Wednesday, February 24, 2016

  • 02/24/2016

Alison Brie, Katy Colloton and Katie O'Brien of the series "Teachers" sell memorabilia from viral videos, come up with #GOPMovies and ask horrible red carpet questions.

And now it is time to begin.

Ripped from the Internetheadlines, it's Rapid Refresh.

There's the graphic for that.

-(applause and cheering)-Yeah.

Here's a list of today'shot takes from America online.

Now with 70 free hours.

First up,Bobble Head James Simpson.

For the past several weeks, The People v. O.J. Simpson

has been America'sfavorite guilty pleasure.

Although, I'm surethere are 12 dip(bleep)

who would somehow find ita not guilty pleasure.

-Uh...-(laughter and groaning)

But what... Oh!

-Oh, I see...-Oh. Oh.

I see what you have done.

Uh, one man who's not impressedis memorabilia thief

O Juice Simpson, uh,

who is upset that Cuba Gooding,Jr. is playing him,

because of, quote,"Cuba's head it is too small."

(laughter and groaning)

So, comedians, what are someof O.J.'s criticisms

of other popular TV shows?

-Katie. -Oh. O.J. does not like The Walking Dead

because something about deadpeople coming back to get you

just kind of, like, upsets him.

-HARDWICK: Doesn't like that.Points. -(laughter)

-(applause and cheering)-Points.

Alison Brie.

O.J. hates Keeping Up with the Kardashians

because they got richoff his murder,

and, also,Khloe is his daughter.

-HARDWICK: Yeah. Points.-(laughter)

Points.

(applause and cheering)

On to our next topic--I, Atlas. I, Atlas.

-Uh-oh. -Boston Dynamicsis a company

known for their amazing, yet,thoroughly terrifying robots.

If you haven't seen their videosonline, they're so creepy.

And wonderful at the same time.

A video of their new Atlas modelwent viral today.

Here it is in action.

HARDWICK:Oh... (muttering)

-Oh. Oh, my God.-Oh!

-Oh!-HARDWICK: All right, come back.

-Don't let him out!Don't let him out! -Whoa! -Whoa!

This robot is ripped.

That is whatChanning Tatum looks like

-if you peel all his skin off.Uh... -(laughter)

They showcase the durabilityof this new robot

in a rather disturbing way.What was it?

Subjecting itto Chinese water torture,

or subjecting itto Canadian bullying?

-Alison. -Canadian bullyingbecause Canadians are the worst.

-(laughter)-It's too nice.

-Too nice of a bully.-Watch this. Watch this.

(laughter, applause)

-Oh. -HARDWICK (with Canadianaccent): Oh, hey.

Oh, you're tryingto move that back, eh, huh?

-Oh, eh?-HARDWICK: Oh. Oh.

(laughter and groaning)

-Whoa. Eh.-(applause and cheering)

-Eh. Eh.-Oh!

Do not feel badfor this robot, though.

He was able to get up, um, andthen he (bleep) that guy's wife.

-So it's all fine.-Wow. Great.

It's all fine.

-Good for him. Good for him.-Yeah.

-Mazel. Mazel tov. -Yeah.-(applause)

On to our next topic--Damn, Daniel.

This week, the Internet was...

Oh, you already know.Oh, good.

Well, you know,like, these people,

the Internet was obsessedwith two white shoes

and two little wordsin this viral sensation.

MAN:Damn, Daniel!

Damn... Daniel!

Damn, Daniel. Back at it againwith the white Vans.

HARDWICK:Yeah.

So, yeah, yeah, that's it.

(laughter)

In case you don't understand,this guy is basically...

he's making funof his friend's shoes.

It's an inside jokewith 500 million participants

who won't shut up about it.

The Damn Daniel duowas everywhere this week

from Ellen to eBay where peopleare bidding up to $400,000

to buy knockoff Daniel's Vans.

-I know. 84 bids.-Um, why, though?

All right, meanwhile,on vans.com,

uh, 45 bucks,45 bucks right there.

-Oh.-(laughter)

-Those are some cool shoes.-They're pretty...

Although I'm disturbedby the name "True White"!

That feels creepyfor some reason.

