, YEAH.

CANS OPENERS STREWN AROUND--

YEAH.

SORRY, PAL.

THAT'S HOW IT WORKS."

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING

AS A FATHER.

LAST YEAR FOR HALLOWEEN

FOR MY DAUGHTERS COSTUME,

WE DYED HER FINGERS YELLOW

AND SHE WENT AS A CHAIN SMOKER.

SO CUTE.

SHE WAS WHEEZING.

HER CLOTHES STUNK.

SHE CAME HOME WITH A BAG FULL OF

BREATH MINTS.

I TELL YOU, THAT WAS SOMETHING

SPECIAL.

RECENTLY, AND THE ALLIGATOR

HASN'T MOVED SINCE LAST JULY.

SURE HE HAS A LOT MORE PENNIES

ON HIS BACK, BUT NO MOVEMENT

WHATSOEVER.

NOT GETTING A LOT OF RESPECT

THE ALLIGATOR.

SO I THOUGHT, WELL, I REMEMBER

ALL THE JOYS AND THE CHARMS

OF THE PETTING ZOO WHEN

I WAS A KID, SO I'LL TAKE

MY KIDS TO THE PETTING ZOO.

APPARENTLY, I MISTAKEN THE JOYS

AND CHARMS OF THE PETTING ZOO

WITH THE HORRORS OF THE PETTING

ZOO.

THE PETTING ZOO'S A GREAT PLACE

TO GO IF YOU WANTED TO DISCARD

OF YOUR CHILD'S CLOTHING

IN A GOATS STOMACH.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU GO THERE THERE'S A BUNCH OF

NAKED KIDS RUNNING AROUND

SCREAMING, SOME POOR KID FLAT ON

HIS BACK WITH A CHICKEN PECKING

BLOODY HOLES IN HIS CHEST.

"OH, MY GOD, WHERE ARE YOUR

PARENTS?"

AND I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY STOCK

A PETTING ZOO, BUT THERE MUST

HAVE BEEN A HUGE SALE ON GOATS.

JUST BUY ONE LLAMA GET 15 GOATS

FREE.

ALL GOATS MUST GOOOO,

AND I'M NOT EVEN A MARKETING

GUY.

AND PETTING ZOO WORKERS WILL

MAKE YOU YEARN FOR THE CIVILITY

AND DIGNITY OF A CARNY WORKER.

YOU'LL WISH YOU WERE BEING

STRAPPED INTO AN UNSAFE

TILT-A-WHIRL BY A GUY

WHO REEKS OF BOURBON.

BUT ALL THAT ASIDE,

I LOVE MY KIDS, I DO.

THE ONLY WAY I COULD

LOVE THEM MORE IS IF I WAS

DIVORCED.

THOSE GUYS LOVE THEIR KIDS,

THEIR ALWAYS TALKING,

"OH, I LOVE MY KIDS.

I LOVE MY KIDS.

EVERY OTHER WEEKEND

AND WEDNESDAYS FROM 5 TO 8 P.M.

OH, YEAH, IT'S EASY TO LOVE THEM

WHEN THEY'RE NOT AROUND.

WHEN THEY'RE AROUND,

THEY'RE ALWAYS

TALKING-BLAH-BLA-BLAH-BLA-BLAH

BLA-BLAH.

THEY LOVE TO CHAT AND THEY HAVE

NOTHING TO CHAT ABOUT.

BLA-BLAH-BLAH POKEMON NINTENDO,

BLA-BLAH-BLAH.

I'M HUNGRY.

THESE CLOTHES DON'T FIT ME,

BLA-BLA-BLAH.

I CAN'T SEE OUT OF THIS EYE,

BLA-BLA-BLAH.

THEY LOVE TO CHATTER AND THEY'VE

GOT NOTHING TO CHATTER ABOUT.

DAD, DAD.

DAD-DAD-DAD-DA-DA-DAD-DAD-DAD.

