Hahn, Gulman, Kahaney, Regular Joe's

  • Season 3, Ep 0304
  • 02/01/2000

I'VE BEEN TRAVELINGTHIS COUNTRY A LOT.

I RECENTLY WENT DOWN SOUTH

AND IT WAS DIFFERENTFROM NEW YORK.

I AIN'T TALKINGABOUT ATLANTA.

( laughter )

I'M TALKINGABOUT THE COTTON SOUTH.

I AIN'T TALKING ABOUT MIAMI.

THAT'S THE ORANGE SOUTH.

YOU NEVER HEARD NO OLD

NEGRO SPIRITUALSABOUT PICKING ORANGES.

THEY AIN'T LET US PICKNO ORANGES.

♪ I'M ABOUT TO PICKTHEM ORANGES ♪

♪ THEN I'M GOING TO SQUEEZEME SOME JUICE. ♪

( laughter )

THEY KNOW WE'D HAVE CAME BACKWITH A BAG FULL OF PEELS.

WE DON'T KNOWWHAT HAPPENED, MASSA...

BUT WE SHO' FEEL HEALTHY.

WHAT YOU DOIN' NOW?

I WAS SO DEEP SOUTH

THE BLACK PEOPLE SCAREDME THERE.

I WAS IN A LITTLE TOWNCALLED PICKINSVILLE, GEORGIA.

PICKINSVILLE.

WHAT YOU THINKTHEY DID THERE ONE DAY?

I WALKED IN THE McDONALDS.

YOU WOULD HAVE THOUGHTI WAS WALKING BACK IN TIME.

BROTHER SCARED MEBEHIND THE COUNTER, MAN.

I WALK IN, I WAS LIKE,"HEY, WHAT'S UP, MAN?

GIVE ME A BIG MAC..."

SHH, BOY.

LOST YOUR MIND.

YOU GOING TO HOLDYOUR VOICE DOWN IN HERE.

NOW WHAT YOU WANT?

AND HUR'D UP.

HUR'D UP!

THAT'S HURRY IT UP,IN CASE YOU...

( laughter )

I SAID, "HEY, MAN,GIVE ME A BIG MAC."

I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME.

POINT TO THE NUMBER!

THEY FIND OUT YOU CAN READ,THEY WILL KILL YO' ASS, BOY.

( laughter and applause )

YOU WANT A NUMBER ONE,TWO, THREE OR FOUR?

LOOK AT THE PICTUREAND MATCH IT UP WITH THE NUMBER.

DON'T LOOK AT THE EGGSAND THE SAUSAGE.

THAT'S FOR IN THE MORNIN'.

NOW YOU TAKE THIS BAGAND YOU RUN, BOY.

TAKE THE...?

RUN, BOY!

YOU FORGOT THE APPLE PIE.

ALL THE MARINES...

( grunting )

ALL THE MARINES JOIN IN.

HOW ABOUT ARMY?

HUT-HUT-HUT.

SALVATION ARMY.

DING-DING-DING-DING.

WHERE ARE YOU?

CRAZY GUY.

WE NEED MORE MONEY FOR BELLS.

THE MILITARY IS GREAT.

THE MARINE CORPS,YOU'RE ALWAYS MARCHING AROUND.

YOU CAN'T BEAT BOOT CAMP;YOU GET TO MARCH ALL AROUND.

LEFT-RIGHT-LEFT...

I USED TO GOOF OFFAND ONLY CALL LEFTS.

LEFT-LEFT-LEFT-LEFT-LEFT.

SEE THE MARINES OUT THERE...

BOOT CAMP'S WILD.

YOU'RE ALWAYS SCREAMINGAND YELLING.

COME HERE! GET AWAY FROM ME!

OUTSTANDING!

HIT HIM IN THE HEAD!SUCK IT UP!

OUTSTANDING! OUTSTANDING!

AS SOON AS I GOT OUT OFBOOT CAMP, MY SISTER GOT MARRIED

AND SHE HAD ME SEAT PEOPLEAT HER WEDDING.

YEAH.

THEY'D COME WALKINGUP TO ME

AT THE CHURCH--

OH, YOU MUST BEPATRICIA'S BROTHER.

SIT DOWN!

I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND!

WE HAD 200 PEOPLE SHOW UP

AND I PUT THEM ALLIN THE SAME ROW.