-That's Trump's Web site.-Yeah. -(laughter)

-(applause)-Uh... that's the shoes...

-No, don't.-Yeah.

Comedians, what are some otherviral Internet memorabilia

you can buy on eBay?

-Alison Brie. -The tarpfrom "Two Girls, One Cup."

-HARDWICK: Yeah.-(laughter)

(applause)

BRIE: I may...I may not personally buy it.

-No, no, no, of course not.-But I just-- I would bid on it.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.-Like, a few times.

Just for fun.All right. Katy O'Brien.

Date night with Slenderman!

-HARDWICK: Yes.-(whooping, whistling, applause)

It's now timefor the #HashtagWars!

(cheering, applause)

The dystopian reality show thatis the presidential primaries

continues tomorrow nightwith the GOP debate in Houston.

It's kind of like we're livingin the prequel to Mad Max.

That's why Immortan Joefrom Fury Road

looks like Donald Trumpwith his hair grown out.

(laughter)

So in honor of politicsbecoming entertainment,

tonight's hashtag is #GOPMovies!

Exam... There it is.

-Oh... Examples...-Ooh.

(laughter)

-(applause)-Yeah.

Koch Brother, Where Art Thou?

Uh, I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin!

-Katy. -Night of the Living Jeb.

Yes. Points.

-Alison. -Let the White One In.

-Points.-(laughter)

-Katy O'Brien. -Honey, I Carried the Kids to Term.

-Points.-(laughter, groans)

-Katy. -Don't Tell Mom Antonin Scalia's Dead.

-Points.-(laughter)

-Katy O'Brien. -ISIS-ter Act.

Points! Oh, very well done! Yes.

-Katy. -The Dark Knight Deported.

-All right. Points.-(laughter)

-Katy O'Brien. -You've Got White Privilege.

Points. Alison Brie.

Harry Potter and the Jew-Run Media.

-Points.-(laughter)

(applause)

-Katy. -White Men Can't Jump

So They Compensate by Oppressing Minorities.

-All right. Points. We do.-(laughter)

It's time to playwikiHow in the Hell.

-wikiHow is...-(cheering)

Oh... you'venever heard this game.

wikiHow isa Web site you can visit

to learn how to do thingsyou're too embarrassed

to ask a real person about.

For some reason, though,all their illustrations

look like they were madeby a madman

with a vague understandingof life on planet Earth.

So, comedians,I'm gonna show you

some of this wacky wikiHow art,and for 250 points,

I would like you to tell mewhat "how to"

it looks like it's from,all right?

First up, first up,this boxy buddy.

What's that from? Katy.

Uh, how to return the demonyou bought from Best Buy.

-Yeah. Points.-(laughter)

It came to life.

I don't know,is it supposed to...?

-Where's the Geek Squad?-(applause)

I don't get how--I don't get how it works.

-Alison Brie.-How to force your TV

to clean upafter you masturbate.

(laughter, groans, applause)

BRIE:That's right, that's right.

COLLOTON:Mm-hmm.

HARDWICK:Force...

This is your fault, television!

-BRIE: Do it now!-You clean this up!

Cover me.

I'll never tell.

(laughter)

All right, next up,this somber fella,

this somber fella.

-Alison Brie.-How to cure baldness

by summoning Satanto the earth realm.

-Yes. Points. Uh-huh.-(laughter, applause)

Yep.

Katy O'Brien.

How to die not surroundedby loved ones.

-Yeah!-(laughter)

(applause)

-Points.-I want to be alone,

I want to be alonewhen it happens,

and don't look at me.

-Don't look at me.-I just thought Mr. Clean

was getting a vasectomy--that's what I thought that was.

-Just casual.-Under a beautiful sunset.

HARDWICK:Yeah!

I like how,when he gets a vasectomy,

he's like, "Yeah! Yeah!

-Yeah!-Tie it off!"

(laughter)

-Cut it and stuff it!-Yeah!

Yeah! Choop-choop.I'm a doctor.

-HARDWICK: I mean...-(laughter)

All right. Next up,this mischievous pair.

(laughter, groans)

(laughing):What the (bleep)?

Katy.

I'm gonna go with--how to get murdered

by a strong, independent woman.

-(laughter, applause)-Points. Points.

