Thursday, January 9, 2014

  • 01/09/2014

Kurt Braunohler, Kristen Schaal and Mike Lawrence browse unorthodox YouTube workout videos, create Chinese video game titles and try to make Chris cringe.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET

HEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THE FIRST COMEDIAN TO BUZZ IN

WITH THE CORRECT ANSWER GETS 100POINTS.

IT'S ONE WEEK INTO 2014, WHICHMEANS CALENDARS ARE OFFICIALLY

ON CLEARANCE-- WHICH OF THEFOLLOWING CALENDAR CONCEPTS DID

SOMEONE ACTUALLY ATTEMPT TO FUNDON KICKSTARTER?

IS IT A) CATS CHEWING LINGERIEB) LADIES OF THE ARAB SPRING

OR C) A KANYE WEST PUG CALENDAR?

KURT BRAUNOHLER?

>> LADIES OF THE ARAB SPRING.

>> Chris: NO.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS THE KANYEWEST PUG CALENDAR, A CALENDAR

FULL OF KANYE WEST HANGING OUTWITH PUGS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HOMEWARD BOUND II.

>> Chris: OH, MY GOD, POINTS,MIKE LAWRENCE.

MOVING ON.

THIS NEXT ONE WAS PAINTED BYMARCEY HAWK, AN ABSTRACT ARTIST

FROM SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA WHOSELLS HER WORK ON ETSY.

WHAT MAKES THESE PAINTINGS SOSPECIAL?

A) SHE GETS HER PIGMENT FROMCRUSHED UP PLACENTA.

YEAH, JUST FEEL THAT FOR ASECOND.

B) SHE ONLY PAINTS WHILE ONAMBIEN.

C) SHE PAINTS WITH HER BOOBS.

MIKE LAWRENCE?

>> I'M GOING TO GO WITH C BUT IBET WHOEVER BOUGHT THAT IS GOING

TO REGRETSY IT.

>> Chris: NICE!

WELL, YOU'RE DEFINITELY GOING TOGET POINTS WHEN YOU'RE RIGHT OR

NOT.

YOU HAPPEN TO BE RIGHT.

YES, SHE DOES PAINT WITH HERBOOBS.

HERE'S HER PAGE.

THIS ONE IS ENTITLED "MOTORBOAT".

(LAUGHTER)IT IS NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG WARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)IN HONOR OF SUNDAY NIGHT'S

GOLDEN GLOBES, WHICH IS LIKE THEOSCARS, BUT WITH AN OPEN BAR,

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS LESSERAWARD SHOWS.

LESSER AWARD SHOWS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: THE TODDLER'SCHOICE AWARDS, OR THE SAGGIES,

OR THE PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OFCHINA NO CHOICE AWARDS.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK.

STARTING NOW.

YES, KURT BRAUNOHLER.

>> GOLDEN SHOWER GLOBES.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

MIKE LAWRENCE?

>> THE SOPHIE'S CHOICE AWARDS.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: WHERE THERE ARE NO

WINNERS.

POINTS.

YES, KURT BRAUNOHLER.

>> SAAG PANEER AWARDS.

>> Chris: NICE, INDIAN FOOD.

WELL DONE, POINTS.

YES, KRISTEN SCHAAL?

>> YOUR MOM LOVES IT AWARDS?

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: YOU JUST MADE SOME GUY

GASP IN THE BACKGROUND.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

SIR, YOU HAVE A WEAKCONSTITUTION.

POINTS.

NEXT ONE, KURT?

>> POLICE ACADEMY AWARDS.

>> Chris: FOR ANY OF THE "POLICEACADEMY" FILMS?

>> YES.

>> Chris: GOOD, THAT'S WHAT IWAS HOPING FOR, POINTS.

MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> THE CHRIS BROWN PEACE PRIZE.

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: AS IN WHICH PIECE OFYOUR FACE DO YOU HAVE TO PICK UP

OFF THE GROUND AWARD?

POINTS.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY WORK IT OUT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)IT'S THE NEW YEAR, AND LOTS OF

PEOPLE ARE USING THAT ASMOTIVATION TO GET FIT AND START

WORKING OUT.

BUT IT IS WAY EASIER AND MUCHMORE FUN TO JUST WATCH WEIRD AND

UNSETTLING WORKOUT VIDEOS ONYOUTUBE.

SO COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOWYOU A FEW SECONDS OF A REAL

EXERCISE VIDEO, YOU HAVE TO NAMETHE EXERCISE.

IF IT'S FUNNY YOU GET 250POINTS, ALL RIGHT?

HERE IS THE FIRST ONE.

>> SQUEEZE YOUR ABS.

(MANIACAL LAUGHTER)TWO.

(MANIACAL LAUGHTER)>> Chris: MIKE LAWRENCE?

>> THE GOVERNMENT WHEN I TRYLOGGING ON TO THE OBAMACARE

WEBSITE.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: VERY POLITICAL.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL GIVE YOU POINTSFOR THAT.

NEXT ONE, BREATHING FACESTRETCHING LADY.

(LAUGHTER)>> DEAD MAN'S B.J.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS.

>> THAT'S REALLY ACCURATE.

>> Chris: HERE'S THIS NEXT ONE.

♪ (LAUGHTER)

MIKE LAWRENCE?

>> OVER THE COUNTER THUGS.

IT IS TIME FOR OUR NEXT ROUND OFPHOTOBOMBS: CREEPY OR CUTE?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU GUYS

A PHOTOBOMBED PICTURE THAT HASGONE VIRAL, AND FOR 250 POINTS,

YOU HAVE TO TELL ME IF IT WASPHOTOBOMBED BY SOMETHING CREEPY

OR SOMETHING CUTE.

ALL RIGHT?

