Michelle Buteau

  • Season 4, Ep 3
  • 09/05/2015

Michelle Buteau reveals how she met her husband and explains what it's like to be married to a white European man.

I'd never feltlike I was dating a white guy

until I had to goto the beach with his family.

I'm like, "Ooh,this is how we different."

(laughter)

Well, 'causeI'd never been to the beach

with white European people,okay?

And let me tell y'all something.

They don't sweat. They melt!

I was like,"Y'all gonna be okay?

"You want a Gatorade,a banana, some electrolytes?

"Is that your skin on the towel?

"What you mean your skin comesoff, it'll grow back tomorrow?

"Are you a lizard?Are you a lizard person?

"I have never seena lizard person.

"You need your skin, bitch!

I'm no Dr. Oz,but you need your skin!"

(laughter)

And white European peoplegoing on the beach--

let me tell y'all something--they go prepared.

They had sandwiches,organic teas,

lotion, cigarettes, furniture.

I'm like,"Are we (bleep) moving?"

They had a tentfor the little white baby.

I have never seen a tentfor a little white baby

on Shark Tank ever.

They just leftthat little white baby in there

and went to the water.

I'm like, "You better watchyour little white baby.

"These are good money.

"Have you seen anyLiam Neeson movie?

You better watch your baby!"

This is crazy.

And people are looking at meon the beach

like I should bedoing something,

like I'm the Jamaican nanny.

I'm like, "No, no, no, no, no."

I pay my taxesin other ways, okay?

I'm not living my life likeI'm in that movie The Help.

I'm not in that tent,like, "You's special."

(laughter)

"You's kind.

You's important."

My brother-in-law--his name is "Coon."

Spelled C-O-E-N.

Now, make some noiseif you don't know

what the word "coon" means.

(distant, quiet whoop)

Oh, that's okay,he's so cute. He's just like,

"I don't want them to know..."It's great, okay?

You must be in your 20s,I can tell.

You have the look of hopeon your face.

So, for the two and a halfpeople that don't know,

"coon" is a derogatory wordfor a black person.

Okay? It's, like, 12 Years a Slave old.

That's why you don't...It's, like, super old.

And I'm glad that, like,a lot of young people

don't know that word, 'causeit's mean and it's going away,

Obama's president, Kanyehas a album, we're winning.

But...

my husband and I got marriedin July in Miami,

because it's 40% cheaperto get married

during hurricane season.

Yeah, I like that refund.

So I was running errandsand I took Coen with me

and I went to a Walmartand when I walked in,

he was like, "So many ketchups!"

And ran away with a boner.

Just, like, a hard dick--"Mayonnaises!"

Like, it was insane.

But my point is, does anyonein this room know how hard it is

to lose your brother-in-lawnamed Coen

at a Walmart in South Florida?

It's hard.

It is so hard.

Like, I was just, like, gentlyjogging down each aisle,

'cause I can't run with thesetits, okay? This is...

two Chihuahuas just alwaysfighting each other.

You know what I mean.

Got them tig ol' bitties.

It's a lot of...It's like a fleshy IKEA shelf.

Just always...

So I'm gently j... joggingdown each aisle and I'm like,

(muffled):"Coen!

Coen! Co..."

Like a racist ventriloquist.I'm like... (moaning)

This employeecame up to me, she's like,

"Did you lose somebody?Would you like me to page him?"

I was like...

"No, bitch."