CC Presents: Ty Barnett

  • Season 10, Ep 2
  • 02/16/2006

THIS IS NICE. I FEEL VERY COMFORTABLE HERE.

I DO SERIOUSLY.

400 YEARS AGO THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN AUCTION.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SOME OF Y'ALL GOT THAT REALLY QUICK AND DON'T WANNA LET

- PEOPLE KNOW THEY'RE...- [LAUGHTER]

THIS IS NICE, NEW YORK.WE'RE HANGING OUT. THIS IS COOL.

THIS IS MY CITY. I'M FROM CHICAGO ORIGINALLY.

- Audience Member: OW! - YEAH, ONE PERSON.

[WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

BUT-- I'M FROM CHICAGO,BUT I PAY CHILD SUPPORT

- IN SEATTLE. - [LAUGHTER]

I'M JUST KIDDING. I DON'T PAY CHILD SUPPORT.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

- I'M JUST BEING HONEST. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ALL THE WOMEN ARE LIKE,CLICK, CLICK, OKAY.

NO BUT LIKE I'M OUT TRYINGTO FIND STUFF TO DO LIKE IN L.A.

LIKE I LIVE IN L.A. NOW. AND I'M FINDING OUT CHICAGO

DOES NOT HAVE THE BEST REPUTATION OUT THERE.

BECAUSE I TELL PEOPLE, "YEAH, I'M FROM CHICAGO. WHAT'S UP?" AND THEY LIKE,

"[GASPS]... WHAT STREET GANG WERE YOU IN?"

I'M LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL MAKE YOU THINK I GOT THAT KIND OF

DEDICATION AND TEAM SPIRIT?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT LIKE I'M SITTING THERE AND I'M THINKING LIKE--

OKAY, MY CLAIM TO FAMEBY THE WAY FIRST OF ALL

IS I WAS AT THE GAME WHERE THE FIGHT BROKE OUT

BETWEEN THE PISTONS AND PACERS. I WAS THERE.

YAY, VIOLENCE, SHE'S LIKE, "YAY, THAT'S COOL."

NO BUT I WAS AT THE GAME. AND I LEARNED SOMETHING.

IF I'M MAKING MILLIONS TO PUT A BALL THROUGH A HOOP,

- YOU CAN'T EVER PISS ME OFF. - [LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT TO SAY. "YOUR MOM IS A BITCH."

"YEAH, SOMETIMES SHE GET LIKE THAT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO, MY GRANDMA SAW THE FIGHT. AND LIKE SHE FLIPPED OUT.

'CAUSE MY GRANDMA IS LIKE REALLY RELIGIOUS, LIKE DEEPLY, YOU KNOW,

NOT JEHOVAH WITNESS DEEP. BUT SHE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW

WITH A TATTOO OF THE LAST SUPPER.

- [LAUGHTER]- BUT IT'S NICE.

IT'S LIKE ACROSS HERE. IT'S COOL.

THEN SHE STARTEDGETTING BIGGER.

THEY HAD TO START FILLING IN PEOPLE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT LOOKED LIKE THE LAST BUFFET.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

BUT SEE THAT'S THE THING THAT TRIPS ME OUT ABOUT RELIGION.

'CAUSE LIKE EVERYBODYHAS A DIFFERENT OUTLOOKON THE SAME THING.

LIKE PEOPLE WILL GO TO CHURCHAND THEY SEE THE PICTURE AND SAY

"THAT'S JESUS. THAT'S THE SAVIOR. THAT'S JESUS."

IF YOU SAW THAT SAME GUY ON THE STREET YOU'D BE LIKE,

"I DON'T HAVEANY MONEY FOR YOU, DUDE.

YOU NEED TO CUT THAT HAIR, YOU HIPPIE."

'CAUSE PEOPLE WILL SAY STUFF ALL THE TIME LIKE,

"YOU LIVE A GOOD LIFE ON EARTH YOU GO TO HEAVEN, YEAH."

I GET TO HEAVEN, I'M LIKE, "HEY GOD, I DIDN'T DRINK,

I DIDN'T SMOKE, I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE PREMARITAL SEX."

AND GOD IS LIKE, [INHALES] "WHO TOLD YOU THAT [BLEEP]."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"YOU GOT TO GO. WE DON'T LET NERDS IN HEAVEN."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND SEE WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE WORLD,

THE STUFF I CARE ABOUT.AND I DON'T FIND A LOT.

BUT I'VE BEEN READING THESE ARTICLES ABOUT LIKE HOW TRAGIC HURRICANE KATRINA WAS.

