CC Presents: Vic Henley

  • 05/28/2005

I LIVE HERE.

I'VE BEEN HERE FOR ABOUT

20 YEARS.

I ALWAYS FOUND IT WAS FUNNY

WHEN THE NEW YORKERS WOULD

SCREW WITH ME AND THE WAY

I TALK, LIKE THE NEW YORKERS

ARE SUCH AN ARTICULATE GROUP OF

INDIVIDUALS.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU'RE PICKING ON ME AND

YOU'RE GOING, "BOBBY, TONY,

COME OVER HERE.

LOOK AT THIS GUY.

HE SOUNDS SO STUPID."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

RIGHT?

THOSE ARE THE WOMEN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S NOT THE ACCENT YOU WANT

TO HEAR NAKED, FOLKS.

TRUST ME.

YOU KNOW I DON'T WANT TO BE

LYING IN BED, HEARING,

"YO, YOU'RE TOUCHING ME LIKE

NO MAN HAS."

[LAUGHTER]

AND NEVER WILL AGAIN, THANKS.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THAT'S WHAT YOU HAVE TO

DEAL WITH AS A SOUTHERN PERSON

THOUGH.

ANY TIME YOU LEAVE THE SOUTH,

I THINK EVERYBODY IN AMERICA

PRETTY MUCH...

IF YOU'RE NOT FROM THE SOUTH,

EVERYBODY FROM THE NORTH

THINKS EVERYBODY FROM THE SOUTH

IS JUST SITTING AROUND BAREFOOT

WEARING OVERALLS EATING GRITS,

WATCHING HEE HAW, LISTENING TO

COUNTRY MUSIC, DRINKING

JACK DANIELS, GOING TO

TRACTOR PULLS, WEARING

TRUCKER CAPS, DIPPING SKOAL,

PICKING COTTON, RIDING AROUND IN

PICKUP TRUCKS, HAVING SEX WITH

OUR RELATIVES AND LOOKING FOR

UFO'S...

[LAUGHTER]

AND THAT'S NOT TRUE.

IT'S NOT.

I'VE NEVER SEEN A UFO.

[LAUGHTER]

AND SECOND COUSINS DON'T COUNT.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

WELL, IF EVERYBODY FROM

THE SOUTH IS SUCH A BUNCH OF

DUMBASSES, THEN WHY IS THE

PRESIDENT ALWAYS FROM THE SOUTH,

EVERYBODY?

[LAUGHTER]

THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE,

DOES IT?

DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU'RE

DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN.

GEORGE BUSH IS FROM TEXAS.

BILL CLINTON WAS FROM ARKANSAS.

GEORGE BUSH THE FIRST TIME,

TEXAS.

RONALD REAGAN THOUGHT HE WAS A

COWBOY.

I'M COUNTING THAT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

RIGHT?

AND JIMMY CARTER WAS FROM

GEORGIA.

SO THAT'S PRETTY MUCH 28 SOLID

YEARS OF "YEEOOO!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S THE VOICE IN CHARGE,

EVERYBODY.

GOOBER'S GOT THE KEYS TO THE

BIG HOUSE.

UNCLE JED'S DRIVING THE BUS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

HILLBILLY'S A HILLBILLY.

YOU CAN PAINT A PUMPKIN BLACK.

THAT DOESN'T TURN IT INTO A

BOWLING BALL.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T KN

THE REPUBLICANS CLAIM THAT

THEY WANT TO BE MORE INCLUSIVE.

YOU KNOW THEY WANT LATINO PEOPLE

INVOLVED.

THEY WANT BLACK PEOPLE INVOLVED.

REPUBLICAN PARTY, NOT JUST FOR

WHITE PEOPLE, ANYMORE.

RIGHT?

AND SO, I THINK IF THIS IS

THE CASE THEN PUT YOUR MONEY

WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS, YOU KNOW?

BLACK PEOPLE SECOND LARGEST

GROUP OF PEOPLE IN AMERICA.

MAYBE YOU GIVE THEM A SHOUT OUT.

MAYBE AFTER COWBOY CRAZY

GEORGE BUSH, MAYBE THE NEXT TIME

WE HIM, MAYBE HIP-HOP

GEORGE BUSH.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, THINK ABOUT THAT FOR A

VISUAL RIGHT THERE, EVERYBODY.

