Benny, Ifft, Lukas

  • Season 4, Ep 0402
  • 01/16/2001

D.C. Benny vents about his anti-Semitic dog, Eddie Ifft explains why he can't hold on to his money, and Mike Lucas describes the perks and pitfalls of living with someone.

LOOK AT THIS STAGE, HUH?

PRETTY HIGH-TECH STUFF,

ISN'T IT?

THERE'S TOO MUCH TECHNOLOGY

NOWADAYS.

ISN'T THERE?

I DON'T TRUST TECHNOLOGY, MAN.

WAY TOO MUCH OF IT.

YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT TECHNOLOGY'S

GONNA DO, DO YOU?

HUH?

YOU EVER HAVE THIS HAPPEN?

YOU PHONE YOUR BUDDY AT HOME

OR AT WORK AND FOR SOME FREAKY,

TECHNOLOGICAL REASON,

YOU GET PASSED THROUGH TO THEIR

FAX LINE BY MISTAKE.

AND INSTEAD OF HEARING THEIR

WARM, COMFORTING, FAMILIAR

VOICE, YOU GET THAT HORRIBLE

NOISE.

IT'S LIKE--

(IMITATING FAX BEEPING)

(LAUGHTER)

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "CHEWBACA?"

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

AND YOU DON'T WANT TO FEEL LIKE

A COMPLETE LOSER, SO YOU TRY

TO HAVE A CONVERSATION, ANYWAYS.

YOU'RE LIKE--

(IMITATING CHEWBACA)

(LAUGHTER)

MAN, EVERYTHING'S "STAR WARS"

NOWADAYS, ISN'T IT, MAN?

YOU GO OUT TO DINNER

WITH A FRIEND.

BETWEEN THEIR BEEPING WATCH,

THEIR PAGER, THEIR CELL PHONE,

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE OUT WITH R2-D2

FOR THE EVENING, ISN'T IT?

ALL YOU HEAR ALL NIGHT IS

(IMITATING R2-D2 NOISES)

IT'S LIKE HALFWAY THROUGH

YOUR MEAL YOU'RE LIKE,

"I SAY, R2.

THIS REALLY IS A FINE

CHEESEBURGER."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

GOD, DO I LOOK HEALTHY?

DO YOU NOTICE, I GOT A LITTLE

BIT OF A TAN?

ANYONE NOTICE THAT?

I TELL YA, MAN, THOSE

TANNING BOOTHS ARE DANGEROUS.

I WENT IN ONE FOR THE FIRST

TIME, DIDN'T REALLY KNOW HOW

IT WORKED.

THEY GAVE ME THOSE

LITTLE GLASSES.

HAVE YOU SEEN THEM,

THOSE LITTLE TINY GLASSES?

I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE THEY WERE

SUPPOSED TO GO.

BY ACCIDENT, I PUT THEM ON

MY TESTICLES.

I GET HOME THAT NIGHT, GET NAKED

IN FRONT OF MY LADY, SHE KICKS

ME RIGHT IN THE JEWELS.

SHE THOUGHT THERE WAS A GIANT

DRAGONFLY LOOSE IN THE ROOM.

(LAUGHTER)

A BIG, JUICY DRAGONFLY FLAPPING

AROUND THE ROOM LIKE A WING NUT.

HOW YOU DOING, BUDDY?

YOU OKAY?

GOOD TO HAVE YOU HERE.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, FELLA?

>> AUDIENCE MEMBER: JOHN.

>> HARLAND: JOHN,

WHAT A WONDERFUL TREAT.

WHAT DO YOU DO THESE DAYS, JOHN?

HOW DO YOU FILL YOUR DAYS,

FELLA?

>> JOHN: I TRANSLATE LEGAL

DOCUMENTS.

>> HARLAND: YOU TRANSLATE.

WHAT DO YOU TRANSLATE, JOHN?

>> JOHN: FROM KOREAN TO ENGLISH.

>> HARLAND: FROM KOREAN TO

ENGLISH.

ALL RIGHT.

TRY THIS ONE:

(LAUGHTER)

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

WHAT DID I SAY, BUDDY?

>> JOHN: YOU SAID THERE'S A BIG

DRAGONFLY LOOSE IN YOUR ROOM.