IT WAS TRAGIC. THAT'S TRUE. BUT MORE TRAGIC,

THE FACT THAT THE GOVERNMENT HAS NO CLUE WHAT TO DO

WHEN THIS [BLEEP] HAPPENS. THE SAME GOVERNMENT PEOPLE SAY

THE SAME DUMB [BLEEP].

"WELL, WE DIDN'T REALLY KNOW...

"HOW TO PREDICT THIS.

"WE DIDN'T KNOWIT WAS POSSIBLE.

WE DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE."

YOU DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE? IT'S 2005.

YOU DON'T WATCH MOVIES AT ALL?

YOU DIDN'T SEE THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW?

NOT POSSIBLE? YOU KNOW WHO SHOULD BE PRESIDENT?

[BLEEP] STEVEN SPIELBERG.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

APPARENTLY HE'S THE ONLY PERSON THAT KNOWS HOW TO DEAL

WITH THIS TYPE OF [BLEEP]. AND HE CAN FIX IT IN TWO HOURS.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I NEED A PRESIDENT I CAN TRUST.

I CAN'T DEPEND ON BUSH IF ALIENS ATTACK.

I WANT WILL SMITHOR TOM CRUISE OUT THERE.

THE ONLY THING I WON'T GET MAD AT THE PRESIDENT ABOUT

IS GAS PRICES. I'M ACTUALLY COOL WITH THAT.

MATTER OF FACT, I WANT 'EM TO GO HIGHER, YES, YES.

SHE'S LIKE "WHAT THE [BLEEP]?"

YES, BECAUSE THE HIGHER THEY GO,CERTAIN THINGS CHANGE,

DRIVE-BY SHOOTINGS,WAY DOWN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GANG MEMBERS LIKE, "MAN, LET'S RIDE ON THEM FOOLS."

"[BLEEP] NOT AT THE $3 A GALLON.

WE GONNA HAVE TO DO A SKATE BY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO I'M TRYING TO DO MORE THINGS THAT THEY DO OUT THERE.

SO, LIKE, I WENT WINE TASTING, YEAH, YEAH.

NO, IT WAS WEIRD, COOL BUT WEIRD.

'CAUSE I WAS LIKE BLACK GUY NUMBER FIVE.

SO, IT'S LIKE DISNEYLAND 'CAUSE LIKE EVERYBODY KN I WAS JUST VISITING.

IT WAS LIKE, "LOOK MARGE, THERE'S ANOTHER ONE." [CLICK]

[LAUGHTER]

THEY'RE ASKING ME TO TAKE PICTURES WITH THEIR KIDS.

- I'M LIKE-- "ARRRR, HA-HA-HA!" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT FOR THE PEOPLE THAT DON'T KNOW

IT'S JUST LIKE THE MOVIE SIDEWAYS

WHERE LIKE THEY'LL DRIVE TO THE VINEYARD, DRINK AND DRIVE.

AND THERE WERE NO COPS ANYWHERE.

I'M LIKE, "THAT'S HOW YOU GET AWAY WITH IT?

I GOTTA TRY THAT IN CHICAGO."

"YOU BEENDRINKING TONIGHT, SIR?"

[SLURRING] "NO, JUST TASTING.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GOT SOME CHEESE AND CRACKERS IN THE BACK."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

BUT I DIDN'T KNOW THE PROCESS. BUT APPARENTLY THE PROCESS IS

YOU LIKE PAY YOUR $5, THEY GIVE YOU A GLASS.

SO, I PAID MY $5. THEY GAVE ME A GLASS.

BUT LIKE THEY ONLY POURED THIS MUCH IN THE GLASS.

I'M LIKE "I JUST GAVE YOU $5."

HE'S LIKE, "NO, NO, NO,IT'S FOR A TASTE."

"I'M GONNA NEED TO TASTE SOME MORE 'CAUSE IT'S LIKE $5."

HE'S LIKE, "NO, NO, YOU DO IT LIKE THIS." SO LIKE HE SIPS IT.

AND HE'S LIKE...

[SOFT VOICE] "LET IT BREATHE.LET IT BREATHE."

BUT FROM THAT LITTLE BITTY THING THEY KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT THE WINE

LIKE WHAT VINEYARD IT CAME FROM,

WHO WAS [BLEEP] IN THE VINEYARDWHEN IT HAPPENED,

IF THE GUY THAT STOMPED THE GRAPES HAD A CORN ON HIS TOE.

I'M LIKE "DAMN THEY'RE GOOD."