(APPLAUSE)

LOOK AT MY HAND.

LOOK AT MY HAND.

DAD, LOOK AT MY HAND.

LOOK AT MY HAND.

LOOK AT MY HAND.

LOOK AT MY HAND.

LOOK AT MY HAND.

LOOK AT MY HAND.

LOOK AT IT NOW.

LOOK AT IT NOW.

IT'S GONE.

IT'S BACK.

LOOK AT MY HAND.

OKAY, BUDDY, I SEE YOUR HAND!

TRY AND FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO

CALL THE TIBETAN MONKS--

YEAH, TAKE MY KIDS

TO THE DAHLI LLAMA.

CAN YOU TAKE HIM AWAY

FOR A FEW YEARS?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THEN THEY BRING THE LITTLE GUY

BACK SEVEN YEARS LATER,

HE'D BE ALL ENLIGHTENED.

HELLO, FATHER...

LOOK AT MY HAND.

ARGH!!!

YOU WIN.

YOU WIN, CRACK-CORN.

YOU WIN!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WHAT I'M DOING AS A FATHER,

BECAUSE MY FATHER DIED

WHEN I WAS 2 YEARS OLD.

PEOPLE STILL ASK ME, DO YOU

REMEMBER ANYTHING ABOUT HIM?

I WAS 2 YEARS OLD.

OH, YES.

I REMEMBER HE WAS A VERY GENTLE,

GENTLE MAN, WITH HUGE HANDS--

NO, I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING

ABOUT HIM.

ALL I KNOW IS THAT ONE SUNDAY

MORNING BEFORE I GO INTO MASS,

HE SAID HE WAS A LITTLE TIRED

SO HE DECIDED TO LIE DOWN

ON THE COUCH AND TAKE A NAP.

WE HAD A CACTUS IN THE LIVING

ROOM, TOO.

HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO LAY DOWN

ON THE COUCH TO TAKE A NAP

BEFORE GOING TO MASS.

SO HE LAYS DOWN ON THE COUCH

BEFORE WE GO TO MASS, AND HE

DIES RIGHT THERE ON THE COUCH.

AND WE KEPT THE COUCH,

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT?

THE COUCH MY FATHER DIED ON,

WE HAD IT MY WHOLE LIFE.

OH, SURE, AS KIDS, WE WOULD DARE

ONE ANOTHER TO TAKE A NAP

ON THE DEMON COUCH.

(LAUGHTER)

"YOU DOUBLE DARED ME TO TAKE

A NAP ON THE DEMON-DAD

DEATH COUCH.

(LAUGHTER)

NO, I'M NOT SCARED.

I'LL JUST LAY DOWN ON THE COUCH

AND CATCH FORTY WINKS.

AHH!

I SAW DAD.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

HE SAID, GET OFF THE COUCH!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

KILLED ME, AND IT WILL KILL YOU,

TOO.

NOT EXACTLY THE MAKE-OUT COUCH

DURING HIGH SCHOOL.

"WHAT'S THE MATTER, BABY,

DO YOU SENSE DEATH?

COME ON.

SIT DOWN HERE WHERE HIS HEAD

WAS, THAT'S THE SPECIAL SEAT.

AND THEN SOMEONE GAVE US A DOG

AFTER HE DIED.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY WERE

THINKING.

WELL, YOU'VE LOST YOUR HUSBAND

AND FATHER, HERE'S A

HALF-CHIHUAHUA HALF-BOSTON

TERRIER MIX.

YOU'VE LOST YOUR MAIN REVENUE

SOURCE HERE'S A NERVOUS DOG!

OH, THANK YOU!

LOOKS LIKE A REAL MONEY MAKER,

THAT ONE WITH THE BULGING EYES,

THE ERECTIONS AND THE SHIVERING.

OH, HE'S SHIVERING!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THAT'S A CASH COW.

AND THE DOG LIVED FOREVER!

10 YEARS NOW.

AND, UM...

