Extended - Thursday, June 25, 2015 - Uncensored

  • 06/25/2015

Another Period's Kate Micucci, David Koechner and Will Sasso invent state fair food, bully microorganisms and heckle a 1920s comedian in this uncensored, extended episode.

Ripped from today's Internetheadlines, it's Rapid Refresh.

(applause and cheering)Hillary Clinton recently put out

her own personal,non-politically motivated

Spotify playlist, and it'sexactly as milquetoast and

inoffensive as you'd expect fromsomeone trying to appeal to

every single American citizensimultaneously.

Hey, going out on a limb there.

You got the Kelly Clarkson, JohnLegend and Bon Jovi?

(laughter)I think Hills has got our

nation's dental hygienist voteon lockdown, uh...

So, comedians, what would be agood Spotify playlist name for

this collection of songs?

(bell dings)Uh, yes, Dave.

>> Now that's what I call"Pandering, Volume 7."

>> HARDWICK: Yes. Points.

(applause and cheering)Kate.

>> Um, "Songs from the Rite-AidIntercom."

>> HARDWICK: Yeah. Points. Yeah.

(applause and cheering)Will Sasso.

>> Uh, "Songs to Not Fuck BillTo."

(laughter)(applause and cheering)

>> HARDWICK: Actually, "Stronger(What Doesn't Kill You.)"

I think she did pick that one.

Yeah, I think she did pick thatone.

>> That's so good.

I can't erase the image ofHillary Clinton riding our

former president to that song.

(laughter)And I implore all of you at home

to think of the same thing.

>> HARDWICK: You can't erase it,and he can't remember it.

(laughter)(like President Clinton): I'm

pretty sure that must'vehappened-- we got one kid.

(laughter)That must've happened one time.

>> (like President Clinton): Idid not vote for Kelly Clarkson.

(laughter, whooping, applause)Oh, come on.

>> HARDWICK: You know she peggedhim one time.

(laughter)Especially... after the late

'90s, he's like, "All right,this is..."

Moving on. A Scottish soccerteam named Partick Thistle

recently unveiled their insaneand disturbing new mascot.

It's a real fucked-up sun.

Okay, I'm gonna show it to you,I'm gonna show it to you, but I

warn you, do not look directlyat him!

(laughter)Ugh!

(laughter)Ugh! Bwah! Bwah!

(whooping, cheering)Do-weh!

Syuh!

Give me a hug!

I burned you!

(laughter)I burn your face!

It... (laughs)it kind of looks like at one

time it was a mascot for afast-food restaurant that burned

down in the early '80s... andthey just scraped it off the

ground.

>> I love how the description ofthe video just says "Mascot."

>> HARDWICK: Mascot, period.

>> Mascot. A mascot.

>> HARDWICK: Aargh!

At least there's somethinginteresting to look at on a

soccer field now, so that's fun.

Comedians...

(laughter, whooping, applause)First of all...

you are American-- you are notsoccer fans.

Don't even try...

Dads.

>> I suddenly love soccer.

Okay.

(laughter, whooping)>> HARDWICK: Terrorist!

So, comedians, this is themascot-- what could this

abomination's catchphrasepossibly be?

Kate Micucci.

>> Aargh! My mom made me thiscostume!

>> HARDWICK: Points. Points.

(applause)Dave Koechner.

>> Aargh! The Mayans used toworship me.

(laughter)>> HARDWICK: Points.

Points.

Dust off your sanitary wipingrag and get out your insulin

shots, because the MinnesotaState Fair just released this

year's menu, and it isdisgust-alicious.

Which of the following food itemwill be featured at this year's

Minnesota State Fair?

Dave Koechner.

>> Uh, I'm gonna say C) StuffedItalian meat loaf on a stick.

It's an ethnic fair.

(laughter)>> HARDWICK: Well, fuck you,

you're all gonna die-- it's allof them, all of those things.

(cheering, applause, whooping)All of those things.

You know... meat loaf on thestick, for the active meat loaf

eater.

