Monday, June 8, 2015

  • 06/08/2015

Godfrey, Sean Donnelly and Jen Kirkman translate emoji into political platforms, sift through insignificant female roles from "Entourage" and heckle robots.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'SINTERNET HEADLINES

IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

WE NOTICED SOMETHINGFUNNY TRENDING ON SUNDAY NIGHT.

TWITTER WAS DOMINATED BYTHREE OF THE MOST WILDLY

DISPARATE GROUPS YOU WOULDLIKELY NEVER SEE TOGETHER IN

REAL LIFE.

SPORTS HEADS TWEETING ABOUTTHE NBA FINALS.

GAME OF THRONIES BURNING UPTWITTER WITH THEIR DRAGON TWEETS

AND BROADWAY BUFFS USINGTHEIR JAZZ HANDS TO LIVE-TWEET

THE TONY AWARDS.

JOCKS, GEEKS AND GAYS,TWITTER'S HOLY TWINITY.

THE OVERLAP OF THIS TELE-VENNDIAGRAM WOULD REPRESENTPROBABLY

ONE PERSON IN AMERICA WHO WASACTIVELY FOLLOWING ALL

THREE AT THE SAME TIME.

SO WE COULDN'T RESISTCREATING WHAT THIS WOULD

HAVE LOOKED LIKE.

ACTUALLY, I WOULD WATCHALL OF THAT, MASHED UP.

(APPLAUSE)>> SO COMEDIANS, PLEASE GIVE

ME A SCHIZO LIVE TWEET FROMTHIS HOOPS-LOVIN',

DRAGON-MOTHERIN',THEATER-CELEBRATIN' INDIVIDUAL.

>> LEBRON IS ON FIRE, THATDRAGON IS BREATHING FIRE AND

ALAN CUMMING IS FLAMING.

>> POINTS.

>> NOT BAD, NOT A BAD ONE.(APPLAUSE)

>> POLITICIANS WILL DOANYTHING FOR A VOTE.

TODAY KEZIA DUGDALE, WHOIS VYING TO BECOME THE NEXT

LEADER OF THE SCOTTISHLABOUR PARTY, ANSWERED A FEW

BUZZFEED INTERVIEWQUESTIONS USING ENTIRELY EMOJI.

SEE RIGHT THERE.

VERY HAPPY AND THEN A LADYAND THEN I'M LOST.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENS AFTERTHAT.

SO IN HONOR OF THE NEW USEOF EMOJI LET'S DO A QUICK

ROUND OF SWEET EMOJICAMPAIGN EDITION.

SO COMEDIANS I'M GONNA SHOW YOUA SERIES OF EMOJI,

AND I WANT YOU TO TRANSLATE ITINTO A POLITICAL PLATFORM.

GODFREY LET'S START WITHYOU.

HERE IS YOUR EMOJI.

I WOULD LIKE YOU TO TRANSLATETHIS INTO A POLITICAL PLATFORM.

>> SMOKING IS BAD BUTSHOOTING UP AT CHURCH, WELL

YOU'LL GET A THUMB UP IN YOURASS FROM YOURS TRULY.

>> POINTS.

>> A THUMBS DOWN YOUR ASS.THUMB UP AND DOWN, YEAH.

>> THUMB UP AND DOWN.

>> IN CHURCH, IT'S HAPPENED.

IT'S DEFINITELY HAPPENED.

I'M IRISH CATHOLIC, IT'SHAPPENED.

>> ALTAR BOY CONFESSIONS.

>>CHRIS: YOU CAN SHOOT UP ALLYOU WANT IN THIS CHURCH, BUT NO

SMOKING, OKAY?

UH, SEAN.

>> OKAY. HERE WE GO.

IF ELECTED I WILL REMAKEHOME ALONE WITH A FARTING

CAT AND JACK NICHOLSON.

>> OKAY, POINTS.

>> YOU HAVE MY VOTE.

YOU HAVE MY VOTE!

>> WITHOUT DOESN'T WANTTHAT?

WHO DOESN'T WANT THAT?

>> WOW.

>>CHRIS: JEN KIRKMAN THIS ISYOURS.

>> I WILL SHOOT ROB FORDINTO SPACE AND THEN WILL

PARTY AT HIS HOUSE WITH ALLOF HIS PIMPS.

>> YEAH, YEAH.

