Monday, February 2, 2015

  • 02/02/2015

Nick Kroll, Seth Morris and Jon Daly of Kroll Show write sexts as rich, old white men, name outlandish dance moves and make Groundhog Day predictions as Punxsutawney Phil.

RIPPED FROM THE INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

STEVE CROFT, THE ONCE VENERABLE"60 MINUTES" CORRESPONDENT WHO

LOOKS LIKE HARVEY KEITEL'SFOOT'S BUTT, IS IN SOME HOT

WATER OVER SOME VERY RACEY SEXTSTHAT HE SENT TO HIS MISTRESS.

MARRIED MAN CROFT RECENTLYADMITTED KNOCKING THE WING TIPS

WITH A YOUNG MANHATTAN LAWYER,YOUNG BEING RELATIVE -- HE IS

69 YEARS OLD -- OH, 69 YEAR OLD!69.

EVEN THOUGH HE IS OLD HEKNOWS HIS WAY AROUND A

BLACKBERRY, WHATEVER THATIS.

SOME OF THE HARD HITTINGNEWSMAN'S TEXTS INCLUDE VERY

HARD PLAYING GOLF WITH ABULGE IN MY PANTS.

NO IT'S NOT.

COMEDIANS WHAT ARE SOMEOTHER SEXT YOU MIGHT GET

FROM AN OLD RICH WHITE GUY,NICK KROLL.

>> I'MMA ANDY RUINY THAT[BLEEP].

>> THERE IS A LITTLE MORE --

>> RIP.

>> HASHTAG #RIP. HASHTAG#RIPThat[BLEEP].

(APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: DID YOU EVER NOTICEHOW YOUR [BLEEP] GOES RUINED BY

ME?

JON DALY.

>> HI, IT'S ME.

JOHN TRAVOLTA.

PLEASE MEET ME IN A SEXPLANE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR

[BLEEP].

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

IT'S TIME FOR THE HASHTAGWARS.

A LOT OF THE COMMERCIALSFEATURED LAST NIGHT DURING

THE BIG GAME WHICH -- 115MILLION PEOPLE WATCHED --

DECIDED TO GO SENTIMENTAL INTONE, CHOOSING TO TUG OR

PUNCH AT YOUR HEART STRINGSLIKE THE COCA-COLA "MAKE IT

HAPPY."

THE BUDWEISER LOST PUPPY AD.

BUT THERE WAS ONE ADVERTISER WHOCHOSE, FOR SOME REASON, A

DISTURBINGLY DIFFERENTAPPROACH IN THEIR AD.

NATIONWIDE INSURANCE CHOSETO APPEAL TO THE WIDELY

SOUGHT AFTER DEMOGRAPHIC OFDEAD CHILDREN 18 TO 49

MONTHS.

>> I'LL NEVER LEARNED TO FLY.

OR TRAVEL THE WORLD WITH MYBEST FRIEND.

AND I WON'T EVER GET MARRIED.

I COULDN'T GROW UP BECAUSE IDIED FROM AN ACCIDENT.

>> CHRIS: WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?

WHAT?

WHAT -- THANKS FOR THEBUZZKILL.

I FEEL LIKE THEY SHOULD TAKETHE NATIONWIDE JINGLE AND DROP

IT INTO A MINOR KEY TO MATCH THETONE OF THE CAMPAIGN.

NATIONWIDE IS ON YOUR SIDE.

>> CHRIS!

>> CHRIS: YES NICK!

>> YOU STOLE MY MINOR KEY JINGLEJOKE.

>> SO SORRY.

NATIONWIDE MY DAUGHTER DIED.

>> CHRIS: 100 POINTS FOR JONDALY.

>> YOU REALLY DID HAVE AMINOR KEY.

>> CHRIS: SO IN HONOR OF THECOMMERCIAL EVERYONE'S TALKING

ABOUT, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#BecaseIDied.

#BecaseIDied.

SO EXAMPLES -- THIS IS GONNA BEFUN.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE, I'LL NEVERCONTRACT THE MEASLES AT A THEME

PARK.

BECAUSE I DIED.

OR I'LL NEVER HAVE TO WATCHMY MOM TWEET ABOUT HOW HOT

DAN PATRICK IS BECAUSE IDIED.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO!

YES, JON DALY.

>> I'LL NEVER GET TO SEEWHAT THESE VINE STARS DO

WITH THEIR CONSIDERABLETALENT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NICK.

>> THE FUTURE OF HUMANITY ISSAFE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JON.

