Wednesday, June 15, 2016

  • 06/15/2016

Matt Walsh, Paget Brewster and Paul F. Tompkins speculate about a recent Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders meeting, sing #DadSongs and describe unusual online portraits.

The Democratic NationalConvention

is at the end of next month,which means

Hillary Clinton is running outof time to accomplish

two important goals.Number one--

find an outfitthat doesn't make her look

like Gary Oldman's characterfrom The Fifth Element.

-(laughter)-BREWSTER: Aw.

-And...-(applause)

Number two--

win ancient snow crabBernie Sanders over to her side.

That's why the two of themgot together on Tuesday

to learn what it would taketo get his endorsement.

Here he is trying

to get more packets of creamerfor his coffee.

This is all a very private,casual affair.

Hillary ordered a pint of beer,

and Bernie ordered his favoritecocktail-- Gas-X on a Beach.

But hopefully, they sort ofcame to an agreement?

Such as... (as Bernie):"I'll endorse Hillary

"if she promisesa $15 minimum wage, or

"I'll endorse Hillary ifshe brings me a elixir of life

that allows meto live through the convention."

So comedians, what aresome other possible concessions

that came out of their secretTuesday meeting?

-Paul F. -Hillary agreesto attend Hamilton

and describe it to Bernie.

(laughter and groaning)

-Points. Points. Paget.-BREWSTER: Oh!

Hillary and Berniewill part brokenhearted,

but they will agreeto meet a year later

at the topof the Empire State Building.

-(laughter, applause)-You're a gentleman.

Just a game.

-It's time for our Hashtag Wars.-(applause and cheering)

(cheering, whooping)

Well...

Well, I'm glad...Thank you.

You know, I appreciate it whenyou appreciate these things.

We work hard on this (bleep).

-(cheering, applause)-Fire up those...

All right, all right, I get it.

Uh, fire up those grillsand daddy issues,

'cause this Sundayis Father's Day.

But it's not enoughto just buy an embarrassing tie

or some golf-relatedbull (bleep).

This is the man who carried youon his shoulders,

uh, pulled your finger, taughtyou jokes that can be bad.

Please make sureto go the extra mile this year

and tell him how you feel

the only way he'll understand--with song.

That is why tonight's hashtagis #DadSongs.

Examples might be, uh...

(to "I Will Always Love You"):♪ And I...

♪ Will always

♪ Love go-hoo-hoo-olf...

-Uh... and...-(whooping, applause)

BREWSTER:Yeah.

And also,bitch better have my khakis.

-(laughter)-All right, in 60 seconds...

and begin.Matt Walsh.

"I Fought the Lawnand the Lawn Won."

Yes, points. Very good.

-Paget.-"Psycho Griller."

Points. Matt.

-"Stairway to Hooters."-Points.

-Paul F.-"My Neck, My Back,

My Bald Spot and My Hernia."

-Points.-(laughter)

-Matt Walsh.-"Propane in the Membrane."

-Points!-(laughter, whooping, applause)

Paul F. Tompkins.

(to "Every Breath You Take"):♪ I was watching that.

-(laughter)-Points. Paget.

♪ You can't always eatwhat you want. ♪

Yeah, points.

♪ And I am telling you...

jokes youwill roll your eyes at.

-Yes, points. Very good.-(laughter)

-Paget.-♪ Stand by your van.

Yeah, points. Very good.

Uh, Paul F. Tompkins.

"I'm All About That Bass,You Need to Turn It Down,

"I Could Hear It Two Houses Away

Before I pulledinto the Driveway."

-All right, points. Perfect.-(laughter)

Looking for an interestingFacebook profile picture,

but you don't want to travelall the way to Italy

just to get a selfiewith some old statue's old dick?

Well, just go online tocommission an original portrait.

You just upload a photo,and redditors

will draw a picture of youor your dog

or the person you're stalking.

So, comedians, I'm gonna showyou an Internet source portrait

and user-submitted picture,and for 250 points,

I want you to tell me howthe subject asked to be drawn.

Uh, and please do itin the classic Titanic

Draw Me Like One of YourFrench Girls style, please.

-I'm begging you. All right.-Who said it,

-the girl or the guy?-It was the girl. Kate Winslet.

What's her name.What's her name. Sorry.

-HARDWICK: Yeah. Uh...-Kind of a popular movie, Matt.

-I mean, a lot of people...-I don't know who said it.

-Give it a watch sometime.-You know, acting like

you never saw Titanic a bunch of times

-doesn't make you any cooleror... -(laughter)

-manlier or... -I love that...I loved that movie!

-I know you did. Yeah, yeah.-I love that movie!

Yeah. Uh...

I'm still so (bleep) mad thatold lady threw the (bleep) thing

into the oceanat the end, though.

-(laughter)-That didn't have to happen!

Like, that wasa piece of history!

It could have gonein a museum or...

I (bleep)...Aw, man!

I wish Indiana Joneswould've just, like,

caught her on the wristwith a whip

-and just, like, yanked it up.-Ooh!

-Is that gonna be the nextIndiana Jones movie? -I wish.

(laughing):That's all it's gonna be.

He visits the Titanic.

-(as Rose): Good-bye, Jack!-(imitates whip cracking)

(as Indiana Jones):It belongs in a museum!

-(laughter)-That would've been amazing!

Would've have been(bleep) amazing.

-(whooping, applause)-And then...

she's like, "It's beautiful!"

Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah...And just melts.

That's what I want to see.Get on it, Hollywood.

First up, this fuzzy-faced dude.

(laughs):This fuzzy-faced dude.

What request did he make?

Paul.

Draw me likeone of your were-pineapples

in mid-transformation.

(laughter)

Uh, Matt.

Draw me like a Sasquatchwho makes his own craft beer.

-(laughter)-Points. Points.

(applause, whooping)

Next, an open-mouthed girlin wonder.

(audience groans)

Uh...

what did she promptthe artist for there?

Uh, Matt?

Draw me like one of yourfailed human rodent experiments.

-(laughter)-All right. Points.

Uh... Paget.

Uh, draw me likeI'm about to give you

a really painful blowjob.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, there'sa lot of teeth in that one.

-(groaning)-There is a lot of gnawing...

Uh, Paul F. Tompkins.

Can I deviatefrom the form a little bit?

-Is that okay?-Please. Yeah.

Look... I'm notgonna get nude for you.

But work my vaginain there someplace.

(laughter)

(applause, whooping)

(man whistles)

Oh, wow, a whistle!

Like... like Georgia O'Keeffethis thing.

(laughter)

Next...

Next up, this disappointed dude.

-Aw.-(others aw'ing)

I know. What'd he ask for?What'd he ask for?

Uh, Paget.

Just... (bleep) my (bleep)all the way up.

(laughter, applause)

-(audience whooping)-Yeah.

Your (bleep) has beensuitably (bleep).