>> HARLAND: THERE'S A BIG

DRAGONFLY LOOSE IN MY ROOM.

YES!

HE'S GOOD.

HE IS GOOD.

YEAH.

I CAME HERE FROM BROOKLYN.

BROOKLYN'S A LOT DIFFERENT THAN

LOS ANGELES, YOU KNOW,

LITTLE THINGS.

LIKE YESTERDAY MORNING I WAS

IN THE PARK.

I SAW THIS OLD MAN DOING

TAI CHI.

I WAS LIKE, "THAT IS BEAUTIFUL."

THEN I LOOKED CLOSER AND IT

WASN'T AN OLD MAN DOING TAI CHI.

IT WAS ONE OF THOSE HEROIN GUYS

THAT NEVER FALLS OVER.

(LAUGHTER)

WE HAVE, UH, WE HAVE OUR CABS

HERE, TOO, NOW.

IN MANHATTAN WHEN YOU TRY TO

CATCH A CAB TO BROOKLYN,

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

YOU KNOW?

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE I'LL GET

ONE.

IT'LL ALWAYS BE THE ANGRY GUY

FROM THE MIDDLE EAST WHO IS

PUNISHING ME BECAUSE I WANT

TO GO TO BROOKLYN, BY DRIVING

EXTRA RECKLESSLY.

YOU KNOW, "THIS IS FOR BROOKLYN.

THIS IS FOR THE GULF WAR."

"UH, IS-- IS THIS THE QUICKEST

ROUTE?"

"ALLAH IS MY COMPASS."

(LAUGHTER)

I DON'T LIKE DOING SHOWS IN

BROOKLYN.

I ALWAYS GET HECKLED, YOU KNOW,

LITTLE KIDS, 2 YEARS OLD

IN THE BABY CARRIAGES WITH

THE RIMS AND THE TINTED WINDOWS.

YEAH.

SHAKE OUT THEIR FORMULA BOTTLES.

"YO.

THIS IS FOR THE BROTHERS THAT

AIN'T HERE NO MORE."

(LAUGHTER)

THE ONE THING I LIKE ABOUT

NEW YORK IS THAT IT'S ETHNICALLY

DIVERSE.

SO I FIT RIGHT IN.

LIKE, PEOPLE DON'T KNOW WHAT

I AM, YOU KNOW?

WHITE GUYS THINK I'M

PUERTO RICAN.

PUERTO RICANS ALWAYS THINK

I'M A COP.

(LAUGHTER)

IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD WHERE

I LIVE, THERE'S A FORTUNETELLER.

YOU KNOW, I'D NEVER BEEN THERE,

SO I DECIDED I WAS GONNA GO.

IT WAS SUCH A SCAM.

YOU KNOW, THE LADY HAD A

CRYSTAL BALL.

SHE WAS PREDICTING THE MOST

UNAMAZING STUFF, YOU KNOW.

"I SEE IN YOUR FUTURE A TALL,

DARK MAN WITH BIG FOREHEAD."

I'M LIKE, "THAT'S MY REFLECTION,

YOU KNOW."

(LAUGHTER)

"SILENCE.

DO NOT MOCK THE POWER.

I SEE YOU ARE CAMBODIAN--

NO, CANADIAN-- NO.

CUSTODIAN.

YES.

YOU ARE CUSTODIAN."

I'M LIKE, "I'M A COMEDIAN.

YOU GOT SPELL-CHECK ON THAT

BALL?

(LAUGHTER)

DO YOU SEE 'REFUND'?"

IT'S

HE CALLS ME UP.

HE'S LIKE, "I'M GAY."

I WAS LIKE "WHAT?"

I HAD THE THESAURUS OUT.

I'M LIKE, "YOU MEAN FESTIVE;

RIGHT?

GREGARIOUS.

ONE WHO IS PREDISPOSED TO FITS

OF FROLICKING."

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

AND MY DAD WASN'T TAKING IT

WELL.

YOU KNOW, HE'S WALKING AROUND

THE HOUSE LIKE, "OH, JESUS.

OH, JESUS."

AND HE'S JEWISH.

SO HE'S REACHING FOR ANY HELP

HE CAN GET.