THAT WAS ALMOST WORD FORWORD ROB FORD'S CAMPAIGN

PLATFORM.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

WE LOVE YOU GUYS, OUR FANS, ANDWE THINK YOU DO A HILARIOUS JOB

IN DOGPILING IN THE#HASHTAGWARS BUT WE'RE GETTING

PRESSURE FROM THE SUITS BACK ATCCHQ TO JACK OUR SOCIAL MEDIA

NUMBERS BY ANY CYNICAL MEANSNECESSARY.

SPECIFICALLY, GIVING THEHOARDS OF 14-YEAR-OLD GIRLS

THAT ACTUALLY RULE THE WORLDTHE PLATFORM FOR TALKING ABOUT

THEMSELVES.

WE WANT TONIGHT'S HASHTAGNUMBERS TO KNOCK OUR CORPORATE

PAYMASTERS DICKS OFF

SO WITH THAT THE FACT THAT TODAYIS

APPARENTLY NATIONAL BESTFRIENDS DAY, A HOLIDAY THAT

NO ONE WAS AWARE OF UNTIL ITSTARTED TRENDING.

IN OUR MIND, THE HASHTAG SHOULDBE MY BEST FRIENDS ARE.

MY BEST FRIENDS ARE, YOUGUYS, EXAMPLES MIGHT BE ALL

IN MY HEAD AND TELL ME TOKILL.

OR CAT, CATS AND MORE CATS.

SO I WILL PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK.

AN BEGIN.

>> MY BEST FRIENDS ARE TREES.WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO CUT MY

FRIENDS DOWN?

>>CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS.

GODFREY.

>> MY BEST FRIENDS ARE COPSFROM BALTIMORE--NOT.

>>CHRIS: POINTS.

>> #THINK I'M INTERESTED INHANGING OUT WITH YOUR

CHILDREN.

>>CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

>> MY BEST FRIENDS ARE BILL,TONY, BUT NOT YOU, BRENDA.

>>CHRIS: OH, BRENDA.POINTS.

JEN.

>> MY BEST FRIENDS AREGOING TO PRETEND THEY

WATCHED ME ON @MIDNIGHTTONIGHT.

>>CHRIS: YES, POINTS.SEAN

>> MY BEST FRIENDS AREFACEBOOK, NETFLIX BUT NOT

YOU LINKEDIN.

>>CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS.

YEAH, LINKEDIN IS THEBRENDA OF SOCIAL NETWORKS.

POINTS.

JEN.

>>MY BEST FRIENDS ARE[BLEEP] WHEN I'M DRUNK, JUST

AS A JOKE.

>>CHRIS: YOU'RE SO GOOD IN@MIDNIGHT.

>> DID YOU REALLY WATCH IT?

THAT'S ME.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY THENUANCED ROLES FOR WOMEN IN

ENTOURAGE.

THE MELISSA MCCARTHY ACTIONCOMEDY SPY WHICH IS

HILARIOUS AND HAS A 95% ONROTTEN TOMATOES AND YOU

SHOULD GO SEE IT, RULEDTHE BOX OFFICE THIS WEEKEND

RAKING IN $30 MILLION, ANDHANDILY TROUNCING THE JEREMY

PIVEN HAIR PLUG VEHICLE,ENTOURAGE.

WHICH ONLY MANAGED TOSQUEEZE 10 MILLION BUCKS OUT OF

ITS SUBHUMAN FAN BASE.

DREAM LARGE, FAIL LARGER.I MEAN...

SO MEANWHILE ON FUNNY ORDIE COMEDIAN GIL OZERI STAYED

UP FOR 54 HOURS WATCHING EVERYEPISODE OF ENTOURAGE THIS

WEEKEND AND RIGHT BEFORE HEWENT INSANE HE COUNTED HOW

MANY TIMES FEMALE CHARACTERSTALK TO EACH OTHER DURING

EIGHT SEASONS OF THE SHOW.

IN GUYS, IN EIGHT SEASON,THE TOTAL 8.5 TIMES.

8.5 TIMES.

8.5 TIMES THAT A WOMANWAS NOT JUST A PROP ONENTOURAGE.

>> WOW.

>>CHRIS: DOES ENTOURAGE HAVE APROBLEM WITH STRONG FEMALE

CHARACTERS? MAYHAPS.

WE SPENT FIVE MINUTESCOMBING THE ENTOURAGE IMDB

PAGE AND FOUND A PLETHORA OFFULLY-FORMED ROLES FOR WOMEN

ALL THE WAY RANGING FROM MODELAND

GYM MODEL TO THE INCREDIBLYNUANCED BIKINI GIRL.