WHAT IF YOU COULD DO THAT WITH WEED?

[LAUGHTER]

BE LIKE, "DON'T BREATHE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

"THIS IS '96 CHRONIC, DUDE. THAT'S WHAT THIS IS.

- THAT'S WHAT THIS IS." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEY AUTOMATICALLY ASSUMEDTHAT I WAS RICH.

I DON'T KNOW WHY 'CAUSE I'M NOT RICH.

BUT LIKE I AM STARTING TO GET MAD AT FRIENDS OF MINE

THAT DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO DO BASIC [BLEEP]

LIKE KEEP THEIR CELL PHONES CONNECTED.

[LAUGHTER]

I KNOW Y'ALL KNOW PEOPLE LIKE THAT.

AND I BLAMETHE PHONE COMPANY, TOO.'CAUSE BACK IN THE DAY

IF YOU GOTYOUR PHONE DISCONNECTEDIT WAS JUST OFF.

NOW THEY'RE REALLY NICE.IT'S LIKE, [DOO-DOO-DOO]

"AT THE SUBSCRIBER'S REQUEST,

INCOMING CALLS WILL NOT BE ACCEPTED."

[LAUGHTER]

THEY SAY THAT LIKE YOU WORKED THAT [BLEEP] OUT WITH THE PHONE COMPANY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEN THEY GIVE YOU A FEW MORE BEFORE THEY FINALLY CUT IT OFF.

THAT LAST MESSAGE SHOULD TELL THE TRUTH, LIKE, [DOO-DOO-DOO]

"APPARENTLY THE PERSON THAT YOU TRIED TO CONTACT

"CANNOT HANDLE RESPONSIBILITY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

PLEASE, HANG UP AND FIND SOME BETTER FRIENDS."

BUT LIKE NOW TO ME IT'S LIKE JUST A BUNCH OF BS.

LIKE I'M SEEING A LOT MORE STUFF LIKE THAT NOW.

LIKE I WATCH A LOT OF TV. I WATCH A LOT OF COMMERCIALS.

AND THE COMMERCIALSARE THE THINGS THAT AREKIND OF GETTING TO ME.

LIKE I SAW A COMMERCIAL THE OTHER DAY FOR A GIRDLE.

A GIRDLE. DID I SAY THAT RIGHT, LADIES, GIRDLE?

- GIR-TLE? - [LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS RIGHT?

THAT'S DECEPTION...

LADIES.

THESE THE SAME WOMEN THAT GET MAD WHEN GUYS LIE TO THEM?

"I THOUGHT YOU WERE SINGLE." "I THOUGHT YOU WERE SLIM."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT DON'T GET ME WRONG THOUGH, EVERYBODY, MEN AND WOMEN

HAVE TRICKS THAT WE DO TO LOOK A CERTAIN WAY.

LIKE THEY SAY WEARING BLACK MAKES YOU LOOK THIN.

THAT'S TRUE,IF YOU'RE THIN.

[LAUGHTER]

OTHERWISE IT JUSTLOOK LIKE YOU'RE TRYING.

BUT WITH THAT BEING SAID, LADIES, MY WHOLE POINT IS

DO NOT FEEL LIKE YOU'VE GOT TO DO THESE TRICKS FOR US, DON'T,

'CAUSE THE AVERAGE GUY DOES NOT CARE.

DO WE? NO, WE DON'T...

AS LONG AS THE WHOLE IS SAFE AND CLEAN, SERIOUSLY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU COULD PROMOTE A CLAN RALLY. YOU COULD.

THEY'D BE LIKE, "I CAN'T BELIEVETHEY PUTTING THIS RACIST [BLEEP]

IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD!""YEAH, BUT YOU SEE THEM

- BIG BOOTY BITCHES THOUGH?" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SOME OF Y'ALL LAUGHED, OKAY.

I'M JUST SAYING IT WOULD BE WEIRD, YOU KNOW.

THEY'D BE TRYING TO HAVEA WET SHEET CONTEST.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GIVE CREDIT TO THEFEW WHITE PEOPLE THAT'SLAUGHING RIGHT NOW.

'CAUSE THE REST OF Y'ALL LOOKING AT THE BLACK PEOPLE

LIKE, "DON'T LAUGH. THEY'RE LOOKING RIGHT AT US.

"I KNOW IT WAS FUNNY.WE'LL LAUGH WHEN WE GETTO THE CAR, PLEASE.

PLEASE, DON'T START NO [BLEEP] IN HERE, PLEASE."

