CC Presents: Stephen Lynch

  • 08/01/2000

MY NAME IS STEPHEN.

COULD EVERYBODY SAY,"HI, STEPHEN"?

[audience]HI, STEPHEN.

GOOD;YOU'RE A GOOD CROWD.

I CAN TELL.

NOW, YOUR FIRST-GRADE TEACHERTOLD ME

YOU GUYS WEREJUST ABOUT THE BEST CLASS

THAT SHE HAS EVER HAD,

SO SHE ASKED METO COME HERE TODAY

AND READ A STORY AND SINGSOME SONGS FOR YOU GUYS.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF FUN,DOESN'T IT?

[cheering and applause]

NOW, LET ME TELL YOUSOMETHING, KIDS.

WHEN YOU GROW UP,

YOU CAN BE ANYTHING IN THE WORLDYOU WANT TO BE.

THAT'S RIGHT--A DOCTOR,A LAWYER, AN ASTRONAUT,

EVEN A SUPERHERO.

WOW.

IF YOU COULD BE A SUPERHERO,

WHAT KIND OF SUPERHERO WOULD YOU BE?

BATMAN, SUPERMAN,

WONDER WOMANFOR SOME OF YOU GUYS UP THERE?

OR WOULD YOU USEYOUR IMAGINATION

AND MAKE UP ONE OF YOUR OWN?

♪ IF I COULD BE A SUPERHERO,

♪ I WOULD BE AWESOME MAN.

♪ I'D FLY AROUND THE WORLDFIGHTING CRIME ♪

♪ ACCORDINGTO MY AWESOME PLAN. ♪

♪ AND IF I SAW CRIMINALSTRYING TO LIE, ♪

♪ HURTING OTHER PEOPLEAND MAKING THEM CRY, ♪

♪ I'D HAUL THEM OFF TO JAILIN MY AWESOME VAN, ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I WOULD BEAWESOME MAN. ♪

NOW, SOME CRIMINALS WANT YOUTO BE A CRIMINAL,

AND THEY OFFER YOU THINGSLIKE DRUGS AND ALCOHOL.

BUT WE KNOW WHAT TO DO, KIDS.

WE'D JUST SAY "NO."

♪ IF I COULD BE A SUPERHERO,

♪ I WOULD BE DRUG-FREE BOY,

♪ TELLING THE WORLDOF THE EVILS OF DRUGS ♪

♪ AND ALL OF THE LIVESTHEY DESTROY. ♪

♪ WELL, I'D TAKE ALL THE JUNKIEHE'S GETTING SO HIGH ♪

♪ WITH THEIR NEEDLES AND BONGSAND THEIR STICKS MADE OF THAI. ♪

♪ AS I BURNED THEM ALIVE,I WOULD SQUEAL WITH JOY, ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I WOULD BEDRUG-FREE BOY. ♪

[whistling]

[blowing air]

[playing bouncy guitarinterlude]

♪ IF I COULD BE A SUPERHERO,

♪ I'D BE IMMIGRATION DUDE.

♪ I'D SEND ALL THE FOREIGNERSBACK TO THEIR HOMES ♪

♪ FOR EATING UPALL OF OUR FOOD ♪

♪ AND TAKING OUR WELFAREAND BEST JOBS, TO BOOT, ♪

♪ LIKE LANDSCAPING, DISHWASHING,PICKING OUR FRUIT. ♪

♪ I'D PASS A LOT OF LAWSTO GET RID OF THEIR BROOD, ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'D BEIMMIGRATION DUDE. ♪

NOW, KIDS, YOU CAN MAKE UPYOUR VERY OWN SUPERHERO.

IF YOU COULD,

WHO WOULD IT BE?

♪ IF I COULD BE A SUPERHERO,

♪ WOULD YOU BE JUSTICE GUY,

♪ MAKING SURE PEOPLE GETWHAT THEY DESERVE, ♪

♪ ESPECIALLY WOMEN WHO LIE?