(laughter)I'm so busy, I got to eat my

meat loaf on the go!

>> I'm running around all day--when am I gonna find time to eat

this meat loaf?

>> HARDWICK: Oh! I got to sitdown.

>> Hey, Ma, would it kill youto stick a fuckin' thing in

there so I could take this on myway?

>> HARDWICK: I got stuff to do!

I got shit to do!

>> I'm a busy guy!

>> HARDWICK: Yay! While you'reat it, can you put that pot

roast in a cone?

(laughter)Don't do that, Minnesota, don't

fuckin' do that!

You're gonna do it, and I knowyou are.

(laughter)Yeah, I was watching @midnight,

and they talked about putting apot roast in a cone, so...

(laughter)...I had to put it in a cone.

>> Yeah. Uh...

you got to find a manufacturerthat can get us a big enough

waffle cone for a whole potroast, yeah.

>> HARDWICK: You got the wafflecone and the pot roast...

>> Put a few scoops of pot roastin there.

A little fudge sauce on there.

>> HARDWICK: Don't let thosecheese fuckers in Wisconsin in

on this-- this is just forMinnesota.

(whooping, applause)Clearly, the Minnesota State

Fair is not fuckin' around, so,comedians, I would like you to

come up with another clever newfood item...

(Sasso sputters)Oh, it's too late!

You can't take it back now, WillSasso!

You are committed.

>> I'm sorry, I'm trying to findout how this thing works.

It's a really good one.

>> HARDWICK: It's actually verycomplicated-- you push it and

the bell goes off.

>> Oh, really?

>> HARDWICK: So, Will, youbuzzed in-- what's a new food

item for them to add this year?

>> I'm gonna go with human-fatice cream in a three-liter

novelty football helmet.

(laughter)>> HARDWICK: Points.

>> Nice.

(whooping, applause)>> HARDWICK: Uh, Kate Micucci.

>> Um, a fresh baguette that'sfilled with cool ranch Doritos

that glow in the dark, so thatwhen you look in the baguette,

you could be like, "Oh, yeah,it does glow in the dark."

>> HARDWICK: Okay, points.

Points.

(whooping, applause)Dave Koechner.

>> Uh, frozen gravy pop.

>> HARDWICK: Yes.

That would be really good.

>> Really good.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

>> That'd be pretty good.

>> Oh, I forgot my frozen gravypop!

>> HARDWICK: Where's my frozengravy pop! Come on!

>> Come on, Ma!

>> HARDWICK: Where's my frozengravy pop!

What are you doin'?

>> Yo! How am I supposed to getmy meatball on a stick? Whoa.

>> HARDWICK: Where's my meatballice cream?

>> Yeah, where's my meatballice cream? Oh!

>> HARDWICK: Where's my meatballice cream?!

>> And I tell you, I'm gonna getsome eggplant parmesan and wrap

it in bubblegum! Whoa!

Hey, yo!

(applause, whooping)>> Here, hold my hot dog shake.

I'm gonna get on this ride.

>> All right.

(laughter, whooping, applause)

It's now time for the HashtagWars.

(cheering)(whooping)

Tonight's the 2015 NationalBasketball Association draft,

where 19-year-old collegedropouts are selected one at a

time to become millionaires...

mostly 'cause they're real tall.

So, uh, a lot of draft picksturn out to be busts, so maybe

pro basketball franchises shouldroll the dice on one of you guys

instead, right?

So in the spirit, tonight'shashtag is #DraftMeBecause,

#DraftMeBecause.

Examples might be: I can dunk,as long as I get a boost; or...

I look hilarious in sleeveless

shirts; or... I'll pick myuniform number, and it's 69!

All right. I'm gonna put 60seconds on the clock. And begin.

Dave.

>> Draft me because I want tomarry a Kardashian.

>> HARDWICK: All right.

Points.

Kate.

>> I have a gift card to Play ItAgain Sports.

>> HARDWICK: Yes. Points.