PEOPLE STILL GET UPSET WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT RACE.

THIS ONE GUY ASKED ME LAST WEEK, HE'S LIKE, "TY,

"DO YOU THINK RACE RELATIONS HAVE GOTTEN BETTER IN THIS COUNTRY?"

AND I HAD TO THINK ABOUT HOW TO ANSWER HIS QUESTION.

SO, I WAS LIKE, "WELL, AH, OFFICER...

[LAUGHTER]

IF YOU WOULD RELEASE THE CHOKE HOLD..."

HELL NO. RACE RELATIONSAIN'T GOT BETTER.

YOU KNOW WHY THOUGH? 'CAUSE WE PUT LABELS ON EVERYTHING...

EVERYTHING AND EVERYBODY.

IF YOU'RE DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD AND THE ROAD IS ICY...

BLACK ICE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DON'T ACT LIKE YOU AIN'TNEVER HEARD IT BEFORE.

LOOK, SHE'S SITTING THERE LIKE, "THAT'S JUST WRONG. I CALL IT

- AFRICAN-AMERICAN ICE." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I SAW A REPORT ON CNN. THE REPORT SAID,

"THE KILLER BEES ARE COMING.THE KILLER BEES."

BUT THESE WERE KILLER BEESBECAUSE THEY WERE "AFRICANIZED."

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT THE- WHAT ARE THESE HIP-HOP BEES?

LIKE THEY GONNA COME IN HERE AND STING EVERYBODY EXCEPT ME,

THIS ROW...

- AND HALF OF HIM. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TOO MANY LABELS.

BUT I DON'T JUST TALK ABOUT THE PROBLEM I PROVIDE SOLUTIONS.

HE'S LIKE "OH, [BLEEP]."NO, CHECK IT OUT.

SINCE ALL RACISM COME FROM STEREOTYPES,

I THINK WE SHOULD SWITCH STEREOTYPES

- EVERY 30 DAYS.- [LAUGHTER]

NO, CHECK IT OUT. THE STEREOTYPES THAT APPLY TO ONE CULTURE

SWITCH IT UP.

THAT WAY IF I EVER GOT PULLED OVER THE COP WOULD BE LIKE,

"WE STOPPED YOU 'CAUSE YOU MATCHED THE DESCRIPTION OF A CARJACKING SUSPECT."

"NO, NO, NO, OFFICER, IF YOU WOULD CHECK YOUR CALENDAR

- YOU MATCH THE DESCRIPTION." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THERE'S A LOT OF PRESSURE.

I'M SURE WE GOT SOME PARENTS OUT HERE. LIKE WHEN I WAS IN SCHOOL

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO BE THE BESTEST. YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

- SORRY, THE GOODEST-- - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT WAS JUST "TRY HARD, LITTLE BUCKAROO."

NOW, YOU'VE GOT TO BE NUMBER 1. NO BUMPER STICKERS THAT SAY,

"MODERATELY PROUD PARENT OF AN AVERAGE "C" STUDENT."

NOBODY GOT THEIR CAR SPRAY PAINTED, "GED 2005."

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

AND THEN PLUSI SIT THERE AND THINK--

I DON'T THINK EVERYBODY SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO BE A PARENT THOUGH.

- [APPLAUSE] - YEAH.

I THINK THERE SHOULD BE RESTRICTIONS ON

WHO CAN BREED REALLY, YOU KNOW. LIKE YOU THINK ABOUT

LIKE WHEN YOUGO BUY A CAR OR A HOUSE,

THEY DO A CREDIT CHECKTO MAKE SURE THAT YOU'REFINANCIAL RESPONSIBLE.

WE SHOULD HAVEPARENTAL CREDIT CHECKS.

YOU GO INTO THE OFFICE WITH LIKE,

"HEY, YOU'RE INTHE MARKET FOR A CHILD.

"GREAT TIME TO HAVE ONE. LET'S CHECK YOUR PAPERWORK

"TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING'S IN ORDER.

"WOW, THAT'S A PRETTY LOW SCORE.YOU MIGHT HAVE TO PUT YOUR KID

- IN YOUR MAMA NAME." - [LAUGHTER]

SEE, I KNEW MORE THAN BLACK PEOPLE WOULD GET THAT JOKE.

I KNEW THAT.

'CAUSE LIKE WHAT I'M SAYING TO YOU, LADIES,

BECAUSE THE MIRACLE OF CHILDBIRTH STARTS WITH Y'ALL--

STARTS WITH LADIES.

