Monday Morning Meltdown

  • Season 1, Ep 6
  • 11/16/2010

Nick contracts a magical STD, and the Critter Gitters have trouble wrangling a Viagra-fueled bear.

HEY, NICK.

HOW WAS YOUR, UH,DATE THIS WEEKENDWITH THE NEW CHICK?

- HAVE YOU EVER HAD AN S.T.D.?- YEAH, SURE.

YOU MEAN LIKE CRABSOR A COLD SORE OR SOMETHING?

YEAH YEAH, I KNOW.BUT LIKE SOMETHING--

SOMETHING DIFFERENT, DUDE.LIKE SOMETHING WEIRD.

( laughs )LIKE WHAT?

- IS YOUR DICK BLUE OR SOMETHING?- YES.

- WHAT?- BLUE.

AND THERE'S, LIKE,GLOWING STUFF ON IT

- AND, LIKE, PINK HAIRS.- WAIT A MINUTE.

- GLOWING CAN'T BE GOOD.- I KNOW, GARY. LOOK.

- NO, I DON'T WANT--- JUST...

OH MY GOD.

- IT'S BEAUTIFUL.- WHAT?

YOUR PENIS,THE RASH AND THE--

ITS HAIRS ARE WAVINGAT ME AND STUFF.

- OH!- GARY, FOCUS, MAN.

COME ON,THIS IS AWFUL, DUDE.

LOOK AT THE THINGON THE TIP OF MY PENISTHAT LOOKS LIKE AN UMBRELLA.

- YEAH.- WATCH WHEN I TOUCH IT.

IT JUST SUCKSRIGHT BACK IN.WATCH.

( squishes )

WAH!

I'M FREAKIN' OUT, GARY.

HEY, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS

WHEN YOU BANGTHE STRANGE, MAN.

DID YOU TALKTO HER ABOUT IT?

NO, I HAVEN'TEVEN SEEN HER YET.I JUST GOT TO WORK.

- SHH.- HEY, GUYS.

HEY, NICK.

HEY, PADMAWAI.

GO.

UH, PADMAWAI?

- HI.- HI.

- THAT WAS FUN LAST NIGHT.- YEAH.

WOW, I WAS REALLY BUZZED.

RED WINE TOTALLYGETS ME WASTED.

HEH, YEAH,I WAS PRETTY DRUNK.

HEY, UH, HOW AREYOU FEELING?

- FINE. WHY?- NO, I MEAN LIKE--

LIKE, DOWNSTAIRS.LIKE...

- DOWN THERE?- YEAH.

OH...OH, I'M SO SORRY.

IT'S BEEN HAPPENINGEVER SINCE I 69'D

UNDER THE TREE OF SOULSBACK ON PANDORA.

HEY, PADMAWAI.

NICE, UH, BLUEAND THE SHADES OFTURQUOISE IN THERE--

- GARY, GARY, NOT NOW.- LOVELY...

HEY, DID YOU LOCK YOUR HAIRWITH THE PINK HAIR?

- NO.- OKAY, GOOD. DON'T...

UNLESS YOU WANTMY ANCESTORS TOWHISPER TO YOU.

WHAT? NO, I DON'T WANTWHISPERS OR SOULS ON MY DICK.

I WANT IT TO GO AWAY.THAT'S WHAT I WANT.

WELL, GIVE IT A WEEKAND YOU'LL BE FINE.

YOU'LL KNOWWHEN IT'S ENDING--

WHEN YOUR PENISSTARTS SCREAMING.

I'M REALLY SORRY.GOD.

GREAT, I'M GONNAHAVE AN UMBRELLA

ON MY PENISFOR A WEEK.

WELL, AT LEAST YOUR BALLSWILL STAY DRY.

LET ME GUESS--PADMAWAI?

GREAT, WE'RE GONNAHAVE A WHOLE OFFICEFULOF PENIS SCREAMERS.

I'M LARRY!

- ( screeching )- ( men screaming )

- HE'S GOT YOUR NUTS.- HE'S EATIN' MY PUBES.