♪ LIKE IF A WIFELEFT HER HUSBAND ♪

♪ WITH THREE KIDSAND NO JOB ♪

♪ TO RUN OFF TO HAWAIIWITH SOME DOCTOR NAMED BOB, ♪

♪ YOU COULD SKIN THEM AND DRAINTHEM OF BLOOD SO THEY'D DIE, ♪

♪ ESPECIALLY BOB.

♪ THEN YOU WOULD BEJUSTICE GUY. ♪

♪ OR YOU COULD BE MORE SUBTLE.

♪ NO, I DIDN'T MEANTO BE VAGUE. ♪

♪ GIVE HER THE MAD COW DISEASE;LET HIM DIE OF THE PLAGUE, ♪

♪ AS LONG AS THEY SUFFERFOR THEIR TERRIBLE LIE-- ♪

♪ ESPECIALLY BOB--

♪ THEN YOU WOULD BEJUSTICE GUY. ♪

♪ YES, THEN YOU WOULD BE

♪ A SUPERHERO LIKE ME. ♪

[applause]

THANK YOU.

AW, YOU KIDS ARE GREAT.

[applause]

AND I'VE BROUGHT A VERY SPECIALONE FOR YOU TODAY.

IT'S CALLED THE STORY OF STEPHEN AND HIS HILARIOUSLY FUNNY SONGS

OF A SUGGESTIVE AND QUESTIONABLE NATURE.

LET'S GET RIGHT TO IT,SHALL WE?

ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WAS A GUY NAMED STEPHEN.

NOW, WHEN STEPHENWAS GROWING UP, KIDS,

HE HAD A BESTEST FRIENDIN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD.

I BET YOU THAT EVERYBODYOUT HERE HAS A BEST FRIEND,

UNLESS YOU'RE KIND OF WEIRD

OR YOU SMELL FUNNYOR SOMETHING.

BUT STEPHEN'S BEST FRIEND'S NAMEWAS FRED.

HE LOVED TO PLAYWITH FRED OUTSIDE,

EVEN IF FRED WASA LITTLE...SPECIAL.

[mellow guitar intro]

♪ WHEN I WAS A BOY OF TEN,

♪ I HAD A VERY BEST FRIEND.

♪ FRED WAS KIND,WITH GOOD INTENT, ♪

♪ BUT JUST A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

♪ OH, SPECIAL FRED,

♪ MAMA DROPPED HIMON HIS HEAD. ♪

♪ NOW HE'S NOT SO BRIGHT;INSTEAD, ♪

♪ HE'S A LITTLE BIT SPECIAL,

♪ JUST A LITTLE BIT.

♪ WE'D PLAY TAG,AND HE'D GET HURT. ♪

♪ I'D PLAY SOLDIER;HE'D EAT DIRT. ♪

♪ I LIKED MATHAND A SPELLING BEE; ♪

♪ FRED LIKED TALKINGTO A TREE. ♪

♪ OH, SPECIAL FRED,

♪ MAMA DROPPED HIMON HIS HEAD. ♪

♪ NOW SHE KEEPS HIMIN THE SHED ♪

♪ 'CAUSE HE'SA LITTLE BIT SPECIAL, ♪

♪ JUST A LITTLE BIT.

♪ I RAN TRACK,HUNG OUT IN MALLS; ♪

♪ FRED RAN HEADFIRSTINTO WALLS. ♪

♪ I HAD GIRLSAND LOTS OF CLOTHES; ♪

♪ FRED HAD NAMESFOR ALL HIS TOES. ♪

♪ OH, SPECIAL FRED,

♪ MAMA DROPPED HIMON HIS HEAD. ♪

♪ NOW HE THINKSHE'S A PIECE OF BREAD ♪

♪ 'CAUSE HE'SA LITTLE BIT SPECIAL, ♪

♪ JUST A LITTLE BIT.

♪ ONE DAY,TALKING TO SPECIAL FRED, ♪

♪ HE GRABBED A BRICKAND HE SWUNG AT MY HEAD. ♪

♪ AND AS HE LAUGHED AT ME,THAT'S WHEN I KNEW ♪

♪ THAT SPECIAL FREDJUST MADE ME SPECIAL TOO. ♪

♪ OHHHH...