HOW SCARY IS THAT?

GEORGE BUSH'S LITTLE CRACKER ASS

SURROUNDED BY NOTHING BUT

BLACK PEOPLE.

[LAUGHTER]

RIGHT?

COMING OUT TO LIKE "99 PROBLEMS"

BY JAY-Z.

[LAUGHTER]

CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT, EVERYBODY?

GEORGE BUSH COMES BOPPING OUT

WITH LIKE THE WU-TANG CLAN.

[LAUGHTER]

THE WHOLE WU-TANG, ODB,

GHOSTFACE KILLAH, RAEKWON,

METHOD MAN, INSPECTAH DECK,

RZA-- THE WHOLE WU-TANG.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

HA-HA.

COME BOPPING OUT, GOING UP

AND DOWN, WEARING THE FUBU AND A

DOO RAG.

SPORTING THE BLING.

LOOKING AT COLIN POWELL,

"YOU MY [BLEEP]!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I'M SURPRISED THEY INVADED

THE COUNTRY, BUT I THOUGHT

THEY WOULD PROBABLY TRY

SOMETHING SNEAKY.

YOU KNOW, BEFORE THEY JUST

LAUNCHED ON FULL-ON INVASION,

YOU KNOW?

WE'RE IN AMERICA.

WE'RE GOOD AT SNEAKY STUFF,

SOMETHING COVERT, YOU KNOW?

FIGURE IF THEY WERE GONNA

GO AFTER SADDAM, INSTEAD OF

LAUNCHING OUT A FULL INVASION

OF THE COUNTRY, START OUT BY

DOING SOMETHING LIKE BLOWING UP

GRACELAND.

[LAUGHTER]

EVERYBODY WITH ME HERE,

GRACELAND, ELVIS'S FORMER HOME,

RIGHT?

WE KNOW ELVIS IS DEAD, TOO.

YOU CAN BLOW UP GRACELAND.

ANYBODY BEEN THERE, 'CAUSE

HILLBILLIES SHOULD NEVER HAVE

CASH.

[LAUGHTER]

OKAY, GRACELAND IS SO TACKY,

PUERTO RICAN PEOPLE WALK OUT OF

THERE GOING, "THERE'S SOME

TACKY STUFFIN THERE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND ELVIS IS DEAD.

WE ALL KNOW THAT, RIGHT?

'CAUSE, YEAH, 'CAUSE ELVIS'S

DAUGHTER MARRIED AND DIVORCED

MICHAEL JACKSON.

IF THAT WOULDN'T HAVE SNAPPED

ELVIS'S FAT ASS RIGHT OUT OF

HIDING, EVERYBODY...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

RIGHT?

I'M NO ANGELA LANSBURY, BUT...

[LAUGHTER]

ELVIS IS BASICALLY A REDNECK

FROM MISSISSIPPI.

IF HIS DAUGHTER MARRYING AND

DIVORCING A BLACK EFFEMINATE,

CROTCH-GRABBING, BABY-DANGLING,

CHILD-MOLESTING SOUL SINGER...

WOULDN'T PUT HIS

JUMPSUIT-WEARING BUTT RIGHT ON

60 MINUTES...

[LAUGHTER]

SO THAT'S ALL YOU'D HAVE TO DO

IS BLOW UP GRACELAND,

THEN PUT IT ON CNN THAT THE

IRAQIS DID IT.

YEAH, THEN YOU WOULDN'T NEED TO

SEND TROOPS OR DROP ANY BOMBS,

'CAUSE THE NEXT DAY YOU'D HAVE

10,000 GOOD OL' BOYS FROM THE

VOLUNTEER STATE OF TENNESSEE...

ZOOMING ACROSS THE PERSIAN

GULF...

IN BASS BOATS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY'D BE OUT THERE DOING

THAT...

[HIGH-PITCHED BOAT ENGINE SOUND]

[LAUGHTER]

"TRIM IT!

TRIM IT!"

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

JUST A BIG WHITE TRASH FLOTILLA.

BASS BOATS, WEARING FOOTBALL

HELMETS.

HITTING THE BEACHES WITH THOSE

ATV FOUR-WHEELERS, COUPLE OF

SAWED-OFF SHOTGUN'S DUCK TAPED

TO THE HANDLEBARS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BLOWING THROUGH THE COUNTRYSIDE,

"YOU DONE DONE IT NOW,

HAMPER HEAD!

