Keller, Barham, Maron

  • Season 2, Ep 0222
  • 05/24/1993

is that no one can call me onthe phone while I'm doing it.

Because I've been having,you know this thing where,

the people who call me now,half of them are my friends

and the other half are theselike salesman or con artists,

you know, these guys thatcall you up and tell you

that you've alreadywon a great prize.

All you have to do is buy like$100 worth of their vitamins

or butt lotion orsomething else.

You know.

Something you don't even need.

And then and theytell you the prizes.

And it's a list of prizes.

You know which one you wonafter you hear the list.

Congratulations, Mr. Johannsen.

You have won a 1993Chevy Blazer or $10,000

in cash or a diamond style ring.

You know.


A diamond style ring.

What is a diamond style ring?

Well, you knowwhat a diamond is?


Well, it's like that.

What is it worth?

Well, value is so subjective.

You know?

Why, if you couldsell it for $10,000,

it would be worth$10,000, now wouldn't it?


But I just I can't believeyou don't want to win a brand

new car.

Why, I do.

I'm just pretty surethat I won the ring.

You're worried about ring.

The odds that you won thering are infinitesimal.

Why is that?

We've been givingaway a lot of rings.


Well, so send me the car then.

I'm sorry I can't dothat, Mr. Johannsen.

I can't tell youwhich prize you won

until you buy our butt lotion.

Well, I don't needany butt lotion.

It's not about butt lotion.

It's about fabulous prizes.

Uh, yeah, like adiamond style ring.


Now give us yourcredit card number.

They always want your-- Youknow I'm not going to give you--

Why, are you crazy?

You don't want to win a car?

I just don't want adiamond style ring.

That's all.

It's really good butt lotion.

This is not drugstorebutt lotion.

This is salonquality butt lotion.

Checking you folks out.

I know you're looking at me andI know what you're thinking,

you're looking at meand your thinking, Hey.

How old is that guy's hair?

Yeah, the hair's like 97.

I turned 41.

And I don't feel old though.

I feel young.

I see plenty of guys heretonight around my age.

And right, like,you're, a guy over here.

Don't you feelstill young inside?

I feel like a teenager inside.


As long as you don't look atyourself naked in the mirror,

you feel good aboutyourself, right?

It's things that happen toyou that make you feel old.

Gifts that you get.

There's one out there.

There's no escaping this gift.

Everybody gets onesooner or later.

I don't care if you'reblack, white, male, female,

everyone gets onesooner or later.

Get it aroundChristmas or Hannukah.

It's the HIckory FarmCheese Gift Set Box.

You get that, you just go, no!

Cause you know what it means.

It means somebody in yourfamily younger than you thinks,

I don't know what to get him.He's an old guy.

I don't know whatold people need.

Binding food isgood for old people.

Here's some cheese, Uncle Bill.

This should you keepyou regular for a while.

Here you go.

Another sign of getting older.

Just started happening to me.

Driving down the highway,I saw my blinker was on.

I don't rememberputting that thing on.

I had no idea how longit had been on for.

You suddenlyrealize, I'm the guy

I used to hate to be behind.

And it's worse when youhave kids in the car.

Because kids won'ttell you it's on.

Kids love to see theirparents make mistakes.

They'll time you to see howlong you leave it on for.


Dad half an hour.

Pick out a left forcrying out loud.

Got stopped by thecops with the kids

in the car for the first time.

I turn around.

I figured they'd benervous and scared.

Because it's ascary thing, right?

Red light, the siren.

And I turn around in thebackseat going, Yeah!

Dad's going to the big house.

Dad's going to besomebody's woman.


Boy, you find yourselfsaying and doing

the things yourparents said and did.

Can't help it, You're turningright into your folks.


I'm saying stuff mydad would say to me.

He would say stufflike, I want you

to have the things I never had.

Apparently my dadnever had a beating.

Good old dad.

He was an alcoholic, my father.

I looked up to him.

I didn't know he had a problem.

Because when you're really tiny.

You're a little kid.

You think your dad's a god.

I thought all dadswere like my dad.

I didn't know he had aproblem with his drinking

until I was old enoughto go to my buddies.

And I saw his fatherwalk down the stairs.