♪ NOW I LAUGHAS I COUNT BUGS. ♪

♪ I GIVE STRANGERSGREAT BIG HUGS. ♪

♪ NEXT TO ME,FRED IS FINE. ♪

♪ YEAH, HE'SA ...ING EINSTEIN. ♪

♪ OH, SPECIAL FREDAND ME, ♪

♪ NOW WE'RE NOT RIGHTIN THE HEAD, YOU SEE. ♪

♪ NOW WE'RE NOT SO BRIGHT;INSTEAD, ♪

♪ WE'RE A LITTLE BIT SPECIAL,

♪ JUST A LITTLE BIT SPECIAL.

♪ THAT BASTARD FREDMADE ME SPECIAL, ♪

♪ JUST A LITTLE BIT...

♪ JUST A LITTLE BIT SPECIAL. ♪

[applause]

NOW, KIDS, DO YOU KNOWWHAT A DIVORCE IS?

YEAH, IT--

[laughter]

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

IT'S WHEN YOUR MOMMY AND DADDYDON'T LIVE TOGETHER ANYMORE,

AND IT'S VERY HARD ON KIDS.

AND STEPHEN HAD A LITTLE GIRL,MEGAN, WHO WAS ABOUT YOUR AGE,

AND SHE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHYHER MOMMY WASN'T AROUND AS MUCH,

SO STEPHEN WROTE HER A LITTLELULLABY TO EXPLAIN IT.

[applause and shouting]

♪ HUSH, LITTLE GIRL.

♪ SWEET BABY, DON'T CRY

♪ TONIGHT.

♪ DADDY'S HERE,

♪ AND HE'LL SING YOUA SOFT LULLABY ♪

♪ TONIGHT.

♪ WHY CAN'T IT ALL BELIKE IT WAS BEFORE? ♪

♪ HOW CAN I EXPLAINWHY MOMMY'S NOT HERE ANYMORE? ♪

♪ 'CAUSE DADDY LIKES PORNOAND $10 WHORES. ♪

♪ DADDY GETS WASTEDAND ROBS LIQUOR STORES. ♪

♪ DADDY LIKES RUBBING AGAINSTLITTLE BOYS ON THE BUS. ♪

♪ I THINK THAT'S WHYYOUR MOMMY LEFT US. ♪

♪ MOMMY LEFT US.

♪ HUSH, LITTLE GIRL.

♪ THERE IS NO REASONTO FRET ♪

♪ TONIGHT.

♪ DON'T MIND THE SMOKE.

♪ DADDY JUST WANTS TO FORGET

[inhales]♪ TONIGHT.

♪ SOON IT WILL ALL BELIKE IT WAS BEFORE. ♪

♪ ANY MINUTE, SHE WILL WALKTHROUGH THAT FRONT DOOR. ♪

♪ BUT DADDY PLAYS POKERAND DRINKS LOTS OF BEER. ♪

♪ THEN HE WANTS SEXTHAT INVOLVES MOMMY'S REAR. ♪

♪ DADDY HAS SORESON HIS NAUGHTY PARTS ♪

♪ OOZING WITH PUS.

♪ I THINK THAT'S WHYYOUR MOMMY LEFT US. ♪

♪ PLEASE DON'T CRY.

♪ I SWEAR I'LL TRY

♪ TO BE HERE BY YOUR SIDE.

♪ RIGHT AFTER DADDY GETS HOMEFROM THE BAR, ♪

♪ VISITS HIS BOOKIE,AND STEALS A NEW CAR, ♪

♪ HE'LL DRIVETO THE STRIP CLUB. ♪

♪ AND IF DADDYPLAYS HIS CARDS RIGHT, ♪

♪ HE'LL BRING HOMEYOUR NEW MOMMY TONIGHT. ♪

♪ AY-DE-DI, AY-DE-DI-DIDE-DI-DI, DE-DI, ♪

♪ LA-DE-DI,LI-DE-DI-DI-DE-DI, ♪

♪ LEE-DI-DE-DI-DE-DI,LEE-DI-DI-DE-DI. ♪

[applause]

IN HIS LIFE WAS MISSING.