YOU PICKED ON THE KING!

[LAUGHTER]

SOON AS I LOCATE YOU ON THIS

DEPTH FINDER, YOUR ASS IS MINE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LIVING HERE'S THE COOLEST THING.

I GET TO WORK A LOT IN EUROPE

SOMETIMES.

LIKE SOME PEOPLE OVER THERE

SAW ME HERE AND THEN GOT INVITED

OVER THERE AND IT'S REALLY FUN.

I GET TO GO TO ENGLAND.

DO YOU THINK BRITISH PEOPLE

GET ANNOYED THAT EVERY TIME

GEORGE BUSH GOES, "[WHISTLES],"

THAT TONY BLAIR RUNS IN THE ROOM

AND JUMPS IN HIS LAP?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HA-HA.

"WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO TODAY,

GEORGE?

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO TODAY,

GEORGE?

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO TODAY?"

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT TO GO SEE...

WHENEVER I WAS OVER THERE,

I'VE SEEN SOCCER OVER THERE

A COUPLE TIMES, FOOTBALL.

YOU GUYS OUGHT TO KNOW THAT,

RIGHT?

WE CALL IT SOCCER.

THE REST OF THE WORLD CALLS

THE GAME WHAT?

Audience: FOOTBALL.

Vic Henley: THANK YOU,

SMART PEOPLE.

[LAUGHTER]

GOOD GOD, YOU KNOW.

AND I'M GUESSING I'M GOING

OUT ON A LIMB HERE.

I'M GUESSING THEY CALL IT

FOOTBALL BECAUSE IT'S A BALL,

AND AH, KICK IT WITH YOUR FOOT.

[LAUGHTER]

PROBABLY WHERE THEY CAME UP

WITH THAT, I'M GUESSING.

OBVIOUSLY THAT MAKES TOO MUCH

SENSE TO US HERE IN AMERICA.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO REACT

TO THAT.

THAT MAKES TOO MUCH LOGIC

FOR US, RIGHT?

WE DO THE GOOD OL' AMERICAN

THING.

"SOCCER!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I BET PEOPLE FROM ENGLAND GO,

"YOU KNOW IT'S ACTUALLY BEEN

A GAME LONGER THAN YOU GUYS

HAVE BEEN A COUNTRY."

AND WE'RE LIKE,

"LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.

SOCCER!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE HAVE ALL THE GUNS AND THE

MONEY.

SOCCER."

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WHY THE REST OF THE WORLD

LOVES US SO MUCH RIGHT NOW,

EVERYBODY.

IT'S THAT LITTLE ATTITUDE RIGHT

THERE THAT HAS THE PLANET EARTH

ENTHRALLED WITH US.

THAT'S WHY WHEN GEORGE BUSH

STOOD IN FRONT OF THE U.N.

AND SAID, "WE'RE GOING TO WAR!

WHO'S WITH US?"

400 COUNTRIES STARED AT HIM LIKE

AMISH PEOPLE AT CIRCUIT CITY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IF YOU EVER GET A CHANCE,

THOUGH, GO TO ANOTHER COUNTRY.

SEE SPORTS, 'CAUSE IT'S TOTALLY,

THERE'S NO HATRED LIKE

INTERNATIONAL HATRED, EVERYBODY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I DON'T MEAN POLITICAL HATRED.

I MEAN SPORTS HATRED, YOU KNOW?

ALL OUR SPORTS OVER HERE AND

ONLY 150, 160 YEARS OLD,

YOU KNOW.

I WAS AT AN ENGLAND VS. GERMANY

SOCCER GAME.

THAT GOES BACK 1800 YEARS,

EVERYBODY.

THAT GOES BACK TO BEHEADING

THE KING, PUTTING IT ON THE

STAKE, PEEING ON IT, SETTING IT

ON FIRE, AND RUNNING THE

[BLEEP] DAMN THING THROUGH TOWN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

RIGHT?

SO, "GO YANKEES" DOESN'T REALLY

MEASURE UP AFTER THAT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO, I'M OUTSIDE, IT'S ENGLAND

AGAINST GERMANY.

IT'S THE LAST GAME AT WEMBLEY,

AND I'M OUTSIDE THE STADIUM.