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

THANK YOU FOR THAT APPLAUD.

OH, PLEASE.

NOW I CAN CALL MY WIFE AND GO,

"HEY, BABY, ABOUT HALF THE

HUDSON THEATRE THINKS WE SHOULD

KEEP THE JOYLESSNESS GOING,

LET'S KEEP STOKING THE COALS ON

THAT HELL-TRAIN WHAT DO YA SAY?

(LAUGHTER)

MY WIFE AND I JUST TOOK

LIFE INSURANCE POLICIES OUT ON

ONE ANOTHER, SO NOW IT'S JUST

A WAITING GAME.

WHO'S GONNA BE THE FIRST ONE

TO EXPERIENCE, CERTAINLY

TREMENDOUS SORROW, COUPLED WITH

A SWEET CHUNK OF CHANGE!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"HEY, BIL, SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT

YOUR DEAD WIFE."

"YES.

LET'S REMINISCE ABOUT HER...

IN MY NEW CAMERO!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THAT'S A T-TOP.

THE WIND WILL DRY OUR TEARS.

LET'S RIDE!"

AND I GOT SINGLE FRIENDS,

YOU KNOW, I HANG OUT WITH

A LOT OF SINGLE FRIENDS,

AND THEY TALK A GOOD GAME BUT

THEY DON'T FOLLOW THROUGH THEM.

"OH, BIL, YOU WITH YOUR WIFE

AND YOUR KIDS, I WOULD GIVE

ANYTHING TO TRADE PLACES WITH

YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

A DOLLAR?

CAN OF POP?

A HERSHEY'S KISS?

I DON'T CARE.

JUST GET OVER THERE,

THEY'RE ALL MAD AT ME AGAIN.

AND I GOT ONE SINGLE FRIEND

WHO'S REALLY HIGH-TECH,

HE USES A LASER POINTER TO POINT

OUT THE ATTRACTIVE WOMEN AT THE

BARS.

"HEY, CHECK OUT THAT ONE OVER

THERE."

"WHICH ONE?"

"THE ONE HOLDING HER EYE."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"YEAH, SHE'S WINKING AT YA...

PERMANENTLY.

SO I HAVE ONE WIFE,

I THINK THAT'S THE WAY TO GO.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT MULTIPLE

WIVES, YOU THINK, OH,

WOULDN'T THAT BE GREAT?

I COULDN'T IMAGINE HAVING

EIGHT RABBITS, LET ALONE HAVING

EIGHT WIVES, YOU KNOW.

NOT TO EQUATE THE TWO.

BUT IF YOU HAVE EIGHT WIVES--

YOU KNOW, AFTER ANOTHER

BLAND MEAL--

YOU GOT EIGHT WIVES,

YOU'RE PUTTING A LOT OF CRACKERS

IN THE GROUND BEEF,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

WHO WANTS BULK OATMEAL, LADIES?

AFTER ANOTHER CRAPPY MEAL,

YOU'VE 16 EYES STARRING AT YOU

ACROSS THE DINNER TABLE.

"WHAT?

WHAT?

WHAT?

WHAT?

WHAT?

WHAT?

WHAT?!

WHAT?!!"

"WE'RE BORED"

"WELL, GO OUT ON FOUR ON FOUR

HALF COURT GAME, HOW ABOUT THAT,

HUH?

AND I'LL HAVE SEX WITH

THE WINNERS, BUT LET ME GET

A NAP IN, ALL RIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)

I READ ABOUT A GUY IN UTAH,

HE HAD 15 WIVES.

15 WIVES.

IMAGINE THE NERVE,

TO LOOK AROUND AT YOUR 14 WIVES

AND THINK TO YOURSELF...

ONE MORE--

THEN I'M DONE SHOPPING.

SURE IT'S GONNA SCREW UP

THE BUNK BEDS, BUT I GOTTA HAVE

15 WIVES.

WHAT ARE YOUR MARRIAGE VOWS,

LIKE TO YOUR FIFTEENTH WIFE?

