Love, Sharpe, Von Hagen, Clark

  • Season 7, Ep 707
  • 01/02/2004

Loni Love describes her office potluck, Julius Sharpe answers personal ads in the negative, Kristeen von Hagen reads "Cosmopolitan" tips, and Tom Clark uses the "Kama Sutra."

ARE Y'ALL MARRIED?

ARE YOU ON MEDICATION

OR SOMETHING?

WHAT THE HELL...?

[LAUGHTER]

Y'ALL MARRIED?

THAT'S A PRETTY GIRL

YOU GETTIN'.

THAT'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND?

HOW'D YOU GET HER?

YOU SAVE HER LIFE OR SOMETHING?

WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING WITH

HER?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

STUFF YOU GOTTA LEARN IF YOU

WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP.

I COULD TEACH YOU.

DO YOU WANT TO LEARN?

YOU GOTTA LEARN TO SAY,

YOU RIGHT, I'M SORRY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S IT, JUST THAT.

DON'T MATTER.

DON'T EVEN LET THEM GET STARTED,

"YOU RIGHT, I'M SORRY," 'CAUSE

THEY WILL TALK AND TALK AND TALK

AND TALK.

[LAUGHTER]

ARE YOU GOING TO GET MARRIED?

Audience Member: SOMEDAY.

D.L. Hughley: THAT'S A SMART

ANSWER.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I SUGGEST YOU STRING IT OUT

AS LONG AS YOU CAN.

'CAUSE SHE'LL LET YOU KNOW

WHEN IT'S TIME.

YOU KNOW HOW THAT STARTS?

"WE HAVE TO TALK."

WHEN YOU HEAR THAT, RUN THE

(BLEEP) OUT THE HOUSE.

GO.

SAVE YOURSELF.

THANK Y'ALL FOR COMING OUT.

'CAUSE IN OUR OFFICE,

EVERYBODY HAS CUBICLES.

CUBICLE IS YOUR LITTLE

FO' BY SIX PRISON CELL.

EVERYBODY TRY TO DECORATE

THEY CUBICLE, OUT DO EVERYBODY.

AMY GOT PICTURES OF HER UGLY-ASS

FAMILY MEMBERS ALL IN HER

CUBICLE.

WE DON'T WANT TO SEE THEM

UGLY MOTHER (BLEEP)!

[LAUGHTER]

THEN YOU GOT THIS INTERN,

MAMMUD.

HE'S FROM SOME EIGHTH WORLD

COUNTRY.

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK HE A TERRORIST, ALRIGHT.

OH, YEAH, I GIVE HIM THE SAME

SPEECH EVERY MORNING,

"LISTEN HERE, MAMMUD.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR

INTENTIONS ARE, BUT IF YOU FEEL

LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO BLOW UP

THIS OFFICE, YOU GOT ANOTHER

THINK COMING.

I WILL SCREW YOUR ARM OFF

AND BEAT YOUR BRAINS OUT IF YOU

THINK YOU'RE GOING TO BLOW ME

UP.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NOW, COME ON.

LET'S GO GET SOME COFFEE.

WE A FAMILY."

[LAUGHTER]

IN MAMMUD'S CUBICLE, HE GOT

ALL THESE RUGS AND CANDLES,

ABOUT TO BURN US THE HELL UP

IN THE OFFICE.

AND IN MY CUBICLE, I'VE GOT

A COMPUTER, A TV, AND A GEORGE

FORMAN GRILL...

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE I'M GRILLING CHEESE

SANDWICHES FOR LUNCH.

I'M ON A BUDGET, ALRIGHT.

I LIKE HOT LUNCHES.

AND THEN, IN OUR OFFICE,

THEY TRY TO GIVE US ALL THESE

SPECIAL DAYS TO MAKE US MORE

OF A FAMILY.

WE WANT A FAMILY DAY, BRING YOUR

KIDS TO WORK DAY.

WHO THE HELL THOUGHT OF THIS?

PEOPLE GO TO WORK TO LEAVE THEY

DAMN KIDS.

BRINGING THEM FIVE YEAR-OLDS

AND THEM SIX YEAR-OLDS,

ASKING ME QUESTIONS I CAN'T

ANSWER.

"HOW DO LEAD GET IN THE PENCIL?"

"I DON'T KNOW, LITTLE...

GET YOUR, GET YOUR ASS OUT OF MY

OFFICE."

[LAUGHTER]

THEN THEY HAVE BRING YOUR PETS

TO WORK DAY.

THIS IS FOR THE HOMOSEXUALS THAT

DON'T HAVE NO KIDS.

