Love, Sharpe, Von Hagen, Clark

  • Season 7, Ep 707
  • 01/02/2004

Loni Love describes her office potluck, Julius Sharpe answers personal ads in the negative, Kristeen von Hagen reads "Cosmopolitan" tips, and Tom Clark uses the "Kama Sutra."

ARE Y'ALL MARRIED?

ARE YOU ON MEDICATION

OR SOMETHING?

WHAT THE HELL...?

[LAUGHTER]

Y'ALL MARRIED?

THAT'S A PRETTY GIRL

YOU GETTIN'.

THAT'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND?

HOW'D YOU GET HER?

YOU SAVE HER LIFE OR SOMETHING?

WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING WITH

HER?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

STUFF YOU GOTTA LEARN IF YOU

WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP.

I COULD TEACH YOU.

DO YOU WANT TO LEARN?

YOU GOTTA LEARN TO SAY,

YOU RIGHT, I'M SORRY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S IT, JUST THAT.

DON'T MATTER.

DON'T EVEN LET THEM GET STARTED,

"YOU RIGHT, I'M SORRY," 'CAUSE

THEY WILL TALK AND TALK AND TALK

AND TALK.

[LAUGHTER]

ARE YOU GOING TO GET MARRIED?

Audience Member: SOMEDAY.

D.L. Hughley: THAT'S A SMART

ANSWER.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I SUGGEST YOU STRING IT OUT

AS LONG AS YOU CAN.

'CAUSE SHE'LL LET YOU KNOW

WHEN IT'S TIME.

YOU KNOW HOW THAT STARTS?

"WE HAVE TO TALK."

WHEN YOU HEAR THAT, RUN THE

(BLEEP) OUT THE HOUSE.

GO.

SAVE YOURSELF.

THANK Y'ALL FOR COMING OUT.

'CAUSE IN OUR OFFICE,

EVERYBODY HAS CUBICLES.

CUBICLE IS YOUR LITTLE

FO' BY SIX PRISON CELL.

EVERYBODY TRY TO DECORATE

THEY CUBICLE, OUT DO EVERYBODY.

AMY GOT PICTURES OF HER UGLY-ASS

FAMILY MEMBERS ALL IN HER

CUBICLE.

WE DON'T WANT TO SEE THEM

UGLY MOTHER (BLEEP)!

[LAUGHTER]

THEN YOU GOT THIS INTERN,

MAMMUD.

HE'S FROM SOME EIGHTH WORLD

COUNTRY.

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK HE A TERRORIST, ALRIGHT.

OH, YEAH, I GIVE HIM THE SAME

SPEECH EVERY MORNING,

"LISTEN HERE, MAMMUD.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR

INTENTIONS ARE, BUT IF YOU FEEL

LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO BLOW UP

THIS OFFICE, YOU GOT ANOTHER

THINK COMING.

I WILL SCREW YOUR ARM OFF

AND BEAT YOUR BRAINS OUT IF YOU

THINK YOU'RE GOING TO BLOW ME

UP.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NOW, COME ON.

LET'S GO GET SOME COFFEE.

WE A FAMILY."

[LAUGHTER]

IN MAMMUD'S CUBICLE, HE GOT

ALL THESE RUGS AND CANDLES,

ABOUT TO BURN US THE HELL UP

IN THE OFFICE.

AND IN MY CUBICLE, I'VE GOT

A COMPUTER, A TV, AND A GEORGE

FORMAN GRILL...

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE I'M GRILLING CHEESE

SANDWICHES FOR LUNCH.

I'M ON A BUDGET, ALRIGHT.

I LIKE HOT LUNCHES.

AND THEN, IN OUR OFFICE,

THEY TRY TO GIVE US ALL THESE

SPECIAL DAYS TO MAKE US MORE

OF A FAMILY.

WE WANT A FAMILY DAY, BRING YOUR

KIDS TO WORK DAY.

WHO THE HELL THOUGHT OF THIS?

PEOPLE GO TO WORK TO LEAVE THEY

DAMN KIDS.

BRINGING THEM FIVE YEAR-OLDS

AND THEM SIX YEAR-OLDS,

ASKING ME QUESTIONS I CAN'T

ANSWER.

"HOW DO LEAD GET IN THE PENCIL?"

"I DON'T KNOW, LITTLE...

GET YOUR, GET YOUR ASS OUT OF MY

OFFICE."

[LAUGHTER]

THEN THEY HAVE BRING YOUR PETS

TO WORK DAY.

THIS IS FOR THE HOMOSEXUALS THAT

DON'T HAVE NO KIDS.

THEY THINK I DON'T KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

FRANCOISE BRINGING ALL HIS

ANIMALS, HIS DOGS, HIS CATS,

HIS MONKEYS.

FRANCOISE'S ANIMALS CRAPPING

ALL IN THE CUBICLES.

FRANCOISE, GET THEM ANIMALS UP

OUT OF HERE, ALRIGHT?

THIS IS NOT NOAH'S ARC, ALRIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

I WENT TO THE MANAGEMENT.

I SAID, "LISTEN, I NEED ME A

DAY.

I FEEL LEFT OUT.

THERE'S SUPPOSED TO BE A FAMILY

EVENT.

I DON'T HAVE NO PETS AND I

DEFINITELY AIN'T GOT NO KIDS.

GIVE ME A DAY.

BRING A BACHELOR TO WORK DAY,

LET'S HAVE THAT DAY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SO I CAN SHOW HIM HOW TO WORK MY

GRILL."

[LAUGHTER]