House on the Lake

  • Season 1, Ep 9
  • 07/27/2011

The van gets towed, Dave funds a musical, and Jon fights stereotypes with a friend.

- IN 1973,46-YEAR-OLD LARRY HEARST,

A CITY ENGINEER LIVING INCRANSTON, RHODE ISLAND

HAD A DREAMOF BECOMING FAMOUS.

AT A COOKOUT,

HE TURNED TO HIS NEIGHBORGERALD DEGRAS,

AND PURPORTEDLY SAID,

- HEY...

WHEN'S THE LAST TIMEYOU GAVE YOUR WIFE

THE OLD HOT DOGIN THE [bleep].

- LARRY DIDN'TKNOW IT THEN,

BUT HE HAD BEGUNHIS JOURNEY TOWARDS COINING

ONE OF THE MOSTPOPULAR PHRASES EVER

IN AMERICA'S HISTORY.

BUT LARRY HEARSTKNEW HE WAS ON TO SOMETHING

AND TRIED AGAINJUST ONE WEEK LATER.

HE HAD HEARD A FRIEND OF HISWAS DATING A WOMAN

WHO WORKED WITH THEMAND SAID,

- I HEARD YOU'RESLIPPIN' SALLY ANDREWS

THE OL' HOT DOG INJECTION.

- HIS FRIEND WAS CONFUSEDAND VAGUELY OFFENDED,

AND LARRYWAS DISHEARTENED.

TWO NIGHTS LATERON THE VERGE OF GIVING UP,

LARRY DECIDEDTO MAKE ONE FINAL ATTEMPT

AT HIS PHRASE.

WHILE BOWLING, LARRY TURNEDTO HIS FRIEND FRANK WILLIAMS,

GESTURING TOWARDTHE WOMAN WHO WORKED

AT THE COUNTER AND SAID,

- HOW ABOUT HER?

I BET YOU WOULDN'T MINDGIVING HER A HOT BEEF INJECTION.

[dramatic music]

- [laughs]

[laughter]

[triumphant music]

- [slowed laughter]

- [slowed]HOT BEEF INJECTION.

- I REMEMBER HIMCOMING HOME THAT NIGHT

AND BEING REALLY HAPPY,

LIKE SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENED.

DAD SAID IT FORTHE FIRST TIME TO SOMEONE,

AND MADE THEM LAUGH.

- MM.

- FROM THERE,THINGS GOT PRETTY CRAZY.

[upbeat music]

- THINGS DIDGET PRETTY CRAZY

AS THE PHRASE"HOT BEEF INJECTION"

SPREAD LIKE A FIRESTORM.

BECOMING MUCH BIGGER THANIN LARRY'S WILDEST FANTASIES.

- IT DIDN'TCHANGE OUR LIVES MUCH,

BUT IT DEFINITELYAFFECTED MY DAD.

HE WAS SAYING IT A LOTAND AT THAT TIME

HE WAS DRINKINGA LOT AS WELL.

SO WHEN HE DRANKHE SAID IT EVEN MORE.

- DID HE EVERSAY IT TO YOU?

- OH, GOD, NO.

HE NEVER SAID IT TO ME,I WAS TOO YOUNG.

- WHAT WAS ITTHAT HE SAID?

- "HOT BEEF INJECTION."

IT'S NOTSOME OLD WOMAN

IN AN APARTMENT FULL OF CATSWAITING TO DIE, IT IS--

IT'S A LIVING, BREATHING,ORGANISM THAT HAS TO EVOLVE.

AND WE NEED ITTO PUT UP A SHOW,

THAT BETTER REFLECTSPEOPLE'S LIVES,

AND NOW WE'RE FILLING SEATSAND IT'S WONDERFUL.

- "THE HOUSE ON THE LAKE"IS BROADWAY'S

MOST INNOVATIVE NEW SHOW.

"THE HOUSE ON THE LAKE"WILL SURPRISE YOU.

[singing opera]

IT WILL TOUCH YOU.

IT IS THE ONLYSHOW ON BROADWAY

WHERE YOU'RE ALLOWEDTO USE YOUR CELL PHONES

DURING THE PERFORMANCE.

[cell phones ringing, beeping]

- I ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT.

I COULD REALLY RELAXAND ENJOY THE PLAY

KNOWING I WASN'TGONNA MISS A CALL.