SO I'M GONNA SHOW YOU ANACTOR FROM IMDB AND BASED ON THE

TASTEFUL PHOTOS IN WHICH NOWAY OBJECTIFY THEM, YOU HAVE

TO GUESS WHICH OF THESE TWOREAL CHARACTERS THEY

PORTRAYED IN THE ENTOURAGEMOVIE BECAUSE [BLEEP] KNOWS

YOU DIDN'T GO SEE IT IN THETHEATER.

FIRST ONE, THIS YOUNG ACTOR.

WAS SHE GIVEN THE ROLE OF ALIFETIME AS RAVER MODEL OR

TOPLESS YACHT GIRL.

SHE HAS BEEN SHRUNK DOWNTO THE HEAD OF A TOOTHBRUSH.

GODFREY.

>> TOPLESS YACHT GIRL.

>> LET'S FIND OUT.

>> YES, TOPLESS YACHT GIRL.

(APPLAUSE)>> UNCREDITED.

>> THIS PHOTO SHOWS THATBOTOX ISN'T JUST FOR WOMEN,

LOOK IT, HE'S GETTING>>CHRIS: OH, [BLEEP].

>> HIS FOREHEAD IS PERFECT.

>> WHY DOES KEVIN DILLON'S FACELOOK LIKE A V FOR VENDETTA MASK?

>> HOW ABOUT THIS NOT AT ALLEXPLOITED ACTOR?

WAS SHE ASKED TO BRING GRAVITASTO THE ROLE OF THE SUSHI GIRL

OR YELLING LADY IN THE CAR?

JENNIFER.

>> THANK YOU.

I AM GOING TO GUESS YELLINGLADY IN THE CAR.

>> SHE DOESN'T REALLYSEEM LIKE SHE'S YELLING

THERE. DO YOU FEEL LIKESHE'S GOING TO EMOTE IN THE

CAR?

>> OR SHE'S ONE OF THOSE GIRLSTHAT LAYS DOWN WITH SUSHI

ALL OVER HER BODY AND IFEEL LIKE IN HOLLYWOOD,

SHE'S LIKE NOT ANOREXICENOUGH FOR THAT ROLE.

SO I FEEL LIKE IN HOLLYWOODTHAT WOULD BE LIKE OH, JUST

LET HER YELL, GROSS.

>> THE CORRECT ANSWER--[BLEEP] HOLLYWOOD.

THE ANSWER IS THE SUSHI GIRL.

>> YOU THINK THERE WAS ASCENE LATER WHEN ONE OF THE

GUYS WAS DUDE, SHE WAS HOTBUT SHE KIND OF

SMELLED LIKE FISH.

>> HOW DO YOU THINK HERAGENT BROKE THE NEWS TO HER

THAT SHE GOT THE PART OF SUSHIGIRL?

>> DOES SHE HAVE AN AGENT OR ARUSSIAN MOB BOYFRIEND?

>> YOU WANT MY GIRLFRIEND TOLAY DOWN WITH SUSHI ALL OVER

THE PUSSY, HUH?

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

EXTRA $1,000 TO SHOW SUSHIPUSSY.

>> NEXT UP WAS SHERESPECTFULLY CAST AS GIRL

DANCING UNCREDITED ON BOBSAGET'S GIRL NUMBER ONE?

THIS GIRL LOOKS LIKE SHEWOULD HAVE CO-HOSTED

SINGLED OUT WITH ME.

>> BOB SAGET'S GIRL NUMBERONE.

>>CHRIS: I THINK YOU MIGHT BERIGHT.

THERE IT IS.

>> YES.

>> AND HER AGENT'S LIKE, "YOUHAVE TO BE IN A BATHING SUIT."

"FOR A BEACH SCENE?"

"NO, YOU'RE IN A SNEAKERSTORE."

BEFORE THE BREAK, I SHOWEDYOU GERMAN DIRECTOR UWE

BOLL'S CRAZY RANT TO HISFANS WHO WOULDN'T FUND HIS

KICKSTARTER AND ASKED YOU TOMAKE YOUR OWN FAILED

CROWDFUNDING VIDEO RANT. LET'SSEE WHAT YOU CAME UP WITH.

GODFREY WE WILL START WITH YOURVIDEO.