YOU KNOW?

(LAUGHTER)

I TOLD HIM, I WAS LIKE,

"POP, IT COULD BE WORSE.

A LOT OF 17-YEAR-OLDS JOIN

GANGS."

YOU KNOW, YOU NEVER HEAR ABOUT

ANY GAY GANGS.

"LOS HOMOS LOCOS."

DO, LIKE, DRIVE-BY

REDECORATIONS.

YES.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

MY MOST RECENT TRIP WAS TO

JAMAICA.

THAT WAS COOL.

I HAD A GOOD TIME.

I GOT STOPPED AT CUSTOMS,

THOUGH.

THE LADY WAS LIKE,

"ARE YOU BRINGING ANY DRUGS INTO

JAMAICA?"

I WAS LIKE, "DRUGS INTO JAMAICA?

THAT'S LIKE BRINGING SLIMFAST

TO ETHIOPIA."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SO I'M MARRIED.

I LIVE IN BROOKLYN WITH MY WIFE.

SHE'S BEEN COMPLAINING ABOUT OUR

SEX LIFE LATELY.

SHE'S LIKE, "WE NEED TO DO

SOMETHING NEW," YOU KNOW.

SO THE OTHER NIGHT, SHE COMES

HOME.

SHE'S LIKE, "WE'RE GONNA DO

FANTASIES.

FIRST WE'LL DO MY FANTASY.

THEN WE'LL DO YOUR FANTASY."

I'M LIKE, "OKAY."

SO WE'RE DOING HER FANTASY.

I'M SCATTERING ROSE PETALS

ON THE BED.

BARRY WHITE'S PLAYING.

I'M LIGHTING CANDLES.

I'M LIKE, "THIS FANTASY SUCKS.

LET'S DO MY FANTASY."

SHE'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."

I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."

UH, I'M A COLOMBIAN CUSTOMS

OFFICIAL.

AND YOU'RE A DRUG MULE SMUGGLING

STUFF IN EVERY ORIFICE OF YOUR

BODY.

AND I'M GONNA DO A FULL BODY

CAVITY SEARCH."

SHE'S LIKE "UGH.

I DON'T LIKE THAT FANTASY."

"QUIET! DON'T TALK BACK

TO THE JEFE.

I KNOW THERE'S A KILO

IN THE CHO-CHA."

ME.

THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM.

I'M JEWISH.

YOU KNOW.

I'M JEWISH.

I HAVE A GERMAN SHEPHERD.

THAT'S A BAD COMBINATION,

YOU KNOW.

'CAUSE HE'S ALWAYS LOOKING AT ME

LIKE HE'S THINKING ABOUT THE

GOOD OLD DAYS.

(LAUGHTER)

THE WORST PART ABOUT HIM IS,

YOU KNOW, WE NEVER GOT HIM

FIXED, SO HE'S HORNY ALL THE

TIME.

AND HE HUMPS EVERYTHING IN THE

APARTMENT.

YOU KNOW, THE CATS ARE LIKE

GRRRR.

YOU KNOW.

AND HE LOVES TO HUMP MY WIFE'S

LEG AND HE LOOKS AT ME WHILE

HE'S DOING IT, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, "THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN

DO ABOUT IT. JA.

WHERE IS YOUR MESSIAH NOW?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

(WHISTLES AND CHEERING)

ONE THING I MISS WHILE I'M HERE

IS THE LOCAL CABLE ACCESS SHOWS,

YOU KNOW.

THAT'S ALWAYS EXCITING.

'CAUSE YOU CATCH SOME WEIRD

MUSIC VIDEOS.

I SAW BEFORE I LEFT AN INDIAN

RAP ARTIST, WHICH IS--

IT WAS COOL, MAN.

THIS GUY COME OUT.

HE'S LIKE, "(BLEEP)-DAMNIT,

THIS IS BUM-STICKITY.