- I'M IN SALES,AND I WAS ABLE TO TAKE

A COUPLE OF WORK CALLS.

THAT WAS GREAT.

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

"HOUSE ON THE LAKE"IS ABOUT TO BEGIN.

PLEASE TURNYOUR CELL PHONES ON.

[cell phones ringing, beeping]

- ISN'T ITDISTRACTING TO THE ACTORS?

- THE ACTORSBRING THEIR CELL PHONES ONSTAGE.

I THINK IT'S REFRESHINGTO SEE AN ACTOR TAKE A CALL

DURING A PERFORMANCE.

PRETTY SOON...[cell phone rings]

EVERY SHOW ON BROADWAYIS GOING TO ALLOW CELL PHONES.

I MEAN, THEATER NEEDS TO BEA PLACE WHERE PEOPLE...

[cell phone rings]- OH, SORRY, ONE SECOND.

- CAN LIVE THEIR LIVESAND NOT BE RESTRICTED...

- HELLO?- HEY.

I CAME OUT OF THE TINKLEBERRYAND THE VAN'S GONE.

- WELL, WHAT HAPPENED?- I DON'T KNOW.

WE PARKED AROUND FRONT.I GUESS IT GOT TOWED.

- YOU'RE KIDDING ME,WHY'D YOU GO TO TINKLEBERRY?

- BECAUSE I READ AN ARTICLEABOUT IT IN MEN'S HEALTH.

- OBVIOUSLY WE NEED THE VAN,WHERE'S DAVE?

- I DON'T KNOW,I'LL CALL HIM.

- ALL RIGHT, I'M COMING DOWN.JESUS CHRIST. I GOTTA--

- ...SURFING ON THE MUSETHAT IS THEATER.

I THINK IF--IF SHAKESPEAREHAD HAD CELL PHONES IN HIS TIME,

HE WOULD HAVENOT ONLY HAD THEM ON,

HE WOULD HAVE REQUIRED EVERYSINGLE PERSON IN THE AUDIENCE

TO TAKE A CALLDURING THE SHOW!

I MEAN, IMAGINE--

[dramatic newscast music]

- HELLO?

- LOOK AT THIS.- HELLO.

- OH.- THIS IS QUITE NICE.

- THIS IS NICE.

- EXCUSE ME.

- CAN WE HAVE, UH--- GREAT.

- IT HAS PIQUED OUR CURIOSITY.- YES!

- GREAT.

UM, THIS IS THE,UH, 77-INCH, UH, ISTANBUL.

IT'S, UH, BLACK LEATHER.

IT'S A GIO CLASS LEATHER,

WHICH IS OUR BEST,AND UH--

- OKAY.

WELL, LET'S GETTO THE NITTY, UH, GRITTY

AS THEY SAY.- YES.

- AND, UH, WHAT IS THE PRICE?- WHAT IS THE COST OF THIS?

- SO, UM, ACTUALLY THIS IS OURLAST ONE OF THESE, SO IT'S--

- THE FLOOR MODEL?- YEAH.

AND IT'S NORMALLY 3,885,BUT IT'S, UH, 30% OFF.

SO THAT BRINGS US DOWNTO ABOUT 3,150 OR SO.

- 3,150 FOR THIS COUCH.- YEP.

- DOES THIS INCLUDE SHIPPING,DELIVERY, SET UP, ALL THAT?

- UH, YEAH, YES.- IT DOES.

- YES.- INCLUDING.

ONE SECOND.- ONE SECOND.

- WE'LL NEED TO DISCUSS THIS.

[conversing quietly]

- WE WILL OFFER YOU,

$4,150 FOR THE COUCH.

- INCLUDING THE PILLOWS.

- I DON'T--UM, I DON'T KNOW.

I MEAN, WE DON'T--

- THAT'S OKAY, 4,600.

- I JUST WANNA MAKE SUREYOU UNDERSTAND WHAT--

THAT THE COUCHIS ON SALE,

THAT IT'S NOT--

- I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND

THAT WE'LLPAY $5,000 FOR THE COUCH.

[cash register rings]

MANY PEOPLE FEELTHAT JEWS ARE CONSTANTLY

TRYING TO BARGAIN DOWNON PRICE--

- HENCE THE PHRASE,"JEW THEM DOWN."

- WE'RE GOING UP.- YEAH, BUT YOU'RE--YEAH.

- YES.- THAT'S WHY I WAS...