SO YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID,BOYS AND GIRLS?

HE STARTED LISTENING TO MUSICFOR INSPIRATION.

HIS FAVORITE KIND OF MUSIC

WERE THE EXCITING RHYTHMSOF SINGER-SONGWRITERS

LIKE HARRY CHAPINAND GORDON LIGHTFOOT.

CAN YOU SAY "GORDON LIGHTFOOT"?

[laughter]

HIS FAVORITE SONG

WAS ABOUT A NEW YORK CITYTAXICAB RIDE LATE AT NIGHT.

♪ I FLAGGED HIM DOWNAT THE CORNER, ♪

♪ AND HE PICKED ME UPAT THE LIGHT. ♪

♪ I TOLD HIMWHERE I WAS GOING, ♪

♪ AND WE DROVE OFFINTO THE NIGHT. ♪

♪ "HOW'S IT GOING, MY FRIEND?"I ASKED HIM. ♪

♪ SLOWLYHE TURNED HIS HEAD. ♪

♪ THE TAXI DRIVER LOOKEDAT ME, ♪

♪ AND THIS ISWHAT HE SAID. ♪

♪ HE SAID, "VADUYUWANMETOTAKEYOU? ♪

[unintelligible]

[with accent]"OKAY, DO YOU WANT ME TO THELEFT SIDE OR THE RIGHT SIDE?

"OKAY, HERE WE ARE.NO, I CANNOT BREAK A TWENTY.

"THAT IS FAR TOO MUCH MONEYFOR ME TO--

"OKAY, HERE WE ARE.HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.OKAY, GOOD-BYE."

[applause]

BOYS AND GIRLS, THAT WAS IT.

HE KNEW HOWTO MAKE HIMSELF HAPPY.

HE WOULD WRITE MUSICAND PLAY SONGS.

NOT ONLY WOULD THISMAKE HIM HAPPY,

BUT SURELY HE WOULD GETLOTS OF ASS TOO.

FOR YOU SEE, BOYS AND GIRLS,

STEPHEN HAD JUST STARTEDTO DISCOVER GIRLS.

NOW, DO YOU REMEMBERYOUR FIRST SEXUAL EXPERIENCE?

YOU WANT TO TELL EVERYBODYABOUT IT?

I THOUGHT NOT.

WELL, STEPHEN'S FIRSTWAS WITH A GIRL THAT HE MET

AFTER PLACING AN ADIN THE "ANYTHING GOES" SECTION

OF THE VILLAGE VOICENEWSPAPER.

OH, SHE HAD EVERYTHING HE EVERCOULD HAVE WANTED IN A GIRL--

BRAINS, BEAUTY,A SENSE OF HUMOR,

A PENIS--ALL RIGHT, THAT WAS WEIRD.

BOTH SETS OF SEXUAL ORGANS,BUT WHAT COULD STEPHEN DO?

FOR HE WAS IN LOVE.

♪ SHE'S PART GIRL;SHE'S PART BOY. ♪

♪ SHE'S GOT PARTSEVERYONE CAN ENJOY. ♪

♪ SHE'S GOT MORE;SHE'S GOT LESS. ♪

♪ SHE'S GOT HER MANHOODTUCKED IN HER DRESS, YEAH. ♪

♪ IS SHE A MISTER,OR IS SHE A MISS? ♪

♪ DOES SHE STAND UPWHEN SHE'S TAKING A PISS? ♪

♪ SHE'S MY LITTLE GIRL;YEAH, SHE'S MY LITTLE GUY. ♪

♪ WHEN I TRY TO PLEASE HER,I GET POKED IN THE EYE. ♪

♪ SHE WEARS LACE,AND SHE WEARS FLANNEL. ♪

♪ SHE WATCHES FOOTBALLAND THE LIFETIME CHANNEL. ♪

♪ WHAT'S THAT BULGEUNDER HER NIGHTIE? ♪

♪ IT MUST BE HERMAPHRODITE,YEAH. ♪

♪ HERMAPHRODITE, UH-HUH.

