Monday, June 13, 2016

  • 06/13/2016

Mary Lynn Rajskub, Horatio Sanz and Nick Swardson present awards to obvious winners, list horrible business mergers and make up #BabyBroadway musicals.

Last night was the biggest nighton Broadway-- the Tonys,

which you either don't careabout at all

or care about way too much.

And that's not to be confused,by the way,

with the '90s R&B awards,the Tony Toni Tonés, which...

-(laughter) -...I wish we hadtime to mock up a image for.

All of the three awards justhave different hairstyles.

The ceremony featuredperformances

by many of the year's best showsand was hosted

by late night build-a-bear,James Corden seen here.

(laughter)

Uh, other...

Other celebritiesalso stopped by to present,

including Axl Rose. Uh...

(laughter)

It's very exciting.

(laughter)

-Oh, my. -HARDWICK:Axl presented the winner

of best musical to Hamilton.

Let's take a look.

The Tony goes to... Hamilton.

She didn't even openthe (bleep) envelope!

(laughter)

She didn't even open it!

She just assumed thebest musical won best musical!

The nerve!

But honestly, hugecongratulations to Hamilton.

So comedians,this award was so obvious

that she didn't even botherto open the envelope,

so I'd like you to pleasepresent another award

you don't even need to look at.Mary Lynn Rajskub, go.

And the winner of thestraightest, blondest hair

on the oldest face goesto Barbra Streisand.

HARDWICK:Right. Yeah. Perfect.

-(applause and cheering)-Oh, that's... Oh.

Horatio Sanz.

The award for best diarrhea on ared eye flight goes to Sbarro.

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: Oh.

(applause)

Sbarro was too busy (bleep)to accept the award.

We accept thison Sbarro's behalf.

Nick Swardson.

And the winner of

Most High Contestant on aGame Show goes to me right now.

-(laughter) -HARDWICK: Oh, wow!Congratulations...

Microsoft has announced plansto acquire LinkedIn

for $26.2 billion,

making historyas the most anyone has ever paid

for a list of peoplewithout jobs.

-(laughter)-Now,

hopefully,Microsoft does something

about all the e-mails sent to me

asking me to join LinkedIneven after I've opted out!

Every single time.

LinkedIn is basically"It follows, the Web site."

(laughter)

And I imagineMicrosoft just bought it

so they could (bleep)stop getting e-mails

from LinkedIn, as well.

-(applause)-And...

Also...

Extremely...extremely ironic and sad,

because Clippy, the paper clip,

has been a LinkedIn power usersince being laid off in 2008.

Tough times for Clippy.Oh, no.

-(laughter) -Oh. That's too bad.-Oh, Clippy.

(in high-pitched voice):I can stretch my body

and do a reach-around

for five more.

Microsoft is calling it a deal

between the world'sleading professional cloud

and the world'sleading professional network

which is what I planon telling my children

to help them fall asleep.

Comedians,what's an even worse merger?

-Horatio.-Oh, my penis and my zipper.

(laughter)

-(applause and cheering)-Yes.

That is, uh...that's the other LinkedIn.

Points for you.Nick Swardson.

Uh, Ecstasyand my family reunion.

-HARDWICK: All right.-(laughter, applause)

-Points. Mary Lynn.-The Catholic Church and Grindr.

-(laughter and groaning)-HARDWICK: Well, I don't know.

-Wait a minute.Think about it. -(applause)

It's now timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.

(applause and cheering)

As I mentioned earlier,last night was the Tony Awards,

which shall henceforth be knownas the Hamiltonys.

For those of you who don't owna fedora, I shall explain.

Hamilton took Broadway by stormand racked up 11 wins.

The mega-hit musicalis so popular,

it's probably goingto inspire a whole generation

of kids named Hamilton, Eliza,

and "Please don't beat me up.My daddy's a theater nerd."

So to celebrate that futureand honor last night's Tony's,

tonight's hashtag is#BabyBroadway. #BabyBroadway.

Examples might be, uh,picture Book of Mormon

and I don't have to pay Rent.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock and begin.

-Horatio. -Sudden Infant Death of a Salesman.

(laughter)

-(applause)-Points.

(whooping)

-Nick. -Breast Side Story.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

-Horatio. -The Wiz... in My Diaper.

-Yeah, points.Yeah, yeah, points. -(laughter)

-Mary Lynn. -My Fair Mommy.

-(laughter)-All right, points. Horatio.

Arthur Miller's The Lunchible.

-Yeah, points.-(laughter)

-Mary Lynn. -Bye Bye Birdie,

Because I Have No Object Permanence.

(laughter)

Points. Points. Nick.

Chicagoo-goo.

-Points.-(laughter)

-(applause)-Points.

-Mary Lynn. -Sweeney Toddler.

-Yeah, points!-(laughter)

-(applause)-Ha-ha!

♪ The demon babyof Fleet Street! ♪

-(laughter)-Nick.

Annie Wipe Your Buns.

(laughter)

Points.

Not all baby thingsare about (bleep).

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: Most of them are.

-RAJSKUB:Babies do other things. -Nick.

(bleep) The Musical.

(laughter, applause)

HARDWICK:Yeah. Yeah.

Ah...(inhales)

Ah...

-Wait, I have one.-Okay, what?

-It's pretty cute.-Okay.

Hey, um, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Pediatrician.

(laughter)

I don't knowwhat I was thinking.

I'm sorry, no, no, it didn't.