AND I'M SKEET.

Both: AND WE'RE CRITTER GITTERS.

Skeet: GO ON, GET!

- COME ON, MAN.- LET'S GO.

- HI.- WE'RE FROM CRITTER GITTERS.

- YOU CALLED US, RIGHT?- YES, I DID.

I HOPE YOU CAN HELP.A LARGE BEAR BROKEINTO MY BASEMENT.

THAT'S QUITE COMMONTHIS TIME OF YEAR.

BEFORE BEARS HIBERNATE,THEY LOOK FOR EXTRA FOOD.

OKAY. WELL, YOU'RE NOTGONNA KILL HIM, ARE YOU?

NO, THAT'S NOT NECESSARY.

WE'RE JUST GONNA BLOWTHIS WHISTLE, SCARE IT OUT.

OKAY.THAT'S GONNA WORK?

OH YEAH, LOUD NOISESFREAK A BEAR OUT.

- TRUST US.- OKAY.

BEARS ARE MOST AGGRESSIVEDURING MATING SEASON.

OH, I SHOULDPROBABLY TELL YOU

THAT RIGHT BEFORE YOU GOT HERE,

THE BEAR BROKE INTOOUR MEDICINE CABINET

AND ATE AN ENTIREBOTTLE OF VIAGRA.

- HE DID WHAT?- ( bear snarling )

- WHAT'D SHE SAY?- OH, NOTHING.

Skeet: WHY ARE YOU GUYS SCARED?

- I THINK HE'S GONE.- ( roars )

- OH OH!- AHH!

- OW!- THE MATING PROCESS

OF THE BLACK BEAR STARTSWITH PLAYFUL WRESTLING.

- ( fabric tearing )- Skeet: HE RIPPED MY UNDERWEAR!

AND THEN QUICKLY MOVESTO RUTTIN'.

( whistle trilling )

OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH!

( growling )

OH... OH, PLEASE TELL METHAT HE DIDN'T...

( squishing )

...PENETRATE.

I'VE GOT MY WHISTLE,SO I'M GONNA NEED THAT POT

AND I'M GONNA NEEDTHIS BUCKET.

OKAY? I'M GONNAGET HIM OUTTA HERE.

- Woman: OKAY.- Larry: TOTALLY FINE.

GO PLAY THAT BEARA TUNE.

SCARE THAT BEAR.GIVE HIM A LITTLE SHAKE.

LOOK. SEE?HE'S GONE.

THAT BEAR WON'T BOTHER YOU NO MORE.

- EVERYTHING'S--- ( roars )

- AHH!- OH OH!

- HE AIN'T GONE.- SEE?

THERE'S THATPLAYFUL WRESTLING

- I WAS TALKING ABOUT.- OW!

HE WANTS HIS -- TO HIBERNATE IN MY BOOTY HOLE.

- NOW BACK TO RUTTIN'.- Skeet: HELP!

- OW OW!- THEY SAY THAT IN A BEAR ATTACK

YOU SHOULD PLAY DEAD.

- MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY THAT.- WHAT?

- PLAY DEAD.- PLAY DEAD?

THAT DOESN'T SEEMTO BE WORKING.

START FIGHTIN' AGAIN.

( grunting )

- HELP ME!- ( bear growling )

FIGHT THAT BEAR, SKEET.

CHECK OUT MY NEWZIPPO APP.

DAMN, SON.THAT'S APPY GILMORE.

GAY ROBOT,THAT IS AWESOME.

HEY, I GOT A NEW APP.

- IT'S CALLED OFFENDER LOCATOR.- WHAT'S THAT?

EVERY DOT HERE REPRESENTSA CONVICTED SEX OFFENDER

AND THEIR CURRENT ADDRESS.

LOOK, THERE'S A CHILD MOLESTERLIVING RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER

AT 550 MAIN STREET.

THAT'S TERRIBLE.

( "Row Row Row Your Boat" playing )

HMM, 550 MAIN STREET.

( music echoes )

( alarm beeping )

I'M JUST SO TIREDFROM HOPSCOTCH.