AND BECAUSE IT'S ENGLAND AGAINST

GERMANY, YOU KNOW, THEY'RE

HANGING PEOPLE FROM TREES AND

SETTING CARS ON FIRE AND HITTING

LITTLE KIDS IN THE HEAD WITH

STICKS WITH NAILS IN THEM AND...

[LAUGHTER]

I KNOW.

I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

WHEN I TRAVEL, I LIKE TO TRY

TO SHOW EVERYBODY THAT I'M AS

BRILLIANT AS OUR ELECTED

OFFICIALS.

SO I'M WATCHING ALL THIS OUTSIDE

THE STADIUM.

I'M WATCHING ALL THIS CARNAGE

AND WITH NO SENSE OF IDIOCY

AT ALL, I TURN TO MY TWO BRITISH

FRIENDS,I'M LIKE, "[SNIFFS] MAN,

YOU GUYS REALLY HATE THE

GERMANS, DON'T YOU?"

[LAUGHTER]

RIGHT.

BEING FROM ALABAMA, I LIKE ONCE

A YEAR TO AT LEAST SAY ONE THING

THAT PROVES TO ME I'M NEVER

MORE THAN THREE STEPS AWAY FROM,

"YOU AIN'T GOT NO LEGS,

LIEUTENANT DAN."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"YOU GUYS REALLY HATE THE

GERMANS."

OKAY, AND IF THAT'S NOT BAD

ENOUGH, I'LL BACK THAT UP WITH,

"HOW COME?"

[LAUGHTER]

RIGHT.

SO, MY BUDDY TURNS AROUND HE

GOES, "THEY BOMBED US, DUMBASS."

[LAUGHTER]

I'M LIKE, "OOH, I FORGOT ABOUT

THAT."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SO THE BRITISH DECIDED TO DO

WHAT I THINK THEY DO AS WELL AS

ANYBODY, RIGHT?

SO THEY'RE LOSING AT HOME,

SO THEY DECIDE THEY'RE GONNA

HECKLE, ALL RIGHT?

AND WHEN THE ENGLISH HECKLE,

THEY SING SONGS, ALL RIGHT?

AND THEY'RE REALLY GOOD AT IT.

THEY'LL MAKE UP A SONG ON YOU

IN A SECOND, RIGHT?

SO, MIDWAY THROUGH THE FIRST

HALF, LOSING TO GERMANY,

ALL THE BRITISH FANS START

SINGING TO THE GERMAN FANS,

"IF YOU WON THE WAR, STAND UP."

[LAUGHTER]

RIGHT.

I THINK THIS IS THE GREATEST

THING I'VE EVER HEARD AT A

SPORTING EVENT.

'CAUSE THERE'S NO SNAPPY

COMEBACK FOR THAT, IS THERE,

EVERYBODY?

"YOU SUCK!"

NOTHING.

AND THE BEST PART IS THEY DO IT

LIKE THE WAY, RIGHT?

THEY DON'T JUST SING IT ONE TIME

AND SIT LIKE...

SO LIKE A WHOLE SECTION OF

PEOPLE, RIGHT, THEY GO,

♪ IF YOU WON THE WAR

♪ STAND UP

THEN THEY ALL STAND.

THEN THEY SIT.

THEN THE NEXT SECTION SINGS IT,

STANDS AND SITS.

SO IT'S JUST LIKE THE WAVE

WITH A "[BLEEP] YOU" RIGHT IN

THE MIDDLE OF IT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GOT SO CAUGHT UP IN IT

I ACTUALLY STOOD AND TRIED

TO GET THEM TO SING,

IF YOU SKIPPED

THE FIRST COUPLE OF YEARS

OF THE WAR

BUT STILL CAME IN LATE

AT THE END AND CONTRIBUTED

SIGNIFICANTLY...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

STAND UP."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

TOO WORDY.

[LAUGHTER]

Vic Henley: I'LL DO SOMETHING

A LITTLE DIFFERENT HERE.

I'M IN A STORYTELLING

SHOW HERE IN TOWN WHERE COMICS

GET TOGETHER AND TELL STORIES,

SO I'LL TELL YOU A LITTLE STORY

HERE.

'CAUSE IT AMAZES ME STILL,

AFTER LIVING HERE, THE THINGS

PEOPLE SAY TO YOU JUST RIGHT OFF

THE BAT.