THEY THINK I DON'T KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

FRANCOISE BRINGING ALL HIS

ANIMALS, HIS DOGS, HIS CATS,

HIS MONKEYS.

FRANCOISE'S ANIMALS CRAPPING

ALL IN THE CUBICLES.

FRANCOISE, GET THEM ANIMALS UP

OUT OF HERE, ALRIGHT?

THIS IS NOT NOAH'S ARC, ALRIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

I WENT TO THE MANAGEMENT.

I SAID, "LISTEN, I NEED ME A

DAY.

I FEEL LEFT OUT.

THERE'S SUPPOSED TO BE A FAMILY

EVENT.

I DON'T HAVE NO PETS AND I

DEFINITELY AIN'T GOT NO KIDS.

GIVE ME A DAY.

BRING A BACHELOR TO WORK DAY,

LET'S HAVE THAT DAY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SO I CAN SHOW HIM HOW TO WORK MY

GRILL."

[LAUGHTER]

HERE, SERIOUS TIME.

GUYS, IF YOU'RE DEPRESSED

OR UPSET OR WHATEVER,

GET CHECKED OUT, OKAY, BECAUSE

I WAS JUST REALLY DEPRESSED

FOR TWO YEARS.

I FINALLY WENT TO A THERAPIST

AND GOT DIAGNOSED.

TURNS OUT I'M POOR.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SO, OH, MAN.

I HAD TO REPLACE MY CELL PHONE,

AND I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS

HAVE DONE THIS RECENTLY,

BUT THE PLANS ARE LIKE THE

WEIRDEST COMBINATION OF MINUTES

YOU'VE EVER HEARD OF.

LIKE I GO IN THE STORE AND

THE GUY'S LIKE, "ALRIGHT,

WE'VE GOT ONE PLAN,

IT'S 300 MINUTES DURING THE DAY,

1500 MINUTES AT NIGHT."

HE WAS LIKE "WE'VE GOT ANOTHER

PLAN, 500 MINUTES DURING

THE DAY, 8000 MINUTES AT NIGHT!

[LAUGHTER]

[SHAKY VOICE] WE'VE GOT A THIRD

PLAN.

IT'S 2000 MINUTES DURING THE DAY

AND UM--

I SHOULDN'T EVEN BE TELLING YOU

THIS--

[LAUGHTER]

98,000 MINUTES AT NIGHT!!"

AND THAT'S THE PLAN I TOOK,

BECAUSE I'M A VAMPIRE, SO IF I'M

TALKING DURING THE DAY IT'S

REALLY SHORT.

IT'S LIKE, "VLAD, I'M DYING.

HELP, IT'S SUNNY.

COME GET ME.

OKAY, BYE."

[LAUGHTER]

PEOPLE ALSO PRESSURE ME TO GET A

PALM PILOT.

MY FRIENDS ARE LIKE, "DUDE,

YOU'VE GOT TO GET A PALM PILOT,

'CAUSE THEN I COULD BEAM YOU MY

ADDRESS."

[LAUGHTER]

I'M NOT REALLY INTO THAT.

INSTEAD, I WENT OUT AND I GOT

AN ACTUAL PILOT.

SO IF I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT

I'M LIKE, "YO, I'VE GOT TO GO

TO THE DENTIST ON TUESDAY!"

AND HE'S LIKE, "ROGER.

THAT'S A DENTIST APPOINTMENT

ON TUESDAY.

YOU'RE GOING TO JUST WANT

TO HEAD DOWN BROADWAY.

IT'S THE THIRD BUILDING ON THE

RIGHT.

JUST WALK IN.

NORMALLY, IT WOULD ONLY TAKE

A COUPLE OF MINUTES, BUT YOU

HAVEN'T FLOSSED IN TWO YEARS

SO YOU MAY BLEED TO DEATH.

[STATIC] OVER."

[LAUGHTER]

AND, UM, I'M SCARED OF FLYING

THOUGH.

I'M SCARED OF HI-JACKING.

I KNOW I LOOK BRAVE, BUT I'M

SCARED OF HI-JACKING.

BUT THEN I REALIZED,

YOU KNOW WHAT, IF THE PLANE GETS

HI-JACKED, I'M JUST GOING TO

JOIN IN.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW IT WOULD BE LIKE,

"THIS PLANE'S GOING TO EGYPT!"

AND I'LL BE LIKE, "YEAH!

YEAH!

EGYPT!

WE'RE GOING TO EGYPT EVERYONE!

COME ON!"

[APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

AND I THINK EVERYONE, EVERYONE

SHOULD JOIN IN AND JUST BE LIKE,

"THAT'S A GREAT IDEA!!

EGYPT!

YOU GUYS, WE'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

SIT DOWN.

JUST WATCH AL PACINO IN SIMONE.

YOU GUYS TAKE IT EASY.

YOU GUYS HAVE..."

THEY JUST LAND IN MICHIGAN.

YOU'RE LIKE, "SORRY.

[BLOWS RASPBERRIES]"

I ANSWER PERSONAL ADS.

I'M NOT ASHAMED TO ADMIT IT.

I DO.

I ANSWER PERSONAL ADS.

YOU GOT ME.

BUT I THINK I'M THE ONLY ONE

THAT ANSWERS THEM IN THE

NEGATIVE.

LIKE I'LL CALL UP AND BE LIKE,

"YEAH, ARE YOU THE SINGLE WHITE

FEMALE, 29, WHO LIKES LONG WALKS

ON THE BEACH, POETRY AND JAZZ?

I'M NOT INTERESTED.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BORING, BORING, BORING,

BORING, BORING.

YOU'RE BORING.

YOU'RE BORING.

BYE."

[LAUGHTER]

YOU'RE BORING.

I HAVE A BOYFRIEND.

WHEW!

THANK YOU.

YES.

BUT THE BAD NEWS IS I AM

NOT GOOD IN RELATIONSHIPS.

I AM NOT GOOD.

I GET ALL JEALOUS.

LIKE I GET ALL JEALOUS.

LIKE I DON'T EVEN LIKE TO SEE MY

BOYFRIEND TALKING TO HIS WIFE.

[LAUGHTER]

SO NOW I HAVE THE BOYFRIEND.

I STARTED READING COSMO MAGAZINE

FOR TIPS.

HERE'S A TIP.

DON'T DO THAT.

DON'T...

[LAUGHTER]

COSMO'S FULL OF GARBAGE,

AND I READ THIS ONE ARTICLE,

"101 WAYS TO TURN ON YOUR MAN."

RIGHT?

SO I'M LIKE, "YES, I NEED

100 WAYS.

I HAVE ONE WAY, I NEED

100 MORE."

[LAUGHTER]

AND ONE OF THE WAYS WAS,

"WHEN TALKING TO YOUR MAN,

GENTLY RUB YOURSELF."

[LAUGHTER]

"HELLO...

[LAUGHTER]

VON HAGEN."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

BUT THEN IT SAID IN BOLD LETTERS

"BUT DON'T SCRATCH."

I THINK I FIGURED THAT OUT IN

GRADE FIVE.

GUYS DON'T DIG ITCHY CHICKS.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M ALWAYS WATCHING SEX ADVICE

SHOWS FOR TIPS.

MY FAVORITE ONE IS SEX WITH SUE.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU WATCH THAT.

YES, ONE FAN.

SWEET.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS SHOW

IS, IT'S AN ADVICE CALL-IN SHOW

HOSTED BY A VERY DANGEROUS OLD

WOMAN...

[LAUGHTER]

WHO SOMETIMES HAS WOODEN SEX

PUPPETS.

SO THIS WOMAN PHONES IN WITH HER

BIG PROBLEM AND HE PROBLEM WAS--

NOW BRACE YOURSELVES--

SHE'D BEEN STICKING THINGS INTO

HERSELF.

SURE, FINE, BUT...

SHE'D BEEN USING THINGS LIKE

CARROTS AND CUCUMBERS AND

PICKLES.

THAT DIDN'T REALLY UPSET YOU

THE WAY I THOUGHT IT MIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GUYS ARE LIKE, "AND...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IS THIS GOING TO GET CREEPY

AT SOME POINT?

OR..."

CUCUMBERS, CARROTS.

SO THIS IS BEGINNING TO HAVE

LIKE A NEGATIVE AFFECT ON HER

OVERALL HEALTH, RIGHT.

AND SHE WAS SURPRISED.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M LIKE, "DON'T BE SURPRISED.

IT'S NOT A PURSE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN'T JUST THROW WHATEVER

YOU WANT IN THERE AND HOPE FOR

THE BEST.

YOU NEED A PLAN, LADY."

[LAUGHTER]

I COULD TELL YOU WHAT I DON'T

WANT FROM THIS WOMAN, HER TO

MAKE ME A SALAD.

NO, THANK YOU.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I AM FINE.

I DON'T WANT ANYTHING FROM YOUR

SLUTTY CRISPER.

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE WHEN I WALK UP

HERE, I IMMEDIATELY HAVE TO GAIN

EVERYONE'S RESPECT.