COLLOTON:Yeah! Yeah!

(whooping)

-Yeah.-That dude is up to no good.

Alison.

How to take a covert (bleep)next to a car.

-(laughter)-Points.

-No one'll notice.-So incon... so inconspicuous.

No one will recognize me now.

No one's gonna look over here,and if they do, it's hilarious!

(laughter)

Look! He's pulling all thoseKleenexes out of his butt.

Next up, this ghostly fellow.

Alison Brie.

How to know you're poor.

Points.

Uh... Uh...

-HARDWICK: Eh...-It's his life.

-I mean, yeah.-It's his costume.

Even he... couldn't even affordthe scissors to cut out.

-He had to draw on the... Yeah.-He couldn't even...

-Uh, Katie O'Brien.-Couldn't afford eyes.

How to use a gift cardat Big Lots?

Points. Katie.

How to blend inon a Syfy original movie.

Yes, points.Absolutely.

Next up, thisbefore and after picture.

Katie.

Uh, how to get Anderson Cooperto pick a paint swatch.

Oh. Oh.

That's so remarkably specific.

-So specific.-So specific.

And finally,this encounter with nature.

(bell dings)

Alison.

How to brag to your dogabout how you go to school.

Yeah.

-Yeah, dude. See this?-You can't go to school.

-See all this I got?-Yeah.

-For school.-Points.

Katie O'Brien.

How to kill and eata backpacker.

Yes, points.

-This is from the Wolf Wiki.-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Before the break, I told you

about a schoolboy-porn starroommate situation

that soundedsuspiciously like a TV show

and then asked what we canlook forward to

on next week's episode.Let's see what you came up with.

Katie, let's start with you.

Tune in to next week's Statutory Cory

to watch Coryhave a sexual experience

that makes future long-termrelationships impossible.

That's absolutely what...a very special episode.

-Very, very special.-It's a very special episode.

Very true to life.

Katie O'Brien.

Tune in next weekfor another episode

of To Catch a Hot Russian Predator.

Yeah. All right.

Alison Brie.

Coming up next week on

Wait A Second, Russia Hates Gay People But Is Cool With This?,

Dad falls for his son'sporn star.

Is blood thicker than jizz?

Uh, it's time for our next game,Worst Red Carpet Questions.

Worst Red CarpetQuestions.

(charactery voice): The 88thAcademy Awards are this weekend,

and they're super important.

-Uh, we're gonna...-(laughter)

Everyone's very seriousat the 88th Academy Awards,

the most important thing goingon in the world this weekend.

Find out which whitewill walk away

with a golden power trinket.

The 88th Academy Awards!

Very, very fancy. But beforeHollywood's hungriest enter

the theater, they first haveto deal with the red carpet--

which, for the record,does not match the drapes--

where they will faceuncomfortable questions

in their uncomfortableevening attire

from uncomfortable-lookingreporters.

But we can make the Oscarsmore awkward,

so I would like you to give methe worst red carpet questions

you can think of in 60 seconds.And begin. Katy.

Who are you?

Yeah, points.

I-I get that a lot.Points. Uh, Katie.

Has fame filled the void?

The answer to that is no.Uh, Alison.

Will you give your agentmy script

for Paul Blart 3, Fart Detective?

Oh, wait a minute!

-There's yet to... -Why wasn't Paul Blart 2 Fart Detective?!

It was bound to be a trilogy!

-I would've watched that.-We've all been waiting!

Points. Uh, Katie O'Brien.

Who's wearing you?

Yes, points. Points.Alison Brie.

What's Macaulay Culkinreally like?

Yeah, points. Katie O'Brien.

Where does your dick fallon a scale of Shia LaBeouf

-to Jon Hamm?-Points.

-Ali. -Hey, uh,are those things the same size?

Like, I'm thinkin' this one'sa little bigger than that one.

-What you think? You-you agree?-Points.

-Katy. -Uh, what's your backupplan if acting doesn't work out?

All right, points.Katie O'Brien.

Do you have a date tonightor will you die alone?

-All right, points.-Um...

Like a bald man in a hospital,

staring at a sunset. Katy.

Has your facealways looked like that?

Yes, points. Perfect.