- YEAH, YOU'RESURPRISED BY THAT.

- UH, YEAH.

- YOU DIDN'T EXPECTTWO JEWS TO COME IN HERE

AND TRYTO JEW YOU UP!

- OUR ORGANIZATIONIS CALLED "JEW THEM UP."

AND WHAT WE DO IS GO AROUNDTO SHOPS, STORES, MALLS,

ALL OVER THE COUNTRY,

AND WEOFFER THEM MORE.

- I WOULD HAVE TO CHECK,'CAUSE I DON'T EVEN KNOW

IF I CANTAKE MORE FOR IT.

- 6,000.

- $6,000 ANDWE'LL CALL IT A DEAL.

FINAL OFFER, $6,000.

- I MEAN, ALL RIGHT,THAT SOUNDS GOOD, I--ALL RIGHT.

- ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL--both: JEW THEM UP!

- OH, GREAT,THERE'S DAVE.

HEY, WHERE'S THE VAN?

- UH, OKAY, LOOK,DON'T PANIC.

THE VAN'SBEEN REPOSSESSED.

- WHAT?- I KNOW.

I'M REALLYUPSET ABOUT IT.

- WELL, HOW'D THAT HAPPEN?- UH, I DON'T KNOW.

- ALL RIGHT, FINE,IT'S REPOSSESSED.

YOU KNOW WHERE TO GO,WE'LL GO GET IT.

- WE CAN'T.

- WHY?

- OKAY...

THE REASON THE VAN WASREPOSSESSED IS BECAUSE THE SHOW

IS OUT OF MONEY.

- WHAT ARE YOUTALKING ABOUT, DAVE?

[musical cell phone ringtone]

- ALL RIGHT,HOLD ON, HOLD ON A SECOND.

[musical cell phone ringtone]

UM, YEAH--HOLD ON.

HELLO?

OH, YEAH, OKAY.

ALL RIGHT,I'M ON MY WAY.

- HOW IS THE SHOWOUT OF MONEY, DAVE?

- OKAY, LOOK,THAT WAS THE REPO CENTER,

I'M GONNA GOTAKE CARE OF THIS.

- NO [bleep]YOU'RE GONNA TAKE CARE OF IT.

- YES.- YOU'RE THE PRODUCER!

- I'VE GOT IT,IT'S UNDER CONTROL.

- 'CAUSE THE SHOW'S NOT CALLED"JON BENJAMIN HAD A VAN," DAVE!

- I KNOW, JON,I'M GONNA TAKE CARE OF IT!

- GO DO IT!

[cars honking]

[dramatic music]

- MAN, WHATAM I GOING TO DO?

[car honks]

- HEY! GET OUTOF THE ROAD!

THE VAN'S BEEN REPOSSESSED.

- HEY, BUDDY,WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!

- 'CAUSE THE SHOWIS OUT OF MONEY.

- SPARE SOME CHANGE, PAL?

- I'M REALLYUPSET ABOUT IT!

- ♪ WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

♪ WHAT AM IGOING TO DO? ♪

♪ EVERYTHING THATRINGS TRUE ♪

♪ IS GONE

♪ NOW WHERE AM IGOING TO GO? ♪

♪ WHEN ALLI WANT TO DO ♪

♪ IS SHOW

♪ THAT YOU ARETHE ONLY THING ♪

♪ I NEED TO KNOW

[dramatic piano music]

all: ♪ WHAT AM IGOING TO DO? ♪

♪ WHAT AM IGOING TO DO? ♪

♪ EVERYTHING THAT RINGS TRUE

♪ IS GONE

- ♪ I CAN TELL YOUWHAT TO DO ♪

- ♪ NO, I CANTELL YOU WHAT TO DO ♪

all: ♪ NO, WE CANTELL YOU WHAT TO DO ♪

- ♪ I CAN TELL YOU--I CAN TELL YA, DAVE ♪

- DAVE!- HEY!

[all speaking at once]

- WHAT ARE YOUDOING HERE, DAVE?

- WELL, I CAME BYTO CHECK OUT REHEARSAL.

HOW'S IT GOING?

- OH, GREAT!- IT'S GREAT, AWESOME.

- WE WERE JUST GOING THROUGH,"WHAT AM I GOING TO DO."

- YEAH, I KNOW,I HEARD A LITTLE OF IT.

UH, IT SOUNDED GREAT.

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