>> OKAY, SO NO ONE WANTS TOSEE JUDI DENCH BEING

TITTY(BLEEP) BY A LOBSTER

FINE. GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF.

I THINK YOU DON'T WANT TOSEE MICHAEL CAINE

BEING SODOMIZED BY A STARFISH.

GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF.

>> NICE JOB.

>> CHRIS: SEAN.

>> WHY DIDN'T YOU GUYS DONATE TOMY IDEA?

IT WAS DOG AIRBNB. NO, NOT ADOG HOTEL.

WE SHRINK YOU DOWN AND YOULIVE IN A DOG FOR A WEEKEND.

WHO DOESN'T WANT TO LIVE IN DOGFOR THE WEEKEND?

EVERYBODY LOVE DOG.

WHERE IS MY FRESCA?!

>>CHRIS: JEN KIRKMAN, LET'S SEEYOURS.

>> YOU KNOW, ALL I WANTEDFROM YOU IDIOTS WAS A SIMPLE

400,000 DOLLARS TO PUT A SIGNABOVE MY EX-BOYFRIEND FROM HIGH

SCHOOL'S HOUSE THAT SAYS "YOURWIFE DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU LIKE I

DO. WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE HER?"

BUT APPARENTLY YOU IDIOTS,ANIMALS, DON'T BELIEVE IN

LOVE. GO [BLEEP] YOURSELVES.

>> YEAH, JEN.

>> OH, MAN.

>>CHRIS: THANK YOU, THANK YOUFOR TAKING US ON AN ACCENT

JOURNEY AROUND THE GLOBE.

>> THAT WAS LIKE EPCOTCENTER.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME, DERPACHALLENGE.

THE DARPA ROBOTICS CHALLENGEFINALS WERE HELD IN POMONA,

CALIFORNIA THIS WEEKEND. HERE'SSOME HIGHLIGHTS POSTED

TO GAWKER.

OH NO!.

>> OH THE MOST TERRIFYINGONES. THERE WAS A ROBOT

[BLEEP] DRIVING A CAR.

WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE.

>> ENGINEERS WERE APPARENTLYTASKED WITH PROGRAMMING A

ROBOT TO MIMIC TOM SIZEMOREWALKING INTO A JEEP AT 2 A.M.

THROUGH A CHEESECAKEFACTORY PARKING LOT

BUT WHILE ALL THAT SCIENCEWAS HAPPENING,

THE FRANKLIN HALF-MARATHON WASGOING ON IN

FRANKLIN, TENNESSEE ANDSHIRTLESS MOONSHINEERS FROM AS

FAR AWAY AS BOOGER GULCH CAME BYTO DAY DRINK AND HECKLE

RUNNERS FOR NO REASONWHATSOEVER.

I AM FROM TENNESSEE, I'M NOTPROUD OF THIS.

TAKE A LOOK.

>>I'M SO PROUD TO BE ATENNESSEEAN

>> WHY ARE YOU DOINGSOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE?

>> THERE IS AN UMBRELLACOVERING NOBODY.

>>CHRIS: WELL, I CAN'T VERY WELLSIT RIGHT THERE.

>> I FEEL LIKE THEY'RERIDICULE IS MISPLACED AND I

WISH THOSE GUYS HAD BEEN AT THEDARPA ROBOTICS

CHALLENGE, HECKLING ONBEHALF OF HUMANITY.

I WILL PLAY THIS VIDEO OFTHE CLUMSY CYBORGS WHO WILL

KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF US.

AND I WANT YA'LL TO TAUNT THEMLIKE THAT

UNWASHED JUG BAND OFHILLBILLIES

I WILL PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK NOW AND BEGIN.

GODFREY.

>> GO BACK TO KENYA, ROBAMA.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> TRANSFORM YOURSELF INTO ABEER CAN SO I CAN SMASH YOU

ON MY HEAD.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> GODFREY.

>> MY TOASTER OVEN CAN RUNFASTER THAN THAT YOU LAWNMOWER

MOTHER [BLEEP].

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> TURN YOURSELF INTO AJUKEBOX AND PLAY FREEBIRD,

GODDAMMIT.

>> IT'S WALL-E NOT WALL-STEVE.

>>CHRIS: POINTS.

>> YOU KNOW IN A WAY THIS ISACTUALLY KIND OF BEAUTIFUL,

MAN AND MACHINE COMINGTOGETHER LIKE THIS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.