HERE'S THE FIRST ONE.

LOOK AS THIS YOUNG VACATIONER INA VANITY POSE.

JUST HANGING OUT.

WHAT'S BEHIND ME?

CREEPY OR CUTE?

KRISTEN SCHAAL?

>> I'M GOING TO SAY CUTE BECAUSEWHAT A FUN DAY.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

CREEPY!

(LAUGHTER)>> SHE'S DOING THE OLD CLASSIC,

"LOOK, I BIRTHED HER."

>> I THINK THE SOUND SHE'SMAKING IS--

(CACKLES)... BLOOP.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE, NEXT ONE.

LOOK AT THIS HAPPY UNSUSPECTINGCOUPLE.

WHAT COULD BE GOING ON BEHINDTHERE?

THEY LOOK HAPPY.

MAYBE THEY'RE NEWLYWEDS.

KURT?

>> CREEPY.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

MY NIGHTMARE!

>> IT WAS FAR MORE CREEPY THAN IANTICIPATED!

(LAUGHTER)>> I THINK IT'S CUTE!

>> YOU THINK IT'S CUTE?

>> YES.

>> HIDE AND GO SIKH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Chris: POINTS.

>> BRAVO!

MIKE LAWRENCE, BRAVO!

>> Chris: THAT IS WAY MORERESPECTFUL THAN THE SLIGHTLY

RACIST THING I WAS GOING TOSAY-- "WHICH ONE OF YOU RUBBED

THE LAMP?"(LAUGHTER)

>> DEFINITELY RACIST,DEFINITELY RACIST.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, NEXT.

LOOK AT THESE TWO LOVE BIRDS.

AW, THEY'RE ADORABLE.

THE OLD BUILDINGS.

KRISTEN?

>> I'M GOING TO PUT MY MONEY ONCUTE.

LET'S FIND OUT.

OH, NO.

THAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF CUTE.

(LAUGHTER)I CALL THIS PICTURE I JUST

[BLEEP] OUT CIRQUE DU SOLEIL.

>> I CALL IT CARROT TOP GETSOLD.

>> Chris: YEAH, THAT'SHORRIFYING.

NEXT ONE.

LOOK AT THIS CASUAL DINER HERE.

THIS IS WHAT'S HAPPENING--YES, MIKE?

>> I'M GOING TO GO WITH CUTE.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

CREEPY OR CUTE?

CREEPY!

>> THAT CAN'T BE REAL!

THAT CAN'T BE REAL!

(LAUGHTER)>> SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S TRYING

TO FIGHT THE GOONIES.

>> ALL BY HERSELF.

>> "WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOINGTHERE?"

>> Chris: WAIT A SEC.

I JUST LOOKED AT IT.

RING, RING-- SEVEN DAYS!

(LAUGHTER)DAMN IT.

>> THAT'S NOT A PHOTOBOMBING.

THEY'RE OBVIOUSLY TAKING HERPICTURE BECAUSE THEY SEE THAT

SHE'S CREEPY.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: YEAH, THEY ARE.

SHE'S MAKING THE FACELIKE LOOK AT WHAT IS GOING ON

BACK HERE AND THIS WOMAN ISLIKE, "GODDAMMIT, AGAIN?"

(LAUGHTER)>> "WHO HAS DISTURBED MY

SLUMBER?">> YOU GET ALL DRESSED UP FOR A

NICE MALT AND EVERYBODY ISTAKING PICTURES OF YOU.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: GODDAMMIT NOW WE'RE

ALL GOING TO BE HAUNTED BY THATWOMAN.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I TOLD YOUTHAT CHINA IS LIFTING A 14-YEAR

BAN ON SELLING VIDEO GAMECONSOLES, WHICH IS KIND OF

(BLEEP) BECAUSE THAT MEANS THEYDIDN'T GET TO ENJOY THE PRODUCTS

THEY WERE PROBABLY BEING FORCEDTO MAKE.

AND I ASKED YOU GUYS TO TELLME THE NAME OF THE FIRST

VIDEO GAME RELEASED IN CHINA,WHAT SHOULD IT BE CALLED?

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU SAID.

KURT BRAUNOHLER?

>> GRAND THEFT HUMAN RIGHTS.

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: IT'S FUNNY BECAUSEIT'S HORRIBLE.

KRISTEN SCHAAL?

>> LEFT 4 DEAD: BABY GIRLSOULS EDITION.

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> I LIKE PLAYING THAT ON WII.

>> Chris: IT'S THE SWEET AGATHACHRISTIE DRESS MAKES IT ALL SO

CHARMING.

>> OH, IT'S JUST A BLOUSE.

>> Chris: WHAT IS HAPPENINGRIGHT NOW?

YOUR LEGS ARE GREEN.

>> I'M DISTURBED BY THE CLEAVAGEWINDOW.

IT'S UPSETTING TO ME.

SHE'S TRYING TO DISTRACT ME SO ILOSE.

>> IT'S NOT WORKING.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)MIKE LAWRENCE?

>> ANG LEE BIRDS.

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> I MEAN TECHNICALLY IT'S NOTRACIST.

TECHNICALLY NOT RACIST.

>> Chris: I THINK IT ACTUALLYTECHNICALLY IS RACIST.

>> FORGIVENESS, PLEASE.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)>> WAIT, COULD I SAY...

>> I DIDN'T TALK ABOUT DEAD BABYGIRLS!

>> Chris: DON'T TRY TO DEFENDYOUR RACISM BY PAWNING IT OFF

ON KRISTEN SCHAAL AND HER GREENPANTS.

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS A REALLYTOUGH ONE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO-- I THINK IGOT TO JUST GIVE YOU ALL 1,000

POINTS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> YEAH!

>> IT'S LIKE A CHINESE NEW YEAR.

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