YOU KNOW, YOU WALK OFF STAGE,

TALKING TO SOMEBODY AT A CLUB

OR SOMEWHERE, THEY'RE LIKE,

"WHERE YOU FROM AGAIN?"

I'M LIKE, "ALABAMA."

"REALLY?

TELL ME ABOUT THE KLAN."

[LAUGHTER]

"WELL, PULL UP A CHAIR HERE,

MY FRIEND, AND LET ME REGALE YOU

WITH THE FABULOUS...

JACKASS!"

BUT THIS GUY SAID THIS TO ME

A COUPLE WEEKS AGO.

AND IT ACTUALLY DID REMIND ME

OF THE FIRST TIME I EVER SAW

THE KLAN, EVERYBODY, ALL RIGHT?

SO...

I WAS A SENIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL

AND SOME FRIENDS OF MINE AND I

WERE DRIVING OVER TO BIRMINGHAM,

ALABAMA, 'BOUT AN HOUR AWAY

WE WERE MAKING THE BIG ROAD TRIP

OVER BECAUSE WE WANT TO GO SEE

"KISS" IN CONCERT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YES.

WHAT WHITE TRASH STORY DOES NOT

START OUT EXACTLY LIKE THAT?

[LAUGHTER]

THERE'S FOUR OF US, WE'RE IN A

SILVER TRANS AM WITH THE T-TOP

CONVERTIBLES, THEY ARE REMOVED.

[CHEERING]

RIGHT AND EVERYBODY'S CARRYING

ON.

WE'RE IN THE BACK SEAT.

WE'RE ALL LIQUORED UP AND WE'RE

HAVING A BIG TIME.

NOW ONE OF OUR FRIENDS IS GOING

WITH US TO THE "KISS" CONCERT.

HIS NAME IS SCOOP AND...

[LAUGHTER]

SCOOP HAPPENS TO BE A BLACK MAN.

AND HE'S GOING WITH US 'CAUSE HE

CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHY ANYBODY

WOULD WANT TO GO SEE "KISS"

IN CONCERT.

HE'S A BLACK GUY.

HE LIKES RHYTHM AND BLUES,

MUSICIANSHIP, FUNK.

WE'RE LIKE, "NO.

IT'S LIKE THEATER.

THERE'S BLOOD AND FIRE."

AND HE'S LIKE, "CRAZY-ASS

CRACKER."

SO SCOOP IS WITH US SO, LIKE WE

THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE A PRETTY

GOOD TRIP BECAUSE SOMEONE IN THE

CAR THREW A BOTTLE OF SOME SORT

OVER THE CAR.

NOT THE RIDING ON THE PASSENGER

SIDE, PITCHING IT OUT, BUT LIKE

SOMEBODY TOSSED ONE OVER THE

WHOLE CAR AND HIT A MILE MARKER

SIGN ON THE SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY,

ONE OF THOSE LITTLE GREEN SIGNS.

SO WE REALLY THOUGHT THAT

JESUS HAD TOUCHED OUR CAR AT

THIS PARTICULAR POINT.

[LAUGHTER]

AND SO, RIGHT, SO WE KNEW IT WAS

GONNA BE A BIG, BIG TRIP.

SO WE'RE OUT OF ALL THE GOODIES

AND SO WE'RE GONNA STOP AT A

CONVENIENCE STORE AND GET SOME

MORE BEER AND STUFF, AND WE NEED

SOME GAS.

AND, WE PULL OFF AT THIS LITTLE

EXIT HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF

NOWHERE, AND THERE'S JUST A

GROCERY STORE AND A GAS STATION

IN FRONT OF IT, RIGHT?

AND HERE'S FOUR KLAN GUYS

STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF

THE ROAD, HAVING A ROAD BLOCK

FOR THE KLAN.

THEY GOT BUCKETS.

THEY WANT PEOPLE TO DONATE MONEY

TO THE KLAN.

IT'S LIKE IN OLD COUNTRY,

LIKE PEOPLE WOULD HAVE LIKE

FOR CANCER OR MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY

OR ANY OTHER LEGAL CHARITY.

THESE JACKASSES ARE STANDING OUT

THERE WITH ALL THEIR KLAN HOOD

ON, THEY HAVE BUCKETS ON, RIGHT?

THEY HAVE THE STUFF PUSHED UP.

AND IT'S AUGUST, SO IT'S LIKE 9

MILLION DEGREES, 800% HUMIDITY.