What's your dad doing?

Doesn't he know it's alot quicker to roll down?

Can't complain though.

He was a good dad.

Always found time for me.

Saturday morning wasour time together.

Every Saturday, we'd go fora walk and look for the car.

Now I'm doing somethingmy parents used to do.

Now that we have four kids.

And we're buying stuff.

And telling them,you'll grow into it.

Now I'm going,you'll grow into it.

That's what I'm doing I'm buyingstuff that they'll grow into.

But I can wear in the meantime.

Yeah, how do you likethe baby's jacket?

Not bad, huh?

We have four kidswhich is interesting.

You know, people don'tbelieve you wanted four kids.

People always figure there's anexcuse for that many children.

They didn't want four kids.

They try to find outwhy you have so many.

And the first thing theyask is, are you Catholic?

I like to tell them, no,we're just white trash.

Thanks for asking.

Big misconception whenyou have four kids, too.

People think you'rehaving sex all the time.

Oh, they're sexmaniacs, four kids.

Nonstop sex.

You married guysknow what it means.

It just means I'mbatting a thousand.

That's right.

20 years, I'm four for four.

Single guys aresitting here and laugh.

They'll think,oh, that's a joke.


The married guys aregoing, he's lying.

Nobody gets it that manytimes in a marriage.

I just got back from Florida.

You know, thelegislature down there

has now passed a law,says it's illegal to wear

a thong bikini on a State beach.

I thought, man that's justfreedom of expression.

And then I thought, well maybethat's not such a bad law

after all, consideringthe average age in Florida

is about 75.

i think I'd sacrifice alittle of grandma's freedom

of expression justto get her ass

back into a pairof culottes huh?

Let me tell you, you lookup from your snow cone

and you see something that lookslike Prune Face from Dick Tracy

doing a handstand coming at you.

The only thing that'llturn you to stone quicker

than Medusa's headis Aunt Bea's butt.

I've just never seen somany old people in my life.

You know, I thinkthe Florida State

flag must have a Clapper on it.

My grandmother wantedone of those, a Clapper.

So we got it for her.

And we hooked it up toher life support system.

Who's in the will, grandma?

Who's in the will?

[clap, clap]

Who's your favorite grandson?

[clap, clap]

You want the inheritance andyou know it, clap your hands.

[clap, clap]

Yeah, don't pull the plugon them, just clap them off.

Oh, man.

I tell you.

I'm not trying tobe ageist, it's

just there's already enoughprejudice in society as it is.

I just joined the BigBrother program recently.

The very first question thatlady asked me over the phone

was, well, what racedo you want him to be?

So just to messwith her, I said,

I don't care what race he is,just so long as when I pick him

up, he's wearing something sexy.

I don't care if he'sblack, white, yellow, red,

If he's in hot pants,call me Big Daddy.

That seems kind ofodd, doesn't it?

Forgive me Father,for I have sinned.

It's been two weeks sincemy last transmission.

And the Pope has a 900 number.

Can you believe that?

A 900 number you can call.

The number is 1, 900, the pope.

Costs $1.25 a minute and youget hooked up to Vatican City.

I think the folks at theVatican have taken this True

Confessions hotlinething a little too far.

What could that be like?

Hi, You've reached the Pope'strue confessions hotline.

If you're Catholic, andseeking absolution from sin,

please press the numberon your touch tone pad

corresponding to thecommandment you have violated.

For masturbation, pleasepress the pound key.

So I wish I didn'thave to do that.

But I'm just so horriblewith women, I just,

I'm not very good with them.

I was at this barthe other night.

I met this girl.

I thought thing weregoing along great.

And I was like, what do you sayyou and I go back to my place?

She was just, she snapped.

She looked at me, and she goes, I wouldn't sleep with you

if you're the last man on earth.

I was like, no kidding babe,if I was a last man on earth,

I could be a little bit pickier.

Hell, you wouldn'tlive long enough

to make it to thefront of the line.

You have to peer throughthe overly moussed coifs

of at least 26 NFLcheerleading squads just

to see the back ofMorgan Fairchild's head.

Oh man.

Morgan Fairchild, she'ssuch a media creation.

And I tell you.