(LAUGHTER)

♪ (RAPPING) I MAKE MY STUFF FLOW

♪ JUST LIKE OLD--

♪ ...LOW SLUNG PANTS

♪ AND FAT TIMBERLANDS

♪ AND I'M STRICTLY FORTY OUNCE

♪ NEVER, EVER USE A CANDLE

♪ I GOT A CASEWORKER WHOSE NAME

♪ IS SAM

♪ BAM, SLAM,

♪ GREEN EGGS AND HAM

♪ I'M LOOSE LIKE DR. SUESS,

♪ 'CAUSE SAM I AM

♪ WHAM, BAM, THANK YOU, MA'AM

♪ I'M SPICY LIKE CODY,

♪ NOT BLAND LIKE SPAM

♪ I GOT THE YEAR-ROUND TAN

♪ I WATCH C-SPAN

♪ I BUSTED MORE COLUMNS THAN A

♪ RUBBER BAND MAN

♪ 'CAUSE MY STUFF'S IN DEMAND,

♪ JUST LIKE A NAME BRAND

♪ WHEN I COME TO THE JAM,

♪ I GOT MY JOHNSON IN MY HAND

♪ I COULD GO ON FOREVER

♪ LIKE A LAY-AWAY PLAN

♪ MY DIME'S KEEP CALLIN'

♪ JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME

♪ AND I'M HARD ON THE ASS

♪ LIKE A ELECTRICAL EXAM

♪ 'CAUSE I'M A GANGSTER

♪ PUNJABI FROM PAKISTAN

ALL RIGHT.

WOW, COLLEGE.

WHOO.

HA, HA, HA.

MAN, YOU MOVE OUT OF COLLEGE,

WHERE DO YOU GO?

A LOT OF PEOPLE MOVE IN WITH

THEIR PARENTS, HUH?

YEAH.

I WASN'T THAT PATHETIC.

I DIDN'T MOVE IN WITH MY

PARENTS.

I MOVED IN WITH MY SISTER.

SHE'S GOT A NICE PLACE.

I LIKE IT.

I LIKE LIVING WITH MY SISTER,

EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT SHE'S

GOT A REAL JOB.

THIS IS ALL I DO.

IT'S FUNNY, THOUGH, 'CAUSE

SHE COMES HOME FROM WORK,

AND SHE TRIES TO HAVE THESE

INTELLIGENT CONVERSATIONS

WITH ME.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, SHE WORKS

ON WALL STREET.

IT'S PRETTY FUNNY.

SHE'LL COME HOME.

SHE'LL BE LIKE, "HEY, EDDIE,

DID YOU HEAR THAT THE DOW JONES

WENT DOWN 634 POINTS DUE TO

SPECULATION IN HONG TONG'S

CURRENCY?"

AND I'M LIKE...

"OH, YEAH?

DAISY GOT KIDNAPPED ON

'THE DUKES OF HAZARDS TODAY'."

(LAUGHTER)

SHE CAN BE EVIL.

SHE CAN BE EVIL, ONCE A MONTH.

AND-- YOU WOMEN, OH, MY GOD.

I'VE LEARNED SO MUCH ABOUT

THE PERIOD.

OH, MY GOD.

I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT IT.

I'M TELLING YA, I'M LIKE A PH.D.

IN THE PERIOD.

MY SISTER CALLED AND YELLED AT

ME THE OTHER DAY.

SHE'S SCREAMING AT ME ON

THE PHONE 'CAUSE, LIKE, THE SKY

WAS BLUE OR SOMETHING.

AND SHE'S YELLING AT ME.

AND THEN SHE HANGS UP,

AND THEN CALLS BACK TO

APOLOGIZE.

SHE IS LIKE, "I'M SORRY I YELLED

AT YOU.

I'M PMS'ING."

I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, I KNOW."

AND SHE'S LIKE, "HOW DO YOU

KNOW?"

AND I'M LIKE, "I KEEP A

CALENDAR, TOO."

(APPLAUSE)

I DO NOT MESS AROUND AT ALL.

I KNOW WAY TOO MUCH ABOUT THAT,

'CAUSE I GREW UP IN A HOUSEFUL

OF WOMEN.

I HAD, UH, 3 SISTERS.

AND YOU KNOW, WOMEN, WHEN THEY

LIVE TOGETHER, THEY GET ON

THE SAME CYCLE.

SO WHEN THEY WOULD HAVE THEIR

PERIOD, IT WAS LIKE THERE WAS

A NUCLEAR EXPLOSION IN MY HOUSE.