"I PROMISE TO LOVE HONOR

AND CHERISH YOU, ABOUT TWO DAYS

A MONTH.

ALL RIGHT.

FEBRUARY'S GONNA BE TOUGH

FOR YOU, 'CAUSE YOU'RE MY 15th

WIFE.

DO THE 15 WIVES HAVE CLEVER

NICKNAMES FOR EACH OTHER,

LIKE 1, AND 2 AND JADES

AND MR. MIXELPIX?

I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE ONE OF

15 WIVES?

JUST IS IT ALL PILLOW FIGHTS

AND MYSTERY DATES?

I WANNA KNOW.

I GOTTA A SURFER.

I GOTTA DWARF.

SO, YOU WOULD NEVER SEE A WOMAN

WITH 15 HUSBANDS, WOULD YOU?

POOR THING WOULD JUST WAKE UP

EVERY MORNING WITH (BLEEP)'S

IN HER FACE.

(LAUGHTER)

"HEY, FELLAS, PLEASE!

HEY, GENTLEMEN, BACK OFF!

PLEASE, MOVE THE ROOTS.

CAN I HAVE SEX WITH YOU?

CAN I HAVE SEX WITH YOU?

CAN I HAVE SEX WITH YOU?

CAN I WATCH?

OH, YEAH, I'LL JUST WATCH.

YEAH, I'LL JUST WATCH.

AHHH!

LET ME GET A SHOWER IN WILL YA,

PLEASE?

CAN I WATCH YOU TAKE A SHOWER?

CAN I WATCH YOU TAKE A SHOWER?

CAN I SLIP THE SOAP THROUGH

THE FRONT OF YOUR LEGS AND

TAKE IT OUT THE BACK?"

"GO TO WORK, YOU IDIOTS."

"15 GUYS PLUMBING."

(CHEER

HAVE BEEN MARRIED SUCH A LONG

TIME NOW WE PLAY THESE LITTLE

SEXUAL FANTASY GAMES, YOU KNOW?

LIKE WE HAVE THIS ONE WHERE

MY WIFE DRESSES UP LIKE A NURSE,

THEN I DRESS UP LIKE A NURSE,

ALSO.

AND THEN WE DON'T EVEN HAVE SEX,

EITHER.

WE JUST SIT BEHIND THIS HUGE

SEMI-CIRCULAR WOODEN DESK AND

GET ANNOYED WHEN PEOPLE BUZZ US

FOR JUICE.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S A TERRIBLE GAME.

THE HOSE MAKE ME CHAFF.

THE LITTLE WHITE HAT DOESN'T

FIT ME.

REGARDING SEX, I'D LIKE TO REFER

TO MY WIFE AS CIRCUIT CITY,

BECAUSE SHE HAS NO INTEREST

UNTIL JANUARY OF NEXT YEAR.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

PUT NO MONEY DOWN, EITHER.

SO THAT'S A PLUS.

SO SOMETIMES WHEN I'M GIVING IT

TO MY WIFE, 'CAUSE I'M A

ROMANTIC, THAT'S WHAT I DO,

I GIVE IT TO HER, YOU KNOW?

PEOPLE SAY, YOU HAVE SEX?

AHHH...

GIVING IT TO HER.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I'M GIVING IT

TO HER, SOMETIMES...

YOU KNOW, SOME GUYS MIGHT GET

A LITTLE MIFFED IF DURING

LOVE-MAKING, YOU KNOW,

I GET A LITTLE CRAZY...

OHHH, ARGGHH, AEIII...

"ARE YOU HAVING SPASMS?"

OHHH, ARGGHH, AEIII...

YOU KNOW, MAYBE SOME GUYS HAVE

A PROBLEM IF THEIR WOMAN SAYS,

"ARE YOU IN?"

(LAUGHTER)

"NO.

I'M DONE!"

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