Will.

>> I already have side chicks in27 of the 30 NBA cities.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

(whooping, applause)Uh, Will.

>> Uh, I love Utah and jazz.

(laughter)>> HARDWICK: Points.

Kate.

>> I'm good at handling balls.

>> HARDWICK: Points. Points.

(loud cheering)Kate Micucci!

This is a family program!

Dave Koechner.

>> Draft me because I alreadybought a lot of stuff.

>> HARDWICK: Okay, points.

Kate Micucci.

>> Um, draft me because in tenthgrade I won Around the World in

my town of Nazareth,Pennsylvania's basketball

competition at the birthday...

(buzzer sounds)It was the town's birthday

party, and not to be confusedwith the town's kazoo parade.

>> HARDWICK: Okay, good.

Okay, points.

(cheering)You're on the team.

It is time to play ElectronMicrodopes.

(cheering)Here's a fun fact: there are

thousands of tiny organisms allthe time living all over our

bodies, right now in fact, justchewing on things on your body

at all times.

Just sit with that for a minute,and welcome your hosts-- no,

you're the hosts-- and welcomethe parasites that feed off your

body.

Uh, I'm basically just a gianttalking formation of dust mites

right now. Um...

(laughter)And so are you guys, but it

turns out, when you look atthese little critters under a

microscope, they're not soscary.

In fact, a lot of these monsterslook like total dorks!

Get a load of this loser!

Hey, have you guys...

Duh, duh, duh.

Have you guys seen my rollingbackpack?

Come on.

Yeah.

These little bastards are sominiscule you can only see them

magnified times a million, whichmeans it's okay to make fun of

them, how dumb they look.

It's fine. Bullying is neverokay, but we can bully these

parasites, all right?

I mean, what are they gonna do,form an epidemic virus and end

mankind? Nice.

(laughter)Well, until that day comes,

comedians, for 250 points, Iwant you to bully these

dorky-ass microscopic organisms.

First one, this doofy flymaggot.

All right, Will.

>> Hey, hey, dorky microscopicparasite, this is you.

You got to get checked formicroscopic diabetes.

(laughter)Ha-ha-ha! Ha!

>> HARDWICK: Points.

>> It's the right thing to do.

Ha-ha-ha! WilfordBrimley-lookin' motherfuck!

>> Yeah!

>> HARDWICK: Screw that guy.

Dave Koechner.

>> Some people think foreskin ispretty.

(groans, laughter)>> HARDWICK: Points.

(applause)All right, next one.

Here we have this sad-sacksalamander larva.

Kate.

>> Nice mullet-- you look like arejected Pokemon.

>> HARDWICK: Yes. Points.

(whooping, applause)I choose you, Sala-derp!

(laughter)David.

>> When a female finally noticesmy cool flagella, I'll lose my

microscopic virginity.

(laughter)>> HARDWICK: Points.

Mi... Microscopic pussy isso tight.

(laughter, applause)(whooping)

It's literally really tight.

I'm glad the females in thefront row laughed at that.

I was gonna be really... I wasgonna feel bad, I was gonna

feel bad.

All right, Will.

>> You couldn't eat theMillennium Falcon if it was

already in your fuckin' mouth.

>> HARDWICK: Yes! Points! Oh!

Such a good reference.

>> There you go.

>> Aar...!

(imitates Chewbacca)Hold on, Chewie!

(laughter)>> Aar...!

>> HARDWICK: Next one-- thisdweeby fungal thunder bug.

(audience groans)It's probably on you right now,

and you don't even realize it.

Kate.

>> Put 'em up! Put 'em up!

(laughter, applause)(whooping)

>> HARDWICK: All right, nextone.

This meathead mite.

>> Oh, God!

>> HARDWICK: Kate.

>> You're so cute, I wonder ifyou "mite" want to eat my ass.

(laughter)(applause, whooping)

>> I want to be cast in theDisney movie you just inspired.

(laughter)>> HARDWICK: Next one.