I ALWAYS KNEW I WAS IN TROUBLE,

YOU KNOW, WHEN I WOULD GO HOME

AND I'D FIND THOSE WRAPPERS OF

THE TAMPONS IN THE TRASH CAN.

THEY SHOULDN'T BE CALLED

WRAPPERS.

THEY SHOULD BE CALLED WARNINGS.

IT SHOULD JUST SAY RIGHT ON THE

LABEL: GET THE HELL OUT OF THE

HOUSE.

'CAUSE I WOULD SEE THEM AND

LIFE WOULD GO INTO SLOW MOTION

LIKE I WAS IN AN ACTION FILM.

I'D BE LIKE...

(SLOWLY) "NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O."

I'D START RUNNING DOWN THE

HALLWAY, LIKE--

(SLOWLY) OH, MY GOD.

MY DAD WOULD BE WAITING IN

THE BASEMENT/BOMB SHELTER WITH

A HELMET ON, GOING, "COME ON!

GET DOWN HERE!

HURRY UP!

WE'LL STAY DOWN FOR 5 DAYS UNTIL

THE WAR'S OVER."

(APPLAUSE)

SAVING PRIVATE EDDIE.

AND MY SISTERS NEVER LET ME--

LIKE, GROWING UP, I NEVER GOT

TO PLAY FOOTBALL OR BASEBALL

OR BASKETBALL.

THEY ALWAYS MADE ME PLAY THEIR

GAMES.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY MADE ME PLAY?

"CHARLIE'S ANGELS."

THAT'S NOT FUNNY, 'CAUSE THEY

WOULD BE THE ANGELS.

I'D BE CHARLIE.

THEY WOULD GO OUT AND PLAY

AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD,

AND I WOULD SIT HOME AND ANSWER

THE PHONE.

(LAUGHTER)

MY PARENTS DON'T GET STAND-UP

COMEDY AT ALL.

THEY DON'T KNOW WHY I'M DOING

THIS.

THEY'RE WORRIED ABOUT ME.

THEY THINK IT'S A PHASE

I'M GOING THROUGH.

THEY'RE REALLY HOPING I GO BACK

TO BREAK-DANCING.

MY MOM EVEN SAVED THE PARACHUTE

PANTS.

THEY WORRY, 'CAUSE THEY DON'T

THINK I MAKE ANY MONEY.

IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T MAKE

MONEY.

I JUST DON'T KNOW WHERE IT GOES.

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, I CAN'T

BALANCE A CHECKBOOK.

I SWEAR.

LIKE GOING TO AN A.T.M. FOR ME

IS A LOT LIKE PLAYING THE SLOT

MACHINES.

I NEVER KNOW IF ANYTHING'S GONNA

COME OUT OF THERE.

I GO UP PRAYING.

I'M LIKE, "COME ON!

SHOW ME A 20.

COME ON, LUCKY 20!"

IT COMES OUT AND I'M LIKE,

"JACKPOT!

YEAH.

I'M GONNA EAT TONIGHT.

IN FACT, I'LL BUY FOR EVERYBODY.

RAMEN NOODLES ALL AROUND!"

I AM ON THE INTERNET A LOT.

I TOLD YOU THAT.

AND I'M ON THERE ALL THE TIME.

I KNOW YOU GUYS LOVE THE

INTERNET.

I LOVE IT, TOO.

I AM OBSESSED.

I AM NOW THE QUEEN OF THE

LESBIAN CHAT LINES.

IT IS JUST ME AND 20 OTHER HORNY

18-YEAR-OLD GUYS ON THERE.

THAT'S ALL IT IS.

IT'S JUST GUYS PRETENDING

TO BE WOMEN.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

SOMETIMES I GET SO CAUGHT UP,

I FORGET WHAT I'M DOING.

I'M LIKE TYPING.

I'M LIKE "OH, YES.

OH, YES.

CARESS MY BREASTS, YES.

NOW TOUCH MY PENIS."

OOH!

BACKSPACE.

BACKSPACE.

BACKSPACE.

(LAUGHTER)

I MEAN VAGINA.

THANKS A LOT, EVERYBODY.