>> I'LL NEVER GET TO USE THEHASHTAG NO ROBO TO PROVE

THAT I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO AHOT MALE ROBOT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

SETH.

>> I'LL NEVER GET TO HAVESEX WITH A COACHELLA

BATHROOM AND JOIN THE PILED-HIGHCLUB.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NICK.

>> SERIOUSLY, I WAS PLANNINGA SERIES OF STORMS THAT

WOULD ATTACK MOST MAJORCITIES LEADING TO TOTAL

ANARCHY AND CHAOS AMONG ALLHUMANITY.

>> CHRIS: GOOD, POINTS.

JON DALY.

>> I'LL NEVER GET TO SEE JOHNNYDEPP TOP HIS WHIMISICALLY

PLAYFUL TURN AT MORTECAI.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. NICK KROLL.

>> I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO TELL MYFAMILY I NEVER REALLY LOVED

THEM.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

SETH.

>> I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TOBUY CLEAN URINE FROM A KID

SO I CAN PASS MY UPSDRIVER'S TEST.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NOW, IT IS TIME TOPLAY DUNCE LIKE NOBODY'S

WATCHING.

IT'S ALREADY FREBRUARY ANDTHE INTERNET HAS YET TO UNLEASH

A VIRAL DANCE MEME FOR 2015.

I'M TIRED OF HARLEM SHAKE ORGANGNAM STYLE, SO WE SCOURED

THE INTERNET TO FIND THE NEXTBIG THING.

COMEIDANS, WE'RE GONNA SHOW YOUAN INTERNET DANCE, AND FOR 250

POINTS YOU HAVE TO NAME THECRAZY DANCE.

ALL RIGHT.

NOW ON THE MAIN STAGE, PLEASEWELCOME THIS MOVE-AND-SHAKER

AND SHAKER.

SETH MORRIS.

>> TWO VARICOSE FOR COMFORT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

YEAH, I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'SWHAT THAT'S CALLED.

JON.

>> THE NANCY GRACEFUL.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NEXT UP, THESE AWESOME AUSSIES.

>> FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, JUMP. ONE,TWO, THREE, FOUR.

WIPE YOUR NOSE, WIPE YOURNOSE.

JUMP, TWO, THREE, FOUR.

WIPE YOUR NOSE. BOXING KANGAROO!

>> CHRIS: YES, JON.

>> THE DIGERIDONT.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS.

>> [BLEEP] YEAH.

>> CHRIS: NICK KROLL.

>> IN AUSTRALIA, WE DANCETHE OPPOSITE WAY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> CHRIS: AND FINALLY, THISTRAVELING TWERKER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> CHRIS: YES, JON.

>> SOMEONE CALL AAA, I THINKI NEED A CAMEL-TOW.

(LAUGHTER)

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S THE END OFDUNCE LIKE NOBODY'S WATCHING.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,LOCAL NEWSMAKER.

LOCAL NEWSMAKER.

AS WE ALL KNOW LOCAL NEWSROOMSARE OFTEN BIGGER DISTASTERS

THAN THE STORIES THEY'RECOVERING.

AND THERE'S NO ONE WORSE THANTHE GRAPHICS GUY ASLEEP AT THE

WHEEL.

SO I'M GONNA SHOW YOU LOCALNEWSMAKERS AND FOR 250

POINTS, I WANT TO YOU SHOW MEWHAT BIZARRE TITLES THE NEWS

TEAM GAVE THEM.

ALL RIGHT, SO FIRST UP THIS AVIDREAER -- IS RUSSEL KLEINBACH

PRESIDENT: FERRET OWNERSCOALITION OR BRIDE KIDNAPPING

EXPERT.

SETH.

>> IT'S GOT TO BE FERRETS.

>> CHRIS: LET'S FIND OUT.

OF COURSE HE'S A BRIDEKIDNAPPING EXPERT.

LOOK AT HIM!

>> IT'S ALL RIGHT.

>> LOOKS LIKE YOU FERRETED OUTTHE WRONG ANSWER.

>> YEAH.

>> [BLEEP] YOU, JON DALY.

>> [BLEEP] YOU.

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE, THIS BEARDEDMAN. WHAT HAPPENED TO JOE

WINIECKI? WAS HE FIRED OVERCHEST HAIR OR WAS HE FORCED TO

CHANGE HIS SHIRT?

THAT'S BRODY STEVENS.

>> YEAH.

(APPLAUSE)

BRODY, COME HERE, COME HERE.

