Blood Drive

  • Season 5, Ep 8
  • 03/04/2015

The TelAmeriCorp employees become fiercely competitive during an office blood drive.

[tires screech]

- HEY, SIR EDNA,I GOT YOUR BLOOD.

- OKAY.WHO'S BLOOD IS IT?

NO, DON'T TELL ME.

I UNDERSTANDSOMETIMES PEOPLE JUST NEED

TO SLIP THROUGH THE CRACKS,JUST DISAPPEAR.

- WHAT?NO, IT'S GONNA BE MY BLOOD.

COME ON.- WHAT?

- TAKE THIS BLADE.

- NO.NO, NO, NO, WAIT.

- I'M GONNA TAKE THE TUBE,

I'M GONNA PUT ITRIGHT NEXT TO MY WRIST,

AND YOU'RE GONNA CUT ME.

- NO, KARL,I--I'M HEMOPHOBIC.

- OH, MY GOD, DERS,IT'S 2015.

GAY DUDES EXIST.GET OVER IT.

CUT ME!- OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

DOLPH LUNDGREN.DOLPH LUNDGREN.

DOLPH LUNDGREN.- HIT ME, BABY.

- DOLPH LUNDGREN!

- UH, TRY IT AGAIN.- DOLPH LUNDGREN.

- OKAY, JUST--YOU KNOW WHAT?

OKAY, GO DOWN THE--- DOLPH LUNDGREN.

DOLPH LUNDGREN.- GO DOWN ONE MORE TIME.

- I DON'T KNOW.- LET ME SEE THE BLADE.

- YEAH.

- [shouts]

- [screams]

- [bleep]!DOLPH LUNDGREN!

DOLPH LUNDGREN!- OKAY.

- DOLPH LUNDGREN!- OH, OH!

- WHAT ARE YOU--- WE GOT IT.

- WHY'D YOU LICK IT, MAN?

- I THOUGHT IT WAS LIKEA BALLPOINT PEN, MAN,

BUT IT'S WORKING.

IT'S WORKING.- OKAY.

[quivers]

[chuckles uneasily]

- WHAT'S THE MOTHER LODE?- YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS.

CHECK THIS OUT.

- ♪ WHEN I'M WITH YOU

- ♪ BABY, BABY

♪ I'M SO INTO YOU

- THIS IS YOUR BIG FIND?

- NO, I MADE IT.

[laughs]

- JILLIAN, I CAN'T HAVEYOU BACK HERE

BAKING YOUR OWN MUFFINTO DOLPH COLLAGES, ALL RIGHT?

I NEED YOU TO FOCUSON FINDING THE SOURCE.

I GOT TO FOLLOWTHAT BLOOD.

- IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY.- IT HAS.

- I MEAN,RAYMOND WITH A "W."

- I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WHITE BOYTHOUGHT WE WEREN'T GONNA REALIZE

THAT HE HAD ALREADY BEEN UPIN THERE BEFORE.

- OH, WAIT, WHICH WAYMONDDID THIS COME FROM?

- GIRL, JUST TRASH IT.

- WHY ARE THEYTHROWING BLOOD AWAY?

- THE PEOPLE WHO WORK HEREARE CRAZY.

DID YOU NOTICETHAT COLOGNE EARLIER?

- OH, IT'S LIKE HE WAS TRYINGTO BE SOMEONE HE'S NOT.

- CLONE?THEY'RE CLONING PEOPLE.

- I THINK ALL COLOGNESSMELL WEIRD.

- AND THEY SMELL WEIRD.

[breathing heavily]

[dramatic music]

- OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

GO IN THEREAND DESTROY ALL THE BLOOD.

OKAY, GOT IT?- I KNOW.

I KNOW.I KNOW.

- NO, I AM AS SERIOUSAS SEAN PENN RIGHT NOW.

YOU GO IN THERE,AND YOU DESTROY THE BLOOD.

OTHERWISE, DOLPH--

HE COULD MAKE AS MANYUNIVERSAL SOLDIERS AS HE WANTS,

AND I'M NOT TALKINGMOVIE SEQUELS.

I'M TALKING A CLONE ARMY.

HE DID IT TO WAYMOND,AND HE DID IT TO CARMEN.

- WHOA.OKAY, I'M ON IT.

- ALL RIGHT, GET IN THERE.

OH, HOW MUCH OF THAT BARDID YOU EAT?

- I'M OKAY.- YOU ALL RIGHT?

- JUST A LITTLE--SEE YOU.

- ALL RIGHT, BE SAFE.

GET 'EM.GET 'EM, GIRL.

[coughs forcefully]

HOW YOU DOING?DUMPING THE BLOOD?

- NOPE!BLAKE.

- WHAT THE HECK?

- CLONING IS THE FUTURE,AND YOU CAN'T STOP IT.

DOLPH NEEDS THIS BLOODTO BREED UNIVERSAL SOLDIERS,

AND I'M GONNA HELP HIM.

- YOU'RE PRO-CLONING.WHY?

- MOSTLY BECAUSEI'M IN LOVE WITH HIM.

BUT ALSO HAVE YOU SEENTHE MOVIE MULTIPLICITY?

IT'S REALLY GOOD.- NO, NO, NO, WAIT.

IF YOU START PLAYING GOD,

CONSEQUENCESWILL NEVER BE THE SAME.

AND OF COURSEI'VE SEEN IT!

IT'S A REALLY,REALLY GREAT MOVIE,

BUT THIS--THIS AIN'T THE MOVIES, BABE.

- NO.

- [shouting]

- DON'T!STOP!

MY DOLPH!MY SWEET DOLPH!

- WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?

- ADAM, DOLPH IS USINGTHE BLOOD DRIVE TO CLONE PEOPLE.

HE'S MAKING A CLONE ARMY.HE'LL MAKE A MILLION ADAMS.

- THAT SOUNDS AWESOME.

A MILLION ADAMSAND A MILLION DOLPHS.

- AND A MILLION BILLS.

- OKAY, NOT A MILLION BILLS,'CAUSE YOU'RE OFF THE PROJECT.

BLAKE, DON'T DO THIS TO ME,MAN, OKAY?

I NEED THIS.

HEY!

BLAKE!

[all shouting indistinctly]

- I DON'T EVEN HAVE ANY BLOODIN MY BODY.

- WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?- ADAM?

- WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?

- [groans]

IT'S PROBABLY ALL THE BLOODTHAT I GAVE.

[bleep].

- THIS ISFOR YOUR OWN GOOD, MAN.

- DON'T.

IF YOU POP ONE MOREOF THOSE,

I SWEAR TO GOD...

- BLAKE.both: DON'T, BLAKE!

- [shouts]

[both scream]