I have a theory about the media.

I think it's sortof like computers.

Garbage in, garbage out.

There's so much stupidstuff in the media.

I think if you seeenough of it, it

can't help but make you stupid.

Like USA Today, I was reading inthe celebrity obituary column,

that the Guinness Book of WorldRecord's oldest living person

had died.

Carrie White died atthe age of 118 years

old Last line of theobituary said, and I quote,

cause of death has notyet been determined.

Let me take a wild stabin the dark on this one.

Probably not crib death.

Well guys, I do a littlewriting every now and then.

Specifically a little poetry.

And recently I finished apoem I submitted to Hallmark

and I wanted to share itwith you before I went.

When the road youchose gets rocky.

And the way leads all uphill.

And even goodfriends desert you.

As they sometimes will.

When the deck seemsstacked against you.

Seems there's noway you can win.

That's the time to buy agun and put it to your chin.

When problems loom too largeand they're only getting bigger.

Suck the barrel, baby, it'stime to pull the trigger.

Listen, guys, thanks a lot.

Let' me tell you why Ifeel great because you

can feel as great as I do.

I just bought anew self help book.

Came with a gun.

It's a really simple program.

You just put the unloadedgun next to your bed.

And right when you wake upin the morning, first thing

you put one bullet inthe cylinder, spin it.

Good morning.

Carpe diem.


No coffee for me.

I lived.

Get out of my way.

And you can really getyour life in perspective

when it flashes beforeyour eyes every morning.

Let's loosen up a little bit.

Let me tell you howelse I keep my sanity.

I also do some uppositive affirmations.

These are somepositive things I say

to myself after Ido the gun thing.

I just sit up in bed.

This is the first one.

Take a deep breath and like--

[sucks in breath]

Man I gotta lighten up.


I want everyoneto do it, please.

After me.

Deep breath.

[sucks in breath]|

Man I gotta lighten up.


Let it out.


Here's the second one.

[sucks in breath]

It's everyone's fault but mine.

Come on.


Deep breath.

It's everyone's fault but mine.


Just displace that blame.

Feel better about you.

That's what it's about.

All right.Here's the last one.

I got to hurry.

All right.

It's OK to be filledwith hate people suck .

Come on.

It's OK to be filledwith hate people such.


Now hail Satan.

Let me see those hands.

Come on.

If I could, just a few wordsin defense of David Karesh.

Oh, no.

You think he was crazy.

You think he was nuts.

But he convinced 150people he was God.

What have you done lately?

He was no Manson though.

Manson was the kingof that I think.

Manson goes up for parole everyyear and they put them on TV.

And up to aboutfive years ago he

was still sort ofominous and threatening.


But now Manson's like the oldvaudevillian of serial killers.

They put them on TV.

It's like, Hey, Charlie's on.

Come here, look.

Yeah, we know, man.

'60s are over buddy.

They should give himhis own TV station.

Charlie Manson.

What do you think?

There's going to be 500TV stations in five years.

Did you read that article?

500 TV-- What are they goingto put on 500 TV stations?

Andy Warhol once said, we'llall be famous for 15 minutes.

I think he was wrong.

I think we're allgetting our own show.

World Trade Center blows up.

The one thing Ilearned from this

is that if you everfancy yourself a rebel.

Have you ever acar that you sold

and it still had like30 tickets on it.

I got away with it.

World Trade Center blew up.

All they had waslike a little piece

a metal, a pubic hair,and a funny smell.

And they busted a guyin Egypt inside a week.

Don't kid yourself.

If they want you, theywill be up your butt

with an unauthorizedbiography in a heartbeat.

Let's see, I've got to wrap up.

I'd like to say thatI'm a 29-year-old.

I guess I'm part of thebaby buster bunch you know.

I'm going to be growing outof my market group soon.

I'm a little nervous.

I don't know whatthe future holds.

But this is allpostmodern nouveau beatnik

retro bohemian thing going on.

You know what I mean?

You walk into some coffeeshops and it feels like you're

in expatriate Paris in the '20s.

You know, you'relike, hey, isn't that

a young ErnestHemingway over there?


I think it is.

Let's go look and seewhat he's writing.

It's a Gap application.