Tuesday, October 18, 2016

  • 10/18/2016

Matthew Broussard, Carmen Lynch and Jesse Joyce come clean about the damaging things they've said, list Melania Trump's potential goals as first lady and #AddAMovieRuinAMovie.

America's longnational nightmare is over.

Billy Bush has been firedfrom The Today Show.

Donald Trump's "Grab 'emby the pussy" locker room talk

on a bus got Billy fired

from his $3 million-a-yeardream job.

-WOMAN: Yeah!-Uh, listen,

where is The Today Show gonna find

-another white guy with hair?-(laughter)

-I don't know what they're gonnado! -(applause and cheering)

Matthew Broussardmaybe could be the guy.

I don't know.It's a unique skill set.

You are a white guy,you do have hair.

You could have the job,Broussard. Who knows.

But if it is not Broussard,good luck, NBC. Uh...

Billy Bush is PresidentGeorge W. Bush's cousin,

so basically, he's not reallyqualified to do anything.

-Uh...-(laughter)

Except for...

That's Billy Bush planning 9/12.

-HARDWICK: All right. Yeah.-(laughter and groaning)

-(applause and cheering)-See 'cause... that's how...

Jesse Joyceright out of the gate.

The schadenfreude'soff the charts on this.

But, comedians,I'd be willing to bet

that you've said something inthe past that you might regret.

So what's something you've said

that would get in troubleif it came out now?

Jesse Joyce.

All right, well, for years, uh,

I have saidthe Portuguese were just a pile

of uncircumcised, napping,chest hair on a moped.

(laughter and groaning)

And it turns outthat's not right.

Turns outthey also invented slavery.

-HARDWICK: Okay, all right.-(groaning) -Yeah.

All right, well, it's...The audience is trying to be

-on board with all of that.-No, they're-they're...

-(laughter)-They're... they're Googling it

is what they're doing.

-HARDWICK: All right.-They're Googling it right now.

-Carmen.-I got drunk once and said

the media was not runby the Jews.

-HARDWICK: All right.-(laughter and groaning)

All right.I'll give you points for that.

Matthew Broussard.

-Stranger Things is overrated.-HARDWICK: What?!

-(loud groaning)-That is...

-(applause)-Oh! That is fireable.

Yesterday, Anderson Cooperinterviewed future divorcée

Melania Trump and asked herwhat she'd try to accomplish

if she becomes first lady.

21st century--the social media--

it's very damagingfor the children.

We need to guide them andteach them about social media,

because I see a lotof negativity on it,

and, uh, we need to help them.

-(laughter)-JOYCE: Hey, do you think

we can put Melania nextto the Dracula candelabra?

-Is that...?-(laughter)

-(applause)-100 points for Jesse Joyce.

Holy cow.

(imitating Dracula): One wayI'm going to combat negativity

on social media--to suck your blood! Uh...

-(laughter)-(hissing)

-(Joyce imitates wings flapping)-I wonder what...

-(laughter) -I mean, geez, guys,I wonder why she thinks

there's a lot of negativityon social media.

What's that all about?I don't know.

Maybe 'cause oneof the only people

she follows does stuff likecall other people,

"unattractiveboth inside and out,"

or "a low class slob,"

or a "dopey clown,"

or a "total asshole,"

or a "pussy."

Or they look "like (bleep)."

Or "disgusting" with, quote,"nipples protruding."

-(laughter)-Why would...?

I mean, why would Melania wait

until she's First Lady to reducenegativity on social media

when she could just as easilyreplace her husband's phone

with an explodingSamsung Galaxy Note 7?

(applause and cheering)

So much negativity.

Comedians, giventhat Melania wants to go after

Trump-like cyber bullying,what do you think

some of her other goalsmight be? Matthew.

Designing grab-proofwomen's underwear.

-HARDWICK: All right, points.-(laughter)

-(applause)-Points. Jesse Joyce.

Uh, I don't know.Something about gypsies.

It's impossibleto understand her.

I don't have any Count-Chocula-to-English dictionary.

-HARDWICK: All right.-(laughter)

Carmen Lynch.

Whatever goalsMichelle Obama has.

-(laughter) -HARDWICK: Yeah,all right. Points.

-Points. -Nice.-(applause and cheering)

Right now it's timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.

(cheering)

Yeah.

Frankenstein is Mary Shelley'sclassic novel of horror

that inspirescountless people to say,

"Uh, Frankenstein is actuallythe name of the doctor.

You're thinkingof Frankenstein's monster."

But that taleabout combining the body parts

of different corpsesto build a new creature

had us thinking:what if we did the same thing

but with movie titles?

Could that besome kind of a premise?

Not that we're close to runningout of them or anything.

So we're makingsome Franken-films

with tonight's hashtag#AddAMovieRuinAMovie.

Examples might be: Godfather of the Bride...

See how that works?Two movies smashed together?

I'll give you another one: Purple Rain Man.

I'd watch that.And Tyler Perry's

Rocky Horror Picture Showgirls.

That's another version of that.

In 60 seconds, and begin.

-Jesse Joyce. -There Will Be Blart.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

-Carmen. -Alien vs. Predator vs. Kramer.

-Points.-(laughter)

Jesse.

Batman v Seabiscuit.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

-Carmen.-Scarface/Off.

All right, points!Matthew Broussard.

Apollo 13 Going on 30.

-Yes, points. Oh, so good.-(laughter, whooping, applause)

Jesse.

10 Things I Hate about Schindler's List.

-Points!-(laughter, whooping, applause)

Matthew.

Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Deadpool.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

-Jesse. -Crouching Tiger, Donnie Brasco.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

-Carmen. -12 Angry Men in Black.

Yes, points.Very good one. Jesse.

How Stella Eight Men Out.

-All right...-(laughter)