Monday, December 15, 2014

  • 12/15/2014

Jessimae Peluso, Donnell Rawlings and Spike Feresten list band names for an animated subway busker, guess why two disorderly Santas started a drunken brawl and #XmasAMovie.

>> CHRIS: IT'S 11:59 AND 59SECONDS.

THIS HAPPENED ON DAILY DOTTODAY.

NOW I DID NOT NEED ANOTHERREASON NOT TO RIDE THE TRAIN,

BUT THE INTERNET GAVE ME ANYONEWAY.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS.

♪ (SINGING IN SPANISH)

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: NOW, IRONICALLY THAT'SACTUALLY THE LEAST THREATENING

GUY ON THE TRAIN.

THE ONLY PASSENGER WHO DIDN'TASK ANYONE FOR MONEY.

SO, LET'S GO AHEAD AND SEE HOWTHIS WRAPS UP.

♪ (SCREAMING)

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: GOOD LANDING. GOODLANDING.

COMEDIANS, WHAT IS A GOOD NAMEFOR THIS GUYS BAND

JESSIMAE PELUSO,

>> WU-BANG CLAN. NEWESTMEMBER, METH MAN.

Chris: YES, PERFECT.

DONNELL RAWLINGS.

>> I WOULD SAY, TENASCIOUSD-TRAIN!

>> Chris: YES.

SPIKE FERESTEN?

>> MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE WITH BATHSALTS.

>> Chris: AND MY ENTRY WOULDHAVE BEEN RUN PCP.

I HOPE HE USES ONE OF THOSE.

YOU'RE WELCOME TO USE THEM.

LET'S START "@MIDNIGHT."

>> Chris: RIPPED FROM TODAY'SINTERNET HEADLINES IT'S "RAPID

REFRESH."

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: NOW, IF YOU EVERWONDERED HOW SANTA CAN VISIT

EVERY DRUNK TANK ACROSS THEWORLD IN A SINK WILL NIGHT LOOK

NO FURTHER THAN SANTA CON.

THIS IS A WORLDWIDE PUB-CRAWLWHERE SCORES OF GOOFY DRUNK

DOUCHEBAGS TAKE TO THE STREETSDRESSED LIKE KRIS KRINGLE

NOTHING WILL RUIN A CHRISTMASFOR A KID THAN SEEING A SANTA

BENT OVER A BURNING COP CAR --GETTING HIS SALAD TOSSED BY A

COKED UP ELF.

INSTAGRAM AND VINE WERE LITEREDWITH HOT SAINT NICK PICS FROM

THIS YEAR'S FESTIVITIES.

THERE WERE BLACK SANITY AS,BSDSM SANTAS MEXICAN WRESTLER

SANTAS LIKE SCOTCHO LIBRE, HERE.

AND! EVEN THE RECENTLY RAPTUREDSANTAS.

UH, VAPORIZED.

BY FAR OUR FAVORITE WAS PROBABLYTHIS JINGLE BRAWL.

THEY'RE TOO BUSY DECKING EACHOTHER TO DECK ANY HALLS.

HIT HIM! HIT HIM! YEAH.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: COMEDIANS, WHAT ARETHE SANITY AS BRAWLING ABOUT,

JESSIMAE.

>> THEY'RE FIGHTING ABOUT WHOTHE FIRST GUY MRS. CLAUS WENT

TO THE BACK DOOR OF THE GINGERBREAD HOUSE WITH.

>> Chris: YEP. THAT'S RIGHT.

[ APPLAUSE ]

SPIKE FERESTEN.

>> TWO WORDS, SACK ENVY.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS. THAT'SULTIMATETLY WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT.

NEXT ONE, A STORY WAS TRENDINGOVER THE WEEKEND ABOUT COMMENTS

THE POPE MADE ABOUT DOGS GETTINGINTO HEAVEN.

GOOD TO KNOW.

DID PATCHES GET A WING AFTER HEATE THE CHOCOLATE HE THOUGHT WAS

HIS OWN POOP OR DID HE HAVE TOTRICK HIS WAY TOO GET INTO

HEAVEN LIKE THIS DOG?

♪ I FEEL PRETTY SO PRETTY ♪ IFEEL PRETTY AND WITTY AND

BRIGHT! ♪ AND I PITTY ANYGIRL WHO ISN'T ME TONIGHT. ♪

>> Chris: OH.