SO NOT ONLY ARE THEY RACIST,

THEY'RE IDIOTS.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THE YOUNGEST ONE IS 80

IF HE'S A DAY, RIGHT?

AND SO NOBODY'S REALLY--

PEOPLE ARE RIDING BY,

HONKING HORNS, THROWING

CIGARETTES AT THEM.

YOU KNOW, IT'S MORE SAD THAN

ANYTHING.

SO AS SOON AS WE GET OUT OF

THE CAR, SCOOP SEES THIS.

HE'S LIKE, "OH MY GOD.

I'VE GOT TO HAVE ONE OF THOSE

HATS."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

RIGHT?

MY FRIEND THAT IS IN THE FRONT

PASSENGER SEAT, HE IS A 4-TIME

STATE CHAMPION WRESTLER, OKAY?

SO HE'S A VERY POWERFUL MAN.

SO AS SOON AS SCOOP SAYS THIS,

MY BUDDY GOES, "WELL, LET'S JUST

BEAT THE PISS OUT OF THEM AND

TAKE IT FROM THEM!

[LAUGHTER]

GOOD GOD, THEY'RE 305 YEARS OLD.

HELL, I CAN TAKE FOUR OF THEM.

COME ON!

LET'S STRIP THEM NAKED AND LEAVE

THEM BY THE SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY.

SCREW THESE GUYS.

THEY'RE IN THE KLAN."

AND THE REST OF US ARE A BUNCH

OF WUSSES, SO WE COULDN'T.

I'M LIKE, "LOOK, LET'S NOT

BEAT THE HELL OUT OF THE

OLD GUYS HERE."

I GO, "HERE'S WHAT WE SHOULD

DO."

I TELL SCOOP, I'M LIKE, "LOOK,

YOU GET DOWN BEHIND THE DRIVER'S

SEAT HERE.

DON'T LET THEM SEE YOU, IT MIGHT

SCARE THEM."

[LAUGHTER]

AND I'M LIKE, "I'LL GET DOWN

BEHIND YOU IN THE BACK SEAT HERE

AND I'LL HOLD YOUR FEET WHERE

YOU WON'T FALL OUT OF THE CAR,

RIGHT?"

AND SO THE T-TOPS ARE OUT AND

I TELL MY BUDDY THAT'S DRIVING,

I'M LIKE, "LOOK, ACT LIKE

YOU'RE GONNA GIVE THIS JACKASS

A DOLLAR.

HERE, TAKE A DOLLAR, AND WAVE IT

TO HIM AND THEN WHEN HE COMES

OVER NEAR THE CAR..."

WE'RE RIGHT BY THE ONRAMP,

YOU KNOW, RIGHT?

SO WHEN HE COMES NEAR THE CAR,

I TELL SCOOP, I'M LIKE, "WHEN HE

GETS CLOSE TO DUNK THE DOLLAR,"

DUNK THE DOLLAR," I GO,

"YOU POP UP, GRAB THE HOOD,

YOU HIT THE GAS, WE'LL DO

A LITTLE SNATCH AND GRAB."

RIGHT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SO...

SO SCOOP IS IN OUR HIGH SCHOOL

YEARBOOK HOLDING UP THE

KLAN HOOD, WAVING IT AT THE

CAMERA LIKE THIS RIGHT HERE.

[APPLAUSE]

I RIDE AROUND A LOT IN

THE SOUTH.

I'VE TOURED ALL OVER AMERICA.

I'VE BEEN IN ALL THE STATES.

LAST FALL I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF

NOWHERE, I'M RIDING AROUND

NORTH CAROLINA, VIRGINIA.

I'M SO FAR IN THE MIDDLE OF

NOWHERE THAT I'M HITTING "SEEK"

ON THE CAR RENTAL RADIO,

YOU KNOW, AND IT'S GOING

SHOO, SHOO, SHOO,

SHOO, SHOO, SHOO!

RIGHT?

SO I GO TO AM BECAUSE I KNOW

I'M IN THE SOUTH AND

IT'LL STOP ON AM.

IN THE SOUTH IT'LL STOP

1100 TIMES ON AM.

[LAUGHTER]

RIGHT, YOU DON'T GET A LOT OF

VARIETY.

YOU EITHER GET ONE OF

TWO THINGS.