GET IN THERE!TAKE THESE SEATS!

SIT DOWN! SIT DOWN!

WE'RE NOT COMFORTABLE.

OUTSTANDING!

OH, THIS IS A HOT CROWD.

I'M ALL RILED UP.

I WISH I WAS OUT THERETO SEE THIS 'CAUSE I AM FUNNY.

( laughter )

CHICKS DIG ME'CAUSE I'M A EUNUCH...

I MEAN, I'M UNIQUE.

( laughter )

NO, SERIOUSLY.

WHEN I WALK INTO A BAR,I REJECT REJECTION.

I'LL GO STORMING IN THERE...

I'LL BE LIKE, LOOK AT THAT CHICKTRYING TO GET MY ATTENTION

BY MAKING OUT WITH THAT GUY.

STARING ME DOWNWITH THE BACK OF HER HEAD.

I'LL TALK TO YOU. DON'T PANIC.

I'M AMAZED AT HOW FARTHE WOMEN WILL GO

TO TRY TO MAKE ME JEALOUS,YOU KNOW?

THIS ONE GIRL I USED TO DATE,SHE'S MARRIED NOW.

SHE HAS THREE KIDS.

I SEE RIGHT THROUGH THAT.

I'M NOT COMING BACK.

SHE NEEDS TO GET ONWITH HER LIFE!

IMAGINE SEEING MEWHERE YOU WORK EVERY MORNING.

I'D GET THERE EARLY,HAVE A FEW POTS OF COFFEE.

I'D BE READY FOR YOU.

AS SOON AS YOU CAME IN,I'D BE RIGHT THERE.

WHOO-HOO! WHOO!

COME ON, YOU'RE WORKINGWITH ME TODAY!

COME HERE!

I'LL GIVE YOU A PIGGYBACK RIDE!

HOW ABOUT A CUP OF JAVA JOE?

I'VE ALREADY HAD 37.

LET ME ASK YOU

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU WALKEDINTO A JOB INTERVIEW

TAKEN A LOOK AT EVERYBODYTHAT WORKS THERE

AND DECIDEDTHAT YOU DON'T WANT THAT JOB?

RIGHT?

( applause )

SO THEN, YOU MIGHT AS WELLJUST GOOF OFF

THROUGH THE WHOLE THING,YOU KNOW.

SO, WHAT CAN YOU DOFOR THIS COMPANY?

WELL, I CAN DO THIS--WHAA!

( laughter )

( popping )

WHOO-HOO-HOO!

WHOO! YEAH!

( applause )

MY HEAD ALMOST CAME OFF.

DID YOU NOTICE THAT AT ALL?

THE INTERVIEWER'S LIKE, REALLY?

CAN YOU TELL ME A LITTLESOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF?

WELL, I'VE GOT PINKEYE,AND MY FOOT'S ASLEEP.

I LOVE TO PULL MY GROIN.

WHA-WHA!

I'VE GOT MATCHING SILVERWAREFOR THE PLATE IN MY HEAD.

( laughter )

I THINK I CAN FLY.

WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELFIN FIVE YEARS.

NEXT TO YOU IN THE DUMPSTERBEHIND THE AIRPORT.

PERFECT. WE'LL SEE YOU MONDAY.

OKAY.

YOU'RE PUTTING MEIN A GOOD MOOD.

I HAD KIND OF A ROUGH DAY.

I WAS OVER AT MY PARENT'S HOUSEALL DAY

'CAUSE... I LIVE THERE.

( laughter )

GOD, I WISH THAT WAS A JOKE.

YEAH, A LITTLE RULE OF THUMB--

I'M 26,AND, IF YOU ARE 26 YEARS OLD

AND YOU'RE WAKING UPUNDER STAR WARS SHEETS

THE FORCE IS NOT WITH YOU.

NO SIREE, YODA.

I MEAN, I LOVE MY MOM.

SHE'S WONDERFUL,BUT SHE CAN BE SO ANNOYING.

LIKE, YOU EVER DRIVEWITH YOUR MOM AS AN ADULT?

I WOULD RATHER PICK UPAN ESCAPED CONVICT.

AT LEAST THEY'RE SATISFIED,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

MY MOM, SHE DOESN'T REALLY SAYANYTHING OUT LOUD.