OH, THAT'S SO HORRIFYING.

>> Chris: SO HORRIFYING.

AND I FEEL PRETTY SOUNDTRACK ISSO GROSS.

BUT COMEDIANS, WHAT PUNISHMENTSAWAIT THIS LECHEROUS BEAST IN

THE SULFUR PITS OF DOG HELL,SPIKE.

>> THAT DOG IS BEING SEPTEMBERTO THE SEVENTH CIRCLE OF DOG

HELL, THE MICHAEL VICK CIRCLE.

RIGHT TO MICHAEL VICK.

>> Chris: WELL, WEEK 15 OF THENFL WRAPPED UP AND DEADSPIN.COM

IS KILLING IT WITH THEREPORTING.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WAS AREAL HEADLINE ABOUT YESTERDAY'S

LIONS-VIKINGS GAME ON DEADSPIN?

A, DETROIT MAYOR ARRESTED FORSELLING MIXTAPES IN PAKRING LOT.

B, MAN DRESSED AS ROBOCOP THROWSFECES AT VIKING FAN.

C, BUTTHOLE EATEN AT LIONSTAILGATE.

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: YES, SPIKE.

>> WELL, I WANT IT TO BEBUTTHOLE EATEN AT LIONS

TAILGATE.

I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S THEANSWER, THAT'S WHAT I WANT.

>> Chris: WELL THEN YOU SIR, AREABOUT TO BE A HAPPY MAN.

BUTTHOLE EATEN AT LIONSTAILGATE.

>> YES, YES.

[LAUGHING]

>> GOOD GOD.

>> Chris: I MEAN JUST HELPING ABRO OUT HERE.

AT THE IRONICALLY NAMEDTAILGATE.

WE HAD TO PUT AN @MIDNIGHTSYMBOL OVER IT WHICH IRONICALLY

LOOKS LIKE A BUTTHOLE.

BUT, TO BE FAIR -- IT'S REALLY.I MEAN --

IT'S REALLY HARD TO TELL WHAT ISHAPPENING IN THIS PHOTO.

MAYBE THEY TOOK THE LIBERTIESWITH THE CAPTION, I DON'T KNOW.

COMEDIANS, PLEASE EXPLAIN WHATIS REALLY GOING ON HERE.

DONNELL.

>> I'M A DOCTOR.

ANYONE NEED MOUTH TO ASS RECESSSTATION?

>> Chris: THAT'S NOT HOW DO YOUIT.

MAYBE HE'S TRYING TO INFLATE THEGUY.

SPIKE.

>> IT'S CLEARLY PROVING THE OLDADAGE, GAS, GRASS, ASS, NOBODY

RIDES FOR FREE.

[LAUGHING]

NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE HASHTAGWARS.

HASHTAG WARS.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: CHRISTMAS IS STILL TENDAY AS WAY.

BY NOW YOU HAVE BLOWN THROUGHSCROOGE, ELF, AND ALL THE HOME

ALONES PUT TOGETHER.

SO TO HELP EXPAND THE CANON OFHOLLYWOOD CHRISTMAS CLASSICS,

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#XMASAMOVIE, #XMASAMOVIE.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE GINGER BREADMAN OF STEEL, AS YOU CAN SEE

THERE.

FROST VIXEN IS AN ADORABLE ONE.

OR SHINDLER'S NAUGHTY LIST.

NOBODY HAS WOOED SCHINDLER'SLIST.

I'M ASHAMED OF ALL OF US.

ALL RIGHT. I'M GONNA PUT 60SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND GO.

YES, SPIKE.

>> SILENT NIGHT OF THE LAMBS.

>> Chris: YES POINTS!

JESSIMAE.

>> DJINGLE UNCHANGED.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

JESSIMAE.

>> ROSEMARY'S BABY WAS JESUS.

>> CHris: YES POINTS -- NO, HEWAS OPPOSITE JESUS.

YOU HAD YOU TO SEE THE MOVIE.>> OH, SORRY, SORRY.

>> CHRIS: DONNELL.

>> 12 YEARS OF ELF.

>> Chris: POINTS.

SPIKE.

>> DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THEELVES.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

DONNELL.

>> THREE FRENCH HO HOS AND ABABY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

SPIKE.

>> A MILLION WAYS TO DIE IN ACHIMNEY.

>> Chris: YES POINTS.

DONNELL.