YOU EITHER GET...

[IMITATING BANJO MUSIC]

OR "AND JESUS SAID..."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO THIS PARTICULAR DAY I GET

SPORTS TALK.

AND I USUALLY DON'T LISTEN TO

SPORTS TALK, BUT IT WAS BETWEEN

COUNTRY AND JESUS SO THAT WAS MY

ONLY CHOICE.

AND SO THERE WAS A NASCAR RACE

COMING TO THE AREA, OKAY?

SO, YEAH, I DON'T KNOW THAT MUCH

ABOUT NASCAR.

I KNOW THAT MY BROTHER'S LISTEN

TO THE NASCAR ON THE RADIO

THAT'S HOW SAD THEIR LIVES ARE.

[LAUGHTER]

AND AH-- YEAH, IF YOU THINK

GOLF ON TELEVISION'S TOO

EXCITING FOR YOU, EVERYBODY,

GO AHEAD KICK IT ON UP A NOTCH

AND PUT A LITTLE NASCAR ON THE

RADIO.

[LAUGHTER]

NOTHING WILL SEND YOU TO

DREAMLAND ANY QUICKER THAN

FOUR SOLID HOURS OF...

[SOUND OF ENGINES ROARING]

"THEY'RE GOING LEFT!

[LAUGHTER]

[ENGINE ROARS CONTINUE]

STILL GOING LEFT!"

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

FIRST THING I DISCOVERED IN

NASCAR THAT I DID NOT KNOW.

IN NASCAR WHEN THEY LIKE

SOMEBODY, THEY YELL OUT THE

NUMBER OF THE CAR, RIGHT?

RIGHT.

SO I DON'T KNOW, LIKE IN

OTHER SPORTS YOU GUYS MIGHT SAY,

"GO YANKEES" OR "I LIKE A-ROD"

OR "GO KNICKS" OR WHATEVER,

RIGHT?

THEY YELL OUT THE NUMBER OF THE

CAR.

I DON'T KNOW THIS.

I'M JUST HEARING THE DJ ON THE

RADIO.

I'M IN MY CAR, I HEAR "BOB FROM

CHARLOTTE, YOU'RE ON THE LINE.

BOB, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY?"

"SIX!"

[LAUGHTER]

"NEXT CALLER, DAN."

"FOURTEEN!"

THIS WENT ON FOR LIKE

EIGHT MINUTES.

IT'S LIKE SOME SORT OF INBRED

BASTARDIZED BINGO WAS TAKING

PLACE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

SO PART OF THE TOUR I HAD

TO STOP AND DO A SHOW AT THE

UNIVERSITY OF SOUTH CAROLINA,

RIGHT?

AND THEY'RE THE GAME COCKS,

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS

KNOW THAT.

THAT'S THEIR MASCOT, UNIVERSITY

OF SOUTH CAROLINA GAME COCKS.

ALL RIGHT, I'M A SOUTHERN

PERSON, I KNEW THAT.

WHAT THEY LIKE TO DO IS

THEY SHORTEN THIS.

NONE OF THEIR PARAPHERNALIA

HAS GAME COCKS ON IT.

EVERYTHING JUST HAS COCKS

WRITTEN ON IT.

THEY PUT A LITTLE PICTURE OF THE

ROOSTER TO GET AWAY WITH THE

DOUBLE ENTENDRE, AND SO...

RIGHT, SO THEY GOT HATS AND

EVERYTHING.

SO I KNEW ALL THIS.

WHAT I DID NOT KNOW IS THAT

HOMECOMING WEEK, COLLECTIVELY

THE WHOLE WEEK OF WHICH I'M A

PART OF HAS ITS OWN NAME, OKAY?

SO MY SHOW'S OVER.

I'M JUST PART OF THE WHOLE

THINGS.

I'M IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM

TALKING TO THESE STUDENTS.

THIS GUY WALKS UP TO ME AND

HE'S LIKE, "DUDE, THAT WAS

REALLY FUNNY.

ARE YOU STICKING AROUND FOR ALL

OF COCKFEST?"

[LAUGHTER]

I'M LIKE "UHHHH, WENT TO

RED LOBSTER ONCE FOR

LOBSTERFEST.

AND THAT WAS ALL THE LOBSTER

I COULD EAT FOR $11.99.

SOOOOO...

NOOOOO."

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