Keller, Barham, Maron

  • Season 2, Ep 22
  • 05/24/1993

Keller, Barham, Maron

is that no one can call me onthe phone while I'm doing it.

Because I've been having,you know this thing where,

the people who call me now,half of them are my friends

and the other half are theselike salesman or con artists,

you know, these guys thatcall you up and tell you

that you've alreadywon a great prize.

All you have to do is buy like$100 worth of their vitamins

or butt lotion orsomething else.

You know.

Something you don't even need.

And then and theytell you the prizes.

And it's a list of prizes.

You know which one you wonafter you hear the list.

Congratulations, Mr. Johannsen.

You have won a 1993Chevy Blazer or $10,000

in cash or a diamond style ring.

You know.


A diamond style ring.

What is a diamond style ring?

Well, you knowwhat a diamond is?


Well, it's like that.

What is it worth?

Well, value is so subjective.

You know?

Why, if you couldsell it for $10,000,

it would be worth$10,000, now wouldn't it?


But I just I can't believeyou don't want to win a brand

new car.

Why, I do.

I'm just pretty surethat I won the ring.

You're worried about ring.

The odds that you won thering are infinitesimal.

Why is that?

We've been givingaway a lot of rings.


Well, so send me the car then.

I'm sorry I can't dothat, Mr. Johannsen.

I can't tell youwhich prize you won

until you buy our butt lotion.

Well, I don't needany butt lotion.

It's not about butt lotion.

It's about fabulous prizes.

Uh, yeah, like adiamond style ring.


Now give us yourcredit card number.

They always want your-- Youknow I'm not going to give you--

Why, are you crazy?

You don't want to win a car?

I just don't want adiamond style ring.

That's all.

It's really good butt lotion.

This is not drugstorebutt lotion.

This is salonquality butt lotion.

Let' me tell you why Ifeel great because you

can feel as great as I do.

I just bought anew self help book.

Came with a gun.

It's a really simple program.

You just put the unloadedgun next to your bed.

And right when you wake upin the morning, first thing

you put one bullet inthe cylinder, spin it.

Good morning.

Carpe diem.


No coffee for me.

I lived.

Get out of my way.

And you can really getyour life in perspective

when it flashes beforeyour eyes every morning.

Let's loosen up a little bit.

Let me tell you howelse I keep my sanity.

I also do some uppositive affirmations.

These are somepositive things I say

to myself after Ido the gun thing.

I just sit up in bed.

This is the first one.

Take a deep breath and like--

[sucks in breath]

Man I gotta lighten up.


I want everyoneto do it, please.

After me.

Deep breath.

[sucks in breath]|

Man I gotta lighten up.


Let it out.


Here's the second one.

[sucks in breath]

It's everyone's fault but mine.

Come on.


Deep breath.

It's everyone's fault but mine.


Just displace that blame.

Feel better about you.

That's what it's about.

All right.Here's the last one.

I got to hurry.

All right.

It's OK to be filledwith hate people suck .

Come on.

It's OK to be filledwith hate people such.


Now hail Satan.

Let me see those hands.

Come on.

If I could, just a few wordsin defense of David Karesh.

Oh, no.

You think he was crazy.

You think he was nuts.

But he convinced 150people he was God.

What have you done lately?

He was no Manson though.

Manson was the kingof that I think.

Manson goes up for parole everyyear and they put them on TV.

And up to aboutfive years ago he

was still sort ofominous and threatening.


But now Manson's like the oldvaudevillian of serial killers.

They put them on TV.

It's like, Hey, Charlie's on.

Come here, look.

Yeah, we know, man.

'60s are over buddy.

They should give himhis own TV station.

Charlie Manson.

What do you think?

There's going to be 500TV stations in five years.

Did you read that article?

500 TV-- What are they goingto put on 500 TV stations?

Andy Warhol once said, we'llall be famous for 15 minutes.

I think he was wrong.

I think we're allgetting our own show.

World Trade Center blows up.

The one thing Ilearned from this

is that if you everfancy yourself a rebel.

Have you ever acar that you sold

and it still had like30 tickets on it.

I got away with it.

World Trade Center blew up.

All they had waslike a little piece

a metal, a pubic hair,and a funny smell.

And they busted a guyin Egypt inside a week.

Don't kid yourself.

If they want you, theywill be up your butt

with an unauthorizedbiography in a heartbeat.

Let's see, I've got to wrap up.

I'd like to say thatI'm a 29-year-old.

I guess I'm part of thebaby buster bunch you know.

I'm going to be growing outof my market group soon.

I'm a little nervous.

I don't know whatthe future holds.

But this is allpostmodern nouveau beatnik

retro bohemian thing going on.

You know what I mean?

You walk into some coffeeshops and it feels like you're

in expatriate Paris in the '20s.

You know, you'relike, hey, isn't that

a young ErnestHemingway over there?


I think it is.

Let's go look and seewhat he's writing.

It's a Gap application.