BRODY --

>> WHERE AM I.

>> CHRIS: THIS IS CLEARLY YOU.

>> WE WENT TO THE SAMEBARBER SHOP IN CHATSWORTH.

GOT IT TIGHT.

>> BY THE WAY, I WOULD LIKE TOPOINT OUT THAT BRODY TRIED

TO INTERVIEW HIS DOPPELGANGER.

>> CHRIS: THAT IS WHAT A GOODNEWSMAN DOES.

>> DO YOU WORK OUT.

>> CHRIS: BRODY, HE'S NOT GOINGTO RESPOND TO YOU.

>> I TAKE A LOT OFSUPPLEMENTS.

>> CHRIS: HE'S NOT GOING TORESPOND.

HE'S JUST A STILL IMAGE THAT ISCLEARLY YOU.

SO THANK YOU, BRODY.

NOW--

(APPLAUSE)

BRODY DOES WARM UP FORUS.

IT 'S IN THE LIKE HE IS JUSTTHERE ALL THE TIME FOR NO

REASON, UH, WITH A MICROPHONE.

OKAY, JON DALY.

>> WELL, LET'S JUST SAY THATJOE WINIECKI WAS A LITTLE

FINECKY ABOUT HIS SHIRT.

>> CHRIS: WHA -- OKAY.

THAT WAS A GORGEOUS GLIDE INTOVICTORY.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS, OFCOURSE, FORCED TO CHANGE HIS

SHIRT.

>> [BLEEP] YEAH, BABY.

CAN I JUST POINT OUT -- CANPOINT OUT THAT CLEARLY HE

DIDN'T HAVE AN ISSUE WITHCHEST HAIR BECAUSE IT HAS

LITERALLY GROWN-UP TO THETOP OF HIS NECK.

>> CHRIS: YEAH.

>> YEAH, HE'S GOT TWO SHIRTS ON.ONE'S MADE OF HAIR.

ASWE JUMP TO OUR NEXT GAME,

KNOB GOBBLERS, KNOB GOBBLERS.

TODAY'S GROUNDHOG DAY ANDSINCE PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL SAW

HIS SHADOW, WE'RE LOOKING ATSIX MORE WEEKS OF WINTER.

YOU LIVE IN L.A., YOU DON'TGIVE A [BLEEP] ABOUT THAT.

WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

ALL RIGHT, COMEDIANS, WE CANONLY CHECK IN WITH THIS DIRT

BEAVER ONCE A YEAR, BUT I'MSURE HE HAS PREMONITIONS

YEAR-ROUND.

SO WHAT ARE SOME OTHER OF PHILPREDICTIONS.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECODNS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

NICK.

>> HE SAID THEY'RE DOING AGROUNDHOG DAY REBOOT WITH A

FEMALE LEAD.

WHICH I THINK ACTUALLY COULDWORK OUT GREAT, IT'S A GREAT

PREMISE AND --

>> CHRIS: GREAT, POINTS.

JON.

>> JOHNNY DEP WILL HAVE SIXMORE WEEKS OF MORTECAI.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

BOY, YOU'RE REALLY AFTER JOHNNYDEPP ON THAT ONE.

SETH.

>> I PREDICT THE FEBRUARY2nd @MIDNIGHT AUDIENCE WILL

BE THE GREATEST AUDIENCE INTHE WORLD.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: HOW DARE YOU.

ALL RIGHT, I'M NOT MADE OF WOOD,POINTS.

NICK.

>> HE'S SAYING TO [BLEEP] HISASS.

>> HE'S TELLING YOU THAT?

>> YEAH, THATS WHAT HE'S SAYING,I'LL PREDICT THAT NICK WILL

[BLEEP] MY ASS.

>> CHRIS: REALLY? OH,THAT'LLNEVER HAPPEN.

>> OH THAT WAS ME.

>> I'LL [BLEEP] YOUR ASS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

PLEASE CONTROL YOURGROUNDHOG, PLEASE --

PLEASE CONTROL YOURGROUNDHOG.

PLEASE.

>> OH YEAH. OH YEAH!

(TALKING OVER EACH OTHER)

>> NAUGHTY.

YOU ARE A NAUGHTY LITTLEGUY.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, WELL, YOU KNOWTHIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE'LL NEVER

AIR BEFORE MIDNIGHT.

BECAUSE OF GROUNDHOG 69ING.

>> IN MY DEFENSE, MY GUY WASJACKING OFF IN THE CORNER.