YOU KNOW 'CAUSE YOU HAVE YOUR EGGS...

YOU KNOW YOUR EGGULAR AREA, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S A REAL WORD.IT IS IN THE DICTIONARY.

AND LIKE EVERYONE KNOWS WHEN YOU GO TO THE NIGHTCLUB,

IF YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE, THEY WON'T LET YOU IN.

THAT'S THE BOUNCER RIGHT? I THINK MEDICAL SCIENCE

SHOULD COME UP WITH A MORE ADVANCE BIRTH CONTROL.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING, KIND OF LIKE A SPERM BOUNCER.

NO, I'M SAYING SOMETHING THAT WILL WORK IN FRONT OF THE EGG

TO KEEP OUT THE REALLY IGNORANT, DUMB ASS SPERM, YOU KNOW.

LIKE THE SPERM WILL COME UP TO THE EGG LIKE--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT WORKS BETTERWITH A CORD, SERIOUSLY.

BUT IT'LL COME UP TO THE EGG RIGHT, IT'D BE LIKE, "HEY,

"YOU WILL NOT BELIEVETHE LINE BEHIND ME, MAN.

"CHECK THIS OUT.HERE GO $20.

WHY DON'T YOU LET ME IN THE EGG?"

AND THE BOUNCER WILL BE LIKE, "WELL, HOLD UP.

"LET ME CHECK THE LIST MAKE SURE YOU QUALIFY.

"THAT'S A PRETTY LOW SCORE.

"AND LOOKING AT YOUR TAIL YOU SMOKE A LOT OF WEED.

"AND I DON'T THINK I CAN LET YOU IN HERE, DUDE.

SORRY, YOU'RE GONNAHAVE TO GO AROUND BACK."

[PAUSE]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU GET TO WATCH CARTOONS A LOT. THAT'S A NICE TIME.

I WAS WATCHINGCARTOONS THE OTHER DAY--LIKE THE OLDER ONES.

AND I WAS SITTING THEREAND I REMEMBER WHEN THEY DID NOT

SHOW CARTOONS PAST FIVE O'CLOCK IN THE AFTERNOON.

I KNOW YOU GUYS REMEMBER THAT.

IT'S LIKE A WHILE AGOUNLESS IT WAS A HOLIDAY.

IT'S LIKE IT'S THE GREAT PUMPKIN, CHARLIE BROWN.

NOW, CARTOON NETWORK, ALL DAY, ALL NIGHT

AND I'M SITTING THERE THINKING, "WHO ARE YOU BROADCASTING TO?

"IS THERE SOME LITTLE BOY THAT'S PACING HIS ROOM

"AT TWO OR THREEIN THE MORNING

WITH CANDY CIGARETTES AND HOT CHOCOLATE?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"I CAN'T [BLEEP] GET TO SLEEP. THIS IS BULL-[BLEEP].

I'VE GOT A TEST ON SHAPES TOMORROW."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ONE OF MY FAVORITE CARTOONS WHEN I WAS KID WAS SUPERMAN.

'CAUSE HE HAD A CAPE, THE SUPERPOWERS.

HIM AND LOIS LANE WERE HOOKED UP, YOU KNOW.

NOW THAT I'M GROWN, I'M SCARED.

'CAUSE I'M THINKING LOIS IS GOING TO GET HALF OF THOSE POWERS

- WHEN THEY GET DIVORCED. - [LAUGHTER]

AND YOU CAN'T BE SUPERMAN THEN, YOU KNOW.

IT'S LIKE "ABLE TO LEAP TALL BUILDINGS IN A SINGLE BOUND"...

- EVERY OTHER WEEKEND. - [LAUGHTER]

THEY ARGUING ALL THE TIME. SHE COMPLAINING THAT

HE'S FASTER THAN A SPEEDING BULLET.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SEE THAT TIME ALL THE LADIES ARE LIKE, "YAY." ALL THE GUYS ARE LIKE--

- [LAUGHTER] - THAT ALL I'M SAYING.

THEN I'M THINKING WHAT GUY WOULD ACTUALLY DATE LOIS AFTER SUPERMAN?

[LAUGHTER]

NOBODY.

WHAT IF YOU'RE OVER AT LOIS' HOUSE, 3:00 IN THE MORNING,

- SUPERMAN COME OVER DRUNK. - [LAUGHTER]

LIKE, [SLURRING] "LOIS-- LOIS, I KNOW YOU IN THERE.

BITCH, I CAN SEE YOU."

THANKS A LOT YOU GUYS, I AM DONE.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

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