THAT'S A VERY TOUGH THING TO DO.

THAT'S WHY WE SHOULD COME UP

HERE LIKE A GUEST ON ONE OF

THOSE DAYTIME TALK SHOWS.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO EARN ANYONE'S

RESPECT.

IT WOULD BE GREAT.

THEY'D ANNOUNCE MY NAME,

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

HERE HE IS, MR. TOM CLARK."

YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

WHO YOU CALLING A HOE?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M NOT A VERY AGGRESSIVE

PERSON.

I'M VERY PASSIVE.

LIKE DO YOU EVER DO THIS?

DO YOU EVER LET SOMEBODY CALL

YOU THE WRONG NAME 'CAUSE YOU

JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE CORRECTING

THEM?

[LAUGHTER]

THEN LIKE SIX MONTHS LATER

YOU FINALLY TELL THEM.

YOU'RE LIKE, "YOU KNOW MY NAME

ISN'T JOHN.

IT'S TOM."

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "WHY DIDN'T

YOU TELL ME THAT IN THE

BEGINNING?"

"I WASN'T PLANNING ON KNOWING

YOU THIS LONG...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TO BE HONEST WITH YOU.

YEAH, I FIGURED YOU WERE A TEMP,

SO WHO CARES, YOU KNOW."

A LOT OF COUPLES HERE TONIGHT,

RIGHT.

HERE'S A BIG THING WITH ANY,

IF YOU GUYS ARE DATING OR IN A

RELATIONSHIP, FOR GODS SAKE,

COMMUNICATE WITH ONE ANOTHER.

IT'S SO ESSENTIAL TO ANY GOOD

RELATIONSHIP.

LET ME TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED IN

MY RELATIONSHIP, IF I COULD JUST

HAVE A MOMENT OF YOUR TIME.

[LAUGHTER]

SIX MONTHS INTO THE

RELATIONSHIP, I FIND OUT SHE

ONLY SPEAKS SPANISH.

[LAUGHTER]

NO, YOU THINK YOU KNOW A PERSON

AFTER THAT AMOUNT OF TIME.

I FIND THIS OUT, AND AT FIRST

I DIDN'T SUSPECT ANYTHING.

YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT SHE WAS JUST

TALKING REALLY FAST.

[LAUGHTER]

THEN I GET ONE OF THESE

"DEAR JUAN" LETTERS AND...

[LAUGHTER]

I SAID TO HER, "MY NAME ISN'T

JUAN, IT'S TOM."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO HERE'S WHAT I DID.

I TALKED TO A FRIEND OF MINE,

GOOD FRIEND OF MINE,

LARRY FLYNT.

[LAUGHTER]

AH.

I SAY TO HIM, "LARRY, HOW DO YOU

MEET GIRLS?

WHAT'S THE BIG SECRET?"

HE SAYS, "WOMEN LOVE GUYS

WITH A FOREIGN ACCENT, RIGHT.

WOMEN LOVE THIS, RIGHT.

A GUY WITH A FOREIGN ACCENT."

SO I TRY IT OUT THE OTHER NIGHT.

I GO OUT TO ONE OF THESE POSH

NIGHTCLUBS, I SPOT A YOUNG LADY

WHO, YOU KNOW, CATCHES MY FANCY.

PEOPLE SAY THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

AND, AH, I TRY OUT THE FOREIGN

ACCENTS.

YOU KNOW I CASUALLY APPROACH,

I'M PLAYING IT COOL.

I'M LIKE...

[SNAPPING FINGERS]

[LAUGHTER]

"[CLEARS THROAT]

HARR-O.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU ARE VERY BOOT-I-FUL."

[LAUGHTER]

SHE GOES RUNNING OUT OF THE BAR

LIKE I'M SOME SORT OF WEIRDO.

I DON'T CARE.

I WOULDN'T WANT TO DATE A RACIST

LIKE THAT ANYWAYS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE OTHER THING THAT HAPPENED

TO ME WAS I WAS ALMOST MUGGED,

BUT LUCKILY I HAD PICKED UP

A BOOK ON SELF-DEFENSE.

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, I THOUGHT IT WAS A BOOK

ON SELF-DEFENSE, BUT IT TURNED

OUT TO BE THE KAMASUTRA.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

WHICH IS LIKE A LOVEMAKING BOOK.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

LET ME JUST SAY THIS, THAT

MUGGER DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HIT HIM.

I WAS LIKE, "YEE-AHH!

HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND, AH...

HE STILL CALLS.

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