>> AMERICAN HISTORY XMAS.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

JESSIMAE.

>> MEN IN BLACK FRIDAY.

I'M GONNA KILL YOU FOR THATDOLL. I'M GONNA KILL YOU!

>> Chris: POINTS.

SPIKE.

>> FOUR CALLING BIRDS AND AFUNERAL.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

EXCELLENT.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,STOCK STUFFERS.

@MIDNIGHT'S BEEN VERY NICE THISYEAR, SO SANTA DROPPED BY THE

STUDIO AND STUFFED OUR STOCKINGWITH LOADS OF WEIRD CHRSITMAS-

THEMED STOCK PHOTOS ABOUTCHRISTMAS.

SO THE NEWS USES STOCK PHOTOSALL THE TIME.

COMEDIANS, FOR 250 POINTS,PLEASE GIVE ME A LINE FROM THE

HOLIDAY NEWS REPORT WHERE THISPHOTO MAY OF BEEN USED.

FIRST YOU UP THIS GIFT WRAPPER.

HOW ABOUT THIS GIFT WRAPPER.

DONNELL.

>> CHANNEL E JUST ANNOUNCED ANEW CAR DASHIAN SPIN OFF.

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris:POINTS.

HOW ABOUT THIS.

THIS BIZARRE TRANSORTER FOR THERACCIDENT.

WHAT HAPPENED THERE?

WHERE A LADY AND A CHRISTMASTREE WERE FUSED TOGETHER.

JESSIMAE PELUSO.

>> WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERYJESSIMAE'S CHRISTMAS PARTY, SHE

TRIES TO [BEEP] THE TREE.

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: HOW ABOUT -- HOW ABOUTEIGHT TIPS THIS HOLIDAY SEASON

FOR YOUR UNRULY BUSH.

>> HOW TO KEEP YOUR BUSHDECORATED.

>> Chris: YEAH.

SPIKE.

>> WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUTYOUR CHRISTMAS TREE MAY KILL

YOU.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

POINTS.

>> DELIVERED LIKE A NEWS MAN TOSCARE YOU.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: NEXT ONE THIS JOYOUSNOEL. THIS JOYOUS --

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: JESSIMAE PELUSO.

>> WHEN THE COPS QUESTION THEKID, HE SAID I SAW MOMMY BEING

DEFLATED BY SANTA CLAUS.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

>> IT MIGHT BE THE DETROITFOOTBALL FAN PRACTICING BEFORE

THE GAME... THE BEFORE PICTURE.

>> Chris: LISTEN IF HE CAN FIREUP THE YULE TIDE LOG, I SAY GOOD

FOR HIM.

[ APPLAUSE ]

AS WE JUMP TO OUR NEXT GAME.

REMIX -A- LOT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

TODAY MARKS THE RELEASE OF NIKKIMINAJ'S NEW ALBUM "THE

PINKPRINT," FEATURING THE MEGAHIT ANACONDA, WHICH SAMPLES

THE CLASSIC SIR MIX-A-LOT LINE:

>> "MY ANACONDA DON'T WANTUNLESS YOU'VE GOT BUNS HUN."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Chris: ONE OF YOU IS LIKE NOI HAVE A SNAKE,AND HE LIKES

BUTT CHEEKS.

SI COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE TOYOU THINK OF AS MANY WAYS TO

FINISH THE LINE "MY ANACONDADON'T WANT NONE UNLESS ...

AS YOU CAN THAT OF.

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND GO.

SPIKE.

>> UNLESS IT'S GLUTEN FREE.

>> Chris: POINTS, SIR.

JESSIMAE.

>> UNLESS IT COMES WITHUNLIMITED SALAD AND BREAD

STICKS.

>> Chris: YES. POINTS. PEREFCT.

DONNELL.

>> UNLESS IT'S COVERED BY OBAMACARE.

>> Chris: ALRIGHT.

POINTS.

JESSIMAE.

>> MY ANACONDA DON'T WANT NONEUNLESS THERE IS ENOUGH FOR

EVERYBODY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JESSIMAE.

>> MY ANACONDA DON'T WANT NONEUNLESS YOU ARE THE KEY MASTER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

SPIKE.

>> MY ANACONDA DON'T WANTNONE UNLESS YOU DON'T KNOW I'M

TALKING ABOUT MY [BEEP]

>> Chris: POINTS.