This geek-of-the-week millipede.

Oh, yeah. Will.

>> Uh, my penis is only twoangstroms long.

That's a... it's a unit ofmeasure, a microscopic unit of

measure.

>> HARDWICK: Very small.

Koechner.

>> Uh, excuse me, I prefer aergonomic chair with the dynamic

lumbar support.

(laughter)>> HARDWICK: Points.

Kate.

>> You sucked in James and theGiant Peach.

>> HARDWICK: Yeah, okay, points.

Excellent.

All right, uh, last one.

Look at this down-in-the-dumpstardigrade.

(bell dings)Look at this...

Look at th... Look at this dopeylittle blimp.

Uh, Dave.

>> (wheezing): My podiatristsaid that insults would help my

plantar fasciitis.

(wheezes)Oh.

And...

someday we'll think foreskinlooks cute.

>> HARDWICK: That was, uh...

First of all...

First of all, I want tocompliment you on your excellent

Jeff Bridges impersonation.

Uh...

And, uh, points to you.

Kate Micucci.

>> Oh, he's so cute, I don'twant to say anything bad.

Uh, it-it'll get better, littleguy, yeah.

Just kidding!

>> HARDWICK: Points.

I like that you tried to bullyat the end.

Points.

>> Yeah, yeah, I tried to bullyhim at the end.

>> HARDWICK: What am I gonna do?

You're gonna... I'm gonna put myfinger in your hole...

Think about it.

Fucking...

>> Yeah, I-I'm with Kate on thisone, 'cause this actually looks

like me naked in the darklooking for my keys.

(grunting)

Before the break, I showed youthis video of a fedora'ed

drunkard politely collapsinginto a rack of sunscreen and I

asked you to give me the PAannouncement from the store

manager who had to deal withthis Muppet.

Uh, let's see what you guys cameup with.

Uh, Manager Koechner, let'sstart with you.

>> Attention, zombies: freehuman flesh in the candy aisle!

>> HARDWICK: Points, all right.

Will Sasso.

>> Attention, shoppers...

there's a man in aisle fivehitting rock bottom for the last

time before meeting a nicesingle mom and making lots of

royalty checks off theirChristian Mingle commercials.

>> HARDWICK: All right.

Kate Micucci.

>> Uh, Code Red.

Cleanup in aisle two.

Uh, no, three.

Uh, no, hang on, no, it's twoagain.

>> HARDWICK: All right.

All right.

As we go to ournext game, Flappers Comedy Club.

Comedy has come a long way fromShakespeare's Taming of the

Shrew to Viner Cameron Dallas'How Thugs Make Breakfast.

Well, this 1923 video ofcomedian Eddie Kantor that

surfaced on Reddit really putsthings in perspective.

It is believed, by the way, thisis the earliest known video of a

stand-up set.

Hold on to your sides, kids.

>> Our poor father.

Uh, he died of throat trouble.

They hung him.

>> HARDWICK: It's timeless.

Now, uh, Eddie Kantor no doubtfaced his share of hecklers on

the vaudeville circuit.

So comedians, I would like youto roast this proto-Seinfeld

with as many old-timey hecklesas you can possibly come up

with.

I'm gonna put 60 seconds on theold timepiece, and let's begin

now.

Will Sasso.

>> Hey, everyone, it's the GreatHacksby.

>> HARDWICK: Yes, points.

Dave.

>> Hey, Cantor, get rickets anddie!

>> HARDWICK: Points.

(bell dings)Kate.

>> You're no Chaplin-- more likeCraplin.

>> HARDWICK: Yes, points.

Will.

>> Bring Lewis Black back out!

'Cause it was a long time ago.

He's... I love Lewis Black.

>> HARDWICK: He's a lot older.

Yeah, he's a lot older, points.

Points.

Kate.

>> More like the SnoringTwenties.

>> HARDWICK: Yes, points.

Dave.

>> I support prohibition...

on you performing!

>> HARDWICK: Yeah, points.