SHE JUST MAKES THAT NOISETHAT MOMS MAKE

WHEN THEY THINKTHEY'RE ABOUT TO CRASH

WHICH IS ROUGHLYEVERY TEN SECONDS.

YOU KNOW THAT NOISE--

( gasping )

I JUST WANT TO VEERINTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC.

I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHINGTO ( gasps ) ABOUT, LADY.

THEN SHE STARTS... SHE STARTSGRABBING THAT HANDLE--

THE WE'RE-ALL-GOING-TO-DIEHANDLE.

WHAT IS THAT THINGEVEN THERE FOR?

IN CASE YOU WANT TO TURNYOUR CAR INTO A SUBWAY

AT SOME POINT?

HAVE A LITTLE BABY DOINGCHIN-UPS ON IT?

AND SHE STARTS PRESSINGON HER BRAKE--

THE FAKE BRAKE, RIGHT?

OH, YEAH, MOM, THAT WAS HELPFUL.

YEAH, WE ALMOST CRASHED,BUT YOU MIMED BRAKING.

THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE SO TALENTED.

I HAVE A DAD.ANYBODY ELSE HAVE A DAD?

I, UH... MY DAD

IS NOT LIKE YOUR DAD.

MY DAD IS 76 YEARS OLD.

( applause )

THAT IS... YOU DON'T HAVETO LIVE WITH HIM.

THAT'S WHY YOU'RE CLAPPING.

I WAS BORN WHEN HE WAS 50.

I WAS LIKE,"WHAT ARE YOU, ABRAHAM?"

( laughter )

ALL RIGHT? THAT'S BIBLICAL.

DON'T GET ME WRONG,I LOVE MY DAD.

WE LOVE OUR DADS, BUT IT'S WEIRDGROWING UP WITH A DAD

THAT MUCH OLDER THAN YOU.

LITTLE THINGS ARE WEIRD.

WE'D GO TO THE MOVIES--WE WERE BOTH GETTING DISCOUNTS.

( laughter )

YEAH, ONE CHILD,AND NOAH HERE'S

GOING TO USE HISSILVER SAVINGS CARD

IF THAT'S ALL RIGHT WITH YOU.

I REMEMBER IN THIRD GRADE,I HAD MRS. CARVINO.

ANYBODY ELSE?

I, UH...

SHE TOLD US TO GO HOMEAND ASK OUR FATHER

WHO WAS PRESIDENTWHEN HE WAS OUR AGE

WHAT WAS THE PRICE OF BREAD.

PRESIDENT, PRICE OF BREAD--

AN INTERESTING LITTLESOCIOECONOMIC EXPERIMENT

FOR EVERYONE BUT ME,ALL RIGHT?

FOR ME IT WAS

THE MOST HUMILIATING EXPERIENCEOF MY LIFE

'CAUSE ALL THE OTHER KIDS HADNORMAL PRESIDENTS...

THE PRESIDENT WAS J.F.K.,THE PRESIDENT WAS EISENHOWER...

THEY GOT TO ME--THE PRESIDENT WAS JULIUS CAESAR

AND THE PRICE OF BREADWAS A CHICKEN.

( laughter )

I SAW MY OLDER BROTHERAT THE HOUSE TODAY.

HE'S SO SUCCESSFUL NOW.

HE'S VERY WEALTHY NOW'CAUSE HE'S GOT

ONE OF THOSE... JOBS.

HE GOES EVERY DAY.

IT'S LIKE HE'S OBSESSED.

SERIOUSLY, EVEN ON MONDAYS...

WHATEVER, YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW HOW YOU CAN TELLIF SOMEBODY'S RICH LIKE MY...?

HE DOESN'T CALL HIS CARJUST THE CAR.

HE'S GOT TO CALL ITBY THE NAME OF THE CAR.

YOU KNOW PEOPLE LIKE THAT?

YEAH, THE BEEMERWAS IN THE SHOP, SO...

HAD TO TAKE THE BENZ.

IT'S SO OBNOXIOUS, SO IALWAYS TRY TO COMPETE WITH HIM.

LIKE, YEAH, MAN,I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

THE OTHER DAY THE GEO...

WAS OUT OF GAS,SO I HAD TO TAKE THE BUS.

THANKS VERY MUCH, EVERYONE.