- I NEED TO SHOWER.- OH, REALLY?

AND THE FLAVOR HAS GONEFROM THIS LOLLIPOP.

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSEFOR ME TO SUCK ON?

- ( alarm beeping )- COME ON, COME ON.

YOU CAN'T TOUCH KIDS.

WHAT THE --?

( screaming )

WHAT HAVE YOU DONETO MY HUSBAND?

HE'S A CHILD MOLESTER.

NO, HE'S NOT.

THAT CREEP MOVED OUTOF THE NEIGHBORHOODTWO MONTHS AGO.

THERE YOU GO,LITTLE LADY.

YOU SAVED ME FROM THATBURNING BUILDING, SUPERMAN.

HOW CAN I EVERREPAY YOU?

ALL IN A DAY'S WORK.

OH, WELL, CAN I AT LEASTBAKE YOU SOME COOKIES?

( laughs )NOT NECESSARY.

IT'S AN HONOR TO SERVETHIS GREAT CITY OF METROPOLIS.

SURELY THERE'S SOMETHINGI CAN DO FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT?THERE IS.

I HAVE A FRIENDCOMING INTO TOWN.

HE COULD USEA PLACE TO CRASH.

OH, ACTUALLYMY APARTMENT'SPRETTY SMALL.

OH, THAT'S FINE.HE DOESN'T MIND

AS LONG AS THERE'S A TUBFOR HIM TO SOAK IN.

OH, IS YOUR FRIENDAQUAMAN BY ANY CHANCE?

NO, IT'S NOT.IT'S MY FRIEND REGGIE.

HE JUST GOT OUT OF REHABFOR HEROIN.

YOU'LL ALSO NEED TO REGGIE-PROOF YOUR APARTMENT--

YOU KNOW,HIDING PHARMACEUTICALS,ELECTRONICS, JEWELRY.

LOCK YOUR DOORWHILE YOU'RE SLEEPING

BECAUSE HE'LL PROBABLYATTACK YOU.

YEAH, MY APARTMENT'SREALLY SMALL

AND I'M NOT SUPPOSEDTO HAVE GUESTS, SO...

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSEI CAN DO TO PAY YOU BACK?

YOU KNOW WHAT?THERE IS.

I'VE GOTTA GET RIDOF THESE STUPIDRAFFLE TICKETS

FOR THIS FUNDRAISERAT THE JUSTICE LEAGUEOF AMERICA DINNER.

YOU CAN JUST SELL THE TICKETS

AND THEN WE'LL CALL IT EVENFOR ME SAVING YOURLIFE AND ALL.

I REALLY WOULDN'T EVENKNOW WHERE TO BEGIN.

WELL, THEN YOU KNOW WHAT?I MADE A LIST RIGHT HERE.

- OH, GREAT.- YOU ONLY HAVE TO SELL ABOUT 50 TICKETS.

ALL THE INFORMATIONIS RIGHT HERE.

BUT LOOK,THERE'S A SCRIPTON THE BACK.

GIVE 'EM A RING,READ THIS, YOU'RE GOLD.

YEAH, I DON'T KNOW.I HAVE A BUSY WEEK,SO I'M--

YOU KNOW WHAT?THANK YOU SO MUCHFOR HELPING OUT.

IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOUTHAT MAKE IT AN HONOR

TO SERVE THISGREAT CITY OF OURS.

SO I DON'T WANNAKEEP YOU WAITING.

YOU'VE GOT A LOTOF PHONE CALLS TO MAKE.

YOU REALLY ARE A GEM.BLESS YOUR HEART.

SO THAT'S HOW YOU WINTHE AWARD EVERY YEAR

FOR MOST TICKETS SOLD.

YES, AND THIS YEAR I'M GONNAWIN THE GRAND PRIZE, BATMAN.

DAMN IT.

I REALLY WANTEDTHAT DIRT BIKE, MAN.

WE ALL WANTTHE DIRT BIKE.

BETTER LUCKNEXT YEAR, FRIEND.

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