♪ SOME THINGS ARE WHITE;SOME THINGS ARE BLACK. ♪

♪ SOME GIRLS WEAR MAKE-UP;MINE SHAVES HER BACK. ♪

♪ SHE IS STILL BEAUTIFUL;SHE IS STILL FINE. ♪

♪ IT'S TOO BAD HER PACKAGEIS BIGGER THAN MINE. ♪

♪ SHE CAN'T HELPHER IMPERFECTIONS. ♪

♪ SHE GETS JOCK ITCHFROM HER YEAST INFECTIONS. ♪

♪ WHO STOLEALL MY TIGHTY WHITEYS? ♪

♪ IT MUST BE HERMAPHRODITE.

♪ YEAH, YEAH,

♪ YEAH,

♪ HERMAPHRODITE.

♪ HERMAPHODI--AH,AH, LA-LA-LA, ♪

♪ AH, LA-LA-LA,AH, LA-LA-LA, ♪

♪ ALLA, LA-LA, OOH.

♪ LA, LA, LA, LA, LA.

♪ HERMAPHRODITE. ♪

[applause]

HE HAD FOUND THE SECRETTO HIS HAPPINESS.

HE DECIDED TO CELEBRATE

BY GOING OUT AND GETTING WASTEDWITH HIS BEST FRIEND.

BOYS AND GIRLS,CAN YOU SAY "BLACKOUT"?

HE AND HIS FRIEND HAD A GREAT TIME.

THEY LAUGHED; THEY CRIED.

THEY TALKEDABOUT THE GOOD TIMES.

THEY TALKEDABOUT THE BAD TIMES.

ALL IN ALL, IT WASA VERY SPECIAL NIGHT FOR STEPHEN

AND HIS FRIEND.

♪ HERE WE ARE,DEAR OLD FRIEND. ♪

♪ YOU AND I, DRUNK AGAIN.

♪ LAUGHS HAVE BEEN HAD,AND TEARS HAVE BEEN SHED. ♪

♪ MAYBE THE WHISKEY'S GONETO MY HEAD. ♪

♪ BUT IF I WERE GAY,I WOULD GIVE YOU MY HEART. ♪

♪ AND IF I WERE GAY,YOU'D BE MY WORK OF ART. ♪

♪ AND IF I WERE GAY,WE WOULD SWIM IN ROMANCE. ♪

♪ BUT I'M NOT GAY,

♪ SO GET YOUR HANDOUT OF MY PANTS. ♪

♪ IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T CARE;I DO. ♪

♪ I JUST DON'T SEE MYSELFIN YOU. ♪

♪ ANOTHER TIME, ANOTHER SCENE,

♪ I'D BE RIGHT BEHIND YOU,IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. ♪

♪ 'CAUSE IF I WERE GAY,I WOULD GIVE YOU MY SOUL. ♪

♪ AND IF I WERE GAY,

♪ I WOULD GIVE YOUMY WHOLE...BEING. ♪

♪ AND IF I WERE GAY,WE WOULD TEAR DOWN THE WALLS. ♪

♪ BUT I'M NOT GAY,

♪ SO WON'T YOU STOP CUPPINGMY...HAND? ♪

♪ WE'VE NEVER HUGGED;WE'VE NEVER KISSED. ♪

♪ I'VE NEVER BEEN INTIMATEWITH YOUR FIST. ♪

♪ BUT YOU HAVE OPENEDBRAND-NEW DOORS. ♪

♪ GET OVER HERE

♪ AND DROP YOUR DRAWERS. ♪

♪ AND DROP YOUR DRAWERS. ♪

[applause]

THANK YOU, BOYS AND GIRLS.

AND STEPHEN LIVEDHAPPILY EVER AFTER.

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCHFOR COMING OUT TONIGHT.

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