Tom Papa looks back on methods of teenage seduction, Ralphie May gets high at a same-sex wedding, and Rob Corddry's wife accidentally sends a horrible email.
Rob Corddy.[cheers and applause]
(Rob)A couple years ago,
my wife and I--we,we bought a house.
My favorite featurewas that
lining the frontof the property
was a fence.
This fence had a motor.
This was a Hot Rod fence.
And there was a buttonat the end of the driveway
and if you pushedthat button,
the gate in frontof the driveway, it opens.
And if you pressthat button again,
So I was outside one dayat the end of my driveway,
just hitting the button.[mimics gate opening]
Just passing the timeopening and closing my gate.
When my next door neighborpeeks over her fence.
She says, "Hey.Enjoying your fence, huh?
"You know, I--I toldthe former owner...
"that fence is over height.
It's too high, it actuallyviolates zoning regulations."
So I said...
"Why don't you mindyour own business,
you old, dried up bitch?Who asked you?"
Is what I should have said.That's what I should have said.
Now, I didn't thinkmuch of it.
And then about two weeks ago,I'm--I'm walking out
my front door, maybe gonnasqueeze in some mid-afternoon
opening and closingof the gate.
And I see that my fence...
got a ticket.
Somebody from the zoning board,probably, uh,
probably one ofthe zoning board cops,
pulled over my Hot Rod fenceand gave it a ticket.
Now, I like to imaginewhen my fence was pulled over,
that it was likekind of a dick.
You know, that it waslike, all cocky
kind of belligerent.
The zoning board guypulled him over,
he's like--walks up.
Zoning board cop's like,
"You know why I pulled you overtoday?"
My fence is like,"Pffff. 'Cause you went
to a state school,can't find a better job?"
High fives the mailbox![laughter]
And so this is where--this isthe point where my wife
smashes into the storylike some human-sized
pitcher of Kool-Aid.
And she's like...
"It was that coughing bitchnext door who turned us in."
The woman next door,our neighbor in question,
has emphysema--ha, ha, ha,ha, ha, ha, ha.
So I said to my wife,
like, "What are we gonna do,Confront her?
I mean, she has emphysema."
And my wife's like,"Oh, I'll give her emphysema."
And I was like, "No, no, no.You don't have to.
You know what, she's got it."
She's got the thing.
Uh, so, I mean, that was it.
There was nothing we could doexcept tear the fence down.
Um, that's right.
I'm sorry but about--about a month later,
I'm at work and I geta call from my wife.
"Hey!Hey, what's going on?
"Sorry to bug you at work.Just a quick question.
How do you un-sendan email?"
And I was like,"Super-easy.
"To un-send an email,all you do
"is live in 1994when we're all in dial-up
"and that was evena remote possibility.
Why do you want toun-send an email?"
And she's like,"Oh, God.
"So today, I get an emailfrom our dying lady
"next door, and she's like,'Hey, keep an eye on the people
"'that live behind you,'cause they're doing
"'some work on yourretaining wall
and it might affectthe slope of your backyard.'"
"So," my wife is saying,"I forwarded that to you
with a note that said,'See?'"
And I am quoting my wifedirectly now.
"This proves that it wasthat know-it-all [bleep]...
who turned us in for havingan over-height fence."
And I was like, "Baby, I didn'tget an email from you."
And she was like,"I know,
because instead of hitting'forward,' I hit 'reply.'"
"So what do we do?"
"It's super-easy.All we have to do is move."
And I was like,"The only other thing
we could do is kill her and makeit look like emphysema."
So my wife, she walked next door
and knocked on the doorand apologized face-to-face.
- [whistle]- Yeah.
So I learned that daythat that's what you do.
You take the high road.You apologize...
to someone's face.
I also learnedfrom my wife
that when you do so,it'd be helpful to have
your newborn babyin your arms as you do it.
She was like,"Oh, my God.
"I am so sorry.
"Can you pleasefind it in your heart
"to--oh, did you hear that?
Someone's got the hiccups!"
Thank you, everybody.[cheers and applause]